Episode Transcript: Ghoul Fools

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{{Unfinished Transcript}}
 
 
 
 
{{Transcript|Ghoul Fools|Mr. Krabs Takes a Vacation|Mermaid Man Begins}}
 
{{Transcript|Ghoul Fools|Mr. Krabs Takes a Vacation|Mermaid Man Begins}}
  
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*[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]
 
*[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]
 
*[[Patrick Star]]
 
*[[Patrick Star]]
*[[Lord Poltergeist]]
+
*[[Lord Poltergeist]] (credited as "Ghost" in this transcript)
 
*[[Eugene H. Krabs]]
 
*[[Eugene H. Krabs]]
 
*[[Squidward Tentacles]]
 
*[[Squidward Tentacles]]
 
*[[Sandy Cheeks]]
 
*[[Sandy Cheeks]]
*[[The Flying Dutchman]]
+
*[[Flying Dutchman]]
 
*[[First Mate Ghoul]]
 
*[[First Mate Ghoul]]
 
*[[Milkshake Gremlin]]
 
*[[Milkshake Gremlin]]
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(episode begins with SpongeBob and Patrick, both of whom are lying on the grass)
 
(episode begins with SpongeBob and Patrick, both of whom are lying on the grass)
  
'''SpongeBob''': Aah. Patrick, don't you love staring at clouds and thinking about what they look like?
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Aah. Patrick, don't you love staring at clouds and thinking about what they look like?
 
+
'''Patrick''': Yeah, it really calms my inner demons.
+
 
+
'''SpongeBob''': (points to a cloud in sky) Wow, look at that cloud. (the cloud, which looks like Sandy, floats by) It looks just like Sandy.
+
 
+
'''Patrick''': I'm not seeing it. Ooh, check out that cloud! (another cloud floats by) It looks just like a... um, um, um, d'oh, it's coming, uh, looks like a... a cloud.
+
 
+
'''SpongeBob''': Hmm. It does. Hey, look at that one. (a cloud that looks like Mr. Krabs trying to catch a money cloud floats by, but it disappears) It looks just like Mr. Krabs, doesn't it?
+
 
+
'''Patrick''': Sure does! Um... who's Mr. Krabs again? Oh, now that cloud looks like a flying houseboat.
+
 
+
[Shows houseboat flying over Bikini Bottom as the sky turns from day to night]
+
 
+
SpongeBob: Um, Patrick, I think that really is a flying houseboat.
+
 
+
[SpongeBob and Patrick watch houseboat fly away, then lose gas and fall near the grass]
+
 
+
SpongeBob: What is it, Patrick?
+
 
+
Patrick: It's probably just one of those fake haunted houses, you know, for babies.
+
 
+
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick, it's very scary-looking and spooky.
+
 
+
Patrick: It looks like fun, I'm going to check it out [runs to houseboat]
+
 
+
SpongeBob: Patrick, wait for me! [follows Patrick]
+
 
+
Patrick: [laughs and tries to get up to the houseboat, but can't] Hey, SpongeBob, can you give me a boost?
+
 
+
[Patrick gets up on top of SpongeBob]
+
 
+
Patrick: A little to the left. [SpongeBob moves to the left. Gets up to the boat] A little help? [SpongeBob lifts him up] Hurry up, lazy-bones!
+
 
+
[SpongeBob gets up to the boat]
+
 
+
Patrick: Wow. Look at this place! It's so cheesy! Check out this lame doorknob.
+
 
+
[SpongeBob looks at skeleton doorknob, which shrieks at him. SpongeBob laughs nervously]
+
 
+
Patrick: Let's check out inside.
+
 
+
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick.
+
 
+
Patrick: Oh, come on, don't be such a baby! [Opens door, to which SpongeBob follows him] Wow, so lame!
+
 
+
[Thunder clap is heard]
+
 
+
Patrick: [Sees plate of eyeballs and picks up one] Nice attention to detail, though. [Puts eyeball back]
+
 
+
[SpongeBob notices the eyeballs blink, to which he runs away]
+
 
+
Patrick: Huh. So not scary!
+
 
+
SpongeBob: [Looks at picture of flowers] Hey, this is a nice picture! [Snakes come out of the picture and go into SpongeBob, to which he screams and runs around]
+
 
+
Patrick: Did you say something, SpongeBob?
+
 
+
[Snakes go back into picture]
+
 
+
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, check this out!
+
 
+
SpongeBob: Okay, I'll be right there!
+
 
+
Patrick: Even the spiders are fake! I wish something would... pop out of a closet! Like a big, hairy hand! [Door opens and a big, hairy hand comes out and takes
+
 
+
SpongeBob to attack him] That would be scary! [SpongeBob screams from far away] But this place is too low budget for that! [Hand returns SpongeBob] Would be cool, though, wouldn't it?
+
 
+
SpongeBob: [shaking] Yeah, that'd be [gulps] neato. [hears scary music] Patrick, where is that music coming from?
+
 
+
Patrick: I think it's coming from that guy!
+
 
+
[Shows ghost playing the organ, while a thunder clap is heard]
+
 
+
Lord Poltergeist: [turns around] Who dares trespass upon me haunted houseboat? [Thunder clap is heard. Lord Poltergeist goes over to SpongeBob and Patrick]
+
 
+
Patrick: We do!
+
 
+
Lord Poltergeist: Aye. And what manner of beastie might you two be?
+
  
Patrick: [opens Lord Poltergeist's mouth] Look at the attention to detail in his mouth. It's all rotten and slimy. [Poltergeist breathes into Patrick's face, singeing it] His bad breath is incredible! His hair is very authentic, too. It's dirty. [sniffs] Eww. It reeks, and check out the workmanship on the jaw mechanism. [moves Poltergeist's jaw up and down] Remarkable-build quality! [Lets go of jaw] Obviously a puppet or a robot! Oh, we must be in one of those fancy pizza parlors, with those singing animated robots!
+
'''Patrick:''' Yeah, it really calms my inner demons.
  
Lord Poltergeist: Robots? Puppets? Pizza parlors?! [gets angry and lights on fire]
+
'''SpongeBob:''' (points to a cloud in sky) Wow, look at that cloud. (the cloud, which looks like Sandy, floats by) It looks just like Sandy.
  
Patrick: Sing us a song, robot!
+
'''Patrick:''' I'm not seeing it. Ooh, check out that cloud! (another cloud floats by) It looks just like a... um, um, um, d'oh, it's coming, uh, looks like a... a cloud.
  
Lord Poltergeist: What? Sing for ye?
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Hmm. It does. Hey, look at that one. (a cloud that looks like Mr. Krabs trying to catch a money cloud floats by, but it disappears) It looks just like Mr. Krabs, doesn't it?
  
