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Episode Transcript: Squid Defense
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Episode Article: Squid Defense
Characters
Dialogue
(episode starts with Squidward walking out of the bathroom holding a newspaper)
SpongeBob: Hiii-yah! (karate chops Squidward in the stomach) Squidward! Sorry, buddy, didn't see you. Are you okay?
Squidward: (holding leg in pain; moans) What kind of unforeseen yet completely predictable stupidity have you ruined my day with this time?
SpongeBob: Oh. I'm just practicing my karate chops. (chops with hand) I'm going to have an intense karate session with Sandy later. (takes off karate glove) Sandy says you never know what creepy creeper could be creeping creepingly around any creepy corner.
Squidward: Paranoid much?
SpongeBob: (spooked) Hi-yah! (chops Squidward in the torso again) Sorry Squidward! I thought you were one of those creepy creepers. You know Squidward, you really should know how to protect yourself. Maybe you like to join us.
Squidward: Well...no. I have more important things to do.
SpongeBob: Okey dokey Squidward! Stop on by later if you change your mind about the karate.
Squidward: (pushes SpongeBob) I won't. (walks out of the Krusty Krab. Bubble-wipe to him walking in town with groceries. Walks down a dark alley. Turns around noticing something) Uh...hello? Is somebody there? (spots a large figure in the distance) Um...hello? It's considered rude not to answer! (the figure walks closer to him. Starts to act nervous) Hah...whatta got? Cotton in your earholes? (laughs nervously as the figure gets even more closer to him) I gotta get outta here! (starts to run away then walks face-first into a low ladder. Falls on the ground and drops the groceries. Notices the figure stare at him. Gets up and runs to SpongeBob's house) SPONGEBOB! (starts banging on his door as the camera cuts to SpongeBob and Gary)
SpongeBob: (watching television with Gary and they both are laughing) Oh wait, I don't get it.
Squidward: SpongeBob! SpongeBob! Open up! (the door opens and he falls on his face)
SpongeBob: Squidward?
Squidward: Hurry, SpongeBob! (pushes SpongeBob inside and closes the door)
SpongeBob: Squidward? What's wrong?
Squidward: You were rrrright!
SpongeBob: I was? About what?
Squidward: About the danger that lurks around every corner! (screams as a shadow roars at him)
SpongeBob: Um, Squidward? (Gary is shown) It's just Gary.
Gary: (looking at the TV) Meow meow meow meow meow!
SpongeBob: Hey I should've named you "Scary" eh buddy?
Gary: (laughs) Meow merow merow merow! (crawls away)
Squidward: SpongeBob, this is serious! I was just viciously attacked!
SpongeBob: (gasps) No!
Squidward: You gotta teach me SpongeBob! Teach me the way! The way of tarate.
SpongeBob: Eh, don't you mean "karate?"
Squidward: Um...sure. Whatever. (bubble-wipe to Squidward and SpongeBob who is in his karate gear)
SpongeBob: (walking around Squidward) Hmm...hmm! Hmm...yes! You show potential young student! (grabs Squidward's arm) But with an rubbery arm and the doughiness in this area, (pokes Squidward's belly) you obviously have our work cut out for us.
Squidward: Can't we just get on with this SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: See see ba ba!
Squidward: Sigh...I mean can't get just get on with this "O' Great Sensei?"
SpongeBob: Play close attention and you will receive the totality of my karate mastery! Handed down from Sensei Cheeks herself. Now watch! Watch and learn. (walks over to a piece of wood and karate chops it. The force breaks him in half)
Squidward: Uh huh. What else you got?
SpongeBob: That's it.
Squidward: That's it!? THAT'S the "totality" of your karate mastery?
SpongeBob Half 1: Well, Squidward. I've only been studing a couple of years. But if total karate knowledge is what you seek...
SpongeBob Half 2: ...then you should visit Sensei Cheeks!
SpongeBob Half 1: Hey! I was just going to say that!
SpongeBob Half 2: I know! (they both laugh)
Squidward: Oh boy... (karate chop-wipe to Sandy's Treedome)
Sandy: I don't know SpongeBob. (grabs Squidward's arm) With the rubbery arms and doughiness in this area, (pokes Squidward's belly) we obviously--
Squidward: Alright, already! We've been through this! Are you going to teach me how to get revenge on my attacker or what!?
