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Episode Transcript: Dying For Pie
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Episode Article: Dying For Pie
Characters
Dialogue
(Squidward is dressed in island clothes and playing the piano. He hits one of the notes but realizes it's messed up so he keeps hitting it. The sound is coming from SpongeBob ringing a bell)
SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward! (Squidward wakes up from his dream. Bubble-wipe to Squidward driving to work. Cut to a close-up of one of his bumper stickers that reads "Don’t Ask Me About My Day." Squidward walks up to the front doors and SpongeBob follows him from inside, smiling. Squidward walks inside) Hey, hey Squidward, did you see me? (Squidward keeps walking) Okay, see you later, Squidnator.
Mr. Krabs: Good morning, Mr. Squidward. (Squidward sticks his tongue out) So, are you ready?
Squidward: To go home?
Mr. Krabs: No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day.
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register and take orders and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards... (points at SpongeBob) ...that guy. (SpongeBob is washing a table with a scrubber. He scrubs his face and gets it mixed around. He laughs)
Mr. Krabs: That attitude of yours is precisely why we're having this little shenanigan. Now pay attention, the lad's got a surprise for you.
SpongeBob: Squidward, in honor of employee brotherhood, I present to you a gift. (holds up a sweater) Ta-da! (cut to show it's a picture of Squidward's head as the heart)
Squidward: "I heart you..."
Mr. Krabs: Try it on, Mr. Squidward! It's got you written all over it. (laughs. Squidward has a hard time putting the sweater over his head)
SpongeBob: I wasn't sure how big to make the hole for the head, so I used a watermelon for size. (Squidward gets the sweater over his head) Do you love it?
Squidward: (starts scratching the sweater) It's a little itchy. What's this thing made of? (cut to SpongeBob with no eyelashes or eyebrows)
SpongeBob: Eyelashes! (Squidward throws the sweater at SpongeBob, causing him to whimper)
Squidward: Now may I resume to my minimum-wage duties?
Mr. Krabs: After you present your brotherhood gift.
Squidward: I'll buy the little twerp a gumball.
Mr. Krabs: Oh no, no, no, no, lad; you know the rules-- you have to make the gift.
Squidward: (walks to the doors) The only thing I'm making is for the exit. (opens up the door to see SpongeBob with a new sweater from his tears)
SpongeBob: Is this any better, Squidward? I made this one with my tears. (Squidward sighs and walks towards the kitchen)
Mr. Krabs: I knew you'd come around, boy. Make something nice.
Squidward: Why can't I just buy something for the little weirdo?
Captain: Heave-ho! (Squidward looks and sees some pirates outside carrying some pies onto the ship) If you drop one slice of me booty, I'll have... your booty!
Squidward: Hi, there. Those homemade pies sure look good.
Pirate: Oh, these aren't homemade. They were made in a factory... a bomb factory. They're bombs.
Squidward: Oh, well, that's too bad. I thought they were pies and I wanted to buy one. (holds up money)
Captain: Wait! (jumps down off the ship) We were just kidding about all that bomb stuff. That'll be 25 bucks, please.
Squidward: So, what flavor is it?
Pirates: Cherry. Apple. Raspberry.
Squidward: Well, if it'll get old man Mr. Krabs off my back. (Squidward gives the pirate the money. Bubble-wipe to Squidward placing the pie on Mr. Krabs' desk) Okay, here it is, Mr. Krabs, fresh from the oven. I'll be returning to my life now.
Mr. Krabs: Not yet. I got to make sure you did it right. (about to put a piece in his mouth) Wait a second... this would go great with some milk! (while walking to the milk, he trips over a book and the piece of pie flies into the milk, causing an explosion) So, you tried to kill me over a little new age management, eh?
Squidward: But Mr. Krabs, I had no idea. I can explain! (cut to inside Mr. Krabs' office)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, are you okay? I heard a... wow! A pie! (looks at the card attached to it) It's from Squidward. (reads it) "To SpongeBob... Well, here you go."
Squidward: And that's what happened!
Mr. Krabs: 25 dollars? A bomb?!
Squidward & Mr. Krabs: IN THE KRUSTY KRAB?! (both run back into the office but the pie is not there)
Mr. Krabs: That's where you left it.
Squidward: It's not there.
SpongeBob: Hey, guys. (licks his fingers then rubs his belly) Thanks for the pie, Squidward. (skips out)
Mr. Krabs: You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears... and you kill him. How are you gonna live with yourself?
Squidward: Kill him? (Squidward imagines SpongeBob taking a tray to a customer)
SpongeBob: Here's your order, sir.
Customer: Thanks. (SpongeBob explodes and pieces of SpongeBob are everywhere)
Squidward: No, no! What we got... we got to call the hospital!
Mr. Krabs: Won't do any good, I've seen this before. When that pie goes up to bat, I mean, hits his lower intestine... boom!
Squidward: You've seen this before?
Mr. Krabs: Eleven times as a matter of fact. (Squidward runs over to a phone and dials the hospital)
Squidward: Yes, hello, doctor? Hospital? It won't do any good? Eleven times? (hangs up) Oh, he's a goner. How do we tell him? (both look out the window and see SpongeBob wiping off a table)
Mr. Krabs: Don't tell him. That'll only make him feel worse. By the way I see it, he's only got till sunset. Why ruin his last day on earth? The lad deserves to enjoy his final hours. (walks away)
Squidward: (tears up) You're right, Mr. Krabs! (sobs) I'm gonna make SpongeBob’s final hours the best he's ever had. And this time, there's gonna be love -- so much, that he's gonna drown in it. (opens the door then turns around) Drown in it! (walks out)
Mr. Krabs: (writes on a notepad) Note to self: watch out for Squidward.