Patrick: Oh, whoops! You're right. I almost forgot. You're coin-operated, aren't you? [Puts coin into his nose. Poltergeist coughs up coin and looks at it, gripping it tightly]
+
'''Patrick:''' Sure does! Um... who's Mr. Krabs again? Oh, now that cloud looks like a flying houseboat. (a houseboat is flying over Bikini Bottom as the sky turns from day to night)
  
Lord Poltergeist: So you want me to sing ye a shanty, eh?
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Um, Patrick, I think that really is a flying houseboat. (he and Patrick watch the houseboat fly away, then lose gas and fall near the grass) What is it, Patrick?
  
Patrick: Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
+
'''Patrick:''' It's probably just one of those fake haunted houses, you know, for babies.
  
SpongeBob: Don't put yourself out for us!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' I don't know, Patrick, it's very scary-looking and spooky.
  
Lord Poltergeist: And you do not think I'm a real ghost, do ye?
+
'''Patrick:''' It looks like fun, I'm going to check it out (runs to houseboat)
  
Patrick: Nope!
+
'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, wait for me! (follows Patrick)
  
SpongeBob: I do, Mr. dead pirate, sir!
+
'''Patrick:''' (laughs and tries to get up to the houseboat, but can't) Hey, SpongeBob, can you give me a boost? (gets up on top of SpongeBob) A little to the left. (SpongeBob moves to the left. Gets up to the boat) A little help? (SpongeBob lifts him up) Hurry up, lazy-bones! (SpongeBob gets up to the boat) Wow. Look at this place! It's so cheesy! Check out this lame doorknob. (SpongeBob looks at a skeleton doorknob, which shrieks at him. SpongeBob laughs nervously) Let's check out inside.
  
Lord Poltergeist: Oh, oh, oh, I'll sing ye a song, all right! A song so terrifying, you'll have to believe I'm a ghost! [electrocutes SpongeBob and Patrick and laughs]
+
'''SpongeBob:''' I don't know, Patrick.
  
Patrick: This show is going to be so awesome.
+
'''Patrick:''' Oh, come on, don't be such a baby! (opens door, to which SpongeBob follows him) Wow, so lame! (thunderclap is heard. Sees a plate of eyeballs and picks up one) Nice attention to detail, though. (puts eyeball back. SpongeBob notices the eyeballs blink, and he runs away) Huh. So not scary!
  
SpongeBob: [laughs nervously] Yeah, awesome [SpongeBob's hand falls off]
+
'''SpongeBob:''' (looks at a picture of flowers) Hey, this is a nice picture! (snakes come out of the picture and go into SpongeBob, to which he screams and runs around)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Hit it, fingers! [Fingers appear and start the music]
+
'''Patrick:''' Did you say something, SpongeBob? (snakes go back into picture) Hey, SpongeBob, check this out!
  
Ghosts: Yo-ho-ho, yo-hoooooooooooo!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Okay, I'll be right there!
  
Patrick: [whispers] They're good!
+
'''Patrick:''' Even the spiders are fake! I wish something would... pop out of a closet! Like a big, hairy hand! (door opens and a big, hairy hand comes out and takes SpongeBob to attack him) That would be scary! (SpongeBob screams from far away) But this place is too low budget for that! (hand returns SpongeBob) Would be cool, though, wouldn't it?
  
Ghosts: ♪Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep! Under the waves we like to creep. Creeping in coffins with spider webs as ghostly pillows beneath our heads. Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep. Under the waves we like to creep. We wear black shrouds that look quite neat, but we don't own shoes, ‘cause we have no feet. Ha-ha-ha! [Lord Poltergeist shows bones for feet and taps them together] We like to haunt and frighten and scare ‘til you jump right out of your underwear. We like to eat eyes and brains and drink our grog from rusty drains. We don't keep animals like cutesy snails!♪ [Lord Poltergeist rips Gary's shell off]
+
'''SpongeBob:''' (shaking) Yeah, that'd be... (gulps) neato. (hears scary music) Patrick, where is that music coming from?
  
SpongeBob: Gary!
+
'''Patrick:''' I think it's coming from that guy! (a ghost is playing the organ, while a thunderclap is heard)
  
Ghosts: ♪Our favorite pet's, the cat-o-nine-tails!♪
+
'''Ghost:''' (turns around) Who dares trespass upon me haunted houseboat? (thunderclap is heard. The ghost goes over to SpongeBob and Patrick)
  
Cat: Meow!
+
'''Patrick:''' We do!
  
[SpongeBob and Patrick clap]
+
'''Ghost:''' Aye. And what manner of beastie might you two be?
  
Lord Poltergeist: Do you believe we're real ghosts now?
+
'''Patrick:''' (opens the ghost's mouth) Look at the attention to detail in his mouth. It's all rotten and slimy. (the ghost breathes into Patrick's face, singeing it) His bad breath is incredible! His hair is very authentic, too. It's dirty. (sniffs) Eww. It reeks, and check out the workmanship on the jaw mechanism. (moves the ghost's jaw up and down) Remarkable-build quality! (lets go of the ghost's jaw) Obviously a puppet or a robot! Oh, we must be in one of those fancy pizza parlors, with those singing animated robots!
  
Patrick: Where's my pizza? What kind of pizza joint are you running anyhow?
+
'''Ghost:''' Robots? Puppets? Pizza parlors?! (gets angry and lights on fire)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Pizza? I'll give you a pizza! [Poofs up pizza and gives it to SpongeBob and Patrick]
+
'''Patrick:''' Sing us a song, robot!
  
Patrick: That's more like it! [Pizza opens to show anchovies on the pizza]
+
'''Ghost:''' What? Sing for ye?
  
Anchovies: Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!
+
'''Patrick:''' Oh, whoops! You're right. I almost forgot. You're coin-operated, aren't you? (puts a coin into the ghost's nose. The ghost coughs up the coin and looks at it, gripping it tightly)
  
SpongeBob and Patrick: Anchovies!? [Pizza disappears, SpongeBob and Patrick bow] You are real ghosts! You are real ghosts!
+
'''Ghost:''' So you want me to sing ye a shanty, eh?
  
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-ha-ha-ha! So ye finally believe, eh? You scurvy swabs!
+
'''Patrick:''' Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
  
SpongeBob: We do! We do!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Don't put yourself out for us!
  
Patrick: Oh, please don't kill me with your death ray eyes, Mr. Ghost Robot! [Puts SpongeBob in front of him] Take my best friend instead! He's lived a full life!
+
'''Ghost:''' And you do not think I'm a real ghost, do ye?
  
[Patrick cowers in fear as SpongeBob is surprised by his act]
+
'''Patrick:''' Nope!
  
Lord Poltergeist: [Looks at the cowering Patrick] [sarcastically] Eh, great friend you have here!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' I do, Mr. dead pirate, sir!
  
