Episode Transcript: Survival of the Idiots

Revision as of 19:27, 24 April 2023

Episode Article: Survival of the Idiots

Characters

• SpongeBob
• Patrick
• Sandy

Dialogue

(SpongeBob and Patrick are running down the block jumping up and down, disfiguring themselves in the process. They're shouting assorted things about going to Sandy's house)

SpongeBob & Patrick: We're going to Sandy's house horray! All right, Sandy we're coming to your house, horray!

SpongeBob: Huh?

(they stop in mid-run when they see Sandy's treedome is enclosed with metal walls. The two walk up to the door, which has a "Keep Out" sign on it)

The Eating Channel

SpongeBob: Sandy? (they enter) Hey Sandy, what's with the sign?

(the two walk up to a TV, which shows Sandy in a nightgown eating acorns)

Patrick: Look, she's on the Eating Channel.

Sandy: [On TV. Sandy fills her cheeks with acorns and swallows, wincing in pain as the giant mass of acorns passes down her long, thin neck and into her small torso, deforming it as it goes.] Howdy! [eats more nuts] If y'all are watching this, that means I'm asleep for the winter. This sleep is called hibernation. ["HIBERNATION" appears on the bottom of the screen. Sandy eats more nuts.] During hibernation, animals don't like to be woken up. So, do not disturb. [sternly] That means you, SpongeBob. [Patrick turns the TV off and puts on SpongeBob's water helmet and his own]

Snow in the Treedome

Patrick: We better put these on.

SpongeBob: Never mind, Pat. Sandy said not to come in. Let's am-scray.

(Patrick pushes the button, letting all the water drain out of the front foyer)

Patrick: When are you gonna learn, SpongeBob? "No" means "yes"!

SpongeBob: Patrick, listen, how many times do we have to...

Patrick: SpongeBob, look at this! (Sandy's treedome is covered in snow and it's snowing. SpongeBob gasps and walks in)

SpongeBob: What is this stuff? (pan around the treedome)

Patrick: It's a vast, swirling wonderland of sparkling white pleasure. Let it fill your senses with cascading, fluffy pillows of excitement and comfort, as you've never felt before.

SpongeBob: (teary-eyed) Wow, Patrick. That was beautiful!

Patrick: What, I was just reading this candy wrapper, see? (hands SpongeBob the wrapper. SpongeBob gasps)

SpongeBob: Patrick! Put your helmet back on! (Patrick has taken his helmet off and is eating the snowflakes) You know there's no water in Sandy's house!

Patrick: It's okay, SpongeBob. This stuff is water! Look! (lets a flake land on his tongue. It melts into water)

SpongeBob: I guess you're right. It's okay here!

Patrick: Take it off. No one's looking. (SpongeBob takes his helmet off and the two cheer and burrow themselves in the snow. They pop back up with noses made of snow. Then they hear a weird sound, like Sandy snoring)

Snorin' Sandy

Patrick: SpongeBob, did you hear that?

SpongeBob: I think it came from Sandy's tree.

Patrick: That is one tired tree.

SpongeBob: Let's check it out. (cut to inside Sandy's tree, where SpongeBob and Patrick come in. They both gasp) Look what's in Sandy's bed! (they walk over to the bed, where Sandy is asleep in hibernation form, looking like some weird squirrel-like monster)

Patrick: It looks like an over-inflated Sandy doll.

SpongeBob: I think this thing is Sandy!

Patrick: Hibernation must mean the opposite of beauty sleep.

Sandy: (snoring, talking in sleep) I've had enough of your dastardly deeds, Dirty Dan. I'm gonna get you and your partner, Pinhead Larry or my name ain't Sheriff Sandy. (snores)

SpongeBob: (giggles) She must be dreaming about Texas outlaws. (the two giggle) Look out Sandy, I'm Dirty Dan.

Sandy: I'm gonna catch you and throw you in jail at taxpayers' expense.

SpongeBob: Oh, you better run faster, Sandy.

Patrick: Yeah! I'm getting away! Faster! (Sandy moves her arms and legs)

SpongeBob: Hurry! We're getting in a taxi!

Patrick: Faster, faster! (the two giggle)

Sandy: I'll get you two. You're nothing but pure evil! Just like newspaper comics. (snores off to sleep. The two giggle again)

SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick. We shouldn't disturb her anymore.

Patrick: That's not disturbing. This is disturbing. (struggles to create a talking face that protrudes from his back) Hi there, Sponge...Bob. My name is... PatBack!

SpongeBob: Ha! That is really disturbing! (the two laugh uncontrollably. Cut to Sandy. Her eye shoots open. A giant shadow looms over SpongeBob and Patrick. Patrick stops laughing, while SpongeBob continues to laugh)

Patrick: Umm, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: (stops laughing) Huh? (Sandy is really mad now; she's steaming red and roaring. SpongeBob and Patrick run, but Sandy has them both by the britches. They run in mid-air anyway)

Patrick: Faster, SpongeBob! She's gaining on us!

