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Episode Transcript: Squilliam Returns
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Episode Article: Squilliam Returns
Characters
Dialogue
Squidward: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. (looking at his watch while SpongeBob is mopping the floor) I’m done with my shift, Mr. Krabs! And let me just say, there will come a day when I will make something of my life and I will never have to set foot in this grease trap again! (a crowd of people stand up and cheer behind him)
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, we’ll see you after your lunch break, Squidward.
Squidward: Ok. (walks out)
Squilliam: (talking to a group of people) So, I just took my private yacht across my private lake to my private heliport.
It’s the only way off my private island.
Squidward: (gasps) Oh, shrimp! It’s my arch rival from high school, Squilliam Fancyson! I can’t let him see me in my
Krusty Krab uniform. (takes off his hat and is about to put it in the trashcan)
Squilliam: On your lunch break, eh, Squiddy?
Squidward: Yes...I mean no...I mean...uhh, uhh, hey, whatcha been up to?(worried and sweating)
Squilliam: Oh, just succeeding in everything you’ve failed in.
Squidward: You are no great shakes, Squilliam Fancyson. Anyone can be a big shot in a hick town like Bikini Bottom.
Squilliam: Oh, is that so? Let’s hear what you’ve accomplished since high school, Squiddy.
Squidward: (thinking to himself) Don’t be intimidated, Squidward. Try to imagine him in his underwear. (imagines
Squilliam as a hot underwater model) Oh no, he’s hot! (to Squilliam) I’m, uhh, in food service.
Squilliam: Hold it, don’t tell me. You’re a cashier! (laughs)
Squidward: (thinking to himself) Don’t lie. Lying always makes it worse. (to Squilliam) I own a five-star restaurant!
Squilliam: Squidward, I had no idea you were such a success.
Squidward: That’s right.
Squilliam: And I would be honored if you would allow me to come to your restaurant… tonight. (glass breaks. Squidward's
nose shrinks)
Squidward: T-t-t-t-t-t-tonight?
Squilliam: In fact, we’ll all come. My treat! (group cheers. Scene cuts to Squidward in Mr. Krabs' office)
Squidward: Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to help me! When they get here tonight, they’re going to see I’m just a big phony and a loser! Mr. Krabs: Oh, boo-hoo! Let me play a sad song for you on the world’s smallest violin. (moves his fingers and
music plays)
Squidward: This is serious.
Mr. Krabs: I know, this really is the world’s smallest violin. (violin is shown) See?
Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Please let me run the restaurant for just one night! I really need to impress Squilliam.
Mr. Krabs: Sq-Sq-Sq-Squilliam? (Squilliam’s unibrow appears above Mr. Krabs' head) That guy who made millions doing what
you wish you could do?
Squidward: Don’t rub it in.
Mr. Krabs: Why didn’t you tell me? We’ll take him to the cleaners. (scene cuts to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs standing straight
in a line. Squidward is walking back and forth in a white tuxedo)
Squidward: Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the
Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible. (Patrick appears next to SpongeBob with an army hat on his head)
Patrick, what are you doing here?
Patrick: I thought the Corps would help me straighten out my life, sir!
Squidward: The Corps? What the...Patrick, this isn’t the... (sighs) Beggars can’t be choosers. Can you take hats in a
dignified and sophisticated manner?
Patrick: You mean like a weenie? Ok. (talks like a weenie) May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May
I...
Squidward: (shuts Patrick up) Alright, I’ve heard enough. You’ve got the job. (walks off) Mr. Krabs, didn’t you once serve
on the S.S. Gourmet?
Mr. Krabs: Aye-aye!
Squidward: Then you’ll be our chef. (Mr. Krabs walks off)
SpongeBob: What can I do?
Squidward: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but SpongeBob, you’re going to have to be the waiter.
SpongeBob: What’s that?
Squidward: It’s the guy who goes to tables and takes orders.
SpongeBob: Do other restaurants do that?
Squidward: Yes, they do that! Now listen, Squilliam is on his way and you have less than twenty minutes to become a fancy
waiter, so read this. (hands SpongeBob a book)
SpongeBob: "How To Become a Fancy Waiter in Less Than 20 Minutes." Don’t worry Squidward, I’ll memorize every page, right
down to the punctuation marks.
