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Episode Transcript: Just One Bite
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Episode Article: Just One Bite
Characters
- Squidward
- SpongeBob
- Krusty Krab Customers
- Dr. Gill Gilliam
- Patrick (Does not speak.)
Dialogue
Squidward: (hands a customer his tray of food) Here you go, sir. A King Size Ultra Krabby Supreme with the works, double batter fried on a stick. (puts a stick into the food)
Harold: Thanks! (walks off)
Squidward: Barnacle head. (Harold comes back)
Harold (captions on TV call him Man.): Pardon me?
Squidward: (holds up a mayonnaise bottle) You forgot your mayonnaise. (sets it on Harold's tray)
Harold: Thanks. (walks off and sits at his table)
Squidward: Look at them eating that garbage. (Harold bites into his food and squirts mayonnaise into his mouth) It's
disgusting. They're sickening. I hate Krabby Patties.
SpongeBob: (laughing from the kitchen window) Good one, Squidward.
Squidward: Good what?
SpongeBob: Like you don't know. (hits Squidward on the back of the head) Saying, (imitates Squidward)I hate Krabby
Patties. (normal voice) That's hilarious! Everyone loves Krabby Patties.
Squidward: Yeah, well, not me.
SpongeBob: (silence) You're good at that. (jumps on top of the window) Hey everyone! Squid says he doesn't like Krabby
Patties. Ha! (everyone laughs)
Squidward: Don't encourage them! They'll never leave.
SpongeBob: (starts to grill more patties) Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny. You know what we say: (all the customers
appear in the kitchen)
All: The only people who don't like a Krabby Patty have never tasted one! (they all disappear)
Squidward: That's me. Never had one, never will. (SpongeBob flips a Krabby Patty through the ceiling of the Krusty Krab
after hearing this)
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: What?
SpongeBob: (cleans out his ears) What? What did you say?
Squidward: I've never had a Krabby Patty and never will.
SpongeBob: I'm sorry... I don't...
Squidward: I've never had a Krabby Patty. (SpongeBob puts his glasses on and takes out a dictionary)
SpongeBob: Those words. Is it possible to use them in a sentence together like that?
Squidward: I've never had a Krabby Patty! I've never had a Krabby Patty! I've never had a Krabby Patty!
SpongeBob: (takes off his glasses and throws away the dictionary) Never had a Krabby Patty? Well, you’ve got to have one
right now! (runs out of the kitchen holding a Wormy) No wonder you're always so miserable! Here, try this.
Squidward: (slaps the wormy out of SpongeBob’s hand) Get that toy outta my face! (SpongeBob runs off and brings it back)
SpongeBob: If you try it, you'll love it!
Squidward: Try one of those radioactive sludge balls you call food? Next I suppose you'll want me to go square-dancing with
Patrick? (pan over to Patrick dressed as a cowboy, standing next to him)
SpongeBob: (to Patrick) Sorry, Patrick. (Patrick sighs and walks off. SpongeBob tries to give Squidward the patty again)
Come on, you're gonna--
Squidward: (pushes the patty away) No.
SpongeBob: Open up the tunnel, here comes the train. Choo-choo-- (Squidward slaps it away)
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: (reaches behind Squidward's ear) Whoop! What's that in your ear? (pulls out a patty)
Squidward: Quit it.
SpongeBob: Come on, open wide!
Squidward: SpongeBob, if I were trapped at the bottom of a well for three years with nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty,
I'd eat my own legs first! (walks out from behind the counter) And not just the extra ones. (walks off as SpongeBob follows)
SpongeBob: But it's good for you!
Squidward: (turns around) Good for me? That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
SpongeBob: No, Squidward, I meant… good for your soul. (background turns to heaven and flying doves and SpongeBob wearing wings and a halo)
Squidward: Oh, puh-leez! I have no soul. (background turns to fire and flying bats and hell laughter are heard. Squidward walks off)
SpongeBob: Okay, just half.
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: A quarter?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: One bite?
