Episode Transcript: I'm Your Biggest Fanatic

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Episode Article: I'm Your Biggest Fanatic

Characters

Dialogue

(SpongeBob and Patrick are at the Jellyfish Convention, where everything is about jellyfish. Sponge is wearing a jellyfish hat, Pat is wearing a net on his head)

SpongeBob: Wow! I can't believe it! We're actually here at the biannual Jellyfish Convention!

Patrick: Jellyfish are awesome!

SpongeBob: Cool! State-of-the-art jellyfish nets! (Pat touches one)

Patrick: Touch.

Guard: Don't touch. (they walk up to a giant harpoon with gobs of jelly on it)

SpongeBob: Wow! The harpoon from "Jellyfish: The Movie"! (Pat touches it)

Patrick: Touch.

Guard: Don't touch. (they walk up to a crowd, watching a fish with a giant sore on his cheek pointing to a board with a mean jellyfish picture on it)

SpongeBob: Look! Dr. Manowar! They guy who got stung by Big Lenny and lived!

Dr. Manowar: And now it only hurts when you touch it. (Pat goes up and touches it. Manowar screams in pain)

Patrick: Touch.

Guard: Do I have to follow you all day?

SpongeBob: (gasps) Patrick, look! Can it be?

Patrick: Ice cream?

SpongeBob: No, it's the Jellyspotters! (we see a crowd of people around a group of fish and a sea cucumber, obviously the leader. He has glasses and a crown thing coming from his head) Bikini Bottom's premier jellyfish enthusiast club! Aah! And their leader! The coolest jellyfish enthusiast ever? (close up on the cucumber) Kevin the Sea Cucumber!

Patrick: What's so great about a nerdy pickle?

SpongeBob: If I could just touch the hem of his pocket protector, then maybe some of his greatness would rub off on me.

Patrick: SpongeBob, as a friend, I must say that's really geeky. (a guy in a giant jellyfish costume walks by. Pat gasps) Oh my gosh! Jeffrey Jellyfish! Wait, Jeffrey! I have to touch you! (runs after him, followed by the guard yelling. Cut back to the Jellyspotters)

Kevin: Bamboo? I only use composite materials in my net handle. (the crowd furiously writes notes)

Crowd: (all muttering as they write) Composite materials?

Kevin: Next question. (the crowd furiously writes notes again)

Crowd: (all muttering again) Next question?

SpongeBob: (pops out in front of the crowd, his pupils are huge and he speaks as if in a trance) Hi Kevin.

Kevin: Hi. What is your question?

SpongeBob: Hi Kevin.

Kevin: Whatever. Next question, please. (he points to the other side of the crowd, Sponge pops up there too)

SpongeBob: Hi Kevin.

Kevin: Hello loser. All right, you, waaaay in the back.

SpongeBob: (pops up in the back) Hi Kevin.

Kevin: Does anyone here have an actual? (we hear Sponge heavily breathing from the left. Kevin and the rest turn to see him)

SpongeBob: Hi Kevin. I'm your biggest fan.

Kevin: You're too kind. (yells) Security!

SpongeBob: No, wait! I would do anything for you!

Kevin: Why don't you go jump off a building? (we hear Sponge's screams and see him fall from the view through the window. Then Sponge appears back in the building)

SpongeBob: Anything?

Kevin: Punch yourself in the face. (Sponge does so with a boxing glove. His face is pushed in a bit.) Doesn't that hurt you?

SpongeBob: (holds up a metal glove with spiked knuckles) Do you? want it to hurt me, Kevin? (the Jellyspotters all laugh)

Kevin: That was the best! This guy's great! We have got to bring this guy jellyfishing with us!

Fish: No, Kevin, no. He's a geek.

Kevin: (whispering) Look, I won't let the guy join the club. I just want to see how many times he can get stung before he goes running home like a baby.

Fish: Meep-meep, Kevin's a genius. (the other fish join in repeatedly saying so)

Kevin: Hey kid, how would you like to try out for the Jellyspotters?

SpongeBob: (on a hospital bed. The doctor fish zaps him with the defibrillator and Sponge jumps up) I'd love it! (cut to Kevin and the fish supposedly walking through Jellyfish Fields (we can't see their legs)

Kevin: Ah? nothing like driving through Jellyfish Fields with the top down, eh, Jellyspotters? (the fish meep in agreement. Pan down to see that Sponge is carrying them. He stops)

SpongeBob: Okay, here we are, Jellyfish Fields. (he collapses. The Jellyspotters get off)

Kevin: I hope you didn't forget our nets.