Squidward: Uh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes?
Squidward: I forgot to tell you, there's a part two to your gift.
SpongeBob: Part two? (bounces up and down) Part two, part two, part two, part two... (Squidward grabs him)
Squidward: Please, don't do that.
SpongeBob: What's part two?
Squidward: Well, what's the most fun thing you can think of? (SpongeBob takes out a list)
SpongeBob: Actually, I keep a list of the fun things I like to do. I call it my friendship list.
Squidward: Great. Uh, let me see it. (looks at the list)
SpongeBob: The things that are extra fun, I've written in red.
Squidward: Everything's in red.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I know.
Squidward: We'd better start now if we want to get through this list before you die... of anticipation.
SpongeBob: Then let's roll! (both walk out) Bye, Mr. Krabs. (Mr. Krabs cries and puts a "Help Wanted" sign in the window) Heads up, Squidward-- looks like they're gonna replace you.
Squidward: Uh, yeah. Let's take a look at that list.
SpongeBob: Well, the first thing I want to do is show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to a businessman) Hi there, this is my best friend, Squidward. (cut to SpongeBob and Squidward talking to some kids) Hey kids, check it out! This is my best friend, Squidward. (one of the kids throws a rock at Squidward's head. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking up to a fish sitting on a bench) Hi, I want to show you my best friend, Squidward.
Squidward: Hey, Frank. Glad that's over.
SpongeBob: Good, 'cause we're onto our next activity.
Squidward: Which is...?
SpongeBob: I'm going to show my best friend Squidward to everybody in town wearing a salmon suit.
Squidward: You’re going to be wearing a salmon suit?
SpongeBob: (laughs) That’s a good one, Squidward. (bubble-wipe to Squidward in a salmon suit in front of some kids. All the kids throw rocks at Squidward. Cut to SpongeBob checking off the item on his list) Next. (SpongeBob and Squidward sit by a rock) Knock-knock jokes! Hey Squid, knock-knock.
Squidward: Who's there?
SpongeBob: I am! (laughs)
Squidward: (weakly laughs) Oh, yeah... (SpongeBob checks the knock-knock jokes off his list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward walking backward)
SpongeBob: (beeping) Look out everyone, friends in reverse! (beeping. Checks off this item off the list. Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward making noises with their tongues out of their mouths while moving their hands back and forth in front of their face. SpongeBob checks the item off his list. Cut to Squidward walking with SpongeBob as his face) Turn left, and... stop. See, that's what it would be like if you had me for a face.
Squidward: I can't breathe. (SpongeBob checks that off his list. Cut to SpongeBob performing open-heart surgery on Squidward) Are you sure you should be poking it like that?
SpongeBob: Who's the doctor here? (heart squirts blood. SpongeBob checks his operation off the list as well as some other items while he laughs) The last thing on the list is...
Squidward: Does it involve more dismemberment?
SpongeBob: Watch the sunset with Squidward.
Squidward: Sunset? (thinks about what Mr. Krabs said earlier in a though balloon)
Mr. Krabs: The way I see it, the lad's got until sunset until that bomb reaches his lower intestine.
SpongeBob: Hey, it's Mr. Krabs! Hi, Mr. Krabs. (Mr. Krabs cries and runs off) Okay, see you later.
Squidward: C'mon buddy, you want a sunset, then you'll get a sunset.
SpongeBob: Ah, underwater sunsets sure are beautiful eh, Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah.
SpongeBob: Yeah, this is great, just the three of us. You, me, (a brick wall is shown between the two) ...and this brick wall that you built between us.
Squidward: Yeah. (laughs nervously)
SpongeBob: Sunsets always remind me of bowls of fruit. What do they make you think of, Squidward? (Squidward imagines SpongeBob exploding)
Squidward: Explosions. I mean, erosions.
SpongeBob: You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay. (Squidward tears up. SpongeBob burps) Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. (smells the aroma) Hey, smells like cherry. Or maybe grape. Blueberry? (the sun starts to go down) Here it is, the sunset! I always love to count it down. Five... You do the rest, buddy.
Squidward: Four... three... two... one... (nothing happens)
SpongeBob: I guess we started too early. Let's start again.
Squidward: Five... four... three... (an explosion is seen from behind the wall) two... (cries) o-o-o-one...Well, at least I was able to make his last few hours meaningful. I am such a good person. (another explosion is seen behind the wall but it knocks the wall down on top of Squidward this time. SpongeBob is blowing some bomb-shaped bubbles)
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, check this out! (Squidward gets up and mutters) Squidward, we already played 'babble like an idiot'.
Squidward: Why are you still here?
SpongeBob: Well, since we finished everything the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. We should be able to finish by January. (holds up a book that says "Friend 4 Ever") I already filled up this book of ideas.
Squidward: (slaps book away) Forget the book! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because you were supposed to explode!
SpongeBob: You want me to explode?
Squidward: Yes! That's what I’ve been waiting for.
SpongeBob: Um, okay, I'll try. (struggles) Gary! You are gonna finish your dessert and you are gonna like it! (laughs) Now it's your turn.
Squidward: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!!
SpongeBob: Oh, good one.
Squidward: No! I mean you were supposed to explode into a million pieces.
SpongeBob: Why would I do that?
Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
SpongeBob: What pie?
Squidward: The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for twenty-five dollars and I didn't know it was a bomb and you ate it... that pie.
SpongeBob: Pie... pie... (takes out a pie) Oh, you mean this pie! I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! (walks forward and trips on a rock) Whoops... (pie flies into Squidward's face causing an explosion the size of an atomic bomb)
Squidward: Ouch.
