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Episode Transcript: Artist Unknown
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Episode Article: Artist Unknown
Characters
Dialogue
Squidward: Ah, how I have dreamed of this day. Mr. Tentacles: Professor of Art. What a marvelous opportunity for the people of Bikini Bottom. Bring me your huddled masses of bored housewives and I will shape them into my image. (wife's head turns into Squidward's) And I'll go down in history, someday. And there will be a wing with my name on it in all the museums of the world.
Janitor: Dude, you're teaching art at the rec' center. Calm down.
Squidward: Uncultured trash urchin. 9 am. Time to let the class in. Well, don't want to keep them waiting any longer. (opens the door) Welcome to art class!
Fish: Oh, isn't this cooking? Sorry. (everyone leaves except one)
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! Are you taking this art class, too?
Squidward: SpongeBob? In art class? Wait! This is cooking! Come back! You gotta be kidding.
SpongeBob: (laughs) This is great! You and me in school together. (Squidward growls in frustration) So, where's the teacher?
Squidward: You're looking at him.
SpongeBob: You are the teacher? To my pupil? This isn't art class, it's Heaven.
Squidward: (Sarcastically) Yeah. Grab a little piece of Heaven and let's get on with it.
SpongeBob: (sits at a desk) I'm ready, Mr. Tentacles.
Squidward: So, you wanna be an artist, eh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, please.
Squidward: Well, art is not all fun and games. It's a lot of hard work. (He drops a load of books on his desk shaking the building) Ok. First, repeat after me: I have no talent.
SpongeBob: I have no talent.
Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
SpongeBob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.
Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles' talent will rub off on me.
SpongeBob: If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent...(Stammers in confusion) will rub his tentacles on my art. (smiles)
Squidward: (Obviously annoyed) Whatever. Ok. Since you’re telling me you have no prior training, we'll have to start from square one. Or should I say circle one (Draws a terrible circle on the chalkboard). (laughs) Am I going too fast for you SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: How's this, Squidward? (Holds up a perfect circle he drew)
Squidward: What the? How the? A perfect circle? Do it again. Show your process.
SpongeBob: Well, first I draw this head (Draws a realistic head). Then I erase some of the more detailed features (When the smoke clears up it shows the sketch of the face he drew and when erasing again it turns into a perfect circle.) And one, two, three. A circle (Squidward is glaring), uhh, thingy.
Squidward: Gimme that. (crumples paper) Forget the circles.
SpongeBob: Ooh, nice one Squidward. Let me try. (Crumples paper into an origami statue of himself and Squidward then laughs) Looky, Squidward. It's you and me playing leapfrog. That's you on the bottom.
Squidward: (Shocked) Gimme that. (rips up paper) There is nothing artistic about leapfrog. (SpongeBob starts putting the paper pieces together) What are you doing, now?!
SpongeBob: I call it: Rippy Bits. You take a bunch of old ripped of paper and make a new picture out of it. See? (It's another picture of them playing leapfrog) (Squidward glares at him again) You're on top...this...time. (blows paper)
Squidward: Do you want to learn art, or not?!!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Squidward, I'll listen.
Squidward: Alright, SpongeBob, pay close attention. Look at your marble. Visualize the sculpture within. And...gently... (hits marble with tools and it crumples into a mess)
SpongeBob: (hits marble with tools and it cracks apart leaving a marble sculpture of Michelangelo's David statue) How's this Squidward?
Squidward: (Cries) It's beautiful. (Stammers) I mean, this isn't a sculpture. A good sculpture takes...more time. You can't just sculpt Willie-Nillie. You've got to go by the book. Follow the rules. Otherwise, you'll never get past amateur hour, here. Besides, you've got the nose wrong. (Squidward puts a nose like his on the sculpture) There, now it's art.
SpongeBob: Oh, it's so obvious. I would've never thought of that. I'm sorry, Squidward. I came here to learn and I arrogantly shunned your lessons. I'll never be a great artist like you. I don't deserve your tutoring. I don't deserve your kindness. I don't even deserve to use your door. (door opens hitting SpongeBob out the window into a dumpster)
Monty: Hello there.
SpongeBob: But I did deserve that. (dumpster door closes) I deserved that, too. (garbage truck drives by, and loads the garbage and SpongeBob in its' garbage pail before driving off towards the dump) And I deserve this!
Monty: Good day, sir.
Squidward: Sorry, class dismissed. You're too late.
Monty: Oh, I beg your pardon, but I've forgotten my manners. My name is Monty P. Moneybags.
Squidward: World famous art collector?
Monty: The one and only.
Squidward: Well, what are you doing here?
Monty: I'm on a shopping spree. Buying art for my new museum.
Squidward: Your search is over. I am Bikini Bottom's greatest artiste. (Shows a geometrical sculpture of himself as an angel) I call this one: Squidward en repose.
Monty: I, uh, don't think that will fit in with the other pieces in my collection.
Squidward: Why not?
Monty: Because, it's an art collection. (laughs)
Squidward: How about this one? (Holds up a painting of him in a bubbly like form) I call it: Bold and Brash.
