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Episode Transcript: Bumper to Bumper
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Episode Article: Bumper to Bumper
[edit] Characters
[edit] Dialogue
(episode begins at Mrs. Puff's Boating School)
Billy: Once around the roundabout. (clears the roundabout) Left at the wall. (clears the brick wall) Over the Bump of Truth. (clears the bump) And finally, the flaming hoop! (clears the hoop, then crosses the finish line) Thank you, Mrs. Puff, I am now a car daring figure and a producting member of society. (exaggeratingly cheers) WOO-HOO! YEAH!
Mrs. Puff: (proudly) Oh, nothing brings me more joy than teaching. I can't wait to pass my next student.
SpongeBob: (enters boat excitingly) Hello, Mrs. Puff. I'm all set for my driving test. )Mrs. Puff shatters to pieces on the car floor) Mrs. Puff, you OK?
Mrs. Puff: Just start driving. (SpongeBob accidentally floors it in reverse) Turn this boat around immediately!
SpongeBob: Right away, ma-am. (SpongeBob turns the wheel but goes around in circles knocking out all the traffic cones) Don't worry, Mrs. Puff. I have this under control... (pulls off the wheel crashing into the lighthouse and the wall, tying the bump in knots [literally!], and crashing through the ramp and the flaming hoop. Camera pans to a house. Inside, two teenage fish are watching a film entitled Goin' Bananas 3: In 3D on the television)
Announcer: Next up, Goin' Bananas 3: In 3D.
Teenage Fish #1: (to Teenage Fish #2) Hey, dude, pass the 3-D glasses. This is supposed to be, like, in 3-D.
Teenage Fish #2: Oh, yeah, right! (gives a pair of 3-D glasses to Teenage Fish #1. Both teenage fish put on their pairs of 3-D glasses. On the TV, a drunk driver appears)
Drunk Driver: Here I am! I'm coming at ya like your worst nightmare!! (laughs. SpongeBob crashes through the wall of the house)
Both Teenage Fish: Wow!
Mrs. Puff: I think it's safe to say you have once again, failed your driving test!
SpongeBob: (teenage fish laugh) Uh, but, Mrs, Puff, I...
Mrs. Puff: No buts, SpongeBob! You failed this test over and over. I'm beginning to believe you're simply unteachable. (teenage fish laugh again) Now, get out of my sight.
SpongeBob: (cries) Aah...Eee...I-I-I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Puff! (runs off crying. Mrs. Puff is growling)
Teenage Fish #1: Dude, this is, like, the gnarliest 3-D movie ever! (Mrs. Puff enlarges. She accidentally falls over on the teenage fish, who laugh again. Bubble-wipe to Mrs. Puff' house. Mrs. Puff walks into her house and sits on her couch, exhausted)
Mrs. Puff: If only SpongeBob could pass his boating test, he'd be out of my life once and for all. Unfortunately, I keep getting reminded of the consequences if I get too angry with the little nuisance. (there is a ankle monitor locked on her leg and it is beeping with a red light flashing on it) I can't even leave town without violating my parole. (groans) Ohh! If there was only some way that I didn't have to live in fear. (eyes widen) Fear. That's the answer. SpongeBob is afraid of the driving course! So it would stand to reason that if he took the driving test somewhere else besides the driving course, he would pass! (goes outside and sees two cars drive by her house) Of course! The answer's been in front of me all along! I'll test SpongeBob on a real road and then he'll be out of my life forever! (laughs) Yeah! What could possibly go wrong? (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is extremely tired. He groans. Gary brings his bowl over to him)
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Not now, Gary. Can't you see I'm wallowing in my own filth? Ohhhhhhhh... (door knocks) Come back later-- I'm wallowing. (door knocks five times) Ehhh... (opens door. Eyes widen)
Mrs. Puff: Good morning, SpongeBob! (SpongeBob gasps and runs) SpongeBob? SpongeBob? (SpongeBob coughs. He is in the screen of the TV) SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Mrs. Puff. I am trying to stay out of your sight.
Mrs. Puff: Oh, that! Let's forget what I said. It's time to take a fresh approach.
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I... You said... Don't you remember? I'm un-- (Mrs. Puff mutes the TV. The word "MUTE" appears over SpongeBob)
Mrs. Puff: We don't have time for this, SpongeBob. We have a long day of driving ahead of us! (bubble-wipe to the desert. Mrs. Puff is driving. SpongeBob sees two clams cawing)
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, why have you taken me to this weathery moat and slightly scary landscape?
Mrs. Puff: To overcome your fears, silly! (they pass a skeleton pointing left and it falls apart)
SpongeBob: It's not working!
Mrs. Puff: Here we are!
SpongeBob: Uh, where are we?
Mrs. Puff: This old abandoded road is the perfect venue for your driving test.
SpongeBob: DR-IVING TEST?!
Mrs. Puff: That's right! You're free from all the distracting obstacles on the boating course. (stops the boat) Out here, there's nothing but the road. (gets out of the boat) Now, scooch over. (SpongeBob doesn't move) Come on. Scooch over. (lifts up the seat and wiggles it until SpongeBob is behind the wheel)
SpongeBob: (buckling his seat belt) But Mrs. Puff, what about the fact that I'm unteachable?
