Episode Transcript: Walking Small

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Texas Fools in April

Episode Article: Walking Small



(At Goo Lagoon where a toy bulldozer is taking down the "Welcome to Goo Lagoon" sign. Plankton jumps out of the bulldozer and laughs evilly. Then he puts two black & white road blocks in front of him and takes out a megaphone)

Plankton: Attention, beach-goers! You are trespassing! You have exactly seventeen minutes to haul your carcasses off the future site of the 'Chum Bucket Mega Bucket'. (takes out a sign that says 'future site of the mega bucket and plants it into the ground. The beach-goers can't hear anything but squeaking)

Woman: Do you hear something? (man sitting beside her shakes his head while the lifeguard tries to listen through his bullhorn)

Plankton: (takes out megaphone) Ok, have it your way. I don’t mind bulldozing over each and every one... (a kid comes over and picks up the bulldozer)

Kid: Mommy, look! Somebody left this toy tractor here.

Kid's Mom: Put that thing down, Billy, it has germs on it. (kid drops it and it lands beside Plankton)

Billy: Ohh, mom.

Plankton: (talks through megaphone) You’ll see. (throws away the megaphone) You’ll all see! The future site of the Chum Bucket Mega Bucket must be clear to these cretins beachgoers. But it’s becoming increasingly obvious. I can deny it no longer! (zoom out) I am small. I need someone big to clear the beach for me. I need... (giant foot almost steps on Plankton but he dives out of the way)) SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Steppin’ on the beach! Doo-doo-doo-doo! Steppin’ on the beach! Doo-doo-doo-doo! Steppin’ on the beach! Doo-doo-doo-doo! Steppin’ on the beach! Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Plankton: Yes. He’s the one. (laughs evily. The sand on his head falls off)

SpongeBob: I’ll have one... (some kid cuts in front of him)

Kid #2: Two please. (ice cream man gives him two ice creams) Thanks. (walks off)

SpongeBob: One please. (a green eel slithers through SpongeBob and grabs the ice cream)

Eel:' Excuse me. (walks off licking the ice cream)

SpongeBob: One please.

Ice Cream Man: Sorry, kid. We’re all out.

SpongeBob: Aww, barnacles. (he hears crying coming from Plankton, who's sitting on a bench with two ice creams) Plankton, what are you doing here? And why are you crying?

Plankton: Oh, hi, SpongeBob. (blows his nose) I’m cryin’ because I’ve got these two ice cream cones, but I only need one! (crys) I don’t know what to do with the other one! (cries then stops and looks at SpongeBob and cries again)

SpongeBob: I’ll eat one of those ice cream cones for ya.

Plankton: SpongeBob! Would you do that for me?

SpongeBob: Sure! (starts to lick the ice cream)

Plankton: SpongeBob? (SpongeBob is still licking the ice cream) SpongeBob? (SpongeBob eats the whole ice cream and is now licking what's left inside. Plankton uses his megaphone to get SpongeBob’s attention) SpongeBob!!

SpongeBob: (turns towards Plankton) Yeah? (spits out ice cream as he talks)

Plankton: Isn’t it great to get the things you desire? Like that ice cream cone, for instance. (SpongeBob licks his fingers) You can have anything you want with a little training. (SpongeBob licks his fingers again)

SpongeBob: Training?

Plankton: Yes. You just have to learn to be more assertive. And I can show you how.

SpongeBob: Assertive, huh?

Plankton: That’s right.

SpongeBob: Anything I want. (licks his lips) Sounds great! (spits more ice cream at Plankton when talking)

Plankton: Wonderful. (laughs evilly then SpongeBob joins in the laughing. Then an adult fish sits on SpongeBob) SpongeBob, don’t let that guy sit on you! Assertiveness lesson #1: tell him to get off!

SpongeBob: Umm, excuse me, sir, you’re sitting on my body, which is also my face.

Plankton: No, no, be assertive! (SpongeBob puts his fingers in the guys pockets)

SpongeBob: Beep beep! (Plankton smacks forehead)

Plankton: Not in-sertive! (adult fish checks his watch then walks away) SpongeBob, you missed your chance! You’ve got to be aggressive to get the things you want! You’re too soft!

SpongeBob: But I’m a spo...

Plankton: Don’t say it! (Plankton spots the eel that took SpongeBob’s ice cream) There’s the guy who took your ice cream. Don’t you want it back?

SpongeBob: Ice cream! (Plankton gets up and runs behind the eel)

Plankton: Listen, you! My friend’s got something to say! (the eel turns around)

Eel: What, who said that? Was it you? (talking to SpongeBob)

Plankton: Tell him off, SpongeBob. Assert yourself!

SpongeBob: That’s my ice cream cone!

Plankton: Great! Now let him have it!

SpongeBob: You can have it.

Eel: Say, thanks! (walks off)

Plankton: No! (jumps inside SpongeBob’s mouth) I’ll show ya how! Hey, pencil neck! (eel turns around) Yeah, you, slither over here! (eel walks over to SpongeBob) Surrender that ice cream cone or every waking moment for you will become a swarming torrent of pain and misery! (eel throws ice cream on SpongeBob’s face)

SpongeBob: Hey, that guy was crying!

Plankton: Those were tears of joy! He was happy that you were assertive!

SpongeBob: Yeah!

Plankton: You see how wonderful life can be, when you’re maniacal?