SpongeBob: Why have you come to Bikini Bottom, oh mighty dead pirate type person, sir?
+
'''Ghost:''' Oh, oh, oh, I'll sing ye a song, all right! A song so terrifying, you'll have to believe I'm a ghost! (electrocutes SpongeBob and Patrick and laughs)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, that's funny you should ask. Usually, when I come to town, it's to terrify the populous and enslave their souls in eternal torment! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Eh, but this time we just blew a head gasket.
+
'''Patrick:''' This show is going to be so awesome.
  
SpongeBob: Oh, I didn't know you ghosts had gaskets in your heads!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' (laughs nervously) Yeah, awesome (his hand falls off)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Not us, you imbecile! Our engine room broke down. [opens engine room and coughs] Hey, Charlie, you got that busted head gasket out yet?
+
'''Ghost:''' Hit it, fingers! (fingers appear and start the music)
  
Charlie: Here you go, boss! [head gasket melts] Looks like we need a new one! [Poltergeist grabs head gasket]
+
'''Ghosts:''' Yo-ho-ho, yo-hoooooooooooo!
  
Lord Poltergeist: Say, maybe you two morons... Um, fine gentlemen, could pick up a new one for us!
+
'''Patrick:''' (whispers) They're good!
  
SpongeBob: [gulps] Uh, uh, us?
+
'''Music:''' [[The Ghouls of the Briny Deep (Song)|The Ghouls of the Briny Deep]]
  
Lord Poltergeist: Yes, you! And just as a little incentive to make you return [lifts up SpongeBob and Patrick], I'll take your souls as deposit!
+
'''Ghosts:''' Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep!  
 +
Under the waves we like to creep.
 +
Creeping in coffins with spider webs as ghostly pillows beneath our heads.
 +
Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep. Under the waves we like to creep.
 +
We wear black shrouds that look quite neat, but we don't own shoes, 'cause we have no feet. Ha-ha-ha!
  
[Poltergeist grabs SpongeBob and Patrick and puts their souls into glass bottles. Poltergeist poofs up a treasure chest and picks a doubloon from it, giving to SpongeBob]
+
(the lead ghost shows bones for feet and taps them together)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Here's a shiny doubloon to buy a new gasket. Succeed and maybe you'll get another doubloon! If you aren't back in 24 hours, your souls are mine and you'll be part of my ghastly crew, um, [goes over to check calendar], let's see here, three weeks from Thursday... forever!
+
We like to haunt and frighten and scare 'til you jump right out of your underwear.
 +
We like to eat eyes and brains and drink our grog from rusty drains.  
 +
We don't keep animals like cutesy snails!
  
SpongeBob: Um, can we run screaming in horror from your ship now, Mr. ghost pirate, sir?
+
(the lead ghost rips Gary's shell off)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Oh, why certainly!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Gary!
  
SpongeBob: Patrick, after you!
+
'''Ghosts:''' Our favorite pet's, the Cat o' Nine Tails!
  
[SpongeBob and Patrick leave, screaming in horror]
+
'''Cat 'o Nine Tails:''' Meow!
  
Lord Poltergeist: Such a polite lad!
+
(SpongeBob and Patrick clap)
  
[SpongeBob and Patrick keep on running, but stop to get ice cream]
+
'''Ghost:''' Do you believe we're real ghosts now?
  
SpongeBob: One scoop, please.
+
'''Patrick:''' Where's my pizza? What kind of pizza joint are you running anyhow?
  
[SpongeBob and Patrick have ice cream, then continue running and screaming until crashing into the Krusty Krab]
+
'''Ghost:''' Pizza? I'll give you a pizza! (poofs up a pizza box and gives it to SpongeBob and Patrick)
  
SpongeBob: Ghosts, ghosts, a haunted houseboat!
+
'''Patrick:''' That's more like it! (pizza box opens to show anchovies on the pizza)
  
Patrick: [muffled with tongue stretched out] Houseboat full of ghosts!
+
'''Anchovies:''' Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!
  
[SpongeBob gets himself stuck in Patrick's tongue]
+
'''SpongeBob and Patrick:''' Anchovies?! (pizza disappears. SpongeBob and Patrick bow) You are real ghosts! You are real ghosts!
  
SpongeBob: Eww, eww, eww, eww!
+
'''Ghost:''' Ha-ha-ha-ha! So ye finally believe, eh? You scurvy swabs!
  
[Patrick's tongue gets SpongeBob and Patrick stuck]
+
'''SpongeBob:''' We do! We do!
  
Frank: Hey, those guys are insane!
+
'''Patrick:''' Oh, please don't kill me with your death ray eyes, Mr. Ghost Robot! (puts SpongeBob in front of him) Take my best friend instead! He's lived a full life! (cowers in fear as SpongeBob is surprised by his act)
  
[Customers run out of the restaurant]
+
'''Ghost:''' (looks at the cowering Patrick; sarcastically) Eh, great friend you have here!
  
Mr. Krabs: What's all the commotion out here? [gasps] Come back! [cries] SpongeBob, what in the bulging blue barnacles, are you up to?!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Why have you come to Bikini Bottom, oh mighty dead pirate type person, sir?
  
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, it was awful! We just had a spooky encounter of the ghostly kind!
+
'''Ghost:''' Eh, that's funny you should ask. Usually, when I come to town, it's to terrify the populous and enslave their souls in eternal torment! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Eh, but this time we just blew a head gasket.
  
Mr. Krabs: You had a what?
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Oh, I didn't know you ghosts had gaskets in your heads!
  
SpongeBob: We were just minding our own business and a haunted houseboat fell out of the sky!
+
'''Ghost:''' Not us, you imbecile! Our engine room broke down. (opens engine room and coughs) Hey, Charlie, you got that busted head gasket out yet?
  
Patrick: [muffled] And it was full of ghosts! The really, real kind, not fake kind!
+
'''Charlie:''' Here you go, boss! (head gasket melts) Looks like we need a new one! (ghost grabs head gasket)
  
[Mr. Krabs puts Patrick's tongue back in place, knocking him down]
+
'''Ghost:''' Say, maybe you two morons... Um, fine gentlemen, could pick up a new one for us!
  
SpongeBob: The captain of the ghost gave us this doubloon and told us to buy him a new head gasket! And then, he took our souls and he put them in bottles and he said he's going to turn us into ghosts if we don't get that head gasket! You gotta help us, Mr. Krabs! I feel so empty without my soul!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' (gulps) Uh, uh, us?
  