Squidward: Alright, I’ve got all the positions filled. I just might pull this off!
Patrick: Give me that hat! (shaking a coat rack with a hat on it) I said give it to me! Are you going to hand it over or
not? Don’t you back-sass me! (starts punching it)
Squidward: He’s just the hat-check guy, nothing essential! (an explosion in the kitchen is heard. A bunch of green goop
flies out) What happened? What is it?
Mr. Krabs: Peas! (a can of peas, still in the can, is on the stove) Made 'em the old-fashioned way.
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you gotta take them out of the... (gasps) Holy fish paste, what is that? (notices a giant goop of
food on the grill, with flies and other things sticking out of it)
Mr. Krabs: That’s the appetizer.
Squidward: But I thought you said you were the head chef on the S.S. Gourmet?
Mr. Krabs: Did I say that? No, I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.
(Squidward walks out of the kitchen)
Squidward: There you are! SpongeBob, you gotta help me! (walks over to SpongeBob) Patrick and Mr. Krabs aren’t working out
and Squilliam’s almost here, and, and... SpongeBob? (turns SpongeBob around. SpongeBob looks tired from reading all the
pages)
SpongeBob: I can’t do it. I can’t do it, Squidward.
Squidward: What?
SpongeBob: Every sentence, every paragraph -- (slams the book on his face) Spoons! Bread! Salad! Pepper! Don’t you
understand? (brain starts to swell) My brain is full to bursting! If I have to memorize a single order, I think I’m going
to explode! (he explodes)
Squidward: SpongeBob, hold on! Let’s just take a second here to relax. (SpongeBob lowers his arms) Little more.
(SpongeBob lowers his arms more) Little more. (SpongeBob’s face falls to the floor) Good. Now, I want you to empty your
mind.
SpongeBob: Empty my mind?
Squidward: Empty your mind.
SpongeBob: Empty my mind.
Squidward: Empty you mind of everything that doesn’t have to do with fine dining. Fine dining and breathing. (inside
SpongeBob’s head, we see a bunch of other SpongeBob’s running around in an office)
SpongeBob #1: Just got an order from the boss: Dump everything that isn’t about fine dining!
All: Everything?
SpongeBob #1: Everything! (everyone starts to panic and throw everything away) Come on, let’s get moving! (walks up to
another SpongeBob) Hurry up! What do you think I’m paying you for?
SpongeBob #2: You don’t pay me. We don’t even exist. We’re just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract
concept of thought.
SpongeBob #1: One more crack like that and you’re out of here!
SpongeBob #2: No, please! I have three kids! (more dumping persists. Scene cuts back to SpongeBob, with a blank look on
his face)
Squidward: How do you feel? SpongeBob? (snaps his tentacles as SpongeBob drools) This isn’t working! I gotta go tell
Squilliam I need more time! (runs out the door) I’ll just go to Squilliam’s house and tell him... (stops because he sees
Squilliam and the group) Squilliam, you’re here!
Squilliam: Hello, Squiddy! We’re all ready to be dazzled by your five-star restaurant.
Squidward: Wait, Squilliam, I’ve got to explain!
Squilliam: Explain what? That you, Squidward Tentacles, voted most likely to suck eggs in high school, (walks in) are
trying to pass off a lousy burger stand as a five-star... (gulps) ...restaurant? (inside of the restaurant looks very professional with nice wallpaper, an orchestra, a chandelier, and other things) Hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina...
(Squidward and the group start to stammer as well. SpongeBob comes in with a tuxedo on)
SpongeBob: Table for Hommina? I can seat you immediately! (picks up the group of customers)
Squidward: (whispering) How did you do all this?
SpongeBob: It was easy, once I cleared my mind.
Squidward: But what about Krabs and Patrick?
SpongeBob: Taken care of. (Mr. Krabs and Patrick are tied up in the back) Right this way, please. (seats everyone quickly
then runs back to Squilliam) Good evening, sir. (gives Squilliam a menu) From our menu tonight, might I recommend the
Krabby Newburg? (gives Squilliam a shoulder massage as he takes away his menu) We take the finest cuts of aged, imported
kelp, stuff them with herbs from our garden, wrap them in parchment with our award-winning shallot tapenade, slow-roast
them for six hours in our wood-fired, clay-filled oven, or kiva and serve them with a garnish of wilted coral on a
mahogany plank. (while telling him all of this, he makes Squilliam's experience the best he can so he treats him like
royalty doing all sorts of things)
Squilliam: Mmm...this is fantastic!
