Episode Transcript: The Camping Episode

Latest revision as of 18:46, 17 October 2024

Episode Article: The Camping Episode

[edit] Characters

• SpongeBob
• Patrick
• Squidward
• Sea Bear
• Sea Rhinoceros

[edit] Dialogue

(episode begins at Squidward's house)

Squidward: Ah, finally, the weekend is here. And this isn't just any old weekend. This is the weekend that SpongeBob and Patrick go camping. (gestures at "Dance Quarterly" calendar at a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick on the calendar) Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the woods and never came back? (thought bubble appears with SpongeBob and Patrick in a forest)

SpongeBob: (in Squidward's thought bubble) Patrick, I'm scared!

Squidward: Ho-ho, that would be great! (gets in bed) You've waited a long time for this. A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no… (imitates SpongeBob's laugh. When he stops, he can hear SpongeBob's laughter) What the…?! (goes outside and sees SpongeBob and Patrick in a tent in his backyard) SpongeBob, aren't you two supposed to be camping?

SpongeBob: We are camping.

Squidward: SpongeBob, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house.

SpongeBob: Aww, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city folk are safe in their beds reading books, we're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature. You wanna join us?

Squidward: No.

SpongeBob: Okay. Have fun inside. (Squidward leaves then comes back)

Squidward: What do you mean, "have fun inside"?

SpongeBob: Just...have fun inside. See you tomorrow.

Squidward: Oh. Bye. (leaves then comes back again) You little sneak! I see what you're doing!

SpongeBob: What?

Squidward: Don't think I can't see what you're doing!

SpongeBob: What?

Squidward: You're saying I can't take it!

SpongeBob: But all I...

Squidward: AH! You're saying I'm soft! You think your little "have fun inside" challenge is gonna make me come camping with you, but that is NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! There's no way I'm gonna sit out here all night with you two losers! So, get used to it! (leaves)

SpongeBob: Okay. Have fun inside. (Squidward comes back and yells at them)

Squidward: That's it! I'm in! I'll show you camping! (runs inside his house)

SpongeBob: (to Patrick) Squidward's gonna come camping with us! (both giggle while Squidward comes back with a big backpack on)

Squidward: Now you'll see how a real... (falls forward into the sand from the heavy backpack) ...outdoorsman does it! (crawls out from under the backpack and gets out a cylinder looking bag) Here we are-- my remote-controlled, self-assembling tent. Watch and learn. (SpongeBob takes out binoculars while Patrick gets out a notepad and a pair glasses. Squidward throws the bag in the air then gets out a remote and pushes the button. The bag explodes and the tent, sticks, and rope fall on the ground)

SpongeBob: That was great, Squidward! But how do you get inside?

Patrick: Yeah, it's all crushy-looking.

Squidward: It isn't put up yet, you idiots. (starts to mess with his tent but tears it) Huh?

SpongeBob: Customization.

Patrick: Genius!

Squidward: (beating the tent with a wooden stake) Bah! bah! bah!

SpongeBob: He's tenderizing the ground!

Patrick: Of course! (Squidward gets tangled in the rope)

SpongeBob: Write that down! Write that down! (Patrick is playing Tic-Tac-Toe instead of writing notes. Squidward kicks the pile of things and it magically becomes a tent)

Squidward: Huh? Voila. (the tent collapses so Squidward rolls it up out of the way and brings back a sleeping bag) But what could compare to just lying out under the stars? (SpongeBob and Patrick applaud) Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are gonna stew up some twigs and rocks, right?

SpongeBob: Nope, we've got something even better--Marshmallows. (takes out a bag of Marsh King marshmallows and eats one) Mmm-mm. Just like the astronauts eat. (Patrick has a fishbowl over his head and he imitates static, like an astronaut)

Patrick: Patrick to SpongeBob. Patrick to SpongeBob. Do you read me? Over. (SpongeBob has a fishbowl over his head and imitates static as well)

SpongeBob: SpongeBob to Patrick. I read you. Over.

Patrick: (imitates static) Patrick to SpongeBob. I like going... (imitates static) Over.

SpongeBob: (imitates static) SpongeBob to Patrick. (imitates static) Me too. (both imitate static back and forth for a bit while Squidward stares vacantly at them. Imitates static) SpongeBob to Patrick, help yourself. Over.

Patrick: (grabs a marshmallow) Yummy! (takes the marshmallow and jams it in his mouth, through the fishbowl, breaking it) Patrick to SpongeBob! The deliciousness has landed!

Squidward: Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows. I'm gonna have a can of Swedish Barnacle Balls... (holds up the can in his hand) ...just as soon as I can get my can opener.

SpongeBob: But Squidward, didn't you take a can opener when you hiked out here?

Squidward: Why would I bother? We're ten feet from my house.

SpongeBob: But this is the wilderness. It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit.

Patrick: Pretty weenie.

Squidward: All right. All right. Gimme a marshmallow. (takes a Marsh King marshmallow. Begins roasting his marshmallow until Patrick's marshmallow catches on fire and he blows it on Squidward's face. Begins roasting his marshmallow again until Patrick's marshmallow once again catches on fire and he blows it on Squidward's face. Begins roasting a marshmallow a third time when the process repeats. The third shot is avoided by Squidward and he laughs. The marshmallow flies back into Squidward's head) OK. Besides spitting molten food stuffs at me, what else do you do for fun?

SpongeBob: Well, after a long day of camping, it's nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing campfire song.

Music: "The Campfire Song Song"

I call this one "The Campfire Song Song".

