Episode Transcript: A Friendly Game

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[SpongeBob's alarm rings, his house blows toward Squidward's house, Squidward wakes up in dread, sand hands then cover the house's ears, then SpongeBob, in brown plaid, poses for one second then runs to Patrick's house]

SpongeBob: Patrick! Tee time, Patrick! Patrick! [cuts to Squidward] Tee time, Patrick! [cuts to Patrick's house] Patrick! Wake up!

Patrick: [laughs] Ready to lose? Weather permitting, of course. [There is a rumbling sound then storm clouds move in and start rain and thunder]

SpongeBob: Aw, how are we supposed to golf in this this downpour? Our putters are getting waterlogged. [twist putter]

Patrick: Dumb rain! Doesn't anybody know I'm the sheriff in these parts? [points to sky with putter] Hey, rain! You better stop that! [Patrick gets shocked by lightning then screams. Cuts to Squidward grumbling & covers head with blanket]

Squidward: [opens window] If you two don't mind, could you keep it down to a low rumble?

SpongeBob and Patrick: Sorry, Squidward.

SpongeBob: I guess we were just too upset about the rain and how...

Squidward: Don't care. [closes window, cuts to SpongeBob's house]

SpongeBob: [sighs] I was really looking forward to a day of sportsmanship and male bonding. Thanks a lot, rain! [slams fist onto table and makes golf ball ricochet off of door then Gary into Gary's food bowl] Hey, [raises finger] that gives me an idea. [card comes up saying: BRIEF CONSTRUCTION MONTAGE]

Man with a French accent: What follows is a brief construction montage. [shows SpongeBob and Patrick hammering on boards, ripping a sofa, pouring sand, drilling holes, filling holes with water, making holes, and taking Gary's shell off. cuts back to card]

Man with French accent: We hope you enjoyed this brief construction montage. [cuts to outside of house, with sounds and SpongeBob's house shaking. Cuts to inside of Squidward's house]

Squidward: [grumbles then gets so angry his sleep mask burns off, puts three pillows on a desk, ties them to his face with a rope, still hears them, then rips pillows off and screams. He walks to SpongeBob's house with umbrella, cuts to inside, where SpongeBob and Patrick are constructing] Hey! Hello?! Nitwit, morons.[Patrick hits Squidward with a hammer, Squidward screams]

SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Squidward. Up from your slumber, I see. Well, you're just in time to endure in a friendly game of [shows course] indoor miniature golf!

Squidward: I will not indulge in anything friendly or otherwise with the likes of you two! Presently, I am heading to enjoy a well-deserved morning nap!

Patrick: But we sculpted your likeness out of butter on hole five. [cuts to sculpture]

Squidward: I don't care! Listen up, I will not be woken from my nap again, and if I am, I'm gonna...

Patrick: Join us on the back nine?

Squidward: Just don't let it happen again! Or else. [leaves]

SpongeBob: Let's get this game teed off. [balls come out of his head, he catches them, places a ball and tee on grass] You're up first, my good man. [Patrick stretches, yawns, stomps, ululates]

Squidward: I am warning you two, keep it down!

SpongeBob: Better tone down the calisthenics, Patrick. Don't want to upset Squidward.

Patrick: Can't wait to lose, huh? [aims, pulls back, and shoots. Ball ricochets back to tee] NO! Ooh. If you would just let me finish my stretches, I wouldn't have missed my first shot!

SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry, Patrick, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. [places ball on tee] Besides, we're just playin' for fun, right? And back, and- [makes it]

Patrick: Nice shot. [moves ball]

SpongeBob: What are you doing?

Patrick: Moving my ball.

SpongeBob: Patrick, you have to play it where it lands.

Patrick: Fine. Have it your way. [moves ball back to original place, shoots, makes it] Ready to give up? [cuts to a hole]

Patrick: Ha! Let's see how you do against the windmill. You haven't got a chance.

SpongeBob: You know, Patrick, this is just a game.

Patrick: Oh, it is just a game, which I am gonna win.

SpongeBob: I think you're missing the point. [aims, practice shots]

Patrick: Speaking of m-m-MISSING! [SpongeBob shoots by accident, startled by Patrick] Ha! Gotta play it where it lands. Watch and learn, SquarePants. Watch and learn. [shoots and makes it] YES! See if you can top that!

SpongeBob: [uneasily] Okay.

Patrick: [with microphone and headphones] SpongeBob readies the approach shot. He's gotta be very careful he doesn't hook the shot here, because this would certainly be an inopportune time for a bogey. [SpongeBob swings but stops] A pressure-packed shot to be sure. [leaves] [SpongeBob sweats and wipes his forehead, shoots, ball stops right before it's about to go in]

Bikini Bottomites: Aw. [all whisper] [cuts to hole]

Patrick: Looks like we're tied, three shots to three.

SpongeBob: Shots. [chuckles] They're called strokes in golf, Patrick. Not shots.

