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Episode Transcript: Club SpongeBob
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Episode Article: Club SpongeBob
Characters
Dialogue
(Scene starts with Squidward coming out of his with a bicycle.)
SpongeBob and Patrick: (Giggling)
SpongeBob: Whey wook.. it's Wuidward!!
Squidward: What?
SpongeBob and Patrick: (laughter)
SpongeBob: Wuidward's woing to work.
SpongeBob and Patrick: (laughter)
Patrick: Where...does he work? Wat the Wusty Wrab?
SpongeBob and Patrick: (laughter)
Squidward: What's that supposed to mean? Some kind of stupid secret code?
SpongeBob: We can't tell you because your not a member of the club.
Squidward: Oh yeah? What does it take to be a member? Besides being a moron... Hahaha...moron...as a
requirement...hahaha...
SpongeBob: Sorry Squidward.. but you couldn't even get in if you tried!!
Squidward: Well I'll have you know.. that I am a member of over 20 exclusive clubs all over the sea bottom.
Patrick: What'd he say?
SpongeBob: I dunno.. something about his nose?
Patrick: Squidward.. you and your nose will definitely NOT fit in!!
Squidward: Oh what do two you zeros know about fitting in?
(Climbs vine)
Squidward: Why...you should be begging me to join!!
SpongeBob and Patrick: No no no!! Stop.. you can't get in!!
(Squidward gets stuck in the treehouse)
Squidward: Well this is stupid.. there's no room up here!!
Patrick: That's what we've been trying to tell you!!
SpongeBob: We've been stuck up here for three days..
Patrick: We told you you wouldn't fit in..
Squidward: (sneers)
Spongebob: Well...since you're here Squidward...we'll give you the new member initiation. Are you ready Patrick?
Patrick: Ready!
Music:
Welcome to our club, Welcome to our club.
Welcome Squidward Welcome Squidward, Welcome Squidward Welcome Squidward!
Squidward: Shut your half-wit pieholes!! I do not now, nor will I ever, want to be a member of your stupid club!!
(Gets to floor then vine snaps)
Squidward: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Nancy: Whoa!
Male Fish: Make a wish, honey.
(Treehouse falls into kelp forest)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoo!! Whoo!! Whoo!! Again!! Again!! WHOLOOLOOLOOLOO...
Squidward: Oh, no. That didn't just happen. Please tell me that didn't happen!!
Patrick: What happened?
(Squidward moves away)
Squidward: Where are we? We're lost. There's no way out!! Stuck.. in the middle of nowhere.. with Spongebob and Patrick!!
(SpongeBob and Patrick wave at Squidward crying)
Squidward: Why does every 11 minutes of my life be filled with misery? WHHHYY?
SpongeBob: Oh cheer up Squid. It could be worse.
Patrick: Yeah. You could be bald and have a big nose.
(Squidward's nose deflates)
Squidward: Well.. this is the end..
SpongeBob: No it's not Squidward!!
Patrick: (building coffins) It's not?
SpongeBob: Come on guys, we'll be fine!! (patting Squidward's head) As long as we stick together, remember, we're a club!!
WHOOOLOOOLOOOOLLOOOOLOOOO!! And besides...we have THIS!!
(SpongeBob pulls out the Magic Conch Shell)
Squidward: What's that?
Patrick: OOOOO!! The Magic Conch Shell!! Ask it something!! Ask it something!!
SpongeBob: Magic Conch Shell...will I ever get married?
Magic Conch: Maybe someday.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Oooohhhh...
Squidward: You've got to be kidding!! That is just a STUPID toy!! How can that possibly help us?
SpongeBob: (gasp) Squidward, you must never question the wisdom of the Magic Conch. The club always takes it's advice
before we do anything.
Patrick: The shell knows all!!
SpongeBob: Oh, Magic Conch...what do we have to do to get out of the Kelp Forest?
Magic Conch: Nothing.
Patrick: THE SHELL HAS SPOKEN!!
Squidward: Nothing?! We can't just sit here and do NOTHING!!
(SpongeBob and Patrick sit down.. doing nothing)
Squidward: (gets mad) I can't believe you two are gonna take advice.. from a TOY!!
(SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing.)
Squidward: Alright. Alright. Alright!! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity. But don't you two sad clowns come crying to me when your circus tent comes crashing down!!
(Walking away in kelp forest)
Squidward: Sad clowns.. Haha. Haha. Sad. Haha. Haha. Clowns. Haha. Haha.
(Squidward runs fast and scared.)
Squidward: What was that? I was already here!! Which way do I go? Ohh I'm lost!! Ohh...I'm HOPELESSLY LOST!! I'll never get
out of here!!
(Sees light)
Squidward: Huh? Huh? Hhahahahahahaahhaa!! I'm FREE!! Take that Spongebob and Patrick!! Ahahaha!! Ahahaha!!
(Fist pumps in air. Sees Spongebob and Patrick)
Squidward: Ohh...there's no way out of here.
