Episode Transcript: The Smoking Peanut

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Episode Article: The Smoking Peanut

Characters

Dialogue

(The episode starts at the Bikini Bottom Zoo.)

Narrator: Ah... Bikini Bottom Zoo is having its annual free day. Free balloons...

(Mr. Krabs, disguised in a mustache, steals a whole bunch of balloons from Jimmy.)

Narrator: Free drinks...

(Mr. Krabs comes by and fills up a huge barrel.)

Narrator: Free... light bulbs?

(Mr. Krabs unscrews a light bulb from a lamp post and puts it into his pants just as the police arrive.)

Mr. Krabs: Aha! Top of the mornin’, boys! (Laughs nervously) Next stop: gift shop.

(As he runs into the gift shop, SpongeBob and Patrick walk by a lionfish exhibit and tiger shark exhibit while wearing zoo hats.)

SpongeBob: There it is... Oyster Stadium. Not only do they have the largest oyster held in captivity, it also does tricks!

(Like an announcer)

SpongeBob: He spits a giant pearl 100 feet in the air! Like a cannonball!

(SpongeBob crumples up his hat and spits it into the air and into a little fish's ice cream.)

Patrick: What are we hanging around watching a cheap imitation? Let’s get over there!

(The two run into the stadium.)

Both: This is the greatest day of our lives!

(Snoring and gurgling...)

Patrick: This is the greatest day of our lives? Boring!

SpongeBob: You’re right, Patrick. We came to see (Announcer voice) pearls 100 feet in the air, (normal voice) Right? I’ll try my oyster call.

(SpongeBob makes a strange noise, but seeing no progress, gives up.)

Patrick: Well, I’m outta here. Thanks for nothin’, SpongeBob.

(Patrick walks away.)

SpongeBob: Come on, come on, wake up already! (He pulls out his bag of sea peanuts. He checks to see if there's anyone around and then throws one at the oyster. The oyster stirs.) I think it’s working!

(Clamu moaning anxiously...)

SpongeBob: Hey Patrick, it’s waking up!

Patrick: Oh boy, did I miss it?

SpongeBob: No, the show’s about to begin!

(Clamu Wailing)

Zoo Worker #1: What’s wrong with Clamu?

Joe: Easy girl, it’s me, Joe! Remember?

(Oyster growling)

Patrick: Now this is a show!

(Outside...)

P. A. System: Attention zoo patrons! Clamu the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. (captions version Man: (on P. A.) Attention zoo patrons, Clamu the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run in circles. (all scream) Thanks for coming.) Thanks for coming.

(rampaging angrily)

Zoo Worker #1: You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There’s nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster!

(The worker points menacingly at SpongeBob.)

Zoo Worker #1: You didn’t do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?

SpongeBob: Uh…

Patrick: No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob?

(SpongeBob hides the peanut bag.)

SpongeBob: Right.

(Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo.)

Patrick: Man, if I see the guy who upset Clamu, I’ve got a few choice words for him, like “you”… and “are”… and… “a jerk!”

(SpongeBob and Patrick have now gotten to Conch Street, where their houses are.)

Patrick: Are you sure you didn’t see anything suspicious?

SpongeBob: I already said I didn’t, Patrick! Sheesh!

(Walks up his cobblestone path into his pineapple.)

Patrick: Hey, let’s investigate this crime and catch the lowlife who’s responsible!

SpongeBob: Give it a rest, Patrick! There’s no crime to investigate! Now go home! (Inside the pineapple.) Stupid Patrick, I didn’t do anything wrong. Ah, what am I getting so worked up about? I’m sure that by tomorrow, this whole ugly mess will be a funny memory!

(He chuckles and turns on the TV.)

Johnny: Our top story tonight: giant oyster has its feelings hurt! The only clue that could be found was this lone peanut! And as you can hear, the oyster continues to omit its horrible cry. A cry too much powerful, it can be heard around the world! (We see live action footage of people running around screaming and holding their ears in Africa, Holland, and India. Then, we are shown the stadium again.) A cry that not only breaks the sound barrier, it breaks the hearts of our citizens!

(We then see guilty SpongeBob onlooking in horror.)

Johnny: What kind of cruel, careless, evil person would deliberately upset one of Neptune’s most gentle creatures?

(Hans uses a tissue to wipe a tear off the fish head’s face. The TV turns off.)

Gary: Meow?

SpongeBob: AHHH!!! No Gary, how would I know anything about the oyster?

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Defensive? I’m not being defensive! Barnacles! What is this, 20 questions or something? (He peers out the window at Oyster Stadium, where we hear Clamu’s burps.) This is getting a little out of hand. All I did was throw a peanut. I didn’t mean to make the oyster cry. I just wanted to see it perform spectacular stunts! Aw, everyone’s going to hate me! I, I need some advice! Now let’s see now, who could never hate me no matter what I do? (Cut to SpongeBob knocking on Squidward's door.) Squidward? Squidward! Oh, Squidward!

Squidward: SpongeBob! Do you have to knock so loudly?

SpongeBob: Sorry, neighbor.

Squidward: Oh… that overgrown clam is giving me a headache! I can’t even take my afternoon beauty nap!

SpongeBob: Funny thing you should mention that old oyster, because I… uh… was kind of wondering, um… Let’s say I know this guy who may have something to do with the oyster.

Squidward: You know the guy who did it!?!

SpongeBob: Gulp!

Squidward: Oh this is great! You and I can go turn him in! And then I’ll get so much sleep, I’ll be gorgeous!

SpongeBob: Um, actually, I-I’m just talking hypothetically.

