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Episode Transcript: Tentacle-Vision
Characters
(Squidward sits on his couch watching tv)
Squidward: All of the most intellegent programming starts before 5 AM. (clicks remote)
News announcer: Our programming will begin shortly.
Squidward: No no no! Take your time. Its worth the wait.
News announcer: Bikini Bottom Pulic access presents...(Squidward claps his hands) Fab and Fancy Your souls for the latest exotic pets... collectible jewel-encrusted mittens... (doorbell rings) And classical doorbells joys...
Squidward: How suffisticating... (drinks coffee)
News announcer: Has been canceled. (Squidward spits out steam)
Squidward: Oh yeah...I haven't made the coffee yet. Why in the world would they cancel Fab and Fancy? What could possibly be more enriching? (Guitar music screeches. Squidward spits out coffee) What the!!? (a man plays a guitar on TV and a title card comes up saying "The Guitar Lord)
Zeus: Hey...I'm Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don't have a guitar yet. If I had, I want a killer one (pulls out a paper) Like this... (shows a red guitar)
Squidward: (angered) Heh! Obviously he doesn't know the first thing about music! This is an outrage!
Zeus: (shows his phone number) So here is my number if you want to talk about... (phone rings) Hello?
Squidward: Where is my Fab and Fancy!!?
Zeus: Your...what?
Squidward: I bet you wouldn't know the first thing about culture if it hit you on a guitar!!
Zeus: But actually... I don't have a guitar!
Squidward: Do they just give shows to just anyone!!?
Zeus: Pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.
Squidward: (surprised) Really?
Zeus: I wanted a guitar or a starting guide... but you know...whatever. I guess a TV show is okay.
Squidward: It's that easy!!? (hangs up phone and dials a number) Hello? Bikini Bottom Public Access? (excitedly) Gimme a TV show! Gimme a TV show! I want a show!! (cut to the Krusty Krab later) C'mon! In a few minutes Squiddy its your turn to bask in the lifetime! (laughs)
SpongeBob: OHHH yeah!!! Life like basket! Oh yeah! (laughs) Oh good times. Good times. (turns to Squidward) So where will lead basket take place?
Squidward: (angrily) Like I would tell you! Humph! (thinks) Although...I have waited my whole life to have enough warrior to rub it in someone's face. Everyone's face. (sees SpongeBob wink) Not that face. Okay! I'll tell you, but the last thing I would want you to do is to show up so plug your ears! (shoves Krabby Patties in SpongeBob's ears) Well I don't want to toot my own whistle, but...Oh wait! That is exactly what I mean to do! (SpongeBob just hears mumbling. Clock rings) OH!! (rushes off)
SpongeBob: Say it again Squidward? (Squidward laughs as he runs to his home)
News announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: Squidward Chat with your host Squidward Tentacles!!
Squidward: (in his home) Greetings. I am Squidward Tentacles, your host of Squidward Chat. (Gary is seen watching TV. Clicks remote) Today on Squidward Chat we will be discussing something near and dear to my heart; underappreciated artists like myself. (SpongeBob sees Squidward on TV)
SpongeBob: Squidward's on TV!!!? (rushes to Squidward's house) Squidward!!! Squidward!!! (rushes into house, but goes back out, knocks and goes inide.) Squidward! You're on TV!!! (Squidward frowns) No really Squidward!!! Come look!
Squidward: I know I am on TV!!! See the camera!!? You're on TV too! (SpongeBob smiles)
SpongeBob: TV!!!!??? (leaves happily)
Squidward: Moron! As I was saying...today on Squidward Chat we will be discussing...
Patrick: Wow! (SpongeBob enters with Patrick)
SpongeBob: So I went to tell Squidward that he was on TV, and he told me I was on TV and now you're on TV!!
Patrick: I'm on TV!!!? (rushes back to his house and turns on the TV)
Squidward: This isn't happening!!!
Patrick: I'm not on TV!! (rushes back into Squidward's house) SpongeBob! I went home and turned on my TV, but...I wasn't on the TV. Why did you lie to me SpongeBob? Why?
Squidward: (annoyingly) Patrick...Just how dumb are you!!?
Patrick: Very...
Squidward: (slaps head) If you want to be on TV...you have to be in front of the camera!
Patrick: OHHHH...I get it!!! (rushes to camera) Hi TV people!!! (shows mouth in camera) My mouth is on TV!!! (a mouth is seen on a television set)
Grandma: This is disgusting!
