Episode Transcript: Grandma's Kisses

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Patty Hype	Squidville

Episode Article: Grandma's Kisses

Characters

(SpongeBob is standing on a hill looking at his grandma's house)

SpongeBob: There it is. Grandma’s house! What wonders await me today? Fresh baked cookies? Story time? A sweater with love in every stitch? Aw, what am I waiting for? (runs down the hill) Grandma, Grandma, Grandma!

Grandma: SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Hi, Grandma! (hugs her as the two walk into the kitchen)

Grandma: Come in and sit for a while. (gives SpongeBob a plate of cookies) Have a cookie, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Grandma, you make the best cookies in the deep blue sea. (grabs a cookie and dips it in some milk) Oh yeah... (eats it. His eyes turn into cookies) Grandma’s cookies.

Grandma: Now, who wants to lick the spoon? (SpongeBob raises his hand)

SpongeBob: Me, me, me! (cut to Grandma telling SpongeBob a story while he licks the spoon)

Grandma: ...and then we drove all the way home with all the windows down in the freezing cold.

SpongeBob: Tell me another story about when I was a baby. (clock strikes three. SpongeBob gasps) Three o’clock? I’m gonna be late for work!

Grandma: Hop in my car, I’ll drop you off. (cut to Grandma driving up to the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: Thanks, Grandma! (hops out of the car)

Grandma: SpongeBob, you forgot your kissy-kissy! (SpongeBob turns around and heads back to Grandma. Squidward is watching from the window)

SpongeBob: I sure did. (Grandma gives him a kiss, leaving a print on his forehead of her lips) Bye, Grandma, thanks for the ride. (Squidward opens the door for SpongeBob) Thank you, Squidward. (walks inside to some laughing from everyone) Isn’t this great? Everybody’s in a good mood today.

Squidward: I love bursting your bubble, SpongeBob, they’re laughing at you, not with you.

SpongeBob: Did I do something funny?

Squidward: Your forehead. (points to the kiss)

SpongeBob: My forehead is funny?

Fish: Hey, hey, Grandma’s boy? Kissy-kissy-kissy! (everyone laughs)

SpongeBob: No, you’re wrong! There’s nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma.

Fish: No, especially if you’re a big baby who wears diapers! (everyone laughs) And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... (soon, everyone stops laughing) ...wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blankie around, and...

Customers: Alright already!

Squidward: Cheer up, SpongeBob. I know someone who still likes you.

SpongeBob: Really? You do, Squidward?

Squidward: Yeah, your grandma! (everyone laughs. SpongeBob tries getting the kiss off with his hand and a mop but nothing seems to work. Everyone is still laughing at him)

SpongeBob: Stop it! (everyone stops) I have been publicly humiliated for the last time. (runs out crying. Cut to SpongeBob’s house)

Patrick: I’m sorry that happened to you, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Me, too.

Patrick: You’re the most adult person I know.

SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick.

Patrick: You know how grandmas are, they love babies. You just can’t act like a baby around her.

SpongeBob: You’re right, Patrick.

Patrick: Have I ever not been right? (cut to a picture of SpongeBob on a rocket, a picture of Patrick holding a pumpkin while standing over SpongeBob, and a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick in speedos) You’re a man now, SpongeBob, and it’s time you starting acting like one.

SpongeBob: Yeah! Oh, but I’m not sure I know how.

Patrick: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. (SpongeBob does so) Now say "tax exemption".

SpongeBob: Tax exemption.

Patrick: Now, you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz. (jazz music plays) Okay, SpongeBob, you’re ready. (cut to both walking up on the hill facing Grandma's house) This is it. What’re you gonna tell Grandma?

SpongeBob: I'm a grownup.

Patrick: No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

SpongeBob: A man's gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

Patrick: And then you get behind her and I’ll push.

SpongeBob: Patrick, we didn’t say that.

Patrick: Oh yeah, right.

SpongeBob: All we need now is the icing on the maturity cake. (takes out a suitcase) I’ve been growing these babies for years. (opens it to reveal sideburns. Both of them take a pair and put them on)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Sideburns. (SpongeBob knocks on Grandma’s door)

Grandma: (opens door) Oh, hello, SpongeBob. What a nice surprise. Come here and give your Granny her kissy-kissy. (as she is about to kiss him, SpongeBob puts on a helmet to block it)

SpongeBob: Sorry, grandmother, but the kissing has to stop.

Patrick: Tell her like it is, SpongeBob, no more baby stuff.

SpongeBob: He is right, Grandmother. Kisses are for babies, which I am no longer. I have grown up. It is nature’s way.

Grandma: Oh, you are absolutely right.

SpongeBob: I am? I mean, of course I am.

Grandma: You will definitely not be treated like a baby around here anymore ever again.

SpongeBob: I am glad you see it my way, mother. (puts on a hat)

Grandma: Well, I’m glad that’s settled. (holds out a tray of cookies) But what am I going to do with all these fresh baked cookies?

SpongeBob: (chuckles) Sorry, grandmother, we adults don’t partake in the consumption of sweets, right, Pat... (notices Patrick isn't there) ...rick? (cut to Patrick sitting at the kitchen table)
Patrick: Keep 'em coming, Granny. (scarfs down the cookies as SpongeBob watches from a window)

SpongeBob: So much for no more baby stuff.

Grandma: And don’t forget the cookie-eating hat! (puts a red hat on top of Patrick's head)

SpongeBob: Hey, that’s my cookie-eating hat! I mean it was when I was a baby. (knocks on the door. His Grandma opens it)

Grandma: Well, look who’s here. It’s my big old adult grandson.

