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Episode Transcript: Idiot Box
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Episode Article: Idiot Box
Characters
Dialogue
SpongeBob: See anything yet, Patrick?
Patrick: I need my glasses. (puts 2 glasses of water on his eyes, which become real human eyes) Hmmm, it's the mail truck!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Our package! (both start dancing & hopping)
Squidward: I didn't realize it was Happy Hopping Moron Day.
Mailfish: SpongeBob SquarePants?
SpongeBob: That's me! (throws a very big box next to SpongeBob and Patrick)
Squidward: That's a big box.
SpongeBob: Thank you. (still dancing and hopping)
Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, when do we stop hopping?
SpongeBob: 30 more seconds, Patrick.
Squidward: Probably ordered a lifetime supply of bubble soap. (chuckles. SpongeBob & Patrick pull out a big screen TV) Huh? A brand-new television?
SpongeBob: Easy...easy... (they throw the TV onto a trash-can)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yeah! (go into box and start giggling)
Squidward: Just when I thought they couldn't get any stupider. Let me get this straight, you two ordered a giant screen television just so you could play in the box?
SpongeBob: Pretty smart, huh?
Patrick: I thought it wouldn't work.
Squidward: Yeah, that's quite a plan there. Oh, but wait, there's something else I wanted to ask you two. Now, what was it? Oh, yeah, yeah. DON'T YOU TWO HAVE ANY BRAINS?!
SpongeBob: Squidward, we don't need television. Not as long as we have our... (makes a rainbow with his hands) ...imagination.
Squidward: Wow, I never thought of it that way. That's really something. Can I have your TV?
SpongeBob: With... (makes a rainbow with his hands again) ...imagination, I can be anything I want! A pirate! Argh! A football player! Hutt!
Patrick: A starfish!
Squidward: Patrick, you're already a starfish.
Patrick: See, Squidward? It works! You try!
Squidward: OK, let's see. I'm imagining myself watching TV... (points to the one on the trash-can) ...and there it is! Can I have it, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Sure, Squidward.
Squidward: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! (pushes TV into his house)
SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, but if you change your mind, we'll be in this box!
Patrick: Let's play Mountain Climbing Adventure!
SpongeBob: Let's go for it! (goes into the box with Patrick) Gloves!
Patrick: Check.
SpongeBob: Hats!
Patrick: Check.
SpongeBob: Underwear!
Patrick: Uh...check!
SpongeBob: OK, Patrick. Climb up there and secure this rope.
Patrick: You got it! (there are noises coming from the box)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick, you're going too high!
Squidward: I hope they put some air holes in that box. (Patrick is heard cheering and saying things like "Woo!")
SpongeBob: Take it easy, Patrick, you've got to acclimate!
Patrick: Yeah! I'll take it easy when I'm dead! (chuckles) I'm shaking hands with Neptune! Woo! Excelsior!
Squidward: Now where's that remote?
Patrick: I am the lizard king! Woo!
SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick? Patrick! I think we should keep our voices down! We might start an avalanche!
Patrick: What?!
SpongeBob: I said, I think we should keep our voices DOWN in case of avalanches!
Patrick: What should we keep down?!
Squidward: Morons.
SpongeBob: OUR VOICES!
Squidward: Will you two shut up?! (kicks the box, and an avalanche starts, making SpongeBob and Patrick scream, fall, and cry) SpongeBob? (touches the box, and a second avalanche starts. SpongeBob and Patrick scream again, then cry)
Patrick: Hold me.
SpongeBob: Hang in there buddy, the chopper is on the way!
Patrick: SpongeBob! My legs are frozen solid! You'll have to cut them off with a saw!
SpongeBob: No Patrick, I can't do that!
Patrick: Why not?
SpongeBob: Because I already cut off my own arms!
Patrick: NOOOOOOOOOOO--
Squidward: (opens box) What the? How were you two making that noise?
SpongeBob: (laughs) What noise, Squidward?
Patrick: I could only hear the sound of our laughter.
Squidward: Yes! But those sound effects: the avalanche, the, the, the--
Patrick: Don't forget the second avalanche.
Squidward: Forget it. I don't know why I'm wasting my time out here when I could be watching my brand new television. (helicopter sounds) Huh? What the-?! (stammers and gasps)
Man Inside Box: Attention climbers, please hold on! The saws are on the way!
SpongeBob and Patrick: YAY! Whoo!
Squidward: Grr...aha! (opens the box) How are you doing that?
SpongeBob: First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet...
Squidward: The noises! How are you two making those noises?
Patrick: Well, that's easy. All you need is a box.
SpongeBob: And... (makes a third rainbow with his hands) ...imagination.
Squidward: Are you trying to say I have no imagination? I have more imagination... (tries to make a rainbow with his "hands" but is unsuccessful) ...in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies.
Patrick: That's good. Now all you need is a box. (closes the box as Squidward walks back to his house)
Squidward: I'll show them! (looks for another box) There's got to be one in here! (finds a small, round green box) Ah! This hat box should do nicely. (pulls out a sombrero) Why haven't I worn this yet? (gets in the box but he is too big for it and just sits there staring at his watch. Kicks the box after he gets mad, but hears a police car siren)
Police Man: Attention! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
Squidward: What do they want with me? What did I do? (gasps) Obviously, I violated some new box kicking law! (walks out of house with the green box) Look officers, everything's OK. I won't do it again!
SpongeBob: (as Johnny) You'll never take me alive, coppers!