Patrick: (licks camera and bites it) Hey SpongeBob! You gotta try this!!! (They play with the camera)
Squidward: PATRICK!!! SPONGEBOB!!! Get off my camera!!! (takes them off camera, but Patrick falls onto Squidward. Patrick gets off of him) Would you two get out of here!!!?
Patrick: Doubt it! (Squidward slaps his head)
Squidward: If you like the camera so much...Why don't you be the cameraman!?
Patrick: Cameraman?
Squidward: That means you take all the pretty pictures!
Patrick: Okay!
SpongeBob: Oh! Oh! Give me a job too please!!!
Squidward: Fine! You can be the soundman! (Hands SpongeBob a boom)
SpongeBob: (amazed) Soundman!
Squidward: Imbiciles! (clears throat) Today we will be talking about...Why isn't the camera on me!!!? (Patrick moves it around) NO!!! I am the one talking!!! (growls. Goes in front of camera) I'M RIGHT HERE!!! Today on Squidward Chat... we will be discussing the underappreciated arts. Patrick I'm down here! (Patrick lowers camera) As I was saying...Today we'll be... (Patrick lifts the camera up and down) Today... (growls)
Patrick: Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! (Squidward growls, and rushes up and ties Patrick to the camera.)
Squidward: Now then I was going to tell you about my fabulous... (SpongeBob lowers boom into scene and places it in Squidward's mouth.) Sponge...! (Boom hits Squidward. Squidward growls)
SpongeBob: It's heavy! (Squidward grabs it and places it in SpongeBob.) Thanks! But it iches. (Cut to Mr. Krabs seeing Squidward on TV)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward has his own TV show?
Squidward: Well you are just going to have to hold it Patrick!!!! Now if there are no more interruptions... (Mr. Krabs holds a sign "Eat at the Krusty Krab" in front of camera)
Mr. Krabs: Eat at the Krusty Krab! Home to the original Krabby Patty! And remember! We change our grease monthly!
Squidward: OUT!!! (pushes Mr. Krabs out and comes back sighing in relief)
Mr. Krabs: (dances with sign) Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! We don't want just you! We want your money too! (cut to Sandy seeing the show)
Sandy: Whee doggy! I can lime-dance better than that! (goes in front of camera and dances) Yeeee-hawww!
Pearl: Daddy! I am borrowing your wallet!!! (sees TV) Lime dancing!? EWWWW!!! That is so lame! What they need is my cheer routine!!! (Pearl falls onto Squidward's desk. Cut to Plankton at the Chum Bucket)
Plankton: Oh please. I can cause more and more colladeral damage than that! Karen? Where did you put my death ray!?
Pearl: GO team go! GO team go! (Plankton laughs and cocks his death ray and fires around the house)
Patrick: (laughs) My shorts are wet!
Pearl: Fight team fight! Fight team fight! (Plankton fires at Mr. Krabs)
Plankton: OHHH... Eat at the Chum Bucket or perish!!! (laughs. Mr. Krabs kicks him away)
Mr. Krabs: The Krusty Krab! The Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!
Squidward: (sadly) NOOO! My show!!! (sniffles)
SpongeBob: (pats his back) You seem tense! (Squidward growls)
Squidward: That's it!!!! Everyone OUUUTTT!!!! What do you think this is huh? Some kind of housewarming!!!!!???
Larry the Lobster: Did somebody say housewarming!!? Hey everybody!!! It's a housewarming!! (citizens come into Squidward's house)
Squidward: Get off of me!!! This is not working!!! (a limosine pulls up and a man comes in)
Man: Actually I say the show is doing just fine. Well according to our latest ratings. (pulls out a bag of money. laughs) This is actually a lot by public access standings. Everyone is working out except for you! (points to a lady) You! (points to a child) You! (points to a man) And you! (points to Squidward)
Squidward: Me?! (Squidward is kicked out)
(cut to night)
News announcer: And now Bikini Bottom's top public access show for the past twenty weeks: Squidward's House Party with your host Zeus the Guitar Lord!!
Zeus: Hey hey hey Bikini Bottom! Are you ready to party Squidward style!? (people cheer while Squidward frowns) Thank you for making us number 1 because I was finally able to get a new guitar!! Thanks Squidward!!! (Squidward growls) LETS PARRRTY!!!!
(Zeus plays guitar and people begin making music so loud, and Plankton shoots his death ray, Mr. Krabs swings with his sign, and Sandy and Pearl dance. Squidward is shocked)
Squidward: (bangs his broom on floor) Keep it down!!!!!!!!! I'm trying to sleep ARRRRRGH!!!!
(People keep partying ending the episode.)
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