Episode Transcript: Krusty Love

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Graveyard Shift	Procrastination

Episode Article: Krusty Love

Characters

Dialogue

Mr. Krabs: Dadadi...stick twen per 2... dadadidu... dididida... didu... Oh? (He smells something) What’s that smell? (He runs over to the boat in front of the kitchen window.) The register! (He smells it repeatedly.) 49.0... 8!?! That’s a penny short!
(He starts to sob. Squidward walks by.)
Squidward: Oh, no. Not a penny. Help, somebody help us.
(SpongeBob appears in the boat besides Mr. Krabs, consoling him.)
SpongeBob: It’s just a penny, sir. It doesn’t matter.
Mr. Krabs: Doesn’t matter? It’s money that makes the world go round, boy. It’s money that keeps your pants square. It’s money that gives Squidward infinite soap.
(Squidward smells himself.)
Squidward: Ahhh... Lilac.
Mr. Krabs: It’s money that paid for all them renovations we did. (We see the Krusty Krab in bandages.) Oh, nothing in all the seven seas could matter more! Not even that (Something catches his eye.) hmmm? scrumptious curvy cutie.
SpongeBob: I see her, Mr. Krabs. A Krabby Patty with cheese. The classic.
Mr. Krabs: Not the sandwich, boy! The curvy cutie holding the sandwich.
(We see Mrs. Puff eating the Krabby Patty just described by SpongeBob.)
SpongeBob: Hey! That’s my driving teacher, Mrs. Puff.
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff?! Aw, she’s married.
SpongeBob: Oh, no, Mr. Krabs, she’s single.
Mr. Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff?
(We see live-action footage of a blowfish lamp being turned on.)
SpongeBob: She doesn’t like to talk about it.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have a lass like that on me claw.
SpongeBob: Hey, I know. Why don’t I take you over and introduce you?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no! No! No, I’m too old, boy - too hard-shelled for love. Besides, I ain't properly dressed!
SpongeBob: Oh, come on, Mr. Krabs! you look great. (We see his clothes have grease stains, his pocket is inside-out with mud coloring it, and his fly is down.) You wait here while I go break the ice!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, no, wait! I’m too nervous! Ooohhh...
(At Mrs. Puff's table...)
SpongeBob: Hi, Mrs. Puff!
(Mrs. Puff screams.)
Mrs. Puff: Hit the brakes! SpongeBob! Watch that tree! Left! Left!
(SpongeBob snaps.)
SpongeBob: Wait, Mrs. Puff! We’re not driving!
Mrs. Puff: Oh, I’m sorry SpongeBob, I didn’t expect to see you here.
SpongeBob: I work here, Mrs. Puff! Want to meet my boss?
Mrs. Puff: Well, I’m not...
SpongeBob: Don’t move!
(Mrs. Puff tries to leave, but SpongeBob and Krabs get back to the table too soon.)
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I’d like to introduce you to Mr...
(Mr. Krabs falls forward onto the floor. SpongeBob props him back up.)
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I’d like to introduce you to my boss, Mr. Krabs.
Mrs. Puff: (Nervously) Uh...hello.
SpongeBob: Psst! Mr. Krabs, say hello.
Mr. Krabs: Gla-gloo!
SpongeBob: No, no, Mr. Krabs, just say hello.
(Mr. Krabs makes a choking gasp type noise.)
Mrs. Puff: Hmm, perhaps another time would be...
Mr. Krabs: Nooo!
SpongeBob: Wait! He’s trying to tell you something.
Mrs. Puff: Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: (babbling) Be-bloo! Blob-geter!
Mrs. Puff: I don’t understand.
(Mr. Krabs continues to babble)
SpongeBob: Oh, uh, I think Mr. Krabs is saying that he’d like to, uh, hit you with a rake!
Mrs. Puff: (Scared) Goodness!
Mr. Krabs: No! (babbling)
SpongeBob: Try to guess your weight!
Mrs. Puff: (Offended) Well!
Mr. Krabs: (waving his arms frantically, he continues to babble)
SpongeBob: No, wait! He wants to take you...on a date!
(Krabs raises his arms in triumph, gasps, and happily falls over)
Mrs. Puff: Is that true, Mr. Krabs? Do you want to take me on a date?
Mr. Krabs: Aye! What do you say?
Mrs. Puff: What do I say? (laughs) I say, you have a way with words, Mr. Krabs.
(Walks away.)
Mr. Krabs: I still got it.
(He laughs happily. Cut to Mr. Krabs’ anchor home.)
SpongeBob: Are you ready for your date, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I’m always ready when it comes to dating, lad.
SpongeBob: Breath spray?
Mr. Krabs: Check!
SpongeBob: Lucky hankie?
Mr. Krabs: Check!
SpongeBob: Giant rusty anchor?
Mr. Krabs: Uh, anchor? Anchor! I can’t find me giant rusty anchor!
(SpongeBob laughs.)
SpongeBob: Relax, Mr. Krabs. Just a little joke. Good luck with you know who.
(Makes a circle in the air.)
Mr. Krabs: Who's that?
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yeah. Well, wish me luck, lad!
(Cut to "Fancy!", a restaurant which is a ship in a glass bottle. We see Krabs and Puff there.)
