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Episode Transcript: Wet Painters
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Episode Article: Wet Painters
Characters
Dialogue
French Narrator: A slow day at The Krusty Krab.
Spongebob: Hey, Squidward, check this out. (holds up a raw patty in each hand) Two ordinary Krabby Patties, but when expertly
tossed with the skill of a champ, they become... (throws them on the floor and SpongeBob slides the patties across the room, Patrick jumps out of nowhere with his feet landing on the patties)
Patrick: A one-way ticket to PAIN...! (slams into the wall)
(Cut to Mr. Krabs in his office. Window falls on ground from Patrick's crash and glass breaks)
Mr. Krabs: Huh?
(Cut back to outside the office. Spongebob is in Patrick's mouth with a mop in hand while Patrick slides offscreen to the left)
Spongebob: Heave-ho! (crashes)
(Office door slams open, Mr. Krabs storms out)
Mr. Krabs: What the devil fish is going on out here? Time is money! And if you boys is wasting time, then you're wasting money! And that's just sick.
Spongebob: But we were performing a ritual to attract customers. And the only way the ritual can work is for us to get hurt. Real bad.
Mr. Krabs: What stupid barnacle told you that?
(Cut to Squidward at the register with a magazine in his hands)
Squidward: (with a suspicious grin) Uhhhhh...
(Cut back to Spongbob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: Listen, instead of killing yourselves, I’ve got something real important for you to do for me.
(scene cuts to outside Mr. Krabs' home, Mr. Krabs talking to Spongebob and Patrick)
Mr. Krabs: Now, are you men ready for your super...
Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get wide) Super.
Mr. Krabs: Special?
Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get bigger and lips tremble) Special.
Mr. Krabs: (whispering) Secret?
Spongebob & Patrick: (faces are small as they whisper) Secret.
Mr. Krabs: Assignment?
Spongebob & Patrick: (eyes get crazy-like and sobbing while shouting incoherently)
Mr. Krabs: The two of you are to paint the inside of me house! (opens Mr. Krabs' front door, showing inside)
SpongeBob & Patrick: (Jumping into the air) Yay!
Mr. Krabs: (Charges them from the right, in a stern tone) But, let me give you two a warning. (Holds up two buckets of paint) This here paint is absolutely permanent. (shoves paint buckets into Spongebob and Patrick's hands) It will never come off. (Angrily) So if I see even ONE drop on ANYTHING but wall, (Screams) I'll have your rear ends cut off... (holds up two empty plaques, each with their names on it) ...and MOUNTED OVER ME FIREPLACE! (Spongebob and Patrick backstep behind the open door, Mr. Krabs' tone becomes casual) So, have fun with the job. (slams the door with the two inside the house)
(Cut to inside the house, Spongebob and Patrick turn around and look inside)
SpongeBob: Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob?
(Cut to a view of the inside of the room, with many objects clattered around the room)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. (Puts his paint bucket down) Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls?
Patrick: (Points at Spongebob) No way, SpongeBob, we’re not getting paid to move stuff.
SpongeBob: Patrick, we’re not getting paid at all.
Patrick: Well, that’s what I said! We’re not getting paid and that’s FINAL.
SpongeBob: Okay, we’ll just paint around all this stuff.
Patrick: (defiantly) Good, just don’t pay me.
SpongeBob: (Cheerfully) First we need to set out the tarp. (pulls out tarp)
Patrick: (does the same) (shouts) Tarp ahoy! (spreads the tarp on the floor. Camera zooms out, showing that it is a tiny piece)
SpongeBob: We’re gonna need more coverage, Patrick. (scene cuts to more tarp scattered randomly on the floor, but not the entire floor, with paint buckets where first piece of tarp was) Now that's what I’m talking about. (In a nervous tone) Well, I guess we should open these cans of...permanent paint now.
Patrick: That will never, ever come off.
SpongeBob: And if we get it on anything, Mr. Krabs will cut our butts off.