SpongeBob: Sandy, no! Stop!

Sandy: I warned ya, Dirty Dan! Now you've just crossed the border into Hurtville!

SpongeBob: Sandy, it's us! Your friends, SpongeBob and Patrick!

Patrick: Please Sandy, I can't afford dry-cleaning!

Sandy: Gonna skin ya and make a pair of size six...boots. (falls asleep and drops the two. They inch away and see Sandy fall back into her bed)

Patrick: Fun's over.

SpongeBob: Whew, we sure don't want to wake her up again. Too bad we don't have any earplugs to put on her.

Patrick: Yeah, all's I got is this bellybutton lint. (he takes the lint out of its designated area. It somehow forms into the shape of earmuffs)

SpongeBob: All right, Pat!

The Fight Over Dirty Dan

(SpongeBob takes the earmuffs and crawls over to the bed. Patrick follows. SpongeBob puts the earmuffs on Sandy)

Sandy: I'm gonna rip your arms off...flapjacks. (snores)

SpongeBob: Well, that oughta work.

Patrick: (loudly) Hey Sandy, does it work? (SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other and raise their eyebrows repeatedly and in symmetry)

SpongeBob: Hey Sandy, if you can't hear us, don't say anything!

Patrick: Hey Sandy! Don't wake up! (the two giggle. SpongeBob takes a megaphone up to Sandy and yells into it)

SpongeBob: See ya later, Sheriff Sandy! (laughs. The two run down to the snowy plains and act like outlaws, with that drawling voice) You're under a-rest!

Patrick: You-ll na-ver catch me! (giggles. Makes a snowball and throws it at SpongeBob's face. They both laugh. Starts to make another one, but he's hit by a giant mound of snow, which SpongeBob fired from a giant snow cannon) Hey, that's not fair! Cowboys couldn't afford cannons.

SpongeBob: They couldn't afford station wagons either! (shoots one out at Patrick)

Patrick: Nice paneling.

SpongeBob: All right, Pinhead. Your time is up! (cut to Patrick, who looks like a cone-head)

Patrick: Who you calling Pinhead? (shows a face of Patrick looking like a dork) I want to be Dirty Dan!

SpongeBob: What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan?

Patrick: I'm dirty... dagle! (gets hit on the head by a giant snow shovel that SpongeBob has)

SpongeBob: I say I'm Dirty Dan. (Patrick runs off and returns with a giant bat with a nail in it, made of snow. He whacks SpongeBob with it)

Patrick: I say I'm Dirty Dan!

SpongeBob (hits Patrick with shovel again) I say I'm Dirty Dan! (the two repeatedly hit each other, arguing about who Dirty Dan is. Inside the tree, Sandy humbly sleeps... that is, until the lint earmuffs fall off. Cut back to outside, where SpongeBob screams when he sees something)

Patrick: Screaming will get you no- (Sandy's arm reaches out, grabs Patrick's forehead, and rips it off. We see Sandy is really ticked off now)

Sandy: WHICH ONE OF YOU FELLARS IS THE REAL DIRTY DAN?

Patrick: Uh... I am? (Sandy slaps Patrick all the way across the treedome)

SpongeBob: Patrick! (Patrick slams against the dome. Little drumsticks float around his head)

Patrick: Hot wings... (cut back to Sandy and SpongeBob)

Sandy: Okay, Pinhead Larry, now you get yours! (SpongeBob screams loudly and runs off. Pounds the ground where he was standing; bellowing) PINHEAAAAAAAD!!! (SpongeBob whimpers and runs. Sandy is close behind. SpongeBob later doesn't seem to be going far because he's right in front of Sandy on the exercise wheel. He slips and gets flung across the wheel. He flies off and slams into the picnic table, leaving a giant crater in its place. Leans over the crater) Now you're gonna pay for those crimes, Pinhead! (SpongeBob picks up a wooden board)

SpongeBob: Sandy, stay back. I'm warning ya! (Sandy roars right in SpongeBob's face) Okay, I warned ya! (throws the wooden board. Patrick pops up for no reason)

Patrick: Did you win? (gets hit by the board and rolls down the crater to SpongeBob's feet) Hi SpongeBob. (Sandy leaps down the crater. SpongeBob and Patrick scream as a giant cloud simulating a fight appears)

Nighttime

(cross-fade to the treedome at night, where two gravestones are in front of Sandy's: one for Dirty Dan, and one for Pinhead Larry. Patrick and SpongeBob come up from under the snow in respective tombstone order)

Patrick: Okay, SpongeBob, you can be Dirty Dan. I just want to be Patrick!

