Episode Transcript: Can You Spare a Dime?

Latest revision as of 21:32, 30 September 2023

Episode Article: Can You Spare a Dime?

[edit] Characters

• SpongeBob
• Squidward
• Gary
• Mr. Krabs

[edit] Dialogue

[The episode begins at nighttime at the Krusty Krab.] French Narrator: [Camera cuts to the exterior of The Krusty Krab] Closing time at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs: [counting the change in the cash register] 51, 52, 53... Squidward: [counting his suction cups] 29, 30, 31... SpongeBob: [mopping in synchronization] One, two, three. One, two, three. Squidward: Mr. Krabs, can we please go now? Mr. Krabs: Perhaps, one of our more loyal workers can enlighten you on company policy. SpongeBob: [referencing the manual] "The Krusty Krab Employee Manual; 2nd Revised Edition; Page 35; Section 19; Clause 3a, states: All staff must remain on the premises until the day's receipts are fully accounted for." Squidward: But that's not fair! SpongeBob: [referencing the manual, again] "Clause 3b: The proprietor reserves the right to be unfair." Squidward: Teacher's pet. Mr. Krabs: Let's see... [counts money in his register] five, ten, 25, blue, apple sauce. Everything looks to be in order. Except... [gasps] Where is it? [takes apart the register in search of something] Where is it?! Squidward: What? Mr. Krabs: My dime! Me special dime, the first dime I ever made! I always keep it in the back of the register for luck! Squidward: Well, I've never seen it. [Mr. Krabs glares at Squidward in suspicion] Mr. Krabs: Hmm, are you prepared to say that with your hand on a stack of interpretive dance quarterlies? [pulls out a stack of dance quarterlies] Squidward: Of course I'm... [makes a shocked face] What are you saying? Mr. Krabs: Me? I ain't saying nothing that would matter to anyone who would be willing to take a lie detector test! [holding a lie detector in his hands] Squidward: You're saying something! Mr. Krabs: Heavens to Betsy, no. It's just that me lucky dime's gone missing and you've been working the register all day! Squidward: [angrily] Are you accusing me of something?! Mr. Krabs: Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: One, you stole it. Two, you stole it. Or three, you stole it! Squidward: [enraged] I didn't take your precious dime! Mr. Krabs: Show me your tentacles. Squidward: What?! Mr. Krabs: I wanna see empty suction cups. Squidward: [squeezes Mr. Krabs' eyes with his tentacles in anger] Here! Here! Here! See 'em?! [stomps away] Mr. Krabs: You... you can't do that to me. I'm your boss! Squidward: Not anymore, Mr. Krabs. I quit! [throws his hat down. The hat falls in slow motion] SpongeBob: [gasps] No! [catches the hat with a pillow] Squidward: I'm outta here! SpongeBob: Squidward, you're making a big mistake! Squidward: Mistake? Ha! The only mistake I ever made was wasting my life at the Krusty Krab! SpongeBob: But a visit to the Krusty Krab makes everyone happy. And what could be better than serving up smiles? [smiles really big] Squidward: Being dead or anything else! SpongeBob: I never knew you felt so strongly about this. Squidward: Where have you been? SpongeBob: Well, I guess I can't stop you. But Squidward, it's a cold, cold world out there. No one's going to serve you happiness on a silver platter. [Norma appears with cookies on a silver platter and offers SpongeBob a cookie] Norma Rechid: Free sample? SpongeBob: Cookies! [takes one, and eats it] Squidward: Can I have one? [Norma is already gone] SpongeBob: Anyway, I just want you to know, if you ever get in trouble, come find me. I'll take care of you. 'Cause you and me... [grabs Squidward and pulls him toward himself] ...we're like brothers, only closer. [lifts Squidward's shirt and their hearts are somehow joined together and beating in unison. Creepy alien music plays before Squidward screams and leaps away from SpongeBob.] Squidward: SpongeBob, I don't need your help. I am ready to unlock my potential. I could become anything I set my mind to. [imagines himself in various following jobs] I could be a football player, or a king, or a spaceman. SpongeBob: Or a football playing king in space... with a mustache. Squidward: [narrows his eyes] Yeah... uh-huh. Ya know, that reminds me, there's something I've been wanting to say to you since the day we met... Goodbye. Next time you see me, this town will be eating out of the palm of my hands! [skips to a homeless Squidward in a box trying to get spare change in a cup from passersby] Spare change? Spare change, ma'am? SpongeBob: Squidward? Squidward, is that you? Squidward: Uh, I, uh... [closes his box] SpongeBob: It's me, SpongeBob. [opens his box up] We used to work together. Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob: There ya go. So, where you living these days? Fish: Squidward Tentacles? Squidward: Yes? Fish: Sign here, please. [Squidward signs and the fish takes his box] Squidward: Uh... nowhere. SpongeBob: Great. And what have you been doing with yourself? No, wait, let me guess! Hmmm...I see you've been working on that mustache, the tattered clothes, the awful smell... you're a football player? Squidward: No. SpongeBob: A spaceman? Squidward: No. SpongeBob: A football playing king in space-? Squidward: Don't you get it? [sobs] I'm a loser! I lost my job, my home, everything! SpongeBob: [gasps] Even your paintings? Squidward: Nobody would take them. So I had to eat them! [his stomach is shown to have a rectangular shape from his eaten painting. Squidward starts to cry out a fountain of tears into SpongeBob. SpongeBob soaks it up and becomes bigger, but he squishes himself to let the water out] SpongeBob: There, there. You can come live with me. [Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house] Here you go, Squidward. You sleep in my bed. [Squidward is laying in SpongeBob's bed] Squidward: Okay, but just until I get a job. One day... two days tops. SpongeBob: [baby talk] Nonsense. You stay as long as you need to. [kisses Squidward on his nose] Good night, my little angel. [the next morning, SpongeBob rings a bell to wake Squidward] Breakfast is ready! You're gonna need to build up your strength again so I laid out a big buffet for you. Squidward: And in bed, too? Aw, thanks, SpongeBob. SpongeBob, I... SpongeBob: Ahh! Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Here comes the plane. [makes plane noises while attempting to put some food in Squidward's mouth with a spoon] Squidward: It's really nice of you to help me in my time of need. [swallows the food] I'll try not to be a burden. SpongeBob: It's no trouble. Is there anything else I can do for you, winner? Squidward: No, no, no. You've already... well... [shows SpongeBob putting lotion on his hand and then massaging Squidward's scalp, feeding him grapes, massaging his tentacle, spraying his scalp with hairspray and wiping it, massaging his back then his nose, giving him a baby bottle, wiping his scalp once more, giving him an acupuncture, and polishing his head and seeing his reflection] SpongeBob: Oh, wow. Nurturing a broken spirit is a lot of work. [throws the blanket upwards and it lands on him as he lies on the sofa] I'm bushed. Still, it feels nice to do good. [turns the lamp off then yawns] Good night, Gary. Squidward: SpongeBob, can I get a glass of water? [bottom floor light turns on and SpongeBob marches up stairs and turns on the light to give Squidward the water] Thank you. SpongeBob: Good night. [marches back downstairs and turns off the light] Squidward: SpongeBob, could I get some more blankets? [SpongeBob marches upstairs again turning on the lights on the way up there] SpongeBob: Here you go. Squidward: Thank you. [SpongeBob goes downstairs again, accidentally leaving Squidward's light on] SpongeBob, you forgot to turn out the light! [SpongeBob marches upstairs] SpongeBob: Good night. [turns off the light and when he walks downstairs he trips and makes lots of noises] Gary: Meow. SpongeBob: [gasps] Gary! Squidward is not a freeloader, and he would never take advantage of me. French Narrator: [reading timecard] Three weeks later... SpongeBob: [exhausted] He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back. [falls down] French Narrator: [reading another timecard] Many months later... SpongeBob: [even more exhausted. Gary looks tired as well] I'm sure he's close to a breakthrough. [falls down] British Narrator: [reading the third timecard] So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one... [SpongeBob drags himself into the room, by now utterly exhausted. Gary doesn't look sympathetic, though.] Gary: Meow, meow, meow. SpongeBob: [annoyed] I know he still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in! Squidward: SpongeBob, where's my lemonade? SpongeBob: Coming, Squidward. [falls flat on his face] Squidward: [SpongeBob is running down the hallway] SpongeBob?! SpongeBob?! [SpongeBob enters his bedroom] And why aren't you in uniform? [SpongeBob exits room and re-enters in a maid outfit] It's about time you got here! SpongeBob: [sardonically] Here you go, Your Majesty. Squidward: I can't drink that. SpongeBob: Why not? Squidward: Are you blind? Just look at it. [close-up of the lemonade] SpongeBob: [becomes irritated] What about it? Squidward: That lemon has three seeds in it. That's an odd number! I can't eat anything odd numbered. SpongeBob: Fine, I'll just take it out. [takes out the lemon and Squidward goes crazy] Squidward: No! No! It's already contaminated by the bad lemon! It won't work! SpongeBob: [annoyed] Hmm, that's two things in this house that won't work. [refers to Squidward and the lemonade] Squidward: Then go fix them. SpongeBob: [grips the glass of lemonade so hard that it shatters] Two things that won't work! [clenches his fists and trembles in anger] Squidward: I've changed my mind. I want soup instead. SpongeBob: Okay, don't move. [walks out the bedroom door, revealing his white briefs, as