Patrick: Whatever. [shoots and makes it] AND HE SINKS ANOTHER HOLE IN ONE! That's two in a row!

SpongeBob: All right. You wanna play competitive, eh? Observe. [shoots and makes it] Right between the old wickets. Come on bally, don't fail me now.

Patrick: Watch out for the water hazard.

SpongeBob: Patrick, the only hazard I can see is you standing in my shot.

Patrick: I have no idea what you're talking about.

SpongeBob: Fine. Be that way. I'll just go around you. [shoots ball an ball ricochets off of a picture, through a sculpture and out the window] Oops.

Patrick: Show-off. I can do that. [shoots, SpongeBob ducks and goes out the window]

SpongeBob: Oh, where did our balls go?

Patrick: Well, how do I know? I was just copying you.

SpongeBob: [shows side of Squidward's house and broken window] Uh-oh. Oh well, I guess that's game point.

Patrick: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, hold on there, fella. It's not over yet.

SpongeBob: But remember what Squidward said? We can't make any noise!

Patrick: Who said anything about noise? We're just gonna get outta the rough and back to the course!

SpongeBob: Hey! Patrick. Patrick! What's the big idea? I thought we were in here to play golf, remember?

Patrick: Okay, okay!

SpongeBob: Now where is that darn ball?

Patrick: Oh!

SpongeBob: Patrick, have you seen by ball?

Patrick: Was it a red one?

SpongeBob: M-hmm.

Patrick: It might have been in the kelp salad.

SpongeBob: Patrick, you ate my ball?

Patrick: Don't worry, I'll get it.

SpongeBob: Patrick, no.

Patrick: No?

SpongeBob: I have to play the ball where it lies. [goes inside Patrick and opens his mouth] You'll need to leave this open. [goes back inside] Now, let's see, if I was a golf ball, where would I-oh! Next to the gallbladder, of course. Fore! [the ball goes through wall and hits lamp] Where's your ball?

Patrick: I don't know. Got to be around here somewhere. [ball is seen in Patrick's bum hole on outside of his pants]

SpongeBob: There it is!

Patrick: Uh-oh.

SpongeBob: Play it where it lies.

Patrick: [angrily grumbling. Cuts to him shooting it and ricocheting off a cabinet to a overhead desk lamp, picture, and through a wall] Hole in one! Top that!

SpongeBob: I could do that blindfolded. [Patrick hands him a blindfold] [cuts to blind SpongeBob. He hits a door. Feels around to identify it and slams the door]

Patrick: Wait up! Warmer. Warmer. Red hot!

SpongeBob: [slams a door] Aha!

Patrick: Warmer. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer. Hot. Hotter. Red hot! Red hot! [SpongeBob splits a table] Wait, My mistake. You're right. Oh, Warmer. Warmer. Hot. Hot. Red hot. Red hot! SpongeBob, red hot! [Kills a plant] Wrong again.

SpongeBob: Patrick... [peeks out]

Patrick: Stop peeking! Hotter. [wrecks Squidward's house along the way] Hotter! Hot! Hot! Cold. Hot. Cold. Hot! Cold.

SpongeBob: Patrick! This is ridic- [sees Squidward's wrecked house] -ulous. Wow. Squidward's really let this place go. Patrick...!

SpongeBob: ...what are you doing?

Patrick: I was just freshening up. But these fancy fixtures are touchy. [steam builds up around Patrick] Hot! Red hot! Ah! Cold! Cold! Cold!

SpongeBob: Would you please get back in the game?

Patrick: But I wanted to try his loofah.

SpongeBob: Those balls have got to be around here somewhere. Oh, Patrick.

Patrick: Uhh, look a little closer, buddy.

SpongeBob: [uneasily] Play it where it lies?

Patrick: Play it where it lies.

SpongeBob: But how are we gonna hit our balls back to my house from here?

Patrick: All it takes is a little finesse, SpongeBob. All it takes is a little finesse.

SpongeBob: Okay, you're good to go.

Patrick: Fore! [wrecks top front of house] It's all yours.

SpongeBob: This one's for all the marbles.

Patrick: But I thought we weren't betting.

SpongeBob: No, I mean whoever wins this hole wins the game. [Squidward wakes up and takes off his blindfold to see SpongeBob and Patrick talking]

Squidward: [muffled] What's going on here? [screams] [SpongeBob and Patrick shoot, landing Gary's food bowl, spilling on him]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Hole in one! [Squidward sits up]

SpongeBob: Good morning.

Patrick: Sorry we woke you.

Squidward: [muffled and stammering] Wha-What? [his mouth is shown, with no dentures]

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, what happened to your dentures? [cuts to Gary, with dentures in his bowl]

Patrick: Good game, pal.

SpongeBob: Rematch next Saturday?

Patrick: Rain or shine, SpongeBob. Rain or shine. [stops raining, focusing on Squidward's house, which collapses]

Squidward: [muffled] SpongeBob?!