Monty: More like: Belongs in the Trash. (laughs)
Janitor: Sorry. I must've missed that one (Grabs painting and throws it in his trash can before walking off whistling)
Monty: Maybe I should be...huh? What is that? (Sees the sculpture)
Squidward: Wait, wait. That's not uh, uh...
Monty: Angelic form, amazing detail, perfect censorship. (Smiles) This is the work of a true genius. (Frowns in confusion) Hello? What's this?!!?? (Sees the nose Squidward added) This is the only flaw. (Smiles, rips off Squidward's added nose which falls on Squidward's forehead giving him two noses. Monty sees the human nose on the statue) Ah, that's more like it. I simply must find the artist responsible. He shall have fame.
Squidward: Fame. (Squidward imagines himself on the red carpet, cameras going off in the background)
Monty: Fortune.
Squidward: Fortune. (Squidward imagines himself in a tub full of money)
Monty: Anything his heart desires.
Squidward: Anything? (Squidward imagines himself with hair) It's me. It's me. I'm responsible.
Monty: I can see it now. Your name in the world's most prestigious museums. I'm gonna make you, immortal!! Now, uh, help me get this in the car.
Squidward: I could use a little help. (sculpture's head hits the top of the doorway, falls off, and turns into dust) My fame, my fortune, my hair.
Monty: Well, that's a bit of bad luck right there. But, this shouldn't be a problem for an artist of your magnitude. You can whip up another one.
Squidward: Yeah, no problem. You know, between you and me, this isn't my best work. Why don't you come back tomorrow and I'll have something that will really knock your socks off.
Monty: Between you and me, I'm not wearing socks. (laughs)
Squidward: Yeah, no socks. Ok, see you tomorrow. Bye. I gotta find SpongeBob!! (at the dump) SpongeBob...SpongeBob? SpongeBob! (he finds Spongebob sitting in a cereal box)
SpongeBob: Go away, Squidward. I don't deserve your kindness.
Squidward: Hey, cheer up. I have decided to give you another chance. Why, with a great teacher like me, anything is possible. (he takes the cereal box off of Spongebob)
SpongeBob: Don't look at me Squidward. Don't look at my shame. These hands weren't meant to create. They only destroy. I can't look at them. (SpongeBob's hands pop off and run into a soup can)
Squidward: Aww, c'mon SpongeBob. You've got yourself a pair of yellow dandies here. With my help, we'll turn them into tools of beauty.
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: Really!
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: Really!
SpongeBob: Really?
Squidward: Really.
SpongeBob: Wow. Really?
Squidward: Let's go.
SpongeBob: Squidward, look. It's ol' bold and brash. (He picks up the painting which was taken to the dump)
Squidward: Gimme that. (back at classroom) Ok, SpongeBob. Just do what you did before.
SpongeBob: I...can't!
Squidward: Ah, ah. Wait, wait. Let me help. Let's start with the circle again.
SpongeBob: (he draws a bad circle) I did it, Squidward.
Squidward: Huh? But, but, what about the head...and the erasing, and the, the...
SpongeBob: I don’t know, Squidward. That stuff’s not in the book.
Squidward: Uhh... (crumples paper) How about this, huh? Remember?
SpongeBob: That's not in the book, either.
Squidward: Forget about the book. (rips book) Ha! Look at all this mess SpongeBob. What do all these little pieces of paper make you want to do?
SpongeBob: Wait, I know this. Oh, wait, I think I got it. (puts the book back together) Tada! (Squidward's nose melts off his face)
Squidward: Ok, SpongeBob. Let's just move onto the marble.
SpongeBob: First, an artist must concentrate and visualize his concept.
Squidward: Now you've got it.
SpongeBob: I've gotta embrace the marble. (he hugs the marble)
Squidward: Right.
SpongeBob: I've gotta sniff the marble. (he sniffs the marble)
Squidward: Well, uh, ok.
SpongeBob: I've gotta lick the marble. (he licks the marble)
Squidward: Uhh...
SpongeBob: I've gotta wash the marble. (he is shown standing next to the marble, which is in a washing machine) I've gotta date the marble. (he is shown at a fancy restaurant with the marble) I've gotta be the marble! (he is shown with his body elongated to match the marble) I've got it. I have seen the sculpture within.
Squidward: Here you go, buddy.
SpongeBob: With this tool, I shall give birth to art.
Squidward: Oh, boy. (SpongeBob taps the marble with the tool and breaks it into pieces) (Squidward is shocked)
SpongeBob: But, one more thing. (puts a copy of Squidward's nose on it) There. Now it's art. Well, what do you think, Squidward? Just take it all in for a moment. Let it soak in. (Squidward gets irritated, screams, and throws everything in his classroom into a pile) It looks like the excitement of my artistic triumph is too much for Squidward. Oh, well, back to the dump. (he puts a cereal box on his head and runs off) To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump dump. To the dump, to the dump, To the dump, dump dump. (the room smokes up as Squidward destroys everything) (the doors open)
Monty: I'm here for the...what the? Who is responsible for this?
Squidward: As of now, it's his responsibility. (puts hat on janitor's head) Good day to you, sir. (He leaves)
(The janitor and Monty see the mess which forms a better sculpture of David)
Monty: You, sir, are the greatest artist who ever lived!