(Stick is thrown at Patrick's head.. Squidward has surrounded himself with sticks and a fire)
Squidward: How's it going over their at Club Shell-For-Brains? Mmm mmm mmm. I am hungry. I wonder what's on the menu for
Club SQUIDWARD tonight?
(Steps on bug)
Squidward: Aahhhhh...
(Throws bug onto pan then walks over to SpongeBob)
Squidward: Oooohh.. Doesn't that smell good SpongeBob? You haven't eaten in days..
(Walks over to Patrick)
Squidward: How about you Patrick? A big boy's gotta eat.. Well you can't have any..
(Walks Away)
Squidward: And do you know why SpongeBob? Because your club president is a shell!!
(Shakes butt at SpongeBob)
Squidward: If you had listened to me.. you'd have food.. shelter.. and a roaring fire.. But instead.. you listen to a
talking clam..
(Moves back to Club Squidward)
Squidward: That tells you NOTHING!! As if the answers of all your answers will fall right out of the sky!! Hahaha!! Fall
right out of the sky!!
(Airplane falling out of the sky)
Pilot 1: Dude!! We're falling right out the sky!! We gotta drop the load!!
(Presses "Drop the Load" button. Drops picnic supplies (food) to where SpongeBob and Patrick are)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Praise the Magic Conch!!
(Squidward stares and the bug gets up and hits him with the stick. SpongeBob and Patrick eat)
SpongeBob and Patrick: Ahahahaha!!
Squidward: Hey uhh Spongebob.. that sure is a lot of food you got there..
SpongeBob: It's a gift from the Magic Conch..
Squidward: Everything sure looks delicious. Oohh!! Smoked Sausages!! My favorite!!
(Reaches for them but Patrick sucks them in and eats them)
Squidward: Hey, uhh, SpongeBob, you know I was just kidding before earlier and I mean I'm still part of the club and I mean
the club has to stick together, and uhh, uhh...
SpongeBob: Squidward...
Squidward: Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Once a member, always a member!!
SpongeBob and Patrick: (clink glasses) To the club!! WHOOLOOOLOOOLOOLOOOOLOOO!!
Squidward: Yeah.. Whooloolooloo.. Now if you'll excuse me...
(Runs to table with all the food)
Squidward: What should I eat first? The spaghetti, the turkey, the soup, the canned meat?
SpongeBob: Why don't you ask.. The Magic Conch Squidward?
Squidward: Oh, yeah, like that'll happen. Right after I consult the Magic Toenail.
(SpongeBob and Patrick pull table away)
SpongeBob: (gasp) Squidward, are you questioning the authority of the Magic Conch? The Conch is the one who gave us this
banquet.. This copyrighted conch is the quarterstone of our organization!!
Patrick: Maybe he's not a brother.
(SpongeBob looks at Patrick wide-eyed)
Squidward: Hehehe...you guys have it all wrong!! I love this little piece of plastic.
(picks up Magic Conch)
Squidward: Hello there. Uhh, Magic Conch, I was wondering...should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
Magic Conch: Neither.
Squidward: Oh. Well what about the soup?
Magic Conch: I don't think so.
Squidward: Can I have anything to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: No?! What do you mean No? I'm starving here!!
Patrick: (takes Magic Conch) Here, lemme try. Magic Conch...can Squidward have some of this yummy-delicious-super terrific
sandwich?
Magic Conch: No.
Patrick: Hmm.. Can I this yummy-delicious-super-terrific sandwich?
Magic Conch: Yes.
Patrick: Alright!! (Vacuums in sandwich) Sorry Squidward.
Squidward: (takes Magic Conch) Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Could I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: No.
Squidward: Can't you say anything else but no?
Magic Conch: Try asking again.
Squidward: Can I have something to eat?
Magic Conch: NoOoOoOo
(Squidward fumes...getting mad)
SpongeBob: Squidward, are you alright?
(Squidward still getting mad)
Patrick: Maybe we should ask the shell if he's ok.
Rescuer: Hello? Anyone there? Hello? HELLO? Do you folks need some help?
(Cuts through kelp...seeing SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward)
Squidward: I'm SAVED!!
(Runs over to Rescuer)
Squidward: You don't know how happy I am to see you.. I've been stranded out here for weeks.. with these two barnacle heads..
and their Magic Conch Shell!!
Rescuer: Magic...Conch...Shell? (pulls out Magic Conch) YOU MEAN LIKE THIS? (with two big teeth)
SpongeBob and Patrick: The Magic Conch!! A club member!!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: WHOOLOOOLOOOLOOOLOOOO!!
Squidward: (in surprise) Abra.
Rescuer: My conch told me to come and save you guys!!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: Hooray for the Magic Conches!!
Rescuer: Alright Magic Conch.. What do we do now?
Magic Conch: Nothing.
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Rescuer: All hail the Magic Conch!!
(SpongeBob, Patrick, and the Rescuer sit down doing nothing. Squidward moves behind them)
Squidward: ALL HAIL THE MAGIC CONCH!!
(Sits down with Spongebob, Patrick, and the Rescuer)