SpongeBob: (saluts with all the hands that helped)Thank you, sir.
Squidward: Pinch me, I must be dreaming. (SpongeBob pinches him)
SpongeBob: If you need anything else, just call.
Squidward: SpongeBob, I can’t thank you enough for all you’re doing!
SpongeBob: Fine dining and breathing are all I know how to do. (runs off)
Squidward: It worked. I can’t believe it! Squilliam thinks I own a five-star restaurant. Time to rub it in his face.
(SpongeBob is combing Squilliam's unibrow) Well Squilliam, I’m waiting.
Squilliam: Alright, I admit it. Everything is fabulous. The food, the atmosphere -- everything’s flawless!
Squidward: In that case, I need you to read this. (hands Squilliam a card)
Squilliam: "Squidward Tentacles..."
Squidward: (puts a foam finger on his left hand) And I need you to wear this.
Squilliam: Oh, eh, "Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest..."
Squidward: (puts a microphone in front of Squilliam) I’m sorry, one more time. (Squilliam’s voice is over the loudspeaker)
Squilliam: "Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest restaurant in Bikini Bottom...and he does not suck eggs." (everyone cheer) Squidward, I must tell you... (SpongeBob pours more water in Squilliam's glass. Squilliam drinks it) Thank you.
What really won me over was your brilliant waiter. It’s as if all he knows is fine dining and breathing. I must know your
name. (record scratches)
SpongeBob: My name?
Squilliam: Yes, your name, son.
SpongeBob: Uhh, Beef Wellington?
Squilliam: (chuckles) No, your name.
SpongeBob: Uhh...err...the fork on the left?
Squidward: Stop joking. Tell him your name.
SpongeBob: My name? (zoom inside of SpongeBob’s brain again where all the SpongeBob’s are searching for a name)
SpongeBob #3: What's his name? What's his name? I've got nothing on a name.
SpongeBob #4: (searching on the computer) C'mon, baby, what's the name? (panicked shouting is heard as all the
SpongeBob’s are running around and paper is flying)
SpongeBob #2: We threw out his name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (SpongeBob’s brain breaks in half causing SpongeBob to spill water on Squilliam and
bark)
Squidward: I am so very sorry! I don’t know what has gotten into that... (screams as he notices SpongeBob with a bowl of
green goo by one of the customers)
SpongeBob: More soup for your armpits? (holds up the customers arm and throws the soup on his armpits. The customer
screams as SpongeBob runs over to another customer and grabs her head) Please enjoy the food! (slams her face into her
food then runs up to another customer) Would you like some cheese on that, sir? (picks up the customer and uses him on
the cheese grater. Everyone screams and panics)
Squidward: No, no! (Patrick, still tied up, runs out of the kitchen. Mr. Krabs, still tied up, runs out, also)
Mr. Krabs: Run for your lives, everyone! It’s the appetizer! (the appetizer, on the grill, is alive and is crawling around
while everyone screams and panics. Squidward's tuxedo ripped off and his Krusty Krab hat floats into his head and his
nametag appears on his shirt)
Squilliam: Well Squiddy, I’m waiting.
Squidward: Ok, I admit it, I’m a fraud! This was all a futile, pathetic attempt to impress you. This isn’t really my
restaurant. I’m just a cashier!
Squilliam: Squidward, I understand. I have a confession to make myself. I made everything up about my life. I have no
yachts, jets, or anything. I was only trying to impress you. The horrible, sad truth is, I’m a cashier too! (starts to
cry. Mr. Krabs plays the violin)
Squidward: Is that true?
Squilliam: Of course not! I’m filthy stinking rich! Come on, everyone. Let’s all take a ride in my balloon/casino!
(everyone cheers and follows Squilliam. The wallpaper in the Krusty Krab rips off. Squidward sits down and sighs)
SpongeBob: (walks over with a bag of ice on his head) I got such a headache. What’s going on with you?
Squidward: Oh, the usual. (Mr. Krabs walks over and plays the violin) Would you get out of here?