Mr. Krabs: Did you say doubloon? [Grabs doubloon] Let me see that! Hmm, looks somewhat authentic [sniffs doubloon] Smells real enough! [Bites doubloon, which knocks out his tooth. Goes to Frank's car and steals his head gasket]
+
'''Ghost:''' Yes, you! And just as a little incentive to make you return, (lifts up SpongeBob and Patrick) I'll take your souls as deposit! (grabs SpongeBob and Patrick and puts their souls into glass bottles. Poofs up a treasure chest and picks a doubloon from it, giving to SpongeBob) Here's a shiny doubloon to buy a new gasket. Succeed and maybe you'll get another doubloon! If you aren't back in 24 hours, your souls are mine and you'll be part of my ghastly crew, um, (goes over to check calendar) let's see here, three weeks from Thursday... forever!
  
Frank: Hey!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Um, can we run screaming in horror from your ship now, Mr. ghost pirate, sir?
  
[Mr. Krabs comes back with head gasket]
+
'''Ghost:''' Oh, why certainly!
  
Mr. Krabs: Okay, let's go see those ghost fellers! We'll catch 'em and take their gold!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, after you! (he and Patrick leave, screaming in horror)
  
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs! We don't know the first thing about ghost hunting!
+
'''Ghost:''' Such a polite lad! (SpongeBob and Patrick keep on running, but stop to get ice cream]
  
[SpongeBob and Patrick hear a disturbing noise, which is Sandy's new device]
+
'''SpongeBob:''' One scoop, please. (he and Patrick have ice cream, then continue running and screaming until crashing into the Krusty Krab) Ghosts, ghosts, a haunted houseboat!
  
Sandy: I'll catch your ghosts for ya! It'll be easy with my new fangled paranormal critter-detector-catcher gizmo!
+
'''Patrick:''' (muffled with tongue stretched out) Houseboat full of ghosts! (SpongeBob gets himself stuck in Patrick's tongue)
  
Squidward: And you just happened to bring that with you... to the Krusty Krab?
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Eww, eww, eww, eww! (Patrick's tongue gets SpongeBob and Patrick stuck)
  
Sandy: Sure, I was looking for milkshake gremlins!
+
'''Frank:''' Hey, those guys are insane! (customers run out of the restaurant)
  
[Sandy scans milkshake for gremlins]
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' What's all the commotion out here? (gasps) Come back! (cries) SpongeBob, what in the bulging blue barnacles, are you up to?!
  
Sandy: Nope, none in there!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Mr. Krabs, it was awful! We just had a spooky encounter of the ghostly kind!
  
Mr. Krabs: Great, then it's settled, let's go catch us some ghost gold!
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' You had a what?
  
Squidward: What makes you think I have any interest in your delusional adventurism?
+
'''SpongeBob:''' We were just minding our own business and a haunted houseboat fell out of the sky!
  
Mr. Krabs: Come on, Squidward! Think about what all those doubloons could do for the Krusty Krab, eh? Huh? Why, I could buy you that break room you're always whining about!
+
'''Patrick:''' (muffled) And it was full of ghosts! The really, real kind, not fake kind! (Mr. Krabs puts Patrick's tongue back in place, knocking him down)
  
[Squidward imagines, sitting near a microwave, waiting for his burrito to be done]
+
'''SpongeBob:''' The captain of the ghost gave us this doubloon and told us to buy him a new head gasket! And then, he took our souls and he put them in bottles and he said he's going to turn us into ghosts if we don't get that head gasket! You gotta help us, Mr. Krabs! I feel so empty without my soul!
  
Squidward: Okay, I'm in!
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Did you say doubloon? (grabs doubloon) Let me see that! Hmm, looks somewhat authentic. (sniffs doubloon) Smells real enough! (bites doubloon, which knocks out his tooth. Goes to Frank's car and steals his head gasket)
  
Mr. Krabs: Super! More hands means more gold. So what do ya say SpongeBob? Are ya ready!
+
'''Frank:''' Hey! (Mr. Krabs comes back with the stolen head gasket)
  
SpongeBob: I'll go, but just to get my soul back.
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Okay, let's go see those ghost fellers! We'll catch 'em and take their gold!
  
Mr. Krabs: Who needs a soul when you're filthy rich?
+
'''SpongeBob:''' But Mr. Krabs! We don't know the first thing about ghost hunting! (he and Patrick hear a disturbing noise, which is Sandy's new device)
  
[Episode skips to second part of episode, which cuts to the haunted houseboat]
+
'''Sandy:''' I'll catch your ghosts for ya! It'll be easy with my new fangled paranormal critter-detector-catcher gizmo!
  
SpongeBob: So here it is. Pretty creepy, huh?
+
'''Squidward:''' And you just happened to bring that with you... to the Krusty Krab?
  
Sandy: This place looks like it hasn't been lived in four years.
+
'''Sandy:''' Sure, I was looking for milkshake gremlins! (scans a milkshake for "gremlins") Nope, none in there!
  
Patrick: Four years? Gotta be longer than that.
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Great, then it's settled, let's go catch us some ghost gold!
  
Squidward: I don't see any signs of ghosts [walks over to painting of a man with a pitchfork and woman standing together] Nothing here but a bunch of tacky old
+
'''Squidward:''' What makes you think I have any interest in your delusional adventurism?
furniture, and boring, representational art. [Man in picture comes alive and eats woman's head] Huh?
+
  
SpongeBob: Look, Mr. Krabs! The doubloons!
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Come on, Squidward! Think about what all those doubloons could do for the Krusty Krab, eh? Huh? Why, I could buy you that break room you're always whining about! (Squidward imagines himself sitting near a microwave, waiting for his burrito to be done)
  
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Ha-ha-ha [Mr. Krabs licks the doubloons in celebration]
+
'''Squidward:''' Okay, I'm in!
  
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I wouldn't touch that if I were you! That gold probably has ghost germs all over it.
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Super! More hands means more gold. So what do ya say SpongeBob? Are ya ready!
  
Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't be silly, SpongeBob! There's no such things as germs. [grabs a sack and puts doubloons in it] Heads up, Squidward! [Krabs throws bag to Squidward, which hits him in the head] Hey, Patrick, think fast!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' I'll go, but just to get my soul back.
  
Patrick: Think? [Bag of doubloons hits Patrick]
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Who needs a soul when you're filthy rich? (fade to black. After the commercial break, the episode fades in on the haunted houseboat)
  
Mr. Krabs: All right, then. Let's get while the getting's good! Ooh! [Notices a doubloon is left behind] Looks like I missed one! Uh... it seems to be stuck... uuuuuuhhhh... [pulls out Lord Poltergeist and screams]
+
'''SpongeBob:''' So here it is. Pretty creepy, huh?
  
Lord Poltergeist: Who dares touch me gold?
+
'''Sandy:''' This place looks like it hasn't been lived in four years.
  
SpongeBob: It's just us, Mr. Ghost Captain, sir. We brought the replacement gasket you asked for. So if it's not too much trouble, do you think we could have our souls back... now... maybeee.
+
'''Patrick:''' Four years? Gotta be longer than that.
  