SpongeBob: Let's get out of here before Sandy wakes up again! (the two run to the door, and SpongeBob tries his best to open it. Arm loses its grip and smacks Patrick in the face) Sorry Patrick, but the door is slippery! It's frozen shut!

Patrick: Let me have a try. (goes up to the door and spits on both hands, preparing to open the door) Open sesame! (nothing happens. Patrick shrugs) Well, I've done all I can do.

SpongeBob: Then we're stuck in here, until the door thaws... in spring.

Patrick: Barnacles! (cross-fade to much later, where SpongeBob and Patrick are completely buried in snow, shivering and blue) Is it spring yet?

SpongeBob: N-n-n-no. (Patrick and SpongeBob's snow covering on their faces breaks off)

Patrick: I'm so cold that I'm shivering! (a piece of Patrick's side of his head cracks off, revealing his brain)

SpongeBob: I'm so cold that I can use my nose drippings as a pair of chopsticks! (snaps off his two nose drippings and clicks them together)

Patrick: I'm so cold that... I'm shivering!

SpongeBob: Maybe we should build a fire. I got it! We'll burn the bark from Sandy's tree! (begins to pull a strip of bark off the tree, but he's stopped by Sandy's booming voice)

Sandy: (off-screen) You're gonna be wearing an iron lung when I'm through with you, Pinhead! (quickly puts the strip back on and masking-tapes it on. Goes back to Patrick)

SpongeBob: The fire's not going to happen, Patrick. I don't get it! How does Sandy survive these intense conditions every year?

Patrick: Maybe she just ignores it.

SpongeBob: Maybe...

Patrick: Maybe...

Sandy's Fur

SpongeBob: Maybe it's her fur! (cut to a shot of a real-life squirrel)

SpongeBob and Patrick: YEAH!!! (cut to inside the tree, where Sponge and Pat marvel at Sandy's fur)

SpongeBob: Look at all that warm, toasty fur!

Patrick: It's like a gold mine... but with fur. (SpongeBob ever so slowly goes to pluck a hair off Sandy)

SpongeBob: Carefully... carefully... (Patrick smacks him)

Patrick: Come on, do it! I'm freezing here!

SpongeBob: All right, all right, hang on a second! (plucks one hair off, and Sandy jumps up from her sleep and roars ferociously. Then she goes back to sleep) That should be enough, right? (Patrick takes the hair)

Patrick: Sponge, I'm a big man. A big...BIG man!

SpongeBob: Well, I guess I've lived a full life! (plucks one more hair, causing the same reaction with Sandy)

Patrick: This is taking too long! I want the warm now! (takes a piece of masking tape)

SpongeBob: Pat, no! (Patrick places the masking tape on Sandy and rips it off, leaving a long hole where her fur used to be. Sandy roars and goes back to sleep) Pat, are you crazy? (we see Patrick has placed the fur on his forehead)

Patrick: No, I'm warm.

SpongeBob: Lemme see that roll of tape. (as we pan out from the tree, we hear the tape ripping out Sandy's fur and her roaring. Fade to later, where Patrick comes out of the tree with a strip of hair on his forehead and his pants full of fur. SpongeBob comes out with a weird fur hairdo and a goatee)

Patrick: Man, that fur really hits the spot! No more frozen armpits. (lifts his arm up, revealing fur under it)

SpongeBob: And this eyebrow/goatee combo works like a charm. This is the best idea we ever had.

Patrick: You said it!

SpongeBob: I'm ready for the longest, coldest winter ever!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Bring it on! (just then, all the snow stops and melts. It's springtime again. Flowers bloom)

Spring

SpongeBob: Spring?

Sandy: (yawns) Wow, spring already? (SpongeBob and Patrick run frantically to the door, but it hasn't thawed yet)

SpongeBob: Tartar Sauce! The lock is still frozen!

Sandy: (off-screen) I sure can't wait to get outside and warm my fur! (SpongeBob and Patrick frantically blow on the door handle until it melts. Sandy peeks out the window) Oh look, it's SpongeBob and Patrick! (with that, Sponge and Patrick start screaming, trying to open the door) Hi guys! (walks over. Sees all the different fur assortments the two are wearing. Looks down at herself in her bikini, sees that all her fur is gone and screams in terror)

SpongeBob: It's okay, Sandy. Squirrel pattern baldness is quite common in small mammals! (Patrick hides his furry forehead piece. Sandy is really ticked now)

Sandy: (Turns red) SpongeBob... Patrick...

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Sandy, we've got you covered. (giggles nervously. Fade to Sandy's arm pouring some lemonade. She giggles)

Sandy: More lemonade, boys? (cut to see that Patrick is curled around Sandy's head and SpongeBob is curled around Sandy's body, in order to cover up her baldness. The two take a glass)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Thanks, Sandy.

Sandy: Spring sure is lovely.