Squidward: No! (Squidward enters the bathroom. When he opens a stall door, SpongeBob shows him the patty)
SpongeBob: Just smell it.
Squidward: If I didn't want it out there, what makes you think I'd find it more appealing in here? (slams the door. Cut to
Squidward washing dishes. SpongeBob rises up, made with pink bubble in the sink, holding a Krabby Patty in his hand)
SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward.
Squidward: No! (all the bubbles pop, also the patty. Cut to Squidward putting money in the register. SpongeBob pops out of the register
with coins on his head and eyes)
SpongeBob: One bite.
Squidward: No! (cash drawer shuts. Cut to Squidward taking out the trash. SpongeBob pops up from inside the trashcan, made with fruit and trash)
SpongeBob: You won't be sorry.
Squidward: (throws the garbage bag in the trash can) No! (turns around and sees SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: It's delicious...
Squidward: Listen, SpongeBob, how long are you prepared to keep this up? (SpongeBob handcuffs himself to Squidward.
Squidward takes the patty) Give me that! When I die you stay away from my funeral. (looks at the patty) Ohh... do I
really...
SpongeBob: Ah… (Squidward stretches his mouth) Ooh... (Squidward takes a tiny bite of the Krabby Patty and smiles.
SpongeBob's eyes turn into hearts)
Squidward: Why... this Krabby Patty may be the most... (suddenly angry) Horrible! Putrid! Poorly prepared! Vile! SpongeBob's eyes turn into atomic explosions) Unappetizing! Disgusting excuse for a sandwich it has ever been my displeasure to have slither down my
throat!
SpongeBob: But--
Squidward: (throws the patty on the ground) And I curse this Krabby Patty and all who enjoy them to an early and well-
deserved grave! (puts a tombstone on top of the patty with 'R.I.P.' and a picture of a patty on it) Get it?
SpongeBob: But it doesn't make any sense. The Krabby Patty is an absolute good. Nobody is immune to its tasty charms.
Squidward: Nobody but me.
SpongeBob: Are you sure?
Squidward: Does this look unsure to you? (close-up of Squidward's wrinkly face)
SpongeBob: No.
Squidward: Good! Now go spread the word. (SpongeBob walks back into the Krusty Krab. When he shuts the door, Squidward
gasps and digs for the Krabby Patty) Come on! Come on! Come on! (holds up the Krabby Patty covered in sand) Ah... still
alive! (shoves the whole thing in his mouth) Oh, so delicious! (cries) Oh! All the wasted years...! (licks the ground) I
gotta have more. I gotta have more! (runs to the back of the Krusty Krab and is about to open the door but doesn't) But
wait! (stands by the window. His eyes float over to the side of his face looking at SpongeBob grilling) After that
performance, he'd never let me live it down! I gotta sneak one. Just one, then I'm off the stuff for good!
SpongeBob: I didn't think it was possible, but I guess some people just don't like Krabby Patties. (flips one in the air.
Squidward peeks through the window)
Squidward: Uhh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, Squidward?
Squidward: I need a Triple Krabby Supreme on a kelp bun, (gets more excited) with extra sea pickle and, and burn it to a crisp, okay?
SpongeBob: Coming right up! (flips the patties again) Listen, Squidward. I want to apologize for before. I was only trying
to make you happy. (Squidward moans and groans. His eyes turn into the patties and flip as they do) ...but not I've learned
there's room for all kinds of people... (Squidward licks his lips) ...and they all don't have to like the same things. (the
steam from the patties forms a figure and it kisses Squidward's nose then disappears)
Squidward: Don't go.
SpongeBob: While I strongly disagree with your decision, I accept it. (SpongeBob holds up the Krabby Patty. Squidward tries
to take a bite but SpongeBob takes it away and Squidward's face goes into the grill) You know, it's not often I get to make
one like this. I want to see the look on their face when they take that first bite. (walks off. Squidward looks up with a
burnt face. SpongeBob walks out of the kitchen) Triple Krabby Supreme! Triple Krabby Supreme! Did someone order a Triple
Krabby Supreme? Huh? They must have left.