Lord Poltergeist: A deal's a deal and I'm a man of me word. Here you go, square one.
+
'''Squidward:''' I don't see any signs of ghosts. (walks over to painting of a man with a pitchfork and woman standing together) Nothing here but a bunch of tacky old furniture, and boring, representational art. (the man in the picture comes alive and eats the woman's head) Huh?
  
[SpongeBob fills up his body with his soul]
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Look, Mr. Krabs! The doubloons!
  
SpongeBob: Aah. That hits the spot!
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' (gasps) Ha-ha-ha! (licks the doubloons in celebration)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Think fast, pink one!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Mr. Krabs, I wouldn't touch that if I were you! That gold probably has ghost germs all over it.
  
Patrick: Again?
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Oh, don't be silly, SpongeBob! There's no such things as germs. (grabs a sack and puts doubloons in it) Heads up, Squidward! (throws a bag to Squidward, which hits him in the head) Hey, Patrick, think fast!
  
[Bottle hits Patrick in the head, it shatters]
+
'''Patrick:''' Think? (a bag of doubloons hits Patrick)
  
Patrick: My soul. [Licks it off the floor]
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' All right, then. Let's get while the getting's good! Ooh! (notices a doubloon is left behind) Looks like I missed one! Uh... it seems to be stuck... uuuuuuhhhh... (pulls out the ghost from earlier and screams)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Har-har-har. Those weren't your souls. Those were just a couple of old orange sodas that have been sitting in the sun too long!
+
'''Ghost:''' Who dares touch me gold?
  
Patrick: I thought mine seemed a little flat.
+
'''SpongeBob:''' It's just us, Mr. Ghost Captain, sir. We brought the replacement gasket you asked for. So if it's not too much trouble, do you think we could have our souls back... now... maybeee.
  
SpongeBob: But what about our real souls?
+
'''Ghost:''' A deal's a deal and I'm a man of me word. Here you go, square one. (gves SpongeBob a bottle with orange soda inside. SpongeBob fills up his body with the soda)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, I never had 'em. Everyone knows you can't hold onto a wild soul. Well, now that that's settled, there's still a little matter of... [Poltergeist
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Aah. That hits the spot!
notices Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick taking off with his gold] Me gold! Stop right there! No one touches me booty and gets away with it.
+
  
Mr. Krabs: Pfttttt! You ghosts don't scare me! You're nothing but thin air! Grab your sacks and follow me, boys! [Krabs opens a door, which leads to the Void, which he is sucked into] Noooooooooooooooooooo!
+
'''Ghost:''' Think fast, pink one!
  
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-har-har-har. Welcome to the Void! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
+
'''Patrick:''' Again? (another bottle hits Patrick in the head. It shatters) My soul. (licks the soda off the floor)
  
[Squidward makes babbling noises and is sucked into the Void]
+
'''Ghost:''' Har-har-har. Those weren't your souls. Those were just a couple of old orange sodas that have been sitting in the sun too long!
  
Patrick: Get me out of here!
+
'''Patrick:''' I thought mine seemed a little flat.
  
Squidward: Nooooooooooooooooooo!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' But what about our real souls?
  
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-har-har-har-har! [Poltergeist sucks in Patrick]
+
'''Ghost:''' Eh, I never had 'em. Everyone knows you can't hold onto a wild soul. Well, now that that's settled, there's still a little matter of... (notices Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick taking off with his gold) Me gold! Stop right there! No one touches me booty and gets away with it.
  
Patrick: Nooooooooooooooooo!
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' (blows a raspberry) You ghosts don't scare me! You're nothing but thin air! Grab your sacks and follow me, boys! (opens a door, which leads to [[The Void]], which he is sucked into) Noooooooooooooooooooo!
  
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. So this is limbo. Well, at least I have a sack full of doubloons to spend eternity with. Uh-oh. Gotta use the can! [Krabs notices that there's a port-a-potty nearby] Ooh. There's a bit of luck. A portable potty. What's this here? "Insert doubloon?" Nooooooooooooo!
+
'''Ghost:''' (laughs) Welcome to the Void! (laughs. Squidward makes babbling noises and he is sucked into the Void)
  
[Mr. Krabs' image fades away and changes to Patrick]
+
'''Patrick:''' Get me out of here!
  
Patrick: Wow. This void sure is relaxing! [A doughnut shows up on Patrick's head] Hey! I've got a doughnut on my head! Come here, you. [Patrick's head stretches] Hey!  
+
'''Squidward:''' Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Get back here! [Patrick's head stretches more and he screams] Why is this happening to me? [Doughnut comes to life]
+
  
Doughnut: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Welcome to your worst nightmare! [Patrick screams in terror. Doughnut laughs evilly until it sees that Patrick is no longer interested] Hmm? [goes down to Patrick; pokes his eye] Hey, stupid? Don't you wanna eat me?
+
'''Ghost:''' Ha-har-har-har-har! (Patrick is sucked into the Void)
  
Patrick: Not really. I don't like plain doughnuts.
+
'''Patrick:''' Nooooooooooooooooo! (disappears into the Void)
  
Doughnut: Well, what kind do you like?
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Hmm. So this is limbo. Well, at least I have a sack full of doubloons to spend eternity with. Uh-oh. Gotta use the can! (notices that there's a port-a-potty nearby) Ooh. There's a bit of luck. A portable potty. What's this here? "Insert doubloon?" Nooooooooooooo! (his image zooms out and fades away as Patrick appears)
  
Patrick: Um, I like sprinkles!
+
'''Patrick:''' Wow. This void sure is relaxing! (a doughnut shows up on Patrick's head) Hey! I've got a doughnut on my head! Come here, you. (his head stretches) Hey! Get back here! (his head stretches more and he screams) Why is this happening to me? (donut comes to life)
  
Doughnut: Aah. [snaps its fingers, and sprinkles appear] Voila!
+
'''Donut:''' Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Welcome to your worst nightmare! (Patrick screams in terror. Laughs evilly until it sees that Patrick is no longer interested) Hmm? (goes down to Patrick. Pokes his eye) Hey, stupid? Don't you wanna eat me?
  
Patrick: No, chocolate! [chocolate appears on the doughnut] No, a bagel! [doughnut turns to a bagel] No-no-no-no, pancakes! [bagel turns to pancakes] No-no-no...
+
'''Patrick:''' Not really. I don't like plain donuts.
  
Doughnut: Hey, pick one, so we can get on with your eternal torment!
+
'''Donut:''' Well, what kind do you like?
  
Patrick: Okay, okay! Man, you're pushy! How about... a Krabby Patty? [pancakes turn to a Krabby Patty] With pickles! [pickles appear] And ketchup! [ketchup appears] Wait, wait, wait! I know, I know, I know! I want... a plain doughnut!
+
'''Patrick:''' Um, I like sprinkles!
  