Patrick: (Scared) And mount them on the wall. (SpongeBob takes a screwdriver and tries prying open the lid by making the screwdriver shake up and down on the lid) Careful, SpongeBob. Careful, SpongeBob. (Spongebob sweats everywhere) SpongeBob, careful. Careful, SpongeBob. Careful, SpongeBob! Careful, SpongeBob! (Yelling with dramatic camera zoom and background on his face) CAREFUL, SPONGEBOB!!
SpongeBob: (Standing up, with lid and screwdriver in his hands) Patrick, the lid’s already off.
Patrick: Oh. (Happily) Now it’s my turn! (takes out a giant battleaxe and smashes the paint can with it, can is only slightly squished and wobbles for half a second, then goes back to normal. SpongeBob hurriedly grabs the can)
SpongeBob: (anxiously) I'm thinking I should do this one too, Patrick.
(carefully opens up the lid with same screwdriver as before. Lid opens, and a drop of paint jumps out. Spongebob and Patrick start screaming. Drop bounces off a piece of tarp. Spongebob and Patrick scream louder. Drop bounces off 7 scattered pieces of tarp, then an 8th, and finally falls back into open can in front of Spongebob and Patrick.)
Patrick: (Unimpressed) Well, that was a rip-off.
SpongeBob: Ok, Patrick. Let’s get our brushes ready. (holds up a wide brush. Looks at it and starts sweating) Uhh, maybe we should start with a smaller brush. (Throws brush to the left offscreen. Takes a thin paintbrush and gets a tiny hair out of his nose. Patrick does the same with a suddenly appearing slit under his eyes. Struggles one moment, and pulls it out with a cluster of nosehair as big as his head and left eye watery. Spongebob dips tip of his paintbrush into paint can and walks to a wall from the right) (Scared and nervous) All right, Patrick, gotta get started, (zooms out to a huge, clattered wall) painting this wall. (Zooms in to in front of the paintbrush with eyes filled with strained blood vessels) With the permanent paint that we aren't allowed to get on anything (Zooms back out to clattered wall) but the wall. (Sweat flies everywhere) Well, here we go.
(Cut to time card that says "One Hour Later")
French Narrator: One hour later.
SpongeBob: (doing exactly the same as he was from the previous scene) Just a few more seconds of mental preparation and I’ll be painting this wall.
(Cut to time card that says "Two Hours Later")
Narrator: Two hours later.
SpongeBob: (still standing in the same spot, but with puddle of sweat under his feet) I’m getting to the painting.
(Cut to time card that says "Three Hours Later")
Narrator: Three hours later.
Patrick: (Holding time card, also sweating) (To Spongebob) Can you move it along? I’m all out of time cards.
SpongeBob: (Still the same, puddle bigger) No problem. Here I go. (Zooms in to a space in the wall. Spongebob makes a vertical line of paint going down the wall. Spongebob takes brush back and smiles gleefully The paint then starts going down.) Huh? (blows it one direction then another then another until he gets a blow dryer and the paint glides off the wall in a bubble) Yeah. Huh? (notices the big paint bubble. Throws blow dryer off screen) Barnacles! What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?
Patrick: Oh, I know... (takes a bubble wand, dips it in the paint then blows a big bubble) TWO giant paint bubbles!
SpongeBob: No!! (the two giant paint bubbles merge into an even bigger bubble) (Scared) Patrick?
Patrick: (Nervous) Yeah, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (Nervous also) I don’t think this bubble can get much bigger!
Patrick: (with tire inflator into the bubble) (Yells stupidly) Nonsense! (blows up the bubble even bigger)
SpongeBob: (Screams) PAT, NO! (Humongous paint bubble explodes. The paint splatters all over the wall, covering up all the old brown spots. SpongeBob moves out of the way for the last bit of paint to splash on the wall in the form of how he was standing)
We did it! We painted the whole house and without getting a drop of paint on anything but the... (shrieks) FLAPPIN' FLOTSAM, WHAT'S THAT?!(dramatic zoom and music to a dollar on the wall which has a dot of paint on it. SpongeBob’s eyes shatter like eggs and insides drip on the floor. Spongebob then falls back on the floor) We’re DEAD, Patrick. Do you know what that is?