Sandy: Whoa, oh, oh! Karate ain't for revenge. It's a delicate art that helps you protect yourself!
Squidward: Yeah, fine.
Sandy: Great! Now repeat after me: HI-YAH! (karate chops)
SpongeBob: HI-YAH! (also karate chops)
Squidward: Oh...whatever. Hi-yah...
Sandy: "I promise not to use karate only for protection and not for revenge."
Squidward: "I promise not to use karate only for protection and not for revenge." Or whatever... (karate chop-wipe to SpongeBob, Sandy, and Squidward near a wooden board)
Sandy: Okay then! Let's get started with a little choppin'! Like so. HI-YAH! (karate chops the board in half and SpongeBob as well)
SpongeBob: Whoa!
Squidward: A board? I wasn't attacked by a piece of wood! I was assaulted by a deranged lunatic!
Sandy: The only way to protect yourself is if you know the basics. Now give it a chop!
Squidward: (sighs) Whatever you say, Sensei...
SpongeBob: This is a tough one, Squidward. Don't feel bad if you can't do it.
Squidward: I'm sure I can break one, little twig! Hiiii-YAH! (karate chops the board but it doesn't break. The force makes him shake and moves back on the Treedome wall and he breaks apart on the ground. Karate chop-wipe to Sandy)
Sandy: Arms up, Squidward! Block! BLOCK! (Squidward gets hit by acorns thrown by SpongeBob) Block! BLOCK!
Squidward: Argh! This is stupid! The only thing this manic threw at me were his big, meaty fists! (raises his hands up but SpongeBob continues to throw acorns at him. Then he throws a acorn at SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: (blocks the acorn with his elbow) BLOCK!
Sandy: Now that's how you do it!
Squidward: Dimwits luck! (gets hit by another acorn. Karate chop-wipe to the three of them near a sandbag)
SpongeBob: Come on, Squiddy! Give it the ol' roundhouse!
Squidward: Alright... (moves backwards) HI-YAH! (kicks the sandbag but gets stuck to it and starts to get smacked over and over. Gets thrown in front of Sandy) This isn't working! (walks back toward the sandbag) My assailant was twice as tall! And shoulders were twenty times as broad! The burrows of his brow with the size as biceps!
Sandy: Hmm...we've gotta make this more personal for you, Squidward. So to help you bring out your inner dragon! SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: (jumps in wearing a ski mask) Hey! Grocery boy! It is me! A big, scary miscreant! Now hand over that sack of groceries before things get ugly!
Squidward: Groceries? You'll have to pull my groceries from my cold, wet tentacles, bucko! Take this! Hi-yah! (tries to karate chop SpongeBob but his arm gets stuck to his helmet) Huh? Think that's going to stop me!? You're not getting me without a fight! HI-YAH! (tries to kick SpongeBob but his feet retract and get stuck to his helmet as well. Starts moving around on the ground getting more and more tangled) Got you...right where...I want you! (moves around again becoming fully tangled) Vengeance...is...mine!
Sandy: Vengeance? Squidward Tentacles, I told ya at the beginning that karate ain't for revenge! Sorry, Squidward. As of now, I ain't your sensei no more! (walks off)
Squidward: Sandy! Wait! (tries to move) I need you to teach... (sighs) This is pointless. I'll never be able to protect myself. I may as well start handing my groceries to criminals. Here! Please, Mr. Criminal! Take my unprocessed kelp feed!
SpongeBob: Sandy! Wait! Please! Help him! He just wants to keep his organic, blue algie safe.
Sandy: He's going to use my teachings for revenge, SpongeBob.
Squidward: Please, Sandy! I'll do anything!
Sandy: Oh, really? Well, Squidward, a wise sensei once told me: (takes out a mop) "One must first know the movements of everyday, to master ka-rah-tay!" (karate chop transition to a short montage with Squidward first mopping in Sandy's house. He then tries to turn on a vacuum but doesn't turn on. He kicks it and it finally turns on and starts to clean up making the place spotless)
Squidward: Phew! All finished!
Sandy: Wow! It looks great!
SpongeBob: (to Squidward) Psst! You missed a spot! (Squidward growls. Karate chop-wipe to him with water hoses tied to him spraying the grass)
Sandy: Alright! I reckon that yard is good and watered!