Doughnut: [turns back into a doughnut] Nooooooooooooooooooo!
+
'''Donut:''' Aah. (snaps its fingers, and sprinkles appear) Voila!
  
[Scene cuts to Squidward in the Void]
+
'''Patrick:''' No, chocolate! (chocolate appears on the donut) No, a bagel! (donut turns to a bagel) No-no-no-no, pancakes! (bagel turns to pancakes) No-no-no...
  
Squidward: Oh, great. I wonder what my vision of eternal suffering will be! [A large, ghost version of SpongeBob is shown with Squidward on its nose] Of course!
+
'''Donut:''' Hey, pick one, so we can get on with your eternal torment!
  
SpongeBob demon: Hiiii, neighbor! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
+
'''Patrick:''' Okay, okay! Man, you're pushy! How about... a Krabby Patty? (pancakes turn to a Krabby Patty) With pickles! (pickles appear) And ketchup! (ketchup appears) Wait, wait, wait! I know, I know, I know! I want... a plain doughnut!
  
Squidward: I guess this is the part where I start screaming. [screams]
+
'''Donut:''' (turns back into a doughnut) Nooooooooooooooooooo! (Patrick's image zooms out and fades away as Squidward appears)
  
[Ghost SpongeBob continues to laugh as the scene cuts to Lord Poltergeist laughing evilly]
+
'''Squidward:''' Oh, great. I wonder what my vision of eternal suffering will be! (a large, ghost version of SpongeBob appears with Squidward on its nose) Of course!
  
Sandy: Hey, corpse breath! You better let my friends out of there if you know what's good for ya!
+
'''SpongeBob demon:''' Hiiii, neighbor! (laughs)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-ha-ha... And if I don't, what'll ye do about it, me bubble-headed lassy?
+
'''Squidward:''' I guess this is the part where I start screaming. (screams as his image zooms out and fades away, while the SpongeBob demon continues to laugh. The "door" to the Void folds away while the ghost laughs evilly)
  
Sandy: Oh, you'll be laughing out the other side of your tombstone once you've had a taste of my ghost-catcher!
+
'''Sandy:''' Hey, corpse breath! You better let my friends out of there if you know what's good for ya!
  
Lord Poltergeist: Oh! The big chipmunk's gonna get us! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
+
'''Ghost:''' Ha-ha-ha... And if I don't, what'll ye do about it, me bubble-headed lassy?
  
[Sandy turns on ghost-catcher and releases Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward]
+
'''Sandy:''' Oh, you'll be laughing out the other side of your tombstone once you've had a taste of my ghost-catcher!
  
Mr. Krabs: Thanks, lassie. Now, let's just get this here bag of doubloons back to the Krusty Krab!
+
'''Ghost:''' Oh! The big chipmunk's gonna get us! (laughs. Sandy turns on her ghost-catcher and releases Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Not so fast! That there booty be mine! [Poltergeist sucks bag into treasure chest]
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Thanks, lassie. Now, let's just get this here bag of doubloons back to the Krusty Krab!
  
Mr. Krabs: Hey, you thieving bilge rat! I stole this gold fair and square! [Mr. Krabs and Poltergeist beat up each other trying to get possession of treasure chest,
+
'''Ghost:''' Not so fast! That there booty be mine! (ghost sucks bag into treasure chest)
which flies into the air]
+
  
SpongeBob: I got it! [Treasure chest crushes SpongeBob]
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Hey, you thieving bilge rat! I stole this gold fair and square! (he and the ghost beat up each other trying to get possession of treasure chest, which flies into the air)
  
Mr. Krabs: Me gold!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' I got it! (treasure chest crushes SpongeBob)
  
Lord Poltergeist: You mean my gold!
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Me gold!
  
SpongeBob: Hey, that's funny! Hmm, this chest says it belongs to the Flying Dutchman!
+
'''Ghost:''' You mean my gold!
  
Sandy: The Flying Dutchman?! You ain't afraid he's gonna want it back?
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Hey, that's funny! Hmm, this chest says it belongs to the Flying Dutchman!
  
Lord Poltergeist: Nah, nah! We used to be part of the Dutchman's crew. We stole his gold hundreds of years ago! But the Dutchman hasn't found us yet. And he never will!
+
'''Sandy:''' The Flying Dutchman?! You ain't afraid he's gonna want it back?
  
[Cannon shoots into the haunted houseboat]
+
'''Ghost:''' Nah, nah! We used to be part of the Dutchman's crew. We stole his gold hundreds of years ago! But the Dutchman hasn't found us yet. And he never will! (cannon shoots into the haunted houseboat)
  
Flying Dutchman: Avast!
+
'''Flying Dutchman:''' Avast!
  
Lord Poltergeist and Sandy: [look out the door] Huh?
+
'''Ghost and Sandy:''' (look out the door) Huh?
  
Flying Dutchman: Heave to... and prepare to be boarded by the Flying Dutchman!
+
'''Flying Dutchman:''' Heave to... and prepare to be boarded by the Flying Dutchman!
  
Lord Poltergeist: The Dutchman! How did he track us down? Unless, thar be a snitch aboard!
+
'''Ghost:''' The Dutchman! How did he track us down? Unless, thar be a snitch aboard!
  
SpongeBob: [holding a phone] It is my civic duty to report stolen property!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' (holding a phone) It is my civic duty to report stolen property!
  
Lord Poltergeist: Why, you scurvy little scum-scrubber! You've ruined everything!
+
'''Ghost:''' Why, you scurvy little scum-scrubber! You've ruined everything!
  
Squidward: Welcome to my world.
+
'''Squidward:''' Welcome to my world.
  
Flying Dutchman: [angrily shouts] Avast there, you scurvy thieving barnacle bass!
+
'''Flying Dutchman:''' (angrily) Avast there, you scurvy thieving barnacle bass!
  
Lord Poltergeist: [nervously] Dutchman! Boy, am I glad we finally found you!
+
'''Ghost:''' (nervously) Dutchman! Boy, am I glad we finally found you!
  
Flying Dutchman: So, it be me old first mate who stole me gold and me crew!
+
'''Flying Dutchman:''' So, it be me old first mate who stole me gold and me crew!
  
Lord Poltergeist: Stole your gold? We just went out to get pizza!
+
'''Ghost:''' Stole your gold? We just went out to get pizza!
  
Flying Dutchman: Um, that was 300 years ago!
+
'''Flying Dutchman:''' Um, that was 300 years ago!
  
Lord Poltergeist: Um, we got lost? But we've been looking for ye ever since... to give ye back your treasure!
+
'''Ghost:''' Um, we got lost? But we've been looking for ye ever since... to give ye back your treasure!
  