Squidward: You mean you don’t know who did it?

SpongeBob: Well, um... I... uh... no.

(Squidwars slams his door)

SpongeBob: Squidward?

(On his way home, he encounters Patrick in a Sherlock Holmes outfit.)

Patrick: Gotcha!

(SpongeBob screams and jumps out of his pants.)

Patrick: Where were you on the day of today? Don’t play games with me, mister!

SpongeBob: Hey Patrick, what are you doing?

Patrick: Oh, hi, SpongeBob. I’m just continuing my investigation of the great Clamu Caper!

SpongeBob: Um, have you found out anything?

Patrick: Yes! No wait, uh… no. (Holds up sand.) But this grain of sand looks pretty suspicious, and so does this rock! And I’ve got a few questions for this little piece of grass! Don’t worry, SpongeBob! Patrick’s on the case! The truth will be revealed!

(SpongeBob runs away.)

SpongeBob: I better go see Sandy! She’ll know what to do!

(We see Sandy and SpongeBob in the treedome, and we can hear Clamu burping.)

Sandy: Oh, I can’t stand it anymore! That poor, poor critter! What kind of inconsiderate person would upset such a gentle creature?

SpongeBob: Uh, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk about, Sandy.

Sandy: Why, when I find out who caused that oyster so much pain, no more jiggery-pokery!

(Holds up the Bikini Bottom Phone Book and rips it in half in front of SpongeBob.)

Sandy: Now, what was it you wanted to talk about, SpongeBob?

(SpongeBob tries to speak, but cannot.)

Sandy: Hey SpongeBob, how come you’re all twitchy like that?

SpongeBob: Twitchy? Twitchy? Who’s twitchy? I'm not twitchy! Sorry Sandy, I have to, um… um… go get my hair cut!
(He runs home.)

Sandy: SpongeBob doesn’t have hair… or does he?

(SpongeBob runs down the block panting. He runs to the house and tries to open the door. Patrick approaches him to talk.)

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob!

(SpongeBob is startled and he falls apart. His limbs and facial features all reattach in different places.)

Patrick: This is it! All the clues are coming together. I followed these footprints right to this exact spot and then, right where you’re standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! Oh, I’m so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it. (Zoom in on Patrick’s mouth next to SpongeBob’s head, which he licks. Well, he’s actually licking a yellow ice cream pop that has ridges and green spots.) Boy, crime fighting sure makes me hungry, and this yellow popsicle hits the spot!

SpongeBob: OK, good luck with all that Patrick, and, um, I guess I’ll see you later!

(He shuts the door, and inside...)

Fish: Open up! This is the police! (subtitles version Man: Open up, this is the police.)

(SpongeBob’s eyes pop out of his head.)

SpongeBob: Uh, I- just a second!

Policefish #1: Are you SpongeBob SquarePants?

SpongeBob: Y-y-yes.

Policefish #1: Put those eyeballs back in your head, son! We’ve got a few seconds for you.

Policefish #2: Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?

SpongeBob: Y-yes!

(Hides in his pants.)

Policefish #2: Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?

SpongeBob: Yes…

(He sinks even lower into his pants)

Policefish #2: And are you familiar with this peanut?

(Holds up a zip-locked peanut with "Exhibit A" written on it.)

SpongeBob: Yes!

(His eyes peer out over the top of his pants. The bottom of his pants rip, and his body falls through.)

Policefish #2: Just one more question… Is it true that you at the oyster’s lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?

(SpongeBob begins to cry.)

SpongeBob: Yes! Yes! It’s true! It’s all true! The merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!

Policefish #2: That’s all we need to know, son. Let’s book him!

(We see stubby, pink hands being handcuffed.)

Patrick: Wow, you guys are good. I’m the last person I would have suspected, but I was looking for me all the time! It’s the perfect crime!

Policefish #2: Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge, Pinky!

SpongeBob: Oh no! Patrick’s too sensitive for the big house!

(SpongeBob follows the police boat to the zoo.)

SpongeBob: Wait! Stop! I’m the one you want! I am the criminal!

(crowd booing and yelling...)

Sandals: Hey everybody, let’s throw peanuts at him and see how he likes it!

(crowd yelling)

Patrick: I get what I deserve! (yelling continues) Ouch.

SpongeBob: Wait! Hold your peanuts! Patrick Star is innocent! I have come here to reveal the truth! They say that truth and honesty will be rewarded with trust and forgiveness…

Patrick: Dum, dum, dum dum, de, dum...

SpongeBob: I’m here to lay my cards on the table, to trim the branches of deception from the tree of life, to shave away the unkempt sideburns from the face of truth! I…

Sandals: Ay! Just get on with it!

SpongeBob: I was the one who threw the peanut! I know now that what I have done is wrong. So I say, I am sorry, giant performing oyster. I am sorry, Patrick. I am sorry, citizens of Bikini Bottom.

Sandals: Hey! Let’s throw peanuts at both of them!

(crowd yelling)

Zoo Worker #1: Wait! Here’s the real criminal!

Mr. Krabs: Uh, top of the mornin’!...? (Fake mustache falls off)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!

Patrick: I knew it!

Zoo Worker #1: Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. Behold!

(He rips off Krabs' clothes, to the crowd's disgust.)

Zoo Worker #1: Wait a minute...

Zoo Worker #1: Behold! The oyster’s pearl! Here you go girl.

Baby Oyster: Mama! Mama!

SpongeBob: Mother of pearl! That oyster’s a mother! And that pearl’s no pearl, it’s an egg!