SpongeBob: Grandmother, I need to have a mature conversation with Mr Patrick. (runs up to Patrick) Patrick, what’re you doing? Cookies? Warm milk? A bib? (points to it, which reads "I heart Grandma") Is that a kissy mark on your forehead? We are supposed to be adults! (bangs on the table)

Grandma: Oh, oh, no roughhousing with a full tummy. (tickles Patrick) Who’s the baby?

Patrick: I’m the baby, I’m the baby, I’m the baby! (SpongeBob clears his throat) Being grown up is boring. I love being a baby. Besides, I don’t get jazz.

SpongeBob: (chuckles) Poor Patrick. I almost feel sorry for you. (takes out a pipe and blows bubbles from it) Trapped in the awkward phase of diaper days never to know the rich rewards of being a grownup. (Grandma comes back with more cookies)

Grandma: Here’s a fresh batch of cookies.

Patrick: All right! (inhales them) Rewards, huh?

SpongeBob: Well, yeah, there’s, eh... well, let’s see, the... (a cookie rolls over to his side) We went over the jazz...

(Patrick grabs the cookie and eats it)

Patrick: Oh, Grandma, I’m full. (Grandma sets down another plate of cookies)

Grandma: More cookies! (Patrick uses his mouth like a vacuum and eats all the cookies. One cookie rolls over by SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: It appears to be my lunch hour. Grownups have to eat to. I guess this will have to do. (Grandma takes the cookie away)

Grandma: Oh, you don’t want this baby food. How about a big piece of steamed coral? (gives him some)

SpongeBob: Oh yeah, uh... great. (takes a couple bites of it) Nutritious.

Grandma: Storytime! (Patrick runs to Grandma)

Patrick: Oh boy! Storytime, storytime, storytime!

SpongeBob: Storytime? (Patrick is looking over Grandma's shoulder)

Grandma: You’ll enjoy this, Patrick. It’s a wonderful story about a magical sea leprechaun. (SpongeBob walks in) Oh, SpongeBob, you wouldn’t be interested in this baby book. (drops a giant book on the floor) Here’s the technical manual on routine active maintenance.

SpongeBob: Oh, uh... great. Yeah. (opens the book) Fascinating. No pictures, just the way I like it. (while eating a cookie, Patrick bites his finger)

Patrick: Ow, my wittle finger! (sobs)

Grandma: Hold still, hold still. (kisses his finger) All better?

Patrick: Sorta. (holds up his other finger) This finger hurts a little bit too. (Grandma kisses his other finger)

Grandma: How about I give you a present?

Patrick: Oh, boy, I hope it’s cookies! (opens up the box to find a sweater but puts it on his head) Alright, another hat.

Grandma: No, Patrick, it’s a sweater?

SpongeBob: Huh?

Grandma: With love in every stitch.

SpongeBob: No... (imagines himself in the sweater instead of Patrick. The sweater tears in half) Don’t I get a present, Grandma?

Grandma: Oh, I almost forgot. (hands him some office supplies) Here’s some office supplies. I didn’t wrap them. I knew you wouldn’t mind. (clock strikes three again) Uh-oh, three o’clock, time for adults to go to work. Bye-bye, SpongeBob.

(Patrick gets the sweater on) I’ll bet you’d fancy a nap, huh, Patrick? (Patrick yawns) You still here, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Uh, I don’t need to leave yet. I can be late for work.

Grandma: (puts a blanket over Patrick as he lays on the couch) No, no, no, that wouldn’t be the adult thing to do.

SpongeBob: Alright, I guess I’ll be going. I’ve, uh, got a lot of adult-type business to take care of, so, uh, I’ll see yah later.

Grandma: Okay, thanks for stopping by, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Yep, that is it. Here I go.

Grandma: Come again if you get the chance. (SpongeBob opens the door)

SpongeBob: Out into the cold, grown-up world alone without a sweater.

Grandma: Toodleloo.

SpongeBob: I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Grandma: I know how busy you are.

SpongeBob: So, uh... that’s it. (Patrick is sleeping)

Grandma: Shh, he’s asleep. (SpongeBob slowly closes the door)

SpongeBob: Soo long... (closes the door then opens it with sad eyes. His sideburns fall off) I don’t wanna grow up! (holds up a giant cookie and snaps it in half) I want cookies! (holds up a giant bottle) And milky! (wears a sweater) I want a sweater with love in the stitches! (runs around in a diaper putting powder in) I wanna wear diapies! (rides in a wagon) I wanna ride in my wagon! (holds his teddy bear) I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Snuffykins! (rides his rocking horse with a sailor hat on and a lollipop) I wanna rocky-rock in my seahorsey! (holds up his bruised finger) And I want kissy-kissy on my boo-boo! (cries a lot)

Grandma: Take it easy, SpongeBob. (picks up SpongeBob) SpongeBob? SpongeBob? (holds SpongeBob's lips. The house is flooded inside) You don’t have to be a baby to get ol' Grandma’s love.

SpongeBob: I don’t?

Grandma: Of course not. (pulls the plug under the water to drain it) No matter how grown-up you get, you’ll always be my little baby boo. (kisses his forehead) And remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. (hands SpongeBob his sideburns and a cookie) Here you go. (SpongeBob puts on his sideburns and eats the cookie)

SpongeBob: Thanks, Grandma. (bites the cookie) Uh, Grandma, could you not mention this to the guys down at the Krusty Krab?

Grandma: No problem. (hugs SponegBob. Outside, Squidward and friends are laughing)

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