Mrs. Puff: Oh, Mr. Krabs, this dinner has been so wonderful. The coral was cooked to perfection. (Laughs) I don’t think I could eat another bite.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, I doubt that, my little shrimp boat.
(Mrs. Puff laughs again.)
Mrs. Puff: You’re spoiling me, Mr. Krabs. I mean, foot rubs between courses. (We see a squid rubbing Mrs. Puff's feet.) Caricatures.
(Shows Krabs a picture of her on the beach with an enlarged head.)
Mrs. Puff: Imported music...
(A live-action scuba diver plays the piano on the other side of the room.)
Mr. Krabs: Nothing’s too good for you, my prickly peach.
Mrs. Puff: Well, what I’m trying to tell you, Mr. Krabs, is...
Waiter: Sir, your fancy pantsy limousine is here.
Mr. Krabs: Wonderful. Pufflily-poo, your chariot awaits.
Mrs. Puff: Well... (Two men pick up a screaming Mrs. Puff and carry her to the limo)
Mr. Krabs: You’ll never have to walk again, my little lobster bib!
(Sighs as the waiter approaches him again.)
Waiter: Your bill, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Huh? What! $100!? Well, this can’t possibly be correct.
Waiter: Oh, my mistake, sir. Thank you for pointing that out. (Hands him a different bill.) This is your bill.
(Krabs' scream is so loud that the glass on the glass bottle shatters. Back at Mr. Krabs' house, SpongeBob is watching Mr. Krabs sob on the floor.)
SpongeBob: I don’t understand, Mr. Krabs. How can you spend $100,000 in one night?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, SpongeBob! I couldn’t help but spend every cent I had on her! I couldn’t control myself.
SpongeBob: What are you going to do?
Mr. Krabs: I don’t know, boy! I’ve got another date tomorrow! I’m caught in the middle of me two greatest loves! Sweet Mrs. Puff, and the rest of me money! (sobs loudly)
SpongeBob: I wish there was some way I could help.
Mr. Krabs: Perhaps there is, boy. (Hands him his wallet) Here. I’m putting you in charge of me money.
SpongeBob: I don’t get it, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: You come with me on the date and don’t let me spend any money.
(The next day. The two walk to Mrs. Puff’s metallic pink house.)
Mr. Krabs: Now remember, we keep it cheap and go to the park. And no matter how much I ask you, you don’t give me any of me money. Now, give me a dollar.
SpongeBob: Nope.
Mr. Krabs: Good boy! You’ll do fine!
(Knocks on the door.)
Mrs. Puff: Who is it?
(Krabs immediately becomes entranced and intoxicated. His eyes turn into hearts.)
Mr. Krabs: It’s me, my beautiful belle buoy.
Mrs. Puff: (giggles) Just a minute!
Mr. Krabs: (his eyes return to normal) Flowers! Flowers, boy! Go get flowers!
SpongeBob: But you said...
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you can’t call on a classy lady like Mrs. Puff empty-handed. (Makes square in the air.) We ain't talking about this... (Makes a triangle) ...or this! (Makes the circle from earlier.) We’re talking about this!
Mrs. Puff: (sing-song voice) Almost ready!
Mr. Krabs: Hurry boy! Get the flowers!
(Mrs. Puff comes out.)
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff! You’re as beautiful as ever!
Mrs. Puff: (chuckles) That’s funny, I thought I heard SpongeBob’s voice.
Mr. Krabs: Uh, you did. He’ll be right back. He’s our personal assistant for the day.
Mrs. Puff: Oh, uh, excuse me - I have to call my insurance agent.
(Walks back inside.)
Mr. Krabs: Of course, my beautiful Puff. (sighs. Hearts again appear in his eyes.)
(SpongeBob returns with the flowers.)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! (Mr. Krabs' eyes return to normal) I got the flowers you wanted me to buy!
Mr. Krabs: What's that?
SpongeBob: I got the flowers. For Mrs. Puff.
Mr. Krabs: We had an agreement, boy. You’re not supposed to spend any of me money!!
SpongeBob: But you said...
Mrs. Puff: Here I come.
(She walks out, and Krabs grabs the flowers, once again hypnotized by his love for Mrs. Puff and gives the flowers to her.)
Mr. Krabs: For you, Mrs. Puff!
Mrs. Puff: Oh, flowers! Oh, how thoughtful.
Mr. Krabs: And here’s a box of chocolates! (He holds out an empty claw.) SpongeBob, where's the chocolates?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, the budget doesn’t allow for...
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you can’t go to Mrs. Puff’s house without chocolates.
(SpongeBob runs off.)
Mr. Krabs: Hurry! Hurry!
(SpongeBob comes back with the heart-shaped box of chocolates.)
SpongeBob: I bought the biggest box they had.
Mr. Krabs: Buy, buy, buy! Spend, spend, spend! Is that all you can think about?!
Mrs. Puff: Oh, Eugene!
(hearts appear again in Krabs' eyes. Krabs presents the box to Puff.)
Mr. Krabs: Here’s those chocolates I bought for ya! What are we doing today, Mrs. Puff? Dinner? Dancing? A trip to the moon?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! We’re just going for a walk in the park, remember?