SpongeBob: Uhh, I thought it was called assertive.

Plankton: Whatever.

SpongeBob: Well, if it got me this ice cream, I like it! (throws the ice cream into his mouth, which lands on Plankton. later, SpongeBob is using a metal detector. It starts beeping really fast) I found something!

Fish: Uhh, excuse me, my metal detector broke. Can I use yours? (SpongeBob hands the equipment to him)

SpongeBob: Sure!

Plankton: SpongeBob, this is your next lesson. Be aggressive! Tell that guy to take a hike!

SpongeBob: Do you want to take a hike with me?

Fish: Yeah.

Plankton: (angry) Now look what you’ve done! Tell that guy to go fall in a ditch!

SpongeBob: Hey, go check in that ditch! (points to the ditch beside them. The fish jumps down in the ditch and finds a treasure chest)

Fish: Wow, buried treasure! Thanks!

SpongeBob: Did you see that, Plankton? That guy found some buried treasure!

Plankton: SpongeBob, you’ll never get it right! Tell that guy you know karate and you’ll tie him in a knot if you don’t get your metal detector back!

SpongeBob: Hey! I’m gonna tie your shoe if you don’t give that back!

Fish: But I’m wearing sandals!

SpongeBob: Ok, never mind! (Plankton jumps off of SpongeBob) It’s alright, Plankton, he’s wearing sandals. What’s the matter?

Plankton: (putting things into a suitcase) Oh, nothing, SpongeBob. (puts on a black hat) I was just beginning to think that this was a waste of time.

SpongeBob: No it’s not!

Plankton: Forget it! I guess you don’t have what it takes to be a stand-up guy.

SpongeBob: But what about airline food?

Plankton: What?

SpongeBob: Airline food. My gosh, what is up with that stuff? Thank you, good night! (rimshot) See, I can be a standup guy. See? (Plankton throws his hat down)

Plankton: SpongeBob, you’ll never get what you want! You’ll always let people step all over you! You’re just like stairs!

SpongeBob: Wait, Plankton, give me another chance!

Plankton: Ok, but this is your last chance! (points to people trying to get a tan) Look at all those beach hogs soaking up your sunrays. Do you have what it takes to get a tan?

SpongeBob: Just watch me! (runs over and waves a blanket up and down and builds up sand to make the beach-goers run away) Man, this thing is sandy!

Fred: My leg! (after everyone runs off, SpongeBob is laying on his back with a funnel acting as a sunlamp)

Plankton: Yes, my plan is beginning to work! They’re leaving the beach! (SpongeBob now has a tan and looks brown) SpongeBob, that was wonderful! Is that an all-over tan?

SpongeBob: Well, not all of me.

Hot Dog Man: Hot dogs! (the two look over to see the octopus vendor given six customers hot dogs with six of his tentacles) Hot dogs!

Plankton: Look at that huge line at the hot dog stand. Assert yourself to the front!

SpongeBob: I’ll do better than that! (sticks his tongue out so far he grabs the hotdogs and eats them all. The hotdog stand closes down)

Plankton: SpongeBob that was genius! Look at all those kite flyers blocking your view!

SpongeBob: What?

Plankton: Breaking your wind! (SpongeBob uses one of his teeth to boomerang it into cutting the strings off the kites)

Larry: Hey SpongeBob, throw us the ball. (Larry and others are playing volleyball but SpongeBob pops the ball and screams like an elephant. Everyone walks off)

SpongeBob: Plankton, did you see that? I was a regular alpha-male! Plankton? (Plankton is driving a crane) Plankton, all my asserting is driving everybody away!

Plankton: Exactly.

SpongeBob: You didn’t tell me everyone would leave.

Plankton: Oops. (pushes a button. A sign emerges from under the sand. The sign says "Mega Bucket")

SpongeBob: (gasps) Mega Bucket?! You used me...for land development! That wasn’t nice!

Plankton: Haven’t you figured it out, SpongeBob? Nice guys finish last. Only aggressive people conquer the world! (laughs evilly)

SpongeBob: Well, what about aggressively nice people?

Plankton: Huh? What are you doing? (SpongeBob brings out the hot dogs he ate earlier and puts them back where they belong. Then he puts the kites back where they were) Wait, SpongeBob! Stop! (a girl is crying because she has sand on her ice cream. SpongeBob takes it and wipes the sand off with his eyebrows) Butterfly kisses. Can’t take it. It’s too cute! It’s...it’s disgusted! (Scooter is crying at his broken surfboard)

SpongeBob: What happened? (points to surfboard)

Scooter: I hit a reef with my new board, dude!

SpongeBob: No problem! (makes himself a surfboard)

Scooter: Whoa! (grabs the surfboard) Killer!

Plankton: SpongeBob, stop! Before it’s too late! Your kindness is bringing everybody back! Get back! (everyone comes back) Wait! (everyone runs over Plankton. Scooter is surfing)

Scooter: Cowabunga! (Scooter comes back on land and everyone cheers for him. SpongeBob goes back to his normal shape) Thanks, dude! That was awesome!

SpongeBob: Gee, Plankton, I’m sorry about the Chum Bucket.

Plankton: Forget about that. I just can’t take so much kindness in one sitting! (bunches up into a ball) Need hatred. (crawls away)

SpongeBob: Volleyball, anyone? (everyone uses SpongeBob as the ball) Service! (every time he is hit he says "ouch")

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