Patrick: Hmmm...it’s a dollar. I win!
SpongeBob: That’s not just a dollar. It’s Mr. Krabs' first dollar! His most prized possession! And we got paint on it!
Patrick: I think you are over-reacting SpongeBob, I don’t see any paint.
SpongeBob: Ok, this isn’t a problem. Maybe I can just wipe it off. (tries to wipe the paint off with his tie but makes the paint even more noticeable with a huge diagonal slash along it) There, I think I got it. (wipes it more but it gets worse, the paint covering just about the whole dollar. Spongebob shrieks)
Patrick: (Stupidly, pointing at dollar with both hands) Oh, now I see it.
SpongeBob: This is not good, Patrick! This is not good! Mr. Krabs is gonna be home soon, and when he sees what we did to his first dollar... (scene cuts to a vision of SpongeBob & Patrick's butt on the wall while Mr. Krabs is enjoying some tea by the fire)
SpongeBob & Patrick: (Grabbing their butts, screaming)
Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob, all we got to do is wash the paint off and Krabs will never know!
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said...
Patrick: (Interrupts Spongebob) Forget what Mr. Krabs said! Every paint comes off with something! (scene cuts to SpongeBob standing by a washing machine)
SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick comes out from the washing machine with the dollar, still with paint on it, and bra on his head, in his hands)
Patrick: No. (scene cuts to SpongeBob sanding the dollar with a buzzsaw, the dollar in Patrick's hands)
SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick’s hands are gone, leaving stumps)
Patrick: Nope. (scene cuts to SpongeBob using a fire hose in a fire hydrant, Patrick screaming off-screen)
SpongeBob: Did it work? (Patrick holds up the dollar that left a hole in his body from the force of the water, but place where dollar and hands were had no hole)
Patrick: Nope. (scene cuts to SpongeBob banging on the dollar Patrick is holding with a club, while Patrick is wearing a neck brace, in a room with a lot of violent tools)
SpongeBob: Nothing’s working!
Patrick: Wait, SpongeBob, we’re not cavemen! (walks over to a computer) We have technology. (picks up the computer and smashes it on the dollar while grunting like a caveman. Zooms in on dollar, all wrinkled)
SpongeBob: It didn’t work.
Patrick: This is all Mr. Krabs’ fault! If he hadn’t have hung that stupid dollar in the first place...I mean, it’s not like it looks any different than a regular dollar. Why hang it? You could just stick any old dollar bill up on the wall, no one would even know the difference! You might as well just reach into my wallet, pull out a dollar, and put it on the wall! And w-
SpongeBob: Hurry, Patrick, take out your wallet.
Patrick: (scoffs and looks for a dollar) I don’t see where you’re going with this.(notices dollar) Hey, a dollar!
SpongeBob: Our butts are saved, Patrick! Now all we have to...Patrick, no! (Patrick puts his dollar in a vending machine) Patrick! No...why did you put it... (the dollar comes out) AAH! Grab it, Pat, grab it! Hurry, hurry! (Patrick pushes it back in) Aww, Pat, no, no! (dollar comes out again) Get it, Pat, get it, get it! (Spongebob starts stammering, Patrick slams it back in again using both hands flat up against the machine) No-o-o-o-o-ooo! (Patrick walks up with the chocolate bar he got to SpongeBob)
Patrick: Wanna bite?
SpongeBob: (anxiously) Ok, ok, we still got time! (looks in a mirror) Don’t panic, SpongeBob. Panic is the enemy. You are strong. Through your strength, you shall overcome. (Mr. Krabs is heard humming a sea shanty outside the house)
Mirror SpongeBob: You’re on your own, pal. (walks away)
SpongeBob: (screams) Hurry Patrick, put Mr. Krabs' dollar back on the wall! I've got an idea. (Mr. Krabs enters his dark house where all the lights are off)
Mr. Krabs: What the--?