his outfit doesn't cover his back. He then closes the door, and comes back in wearing normal clothes with a bowl of steaming soup] Here you go. It's alphabet soup. I made it special. [shows soup with the phrase "GET A JOB" in alphabet letters but then Squidward slaps it out of SpongeBob's hands] Squidward: Condensed soup from a can? Disgusting! Now you've ruined my appetite! Go fetch me something to read! SpongeBob: Oh, okay. How about this? [pulls out a newspaper with the "job listings" page on the front] Squidward: [gasps and swats the Bikini Bottom Times Free Press newspaper away. SpongeBob becomes more angry] Get that away from me! You know I'm allergic to newsprint! SpongeBob: [chortles] Ya know, when you swatted that newspaper out of my hands, it reminded me of something a friend of mine did... at his job! [SpongeBob's alarm clock blows him away] Squidward: 4:00. Time for my stories. Hurry up, they won't hold the show while you laze around. [SpongeBob rolls in a TV and hands Squidward the remote. Squidward turns it with crayon background on to see two puppets: a green puppet, which represents Squidward, and a yellow one wearing a shirt and tie similar to SpongeBob] Puppet #1: [puppet #2 is whistling] Hey, where are you going? Puppet #2: To my job. Puppet #1: You have a job? Puppet #2: Why wouldn't I? I'm not some lazy, inconsiderate jerk who lays in bed all day. Puppet #1: Say, where can I get one of these... jobs? Puppet #2: Oh, they're everywhere. [the camera moves back in the room, showing SpongeBob making voices with the puppets] Especially if you're green and have six tentacles. Puppet #1: Thanks. I'm gonna go look for one, so I can stop... SpongeBob: ...mooching off my friends and they can get back to their lives! Squidward: This isn't my show. [presses the remote, with crayon background, but nothing happens] SpongeBob, the remote control is broken! Get over here and fix it! SpongeBob: [angrily] I've got a better idea! [throws the TV away and jumps on top of Squidward in bed] Why don't I call someone whose job it is to fix it? You know why? Because when I need a job [pokes Squidward's nose] done, I get someone with a job [pokes Squidward's nose again] to do [pokes Squidward's nose for the third time] that job! [pokes Squidward's nose for the fourth time] Squidward: [narrows his eyelids] What are you saying? [This turns out to be the last straw. Outside, it is day. SpongeBob's house jumps into the air before the side is smashed out as a furious SpongeBob pushes the bed, with Squidward still in it, outside and towards the Krusty Krab while screaming in total fury.] Mr. Krabs: [talking on his phone] Donate to the children's fund? Why? What have children ever done for me? [SpongeBob suddenly appears, as he furiously grabs the phone and throws it away] SpongeBob: You want your dime back?! [takes one out] Take it! Now Squidward can come back, right? [Mr. Krabs checks the dime through a telescope] Mr. Krabs: Wrong! [throws the dime at SpongeBob's face] That ain't my first dime. SpongeBob: Then have some more dimes! [throws out more dimes at Mr. Krabs' face. Mr. Krabs narrows his eyes] I've got plenty of 'em! Mr. Krabs: You can't put a price on me first dime! And I can't forgive that thievin' bilge rat Squidward for stealin' it! SpongeBob: [finally snaps in extreme rage and fury, grabbing Mr. Krabs by the throat and holding him up in the air] Listen, you crustaceous cheap-skate! Squidward's been living at my house, driving me crazy! [shakes him violently with wide open and bloodshot eyes, screaming angrily] And you're not gonna hire him back all because of a stupid dime?! [a prehistoric dime falls out of Mr. Krabs' back pocket. SpongeBob suddenly calms down and lets go of Mr. Krabs] What's that? Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Me first dime. [hugs the dime] Oh, Dimey, I'll never lose you again. SpongeBob: This is a dime? Mr. Krabs: I've been in business a long time, boy. SpongeBob: So, if Squidward never stole the dime, he can come back to work, right? Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad, just let the dime and me have our privacy. [kisses the dime. SpongeBob cheers before running off] SpongeBob: Yeeee-aah-hoooo! Mr. Krabs: [at the counter] Well, Mr. Squidward, it's good to have ya back. Squidward: Well, it's kind of good to be back, sir. Mr. Krabs: It's all water under the bridge now. Squidward: I agree, sir. Mr. Krabs: After all, I'm sure ya didn't mean to misplace me dime. Squidward: What the... What are you saying? Mr. Krabs: Well, it's obvious that ya put the dime in me pants. Dimes just don't fly into people's pants. Squidward: Are you accusing me of something? [SpongeBob puts the maid costume back on over his clothes, ready for the inevitable] Mr. Krabs: Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: One, you put the dime in me pants. [outside the Krusty Krab] Two, you put the dime in me pants. Or three, you put the dime in me pants!