SpongeBob: I didn't forget them, Kevin. They're in the trunk. (Sponge turns around, and the back of his pants opens like a trunk. The group takes the nets and jars out, revealing Sponge's behind. Sponge now has all the nets and jars in his arms) I can't believe I'm actually out here with the Jellyspotters! I mean all my life I wanted to be a Jellyspotter? (Sponge starts to vibrate and jump around) and now I'm out here with you guys with the nets and the jars and the jellyfish and I'm with Kevin and Kevin's with me and we're all with each other and we're all jellyfishing and it's fun and?

Kevin: Hold it! (Sponge freezes, literally) Before you become a Jellyspotter, you have to pass a rigorous test. (the fish repeat "meep, rigorous test") Shh, quiet! Your first test: catch a jellyfish. (a jellyfish flies into Sponge's net)

SpongeBob: Hey, I caught one! Am I a Jellyspotter now?

Fish: One jellyfish, meep, in the net, meep-meep?etc?

Kevin: Uh, that doesn't count. (he slaps the net and the jellyfish stings him, it flies away. Kevin grows a giant red sore where he got stung)

Fish: (off-screen in ominous voice) Wha-wha-wha!

Kevin: I meant two jellyfish! (two jellyfish fly in Sponge's net)

Fish: Two jellyfish, meep, in the net, meep?etc?

Kevin: That's not what I meant. I meant 20 jellyfish! (a whole load of jellyfish fly into Sponge's net)

SpongeBob: (counting) Let's see, one, two, three? (Kevin kicks the net, causing all the jellyfish to sting him. He now has a bunch of sores)

Fish: (off-screen in ominous voice) Wha-wha-wha! (cut to the fields, where Kevin has a jar of jelly)

Kevin: Jellyspotters allow jellyfish to eat jelly off their face. (Kevin smears some jelly on Sponge)

SpongeBob: Who wants to lick my cheeks? (some jellyfish swim by) I see I have some takers?

Kevin: How does it feel? (Sponge now has jellyfish on his face, put together in the form of a mustache and beard. He laughs)

SpongeBob: It tickles my nose!

Kevin: Not for long. (he and the Jellyspotters snicker. Sponge sneezes and all of the jellyfish fly onto Kevin's eyes. They sting them and now he has big red swollen eyes)

Fish: (off-screen in ominous voice) Wha-wha-wha!

Kevin: (turns to the fish making that taunting noise) Will you cut that out?

SpongeBob: Am I in the Jellyspotters now?

Kevin: No! I have many more tests for you to take! (cut to Sponge walking upside-down, with a net and a jellyfish)

SpongeBob: Am I in the Jellyspotters now? (the jellyfish stings Kevin's nose, making it big and swollen)

Kevin: No. (cut to Sponge having caught a jellyfish blindfolded)

SpongeBob: Am I in the Jellyspotters now? (the jellyfish stings Kevin's crown and it becomes swollen)

Kevin: No. (cut to just Sponge)

SpongeBob: Now? (we hear zapping sounds. Now Kevin's ears are big and swollen)

Kevin: No. (cut to just Sponge again)

SpongeBob: Now? (more zapping noises. Kevin's lips are now huge and swollen)

Kevin: No. (cut to Sponge once more)

SpongeBob: Now? (ZAP. Kevin's behind is now huge and swollen)

Kevin: (screaming) NO!

SpongeBob: Now? (ZAP) Now? (ZAP) Now? (now, Kevin is just a big swollen sea cucumber thing)

Kevin: All right, Squarepants, it is your turn to get zapped! I mean, are you ready for your final test?

SpongeBob: I'm ready!

Kevin: You'd better be, because we're going to catch a queen jellyfish.

SpongeBob: A queen? Ooh, can I help?

Kevin: Oh, don't worry. We can't do it without you! (cut to Sponge being tied by arms and legs, hanging from two sticks)

SpongeBob: This is fantastic! I've never been bait before! I don't think I've ever seen a queen jellyfish either.

Kevin: Well, then you've probably never used a queen jellyfish call. Why don't you try it out? (he hands him a blower thing. Sponge blows and it makes a weird groaning sound that sort of sounds like, "Loser.")

SpongeBob: Hey, I've heard this call before.

Kevin: I'll bet you have. (the Jellyspotters walk off)

SpongeBob: Hey, where are you going?