Mrs. Puff: Actually, a walk in the park sounds perfect. It’s a beautiful day. I’ll just need to get a sun hat and...
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff needs a sun hat, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Well, I think she's...
Mr. Krabs: The sun’s beatin' down on poor Mrs. Puff’s head!
SpongeBob: As your financial advisor, I suggest...
Mr. Krabs: There’s no time for suggestions! Go buy a hat!
SpongeBob: But...
Mr. Krabs: Today! Don’t worry, Mrs. Puff! I’ll shade you!
(Places a barrel on Mrs. Puff's head. As SpongeBob comes back from the store.)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, hurry!
SpongeBob: One shady hat.
Mr. Krabs: Good job, lad.
(Puts it on Mrs. Puff.)
Mrs. Puff: Oh! Well, uh, thank you, but you didn’t need to buy one. I have a hat in the closet.
Mr. Krabs: Didn’t need to buy one?
(He turns his head around like an owl to face SpongeBob.)
Mr. Krabs: You hear that, boy - we didn’t need to buy a hat. Aren’t you supposed to saving me money?!
SpongeBob: I’m trying, Mr. Krabs, but you keep telling me to buy things for Mrs. Puff. It’s all really confusing.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, I’m sorry. This is my fault. I’m not thinking clearly. I’m making a sailor’s promise, boy. From this moment on, I won’t ask you to buy anything for Mrs. Puff.
Narrator: A few moments later...
(Krabs is happy and hearts float in the background.)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Mrs. Puff needs a new fur coat!
(After SpongeBob buys one, Krabs is mad and flaming dollars float in the background.)
Mr. Krabs: You’re spending all me money! (Happily) Puffy needs a new pair of shoes.
(SpongeBob gets them.)
Mr. Krabs: (Angrily...) You’re breaking me, boy! (Happily) She needs fine jewelry! (SpongeBob gets them, but...) Not that fine!
(We see SpongeBob running to and from stores, and Krabs keeps yelling his name, alternating happy and angry.)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! (SpongeBob grabs an umbrella) SpongeBob! SpongeBob! (SpongeBob rides a bicycle) SpongeBob! SpongeBob! (SpongeBob grabs a surfboard, then in rapid succession, a grandfather clock, a barbell made of anchors, a television, and too many others to count) SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! (By this time, SpongeBob is too tired to move) (happy) SpongeBob, I’m glad I caught you! I want you to buy Mrs. Puff...
SpongeBob: (interrupts) WAIT! Don’t tell me. You want me to run down to the store and buy Mrs. Puff something she doesn’t need - (imitates running) then you want me to run back here so you can say... (stretches his eyes over his head and imitates Mr. Krabs) “Arrgh, SpongeBob! You’re spending all me money!” And then, I’ll say, “But Mr. Krabs, I’m only doing what you said!” Then you’ll say, “We’re not talking about this..." (Makes the triangle) ..."Or this"... (Makes the square) ..."we’re talking about this!" (SpongeBob makes a dotted line all over the screen, then pants in exhaustion)
Mr. Krabs: But, lad, this time’s different! Mrs. Puff needs this!
(Cut to Mrs. Puff who has many unneeded, expensive items surrounding her.)
Mrs. Puff: Are we going to the park soon?
Mr. Krabs: (drops to his knees) Please lad, I’m begging you! I’m a lonely old crustacean who’s found love. Don’t let me lose her!
(Mr. Krabs starts to sob)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, don’t. Don’t cry, Mr. Krabs. Come on! OK, I’m going to get it, see! (Walks offscreen, and comes back with a washing machine.) Cheer up, Mr. Krabs. Here’s that washing machine you wanted.
Mr. Krabs: Cheer up? How can I cheer up when you’re spending all me hard-earned cash?!
SpongeBob: See?! You just did it again!
Mr. Krabs: Lad, I can’t help it if you’re loose with other people’s money. (Looks at the washing machine) Do you think Mrs. Puff will need a dryer to go along with that?
SpongeBob: Well, Mr. Krabs... Do you want to know what I think? (SpongeBob starts screaming gibberish, and it implies that he's swearing. During this, Mrs. Puff looks up the words SpongeBob says in a dictionary and blushes. The following is decipherable during this:) *gibberish* Mr. Krabs' wallet!
(SpongeBob angrily storms home to his pineapple, and Mr. Krabs’ mouth is agape.)
Mrs. Puff: I didn’t know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary. Actually, there’s something I’d like to say too, Mr. Krabs. (Takes off her fur coat, shoes and hat.) I’m afraid I don’t feel comfortable accepting all these gifts. I’d rather go Dutch, if you don’t mind.
(She hands him some money from her purse.)
Mr. Krabs: (Takes the money) OK.
Mrs. Puff: You’re a very sweet man, Mr. Krabs.
(Mrs. Puff kisses him. He gasps and his eyes bend into the shape of a heart.)