Man: No, Johnny! Don't do it! (Squidward kicks the green box, and SpongeBob and Patrick open theirs)
Patrick: Whoopee! Another box! (they take the green box into theirs. Police cars chase Johnny's car as he speeds)
Squidward: I got to try to relax. Perhaps I can drown out their childish games with a little TV. (turns on TV to see a show on the Assembly Channel, showing boxes on an assembly line)
Narrator: It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly. (Squidward changes the channel to see a professor talk about a box equation on the Math Channel)
Professor: The equation is illustrated here by this box. (points at the equation with a stick. Squidward changes the channel to a soap opera on the Soap Opera Channel)
Nat: I couldn't afford a present this year, so I got you this box. (picks up a box)
Woman: That's what I got you! (picks up another box)
Squidward: Isn't there anything on that isn't about boxes?! (changes the channel to the Boxing Channel, which is showing Championship Boxing)
Announcer: And welcome back to "Championship Boxing".
Squidward: Heh-heh, I guess this is OK. I mean, it's not really about boxes. (a boxing match begins. Two cardboard boxes are going at each other, ironically enough) I give up.
Astronaut: 3... 2... 1... Blast off!
Squidward: (fascinated) How are they doing that? That was the most realistic space launch I've ever heard! There must be an explanation. Think, Squidward, think! (imagines of a tape recorder they have and them giggling and playing real sound effects)
SpongeBob: Shhh! Squidward's such a jerk. (both laugh)
Squidward: Laugh at me, will they? (opens box) All right, where is it?
Patrick: (comes out of Squidward's green box) Here I am!
SpongeBob: Where's what, Squidward?
Squidward: Don't "Where's what, Squidward?" me! Where's the tape recorder?
SpongeBob: We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward!
Squidward: Don't "We don't have a tape recorder, Squidward!" me!
SpongeBob: But we don't!
Patrick: We have a tape recorder box.
Squidward: All right, make way, you two, I'm coming in. (gets into the box)
SpongeBob: Welcome aboard, Squidward! You've just set sail on the S.S... (makes another rainbow with his hands) ...Imagination, where our only destination is fantastic adventure! Where do you want to go first?
Squidward: No, no, don't mind me, I'm just here to observe.
SpongeBob: But, Squidward, don't you see? Waiting and watching? That's not what the box is about! It's about... (makes yet another rainbow with his hands) ...imagination.
Squidward: (destroys the rainbow) All right, fine! Take me to "Robot Pirate Island!" I want to arm wrestle with cowboys on the moon! Just do it so I can get back and watch TV!
SpongeBob: OK, Squidward! Robot Pirate Island it is! (he and Patrick close their eyes and make pirate and robot noises)
Patrick: Beep beep beep.
SpongeBob: Arr.
Patrick: Bee boop beep boop.
SpongeBob: Ahoy matey!
Patrick: Beep beep.
SpongeBob: For that, you'll walk the plank! (Patrick chuckles goofily as SpongeBob giggles softly)
Squidward: (growls) Why won't this thing turn on?! (pounds box) All right, fine. If you don't want to show me, I don't care! I've got better things to do than pace the floor wondering how you two work this thing. (pacing around his upstairs) How do those two work that thing? There's got to be a secret button or a switch or something! I mean, listen to that! (hears beeping and sword noises and cheering from box) Now, that sounds like Robot Pirate Island! Grr...think, Squidward, think! I got it! When those two go to bed, I'll sneak in there and find that button. I'll wait all night if I have to! (bubble-wipe to night. Squidward has a surprised expression on his face. The box is making fireworks and cheering noises)
Patrick: (both come out of box. Patrick yawns) I need sleep to refuel my imagination tanks!
SpongeBob: I still can't believe those pirates beat all those robots.
Patrick: See you in the morning.
SpongeBob: Good night, Patrick. (Patrick and SpongeBob go home. Squidward sneaks out to get into the box)
Squidward: (laughs and sees a piece of paper on the wall) Hmm? Hello, what's this? (reads note) "This plaque is to commemorate the brave pirates who gave their lives to keep this box safe from the Robot Menace. Lest we forget--" (tears paper) Oh! I've got to find that button quick! (looks around box) It's got to be around here somewhere. I don't see anything! It's just an empty box! Maybe it really was their imagination. D'oh, get it together, Squidward! What are you saying? I mean, do I really believe that if I sit here and pretend to drive a race car that I'm suddenly going to start hearing noises? (steps on an imaginary gas pedal like he's in an invisible car and hears actual car noises) What the...? (puts in an imaginary key) It actually works! I can't believe it! Ho ho ho! Oh boy! This beats TV by a long shot! (laughs) Whoo! Ha ha ha! This is the most fun I've ever had!
SpongeBob: Listen to that, Gary. Squidward finally made the box work after all. That is so great.
Squidward: (laughs) Whoo! Vroom! Vroom! Only two more laps 'til the finish line! (garbage truck dumps out the trash) I'm in the lead! Out of my way! I'm almost there! (laughs) Victory is mine! (The box slides down a trash pile until it hits a metal pipe sending Squidward into a cherry pie) Agghh... (the box lands on top of him. Bubble-wipe to morning)
SpongeBob: Hey, our box is gone!
Patrick: Oh well.
SpongeBob: I know! Let's go see Squidward!
Patrick: I hope he's not too down in the dumps today. (timpani roll sounds as the episode fades to black)