Mrs. Puff: Forget all about that. Out here, you can teach a hermet crab to boat.
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff, I'm still intimidated!
Mrs. Puff: Listen. If you're nervous about boating, simply repeat the words: "Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road." Got it?
SpongeBob: O-o-okay. (takes the wheel) Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road. Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road. (gulps) Uh, focus on the road, there is nothing but the road. (presses gas pedal. Covers his eyes) Focus on the road. (uncovers eyes) There is nothing but the road. Hey, look at me. I'm not crashing and stuff.
Mrs. Puff: Wonderful! Keep that up and I'll have no choice but to pass you! Just repeat your mantra.
SpongeBob: Focus on the road, the open intimidating road. (as he says this, they ride on a curved road)
Mrs. Puff: Boating within the lines. (checks said rule off her list) Well done.
SpongeBob: Focus on the road. (activates turn signal. Boat turns left) There is nothing but the road.
Mrs. Puff: Finally using your turn signal, woo-hoo! (checks off "uses turn signal") Check.
SpongeBob: Focus on the road. (drives the boat on a circular road) There is nothing but the road.
Mrs. Puff: Roundabout navigation, check!
SpongeBob: Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road! (presses gas pedal slightly harder, speeding the boat up)
Mrs. Puff: Safe and steady acceleration, check! (checks off said rule)
SpongeBob: Focus on the road... (drives the boat up a mountain) There is nothing but the road. (drives the boat through snow on top of the mountain and drives down it back to the road. Mrs. Puff checks off "Vertical driving". Continues repeating the mantra several times. Drives the boat over loopy roads and even under the road as well. Makes the boat jump a gap, and even ducks under a garbage truck. A psychedelic moment of SpongeBob's driving begins: first, he drives on what looks like a mobius strip. Then he drives over a road with another SpongeBob under it. Then, he drives up a curvy road with a SpongeBob like face, which swallows the boat. The camera pans upward to a Saturn-like planet, and SpongeBob jumps out of the planet and drives along its ringlike road. The rings break and SpongeBob flies into the screen, acting like he's in a trance. The same goes with the boat driving into the screen, SpongeBob's head is at the bow. The boat drives around the inside of another SpongeBob, while at a real-life road. Finally, a skull rises. SpongeBob's mouth is in its eye sockets. Its road-tongue rolls out, and SpongeBob skates out, wearing boats as rollerskates. He jumps off, spins, and falls. Cut to Mrs. Puff in reality)
Mrs. Puff: Check...check...and...check! (pants) What is this?! (pants. Camera zooms to the only rule not checked off on Mrs. Puff's list: "Safely dock vessel") Only one more test, and it's the easiest one yet. SpongeBob, all you have to do is safely dock this vessel. (camera zooms out to reveal SpongeBob, still repeating the mantra. He is sweating and drooling, and his eyes are hypno-like)
SpongeBob: Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road. Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road. (crashes through a "road closed" sign) Focus... (snaps out) ...on the...road? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ROAD?!
Mrs. Puff: Calm down, SpongeBob. Listen: all you have to do is safely stop this vessel!
SpongeBob: Uh...focus on the road, there is nothing but the road!
Mrs. Puff: Just stop the boat!
SpongeBob: Uh, focus on the - uh-uh-uh... (gasps) THE ROAD!
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob, wait! (SpongeBob sends the boat airborne. The boat lands on a plain of rocks) SpongeBoooob! (the boat hits a large rock. It lands on a road)
SpongeBob: That was a close one Mrs. Puff. But I am back on the road and ready to focus upon it.
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob? This isn't just any road. (a truck honks 2 times) It's a 10-lane Intertidal Seaway! (the truck honks again for 2 seconds)
SpongeBob: Shu-ven-tah-dil-in-chi-huh?!
Mrs. Puff: Stay calm, SpongeBob. (SpongeBob splatters to the floor) SpongeBob? SPONGEBOB?! SPONGEBOB! Remember your mantra?
SpongeBob: Right. "Focus on the road, there is nothing but the road" (gasps and the truck honks again) I can't even see the road! (shivers)
Mrs. Puff: SPONGEBOB! Give me the wheel, SpongeBob. Oh, dear! He's completely frozen up. (rips off SpongeBob's hands and drives for him) Fiddlesticks! (the truck honks longer and the boat passes by a police station)
Police Officer: Reckless drivers. I load reckless drivers. (the police officer puts his helmet on and drives his motorcycle) Pull over, you menace! (SpongeBob screams. Mrs. Puff is still driving with SpongeBob's arms)
SpongeBob: Uh, Mrs. Puff, can I have my arms back?
Police Officer: I said, stop your vessel.
SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Officer sir, I'm applying the brakes. (drives away)
Police Officer: Uh, we got us a runner.
Mrs. Puff: Pull over, SpongeBob. And make it quick. LOOK! (SpongeBob screams) NO!! (screams as they enter, and spin in, a tunnel. The police officer follows) SpongeBob. Hit the brakes.
SpongeBob: Huh? Oh. Okay.
Mrs. Puff: Goodness gracious. There isn't a scratch on this vessel. SpongeBob? The test is history! You, you passed! Here's your license! (SpongeBob smiles and sheds a tear) And I'm free! Ha ha!
