Episode Transcript: Patnocchio

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Episode Article: Patnocchio

Characters

Dialogue

(episode begins with Karen as a "Computer Fairy" introducing the episode)

Karen: Greetings, children of Bikini Bottom. I am Karen the Computer Fairy. And I have a magic tale to tell. Once upon a time, there was a dim-witted sea star who was about to stuff his fat face. (story begins with Patrick at the Krusty Krab eating a huge pile of Krabby Patties)

Plankton: Hee, hee, hee. This idiot has such a huge pile of patties. I don't think he'll notice if one walks away.

Patrick: Aw, I need more ketchup.

Plankton: (searches for a Krabby Patty to steal) Hmm... which patty to choose? This one? Nope. Too small. This one? Nope. Been chewed. This one? Nope. The seeds are missing. Hmm... (gets crushed by Patrick) Ow! Stand up, you moron! Get me an ice pack, you idiot!

Patrick: Where are you, Voice? Where are you?

SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick?

Patrick: Oh, it's you, SpongeBob. I thought you were this crazy voice who keeps telling me what to do.

SpongeBob: Oh, that's probably your conscience.

Patrick: What are consciences? Are they bad?

SpongeBob: No. A conscience is a tiny voice inside you that tells you the difference between something that's right and something that's wrong.

Patrick: So, I should do what the voice tells me to do?

SpongeBob: Now that's a smart little star. (leaves)

Plankton: Patrick, this is your conscience speaking.

Patrick: Huh? Oh. Nice to meet you, Conscience.

Plankton: So stupid. So, stupid, the first thing you need to do is buy some more Krabby Patties on the double. Hi-yah! Hey-yo!

Patrick: That'll be the first thing I do, Conscience!

Plankton: Yes!

Patrick: Right after I run some errands.

Plankton: Huh? No! I'm calling the slots here. Now, get that Krabby Patty!

Patrick: I-I-It's just a little list! Please, Conscience?

Plankton: Alright, pea-brain. Make it quick. (bubble-wipe to Goofy Goober's)

Patrick: Number 1: High-five everyone! Huh!

Plankton: No, put me down first.

Patrick: High-five! High-five! Low-five! High-five! High-five! High-five! High-five! High-five! Number 2: Ice cream! Yeah! One double chocolate molar blowout, please.

Goofy Goober Waiter: One molar blowout, coming up!

Plankton: No! You hate ice cream. You only want Krabby Patties. Hey you! Cancel that order!

Patrick: Ow! You hate high-fives and ice cream? Are you sure you're my conscience?

Plankton: I, uh, I'm absolutely positively your conscience.

Patrick: Hey, doesn't your nose grow when you tell lies in fairy tales?

Plankton: Nope. Noses only grow when you make up the truth. See?

Patrick: Ah-ha-ha! Oh, oh, I wanna make up the truth, too! Uh, I ate a hot air balloon for breakfast. I-I-I mean, um, I did not eat a hot air balloon for breakfast. Hey! I got a big nose too! Nose fight! En garde!

Children: Uh-oh.

Goofy Goober Waiter: Hooray!

Children: Uh-oh.

Patrick and Plankton: Sorry.

Plankton: Time to let your conscience be your guide. Give me that list! Here!

Patrick: Hey, only one errand left! Gotta give Plankton a Krabby Patty.

Plankton: Oh, yeah! Yeah! (bubble-wipe to Patrick and Plankton at a street mailbox)

Patrick: I wonder why I wanted to give Plankton a patty?

Plankton: Why not Plankton? He's a sweetheart. And as your conscience, I demand you toss that patty in the mail slot!

Patrick: Oh, I love mail slot toss!

Plankton: Not so hard! Huh?

Pearl: I've been wanting to hit the beach all week.

Pearl and Her Friends: Goo Lagoon! Goo Lagoon!

Plankton: Huh? Ah-ha! Patrick, please promptly pursue Plankton's patty. Get the idea?

Patrick: Uh, uh.

Plankton: How many Planktons does it take to change a lightbulb? One.

Patrick: Huh? Now I get the idea! Whoo! Gotta follow that patty!

Plankton: Wait for me, you pink pinhead!

Fred: Ow! Hey, watch it!

Plankton: There's Blubber Mouth.

Patrick: There's Plankton's patty!

Plankton: You know what to do.

Patrick: Do I? Oh yeah! (Pearl has eaten the Krabby Patty Plankton was searching for and is sleeping)

Plankton: Oh, well. No patty for Plankton.

Patrick: Huh! I'm going in! Hi-yah! (goes into Pearl's mouth)

Plankton: Ugh. Just being near a whale's mouth gives me the creeps. Quiet, you fool! You'll wake up Pearl. (Patrick enters Pearl's mouth with Plankton)

Patrick: This is snug.

Plankton: Mother always said I'd end up in a whale's belly. Or prison.

Italian Fish: Hey! Who-a goes-a there?

Patrick: Who goes there?

Italian Fish: The name's-a Geppetto. Take off your hats and stay a while.

Plankton: We don't have time for a visit, old man. We're just trying to find a sandwich.

Geppetto: Sandwich? No, I haven't seen anything like that around-a here in months.

Patrick: (notices something) Hey, Geppetto, what's that behind your back?

Plankton: Is that our Krabby Patty?

Geppetto: Nope. Oh!

Plankton: A-ha! I got the patty!

Patrick: A-ha! I got the wig!

Geppetto: Son, they're-a stealing our food!

Pinocchio: Who's stealing our food, Pop? Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em!

Geppetto: Get 'em, Pinocchio! (at Goo Lagoon, Pearl is suffering from indigestion)

Pearl: Oh, no. A stomach-ache at the beach? That's no fun! I wish it would go away. (Karen the Computer Fairy appears)

Karen: Your wish is granted. Hold out your hand!

Pearl: (does so. Karen the Computer Fairy gives her a indigestion-relief product named "Gush and Flush") Wow! What is this?

Karen: For fast relief of indigestion, try Gush and Flush. And wash your pain down the drain. And my stupid husband, while you're at it.

Pearl: (tries the Gush and Flash) Ah. Thank you, Extra Strength Gush and Flush!

Geppetto: Pinocchio, we're-a free-a! Free-a!

Plankton: Huh? Don't worry about the patty, Patrick. I'll take it to Plankton myself, like a good little conscience. See ya!

Patrick's Conscience: Oh, uh, hey, Patrick.

Patrick: Eh, my conscience?

Plankton: Your wha--?

Patrick's Conscience: Yep, I'm Patrick's conscience. But I overslept.

Patrick: Well, if you're my conscience conscience, then who's that?

Patrick's Conscience: It's a bug! Step on it! (Patrick steps on Plankton, crushing him)

Karen: And they all lived happily ever after. So, until next time, this is-- (gets interrupted by Plankton)

Plankton: Karen!

Karen: The Computer Fairy hoping all your dreams come true.

Pinocchio: Let me at 'em, Pop! Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em! Let me-- Ow.

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