SpongeBob: Psst! You missed a spot! (Squidward mumbles angrily. Karate chop-wipe to him shoveling the ground)
Squidward: Phew! (grabs a bucket of acorns and pours them into the hole he dug up)
Sandy: Atta boy Squiddy! (on a beach chair next to SpongeBob) Be sure to twist that torso!
SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy? (stretches) I don't remember this being a part of my training.
Sandy: It wasn't! But today is chore day! So I'd figured why not fry two fish in one skillet! (she and SpongeBob laugh)
Squidward: That's it! I am outta here! This is a no good waste of my time! (rams his foot onto the bucket of acorns and they start to fly toward him. Blocks them all away) Hey! I'm doing it! I'm blocking the acorns!
Sandy: Yee-haw! I told y'all had to do is know the movements of everyday to master karate!
Squidward: Hah hah! I can't believe I did it!
SpongeBob: (holding a wooden board) YEAH YEAH! Now try this!
Squidward: Okay! Okay! Hee-YAH! (chops the wooden board and SpongeBob in half. Laughs) Oh, I did it! (starts running, then jumps) Hee-YAH!!! (kicks the Slug Buddy punching bag, destroying it) I can protect my groceries now! Hee-YAH!!! (kicks SpongeBob toward the glass wall and breaks him apart. SpongeBob holds a thumbs up) I am a karate master! WOO HOO HOO!
Sandy: Well, I wouldn't go that far. But you have proven yourself worthy of... (takes out a belt) ...the Belt of Basic Competence!
Squidward: Yeah yeah, that's great, thanks. But I have some business to attend to! (walks off. Karate chop-wipe to him walking down a dark alley) Heh heh heh... What's this? Do I find myself on this dark and scary street, yet again? We'll just see what happens! (walks down further into the alley) This time!
Man: Hey! You! (starts walking toward Squidward)
Squidward: Let me give him a taste! A mere morcial of what's in store! (karate chops) Hee-YAH! (kicks) HEE-YAH! (flips) Hi-yah! That one was called "Washing Sandy's Windows!" (the man walks closer) Stay back or you're gonna get it! I am warning you! (the man continues to walk closer breathing heavily) OK buddy, I warned ya! (near a trash can) I like to call this one "Taking Out Sandy's Trash!" Hee-YAH! (kicks the trash can toward the man)
Man: What? (gets hit on the head by the trash can) OW!
Squidward: Hah! Hah! How do you like them apples? YAH! (punches a crate at the man)
Man: Ow! OW!
Squidward: (holding two wooden planks) Hah! Feel my wrath! (throws them) How's your uncle?!
Man: (gets hit on the head by one of the planks) Ow! (the other hits him on the stomach) Ow!
Squidward: My finishing move! I give you Watering Sandy's Lawn! Hee-YAH! (spin kicks a dumpster at the man. Pushes it off of him)
Man: Oh...hey, man! Wha-wha-what was that for? (holding Squidward's groceries) I was trying to give you back your groceries you dropped!
Squidward: (takes the groceries) Uh, oh.
SpongeBob: Sandy! I found him! He's over here! (holding the belt) You forgot your belt silly! (looks at the man and gasps)
Sandy: Gosh! What happened to you?
SpongeBob: This guy's been.... ka-rah-tayed!
Sandy: After all I'd said about never using karate for revenge.
SpongeBob: For shame, Squidward. For shame.
Sandy: Looks like he's not worthy of this belt after all. (takes the belt) Thanks for dishonoring our trust in you, Squidward. (walks off with SpongeBob)
Squidward: Whatever! I'm still a karate master!
Officer John: Wow, really? You are? (walks Squidward to the police car)
Squidward: Yes, I am!
Officer John: Hey watch your head. (Squidward gets into the police car. Gets in as well) Oh, I never guess it.
Squidward: And what does that suppose to mean?
Officer John: Oh, uh nothing. Just with the rubbery arms and the doughiness in the mid-section...
Squidward: OK already! I get it! (notices the hand cuffs on him) What? Wait a second! Am I under arrest?
- Officer John: You sure are! And you have the right to remain silent! (Squidward screams loudly) Or not silent... (drives off)
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