Squidward: Well, uh, why don't you just, uh, leave it out here in case they come back.
SpongeBob: Nope, a patty this special should be eaten fresh, and... well... I haven't had one of these babies in over twenty minutes so... (eats the whole patty in one bite. Squidward gasps) Well, whoever they were, they had great taste! (Squid groans and chatters then starts to cry) Ah, they don't know what they're missing. Well, back to work. (walks back into the kitchen)
Squidward: What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage? (a fish with a big belly walks up to the trash can with a
partially eaten Krabby Patty)
Fish: I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well. (drops the patty in the garbage)
Squidward: I had to say garbage... but okay! (runs to the garbage can. Inhales deeply and eats everything in the garbage
can. When he lifts up his head, the Krabby Patty is the only thing left in the garbage. He spits out what's in his mouth
and grabs the Krabby Patty. SpongeBob runs over and grabs it out of his hand)
SpongeBob: Oh no, what's this doing here? This patty should be cremated! (runs to the furnace and throws it in and cries.
Squidward walks up) I know you didn't like him, but it means so much that you came. (runs off as Squidward starts crying. Cut to nighttime where Squidward is sitting in his chair, still crying, when there is a knock on the door. Squidward
answers it and it's a giant Krabby Patty. Squidward kisses it and sighs. Cut to Squidward having dinner with the patty,
marrying the patty, having a kid with the patty, and growing old with it. Dream sequence ends)
Squidward: Honey? (wakes up) What? Oh... I have got to get my hands on a Krabby Patty! And no one's gonna stop me. (runs
out of his house, panting, but tip-toes past SpongeBob's house, then pants some more to the Krusty Krab) There it is. (Squidward gasps, then sees the patty vault) Holy shrimp! (inside are piles of Krabby Patties are inside the vault) I don't know where to start. (picks up a patty) All that matters is
that it's just you... and me... and nobody--
SpongeBob: Squidward? (Squidward's face drops) Is that you?
Squidward: (turns around) SpongeBob? Uh, uh, uh... what are you doing here? (points at SpongeBob. While pointing at him, he
notices he's showing the patty in his hand and puts it behind his back again)
SpongeBob: I always come to work at 3 a.m. This is when I count the sesame seeds. (takes off his green hat, reveals his Krusty Krab hat) What are
you doing here?
Squidward: Uhh, I forgot my--
SpongeBob: And why is the patty vault open?
Squidward: Oh, I thought that--
SpongeBob: And why are you holding a patty behind your back?
Squidward: I... I... I... no, I didn’t do...
SpongeBob: And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And--
(SpongeBob grins)
Squidward: No, wait... it's not what you think. Th-this is a big misunderstanding. You've got to believe me, I... Listen, I
am telling you... (jumps up and down) You better listen to me, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: You like Krabby Patties, don't you, Squidward? (Squidward begins to sweat then slams the door on SpongeBob)
Squidward: Yes! Yes! I admit it, SpongeBob! I love Krabby Patties! (eats two patties)
SpongeBob: I knew it all along, Squidward. No one can resist a Krabby Patty. (Squidward eats a bunch of Krabby Patties in
all sorts of ways, even a dozen at a time) Squidward! How many are you eating? Squidward! (Squidward keeps eating all the
Krabby Patties in the vault, Pac Man style eating Krabby Patties) Squidward, you can't eat all those patties at one time! Squidward!
Squidward: What's gonna happen? Am I gonna blow up?
SpongeBob: No, worse, it'll go right to your thighs!
Squidward: My thighs? (pan down showing Squidward’s enlarged thighs)
SpongeBob: ...and then you'll blow up! (Krusty Krab explodes with a BOOM! Squidward’s head is sitting on the ambulance's bench while
his legs are in a bucket)
Joe: (laughs) Yeah, I remember my first Krabby Patty.