Kevin: Oh, don't worry, we'll be right behind this bush. (they kneel down behind it. Kevin gets zapped again. He stands up covered in sores, a jellyfish flies off) Who's got my sting ointment? (he kneels down again)

SpongeBob: This is great! When I pass this test, I'll be an official jellyfish spotter! (he continues to blow that horn thing, which keeps saying, "Loser." Soon, it becomes dark and he's tired of blowing) Hey Kevin, I don't think it's working. Nothing? (a giant shadow looms over Sponge. He looks up, to find a giant jellyfish with a tiara. It's The Mechanic Jellyfish Queen!) Hey, hey Kevin! She's here! Look, she's here! She's here, Kevin! She's here? (the bush blows away, revealing nothing? except Kevin's ointment. Sponge screams and the jellyfish zaps the poles off. Sponge runs up and down hills, dodging the jellyfish's stingers. He comes upon a cliff and can't go any further. He begs on his hands and knees) Please don't be angry, your highness! I would have let you go! (he cries. Just then, a screen on the jellyfish opens, revealing Kevin and the Jellyspotters. They laugh. Sponge gasps) Kevin!

Kevin: That's right! You should have seen the look on your face when we zapped you!

SpongeBob: But? what about my final test? (they all laugh)

Kevin: Did you think we'd actually let you into the Jellyspotters?

SpongeBob: But Kevin, I was your biggest fan!

Kevin: So were they. (he points to the bottom of the cliff, where a bunch of people are by a fire. One looks up)

Guy: Look everybody, Kevin's back! (they all yell up at him in praise)

Kevin: You looked so dumb with your dorky jellyfish call! (imitating) Loser, loser, loser loser loser!

SpongeBob: I am not a loser!

Kevin: Loooooser! (as Kevin continues, a giant, even bigger than the queen, jellyfish comes from the cliff. It is wearing a robe and a crown. The Jellyspotters finally notice) Nideria Rex!

SpongeBob: King Jellyfish! (the king sees the queen and is instantly smitten. It grows lips and puckers up)

Kevin: Kissyface! (the queen and Sponge run off. The king gives chase. The queen eventually crashes into a billboard for Kevin's Ointment and breaks apart. The king sees Kevin, the Jellyspotters, and Sponge)

Jellyfish King: (angrily) Keeeee-viiiiin! (it zaps the ground and they all run off. They find refuge in a cave. The king jellyfish comes back with a helmet and football uniform and attempts to bash in the cave. Inside, the Jellyspotters and Sponge are pretty scared. The bashing stops)

Kevin: I think he's gone. One of you go out and check. (the Jellyspotters push one fish out of the cave to see. The fish looks around and "meep-meep"s happily, giving the all-clear. But he's zapped and "meep-meep"s not to come out. All the fish go around Kevin asking what to do) Don't look at me! I was only in this for the fashion! (close up on Kevin's pants, with patches, stickers and a toy jellyfish coming out of his pocket) It's hopeless! We're trapped! We're trapped! (he sits down and curls to a ball) Help me mommy/daddy, help me! I want my blankie and pillow! I want my blankie and pillow!

SpongeBob: (to fishes) And what's your secret weakness?(the fish get down and imitate Kevin. Sponge decides enough is enough and goes out to face the king. The king growls and buzzes. Sponge takes out some bubbles and blows out one in the shape of a giant cherry pie. The king, satisfied, leaves to eat his snack. The fishes come out and gather around Sponge. Kevin follows)

Kevin: I can't believe it! How did you know?

SpongeBob: (laughs) Everybody loves pie!

Fish: (ominous voice) Wha-wha-wha!

Kevin: Well, SquarePants, that was impressive, but you're still not in the club because you didn't catch a queen jellyfish. (the other Jellyspotters narrow their eyes and run over to Kevin, off-screen) Wait, what are you doing? (rip) AAAH! (the fish run back with Kevin's crown and place it on SpongeBob. He laughed)

SpongeBob: Wow, I didn't know this was a hat! (Kevin stands in agony, both for emotional and physical reasons)

Kevin: (teary-eyed) It? wasn't? (cut to back at the convention. Sponge talks to Patrick)

SpongeBob: Hi, Patrick!

Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob! Did you get into that club?

SpongeBob: Yeah, but I turned them down. It's not about Kevin, it's about jellyfish!

Patrick: Well, SpongeBob, I'm glad you learned your lesson. (pan out to see that Pat has Jeffrey Jellyfish tied up in a wagon he's towing) Hero worship is unhealthy. (the two walk off) C'mon, Jeffrey.

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