SpongeBob: (Sounding anxious) We’re all done, sir. Everything looks great.
Patrick: (Also sounding anxious) Yeah, you don’t have to look around. We already did that for you. (lights turn on, with Spongebob and Patrick in front with fear and guilt-filled grins)
Mr. Krabs: You both look like you got a dirty little secret. (Spongebob and Patrick stare) Ha! I’m kidding. Let’s see how you did. Oh, not bad, boys, not bad. A nice even coat, high gloss, no bubbles.
SpongeBob: (laughs) Yeah, looks great, Mr. Krabs. We’ll just be going.
Mr. Krabs: (Shouting) Flippin' fish fossils! Look what you did!
SpongeBob & Patrick: Oh, Mr. Krabs, we're so sorry! Please! Don't de butt me! Don't de butt me!
Mr. Krabs: Sorry? You dusted all my knickknacks! That was really nice. (Shouting again) Great Barrier Reef! What’s this?
SpongeBob & Patrick: Mr. Krabs, it's not our fault! We didn't do it on purpose! Accident, accident, accident!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, and I suppose the floor molding just painted itself on its own. (wall is decorated with tiny ships) That’s what I call craftsmanship. Criminy jim-jam! You messed up my dollar... (runs over to a bunch of dolls lined up perfectly, with one of them tilted slightly to the left) ...rama! All the dolls in this doll-a-rama were perfectly aligned!(straightens one of the dolls to an upright position)
Doll: (Squeaks) Mama.
Mr. Krabs: And you boys thought I wouldn’t notice. Oh well, I guess no harm done. All right boys, you’re free to go. (runs into a long pile of paintings) Ow! That’s funny, I don’t remember a stack of paintings jutting from the wall where me first dollar used to be. In fact, I don’t remember this painting at all. (takes picture of crying clown off the wall, then showing one of racecars) Or this one. (takes it off, showing abstract art. Spongebob and Patrick trembling) Or this one. Or this one. Or this one. (Painting of banana on wall) Or this one. (takes it off, showing picture of pirate from opening sequence) Or this one. (takes it off. SpongeBob is behind the painting he just took off, rope behind his back on nail)
SpongeBob: (nervously) Hi, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what are you doing?
SpongeBob: Oh, you know, just hanging around.
Patrick: (gives thumbs down) Boo.
Mr. Krabs: Get down onto the floor, boy. (SpongeBob stretches his body to the floor) All right, now you’re just being silly. (takes SpongeBob off the wall)
Spongebob: (Shouts) No, no, no, no, Mr. Krabs! No! Don't look, it's a trick!
Mr. Krabs: Did you two get paint all over me first dollar?
SpongeBob: We’re sorry, Mr. Krabs!
Patrick: We're so sorry!
Mr. Krabs: And then did you draw on it with CRAYON? (dollars is drawn on with green crayon, showing two dollar signs and a smiley face)
Patrick: (Holding green crayon) I thought, you know, maybe he’d buy it.
Mr. Krabs: (Menacingly) All right boys...you know what I’ve got to do now?
SpongeBob: You mean our butts?
Patrick: Can I use mine one last time? (Mr. Krabs takes the dollar and licks it. The paint comes off then Mr. Krabs puts the dollar back up on the wall)
Mr. Krabs: There we go, good as new.
SpongeBob & Patrick: But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but...
Mr Krabs: Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva. Ha-ha.
SpongeBob: Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs. You told us the paint was permanent so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything.
Mr. Krabs: Nah, I just like to mess with ya! (laughs. SpongeBob & Patrick leave his house. Mr. Krabs spits all over the place while he is laughing) The old man’s still got it... Huh? (the paint comes off the wall from the spit) Aww, crud. I really got to learn to say it, not spray it.