Let's gather 'round the campfire
And sing our campfire song
Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong
But it'll help if you just sing along.....
Patrick: Bum! bum! bum!

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!
C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!
And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong
But it'll help if you just sing along.... Sing another song....

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
Patrick!
Patrick: SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-
Squidward! (silence) Good!

It'll help…it'll help…
If you just sing along!
OH YEAH!!!

SpongeBob: Ahh, now, wasn't that relaxing?

Squidward: No! This is relaxing. (holds up his clarinet and plays "Kumbaya")

SpongeBob: Oh no! I'll save you, Squidward! (picks up a marshmallow and uses a slingshot to shoot in the clarinet and into Squidward's throat) Squidward, are you all right? That's it, chew, chew, and swallow. There, better?

Squidward: Better?! I was fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!

SpongeBob: But I had to! It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness! It might attract... (whispers) ...a sea bear.

Squidward: A sea bear? You mean like the ones that DON'T EXIST?!

SpongeBob: What are you saying?

Squidward: There's no such thing! They're just a myth!

SpongeBob: Oh no, Squidward, sea bears are all too real! It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer! (holds up the magazine)

Squidward: (reads cover) "I Married a Sea Bear?"

Patrick: Yeah, and Fake Science Monthly! (holds up the magazine)

Squidward: (reads cover) "Sea Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real?" That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Patrick: Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!

SpongeBob: Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin...

Squidward: You're right! I should be more careful. In fact, why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the sea bears away?

SpongeBob: Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.

Squidward: Okay. Then what?

SpongeBob: Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast.

Patrick: Flashlights are their natural prey.

Squidward: You're kidding.

SpongeBob: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.

Patrick: Yeah.

Squidward: Go on.

SpongeBob: Don't ever eat cheese.

Squidward: Sliced or cubed? (SpongeBob and Patrick converse quietly to each other)

SpongeBob: Cubed; sliced is fine.

Squidward: Yeah, yeah, and?

SpongeBob: Never wear a sombrero-

Patrick: In a goofy fashion!

SpongeBob: Or clown shoes.

Patrick: Or a hoop skirt.

SpongeBob: And never...

Patrick: Ever...

SpongeBob: Ever...

Patrick: Duh!

SpongeBob and Patrick: SCREECH LIKE A CHIMPANZEE!!!

Squidward: Wow! That's amazing how many things can set a sea bear off. (SpongeBob and Patrick are holding each other in terror)

SpongeBob and Patrick: They're horrible!

Squidward: And... and suddenly I have the sense we're all in danger!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Why?

Squidward: I don't know... (runs off and comes back wearing all the items mentioned from before) Just a feeling!

SpongeBob: No.

Squidward: Yes.

SpongeBob: No!

Squidward: (begins making monkey & chimp noises) U! Uh! Uh! U!

SpongeBob and Patrick: SQUIDWARD, PLEASE DON'T!!!

Squidward: (continues to do whatever it takes to get a sea bear's attention) Uh! Uh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Patrick: SpongeBob, what are we gonna do? A sea bear is sure to come over and eat us! (cries)

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll draw us an anti-sea-bear circle in the dirt. (grabs a stick and draws a circle around both of them)

Squidward: (continues to do screeching like a chimpanzee) Uh! Uh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Uh!

Patrick: Good thinking! (holds up another issue of Fake Science Monthly) All the experts say it's the only defense against a sea bear attack.

Squidward: (ends the screeching) Uh! Uh! Uh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! (laughs) You guys are so gullible! See? I did everything that attracts a sea bear and nothing happened! If sea bears really exist, why didn't one show up?

SpongeBob: Maybe it's because you're not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion.

Squidward: Oh, pfft, sorry! How silly of me! You mean like this? (tilts his sombrero to the right then laughs. As he is laughing, a clawed fin turns the sombrero upside-down. Cut to reveal the fin was that of a sea bear's)

SpongeBob: No. Like that. (the sea bear growls. Squidward screams and runs off. The sea bear attacks Squidward) Squidward, are you okay?

Squidward: No.

SpongeBob: (bringing the anti-sea bear circle with him and Patrick) Quick! Jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back.

Patrick: Yeah. Sea bears often attack more than once.

Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster. I'm running for my life!

SpongeBob and Patrick: No...! (the sea bear comes back and attacks Squidward again)

SpongeBob: Don't run! Sea bears hate that!

Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.

SpongeBob and Patrick: NO...! (the sea bear comes back and attacks Squidward again)

SpongeBob: They hate limping more than running!

Squidward: Well, I guess I'll just have... (the sea bear comes back and attacks Squidward again)

SpongeBob: I should have warned you about crawling. (the sea bear comes back and attacks Squidward again)

Squidward: What'd I do that time?

SpongeBob: I don't know! I guess he just doesn't like you.

Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else!

SpongeBob: Here, draw a circle. (throws Squidward a stick)

Squidward: OK. (the sea bear comes back and attacks Squidward again)

SpongeBob: That was an oval! It has to be a circle!

Squidward: Move over! (runs and sits on top of SpongeBob, inside the circle. The seabear sees the circle, points menacingly at Squidward, then leaves) Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life.

All: Hooray, hooray, hooray!

SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros.

Squidward: What attracts them?

Patrick: The sound of a sea bear attack. (a large fish with a rhinoceros' head and armor is snorting beside them)

SpongeBob: Heh, good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea rhinoceros undergarments, right, Squidward?

Squidward: (in fear) Uh-huh.