Flying Dutchman: Me booty! Well, maybe I misjudged you fellas! I'm sorry I was so cross with ya! [Lord Poltergeist sails away with the treasure] Why, you treacherous sea devils! When I'm done with you, you... [Lord Poltergeist runs over the Dutchman and flies away] Okay, now I'm a little bit peeved!
+
'''Flying Dutchman:''' Me booty! Well, maybe I misjudged you fellas! I'm sorry I was so cross with ya! (first mate sails away with the treasure) Why, you treacherous sea devils! When I'm done with you, you... (first mate runs over the Dutchman and flies away) Okay, now I'm a little bit peeved!
  
Lord Poltergeist: Ha-ha-ha! Eh, that Dutchman was always a sap!
+
'''Ghost:''' Ha-ha-ha! Eh, that Dutchman was always a sap!
  
Sandy: Frog whiskers! The Dutchman's on our tail!
+
'''Sandy:''' Frog whiskers! The Dutchman's on our tail!
  
Lord Poltergeist: Eh, now that the engine's fixed, the Dutchman will never catch up with aye. [Engine dies down] Boiler room, we're losing power! Report!
+
'''Ghost:''' Eh, now that the engine's fixed, the Dutchman will never catch up with aye. (engine dies down) Boiler room, we're losing power! Report!
  
Charlie: The engine's on fire, sir! [engine explodes]
+
'''Charlie:''' The engine's on fire, sir! (engine explodes)
  
Sandy: The Dutchman's gaining on us!
+
'''Sandy:''' The Dutchman's gaining on us!
  
Lord Poltergeist: We're going down! Brace for impact! [all scream, boat collapses]
+
'''Ghost:''' We're going down! Brace for impact! (all scream as the boat collapses)
  
Flying Dutchman: Don't go anywhere, kiddies! Cause you're about to be cursed like you've never been cursed before!
+
'''Flying Dutchman:''' Don't go anywhere, kiddies! Cause you're about to be cursed like you've never been cursed before!
  
SpongeBob: Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that!
  
Flying Dutchman: Observe! [Dutchman removes his eye and turns into a missile, laughing and destroying Lord Poltergeist's ship]
+
'''Flying Dutchman:''' Observe! (removes his eye and turns into a missile, laughing and destroying his first mate's ship. Time card appears)
  
French Narrator: Later, in the void. [cuts to the Krusty Krab in The Void]
+
'''French Narrator:''' ''Later, in the void...'' (cut to the Krusty Krab, now known as the "Kursed Krab," in The Void)
  
Lord Poltergeist: Welcome to the Cursed Krab. How may we serve you this eternity?
+
'''Ghost:''' Welcome to the Kursed Krab. How may we serve you this eternity?
  
Skeleton: I just need to use the bathroom.
+
'''Skeleton:''' I just need to use the bathroom.
  
Lord Poltergeist: Aargh, it's right over there.
+
'''Ghost:''' Aargh, it's right over there.
  
Patrick: Here's your milkshake, Sandy. [Milkshake Gremlin pops out]
+
'''Patrick:''' (serves a milkshake) Here's your milkshake, Sandy. (milkshake gremlin pops out)
  
Sandy: Got ya, you little gremlin!
+
'''Sandy:''' Got ya, you little gremlin!
  
Doughnut: And what would you like, sir?
+
'''Donut:''' And what would you like, sir?
  
Ghost: I want a plain doughnut! [eats doughnut off of Patrick's head. The doughnut gives the ghost its bill]
+
'''Ghost Customer:''' I want a plain doughnut! (eats donut off of Patrick's head. The donut gives the ghost its bill)
  
Mr. Krabs: How's the holdup, Mr. Squidward!
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' How's the holdup, Mr. Squidward!
  
Squidward: Everyone's paying with bones.
+
'''Squidward:''' Everyone's paying with bones.
  
Mr. Krabs: Well, money's money!
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Well, money's money!
  
Squidward: No, I mean actual bones. [opens cash register, showing bones]
+
'''Squidward:''' No, I mean actual bones. (opens cash register, showing bones)
  
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. Those must be worth something down here.
+
'''Mr. Krabs:''' Hmm. Those must be worth something down here.
  
SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward! Everybody hold onto something! It's time to flip the patties! Hit it!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Order up, Squidward! Everybody hold onto something! It's time to flip the patties! Hit it! (the SpongeBob demon laughs and flips the Kursed Krab. Everyone else is heard screaming asthe restaurant is flipped. The demon laughs and turns into the Flying Dutchman)
  
[SpongeBob demon laughs at flips the Cursed Krab, turns into Flying Dutchman as the episode ends]
+
{{Transcripts/Season 8}}

Latest revision as of 22:15, 20 April 2023

Back Episode Transcript Next Episode Transcript
Mr. Krabs Takes a Vacation
Mermaid Man Begins

Episode Article: Ghoul Fools

[edit] Characters

[edit] Dialogue

(episode begins with SpongeBob and Patrick, both of whom are lying on the grass)

SpongeBob: Aah. Patrick, don't you love staring at clouds and thinking about what they look like?

Patrick: Yeah, it really calms my inner demons.

SpongeBob: (points to a cloud in sky) Wow, look at that cloud. (the cloud, which looks like Sandy, floats by) It looks just like Sandy.

Patrick: I'm not seeing it. Ooh, check out that cloud! (another cloud floats by) It looks just like a... um, um, um, d'oh, it's coming, uh, looks like a... a cloud.

SpongeBob: Hmm. It does. Hey, look at that one. (a cloud that looks like Mr. Krabs trying to catch a money cloud floats by, but it disappears) It looks just like Mr. Krabs, doesn't it?

Patrick: Sure does! Um... who's Mr. Krabs again? Oh, now that cloud looks like a flying houseboat. (a houseboat is flying over Bikini Bottom as the sky turns from day to night)

SpongeBob: Um, Patrick, I think that really is a flying houseboat. (he and Patrick watch the houseboat fly away, then lose gas and fall near the grass) What is it, Patrick?

Patrick: It's probably just one of those fake haunted houses, you know, for babies.

SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick, it's very scary-looking and spooky.

Patrick: It looks like fun, I'm going to check it out (runs to houseboat)

SpongeBob: Patrick, wait for me! (follows Patrick)

Patrick: (laughs and tries to get up to the houseboat, but can't) Hey, SpongeBob, can you give me a boost? (gets up on top of SpongeBob) A little to the left. (SpongeBob moves to the left. Gets up to the boat) A little help? (SpongeBob lifts him up) Hurry up, lazy-bones! (SpongeBob gets up to the boat) Wow. Look at this place! It's so cheesy! Check out this lame doorknob. (SpongeBob looks at a skeleton doorknob, which shrieks at him. SpongeBob laughs nervously) Let's check out inside.

SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick.

Patrick: Oh, come on, don't be such a baby! (opens door, to which SpongeBob follows him) Wow, so lame! (thunderclap is heard. Sees a plate of eyeballs and picks up one) Nice attention to detail, though. (puts eyeball back. SpongeBob notices the eyeballs blink, and he runs away) Huh. So not scary!

SpongeBob: (looks at a picture of flowers) Hey, this is a nice picture! (snakes come out of the picture and go into SpongeBob, to which he screams and runs around)

Patrick: Did you say something, SpongeBob? (snakes go back into picture) Hey, SpongeBob, check this out!

SpongeBob: Okay, I'll be right there!

Patrick: Even the spiders are fake! I wish something would... pop out of a closet! Like a big, hairy hand! (door opens and a big, hairy hand comes out and takes SpongeBob to attack him) That would be scary! (SpongeBob screams from far away) But this place is too low budget for that! (hand returns SpongeBob) Would be cool, though, wouldn't it?

SpongeBob: (shaking) Yeah, that'd be... (gulps) neato. (hears scary music) Patrick, where is that music coming from?

Patrick: I think it's coming from that guy! (a ghost is playing the organ, while a thunderclap is heard)

Ghost: (turns around) Who dares trespass upon me haunted houseboat? (thunderclap is heard. The ghost goes over to SpongeBob and Patrick)

Patrick: We do!

Ghost: Aye. And what manner of beastie might you two be?

Patrick: (opens the ghost's mouth) Look at the attention to detail in his mouth. It's all rotten and slimy. (the ghost breathes into Patrick's face, singeing it) His bad breath is incredible! His hair is very authentic, too. It's dirty. (sniffs) Eww. It reeks, and check out the workmanship on the jaw mechanism. (moves the ghost's jaw up and down) Remarkable-build quality! (lets go of the ghost's jaw) Obviously a puppet or a robot! Oh, we must be in one of those fancy pizza parlors, with those singing animated robots!

Ghost: Robots? Puppets? Pizza parlors?! (gets angry and lights on fire)

Patrick: Sing us a song, robot!

Ghost: What? Sing for ye?

Patrick: Oh, whoops! You're right. I almost forgot. You're coin-operated, aren't you? (puts a coin into the ghost's nose. The ghost coughs up the coin and looks at it, gripping it tightly)

Ghost: So you want me to sing ye a shanty, eh?

Patrick: Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

SpongeBob: Don't put yourself out for us!

Ghost: And you do not think I'm a real ghost, do ye?

Patrick: Nope!

SpongeBob: I do, Mr. dead pirate, sir!

Ghost: Oh, oh, oh, I'll sing ye a song, all right! A song so terrifying, you'll have to believe I'm a ghost! (electrocutes SpongeBob and Patrick and laughs)

Patrick: This show is going to be so awesome.

SpongeBob: (laughs nervously) Yeah, awesome (his hand falls off)

Ghost: Hit it, fingers! (fingers appear and start the music)

Ghosts: Yo-ho-ho, yo-hoooooooooooo!

Patrick: (whispers) They're good!

Music: The Ghouls of the Briny Deep

Ghosts: Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep! 
Under the waves we like to creep. 
Creeping in coffins with spider webs as ghostly pillows beneath our heads. 
Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep. Under the waves we like to creep. 
We wear black shrouds that look quite neat, but we don't own shoes, 'cause we have no feet. Ha-ha-ha!

(the lead ghost shows bones for feet and taps them together)

We like to haunt and frighten and scare 'til you jump right out of your underwear. 
We like to eat eyes and brains and drink our grog from rusty drains. 
We don't keep animals like cutesy snails!

(the lead ghost rips Gary's shell off)

SpongeBob: Gary!

Ghosts: Our favorite pet's, the Cat o' Nine Tails!

Cat 'o Nine Tails: Meow!

(SpongeBob and Patrick clap)

Ghost: Do you believe we're real ghosts now?

Patrick: Where's my pizza? What kind of pizza joint are you running anyhow?

Ghost: Pizza? I'll give you a pizza! (poofs up a pizza box and gives it to SpongeBob and Patrick)

Patrick: That's more like it! (pizza box opens to show anchovies on the pizza)

Anchovies: Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Anchovies?! (pizza disappears. SpongeBob and Patrick bow) You are real ghosts! You are real ghosts!

Ghost: Ha-ha-ha-ha! So ye finally believe, eh? You scurvy swabs!

SpongeBob: We do! We do!

Patrick: Oh, please don't kill me with your death ray eyes, Mr. Ghost Robot! (puts SpongeBob in front of him) Take my best friend instead! He's lived a full life! (cowers in fear as SpongeBob is surprised by his act)

Ghost: (looks at the cowering Patrick; sarcastically) Eh, great friend you have here!

SpongeBob: Why have you come to Bikini Bottom, oh mighty dead pirate type person, sir?

Ghost: Eh, that's funny you should ask. Usually, when I come to town, it's to terrify the populous and enslave their souls in eternal torment! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Eh, but this time we just blew a head gasket.

SpongeBob: Oh, I didn't know you ghosts had gaskets in your heads!

Ghost: Not us, you imbecile! Our engine room broke down. (opens engine room and coughs) Hey, Charlie, you got that busted head gasket out yet?

Charlie: Here you go, boss! (head gasket melts) Looks like we need a new one! (ghost grabs head gasket)

Ghost: Say, maybe you two morons... Um, fine gentlemen, could pick up a new one for us!

SpongeBob: (gulps) Uh, uh, us?

Ghost: Yes, you! And just as a little incentive to make you return, (lifts up SpongeBob and Patrick) I'll take your souls as deposit! (grabs SpongeBob and Patrick and puts their souls into glass bottles. Poofs up a treasure chest and picks a doubloon from it, giving to SpongeBob) Here's a shiny doubloon to buy a new gasket. Succeed and maybe you'll get another doubloon! If you aren't back in 24 hours, your souls are mine and you'll be part of my ghastly crew, um, (goes over to check calendar) let's see here, three weeks from Thursday... forever!

SpongeBob: Um, can we run screaming in horror from your ship now, Mr. ghost pirate, sir?

Ghost: Oh, why certainly!

SpongeBob: Patrick, after you! (he and Patrick leave, screaming in horror)

Ghost: Such a polite lad! (SpongeBob and Patrick keep on running, but stop to get ice cream]

SpongeBob: One scoop, please. (he and Patrick have ice cream, then continue running and screaming until crashing into the Krusty Krab) Ghosts, ghosts, a haunted houseboat!

Patrick: (muffled with tongue stretched out) Houseboat full of ghosts! (SpongeBob gets himself stuck in Patrick's tongue)

SpongeBob: Eww, eww, eww, eww! (Patrick's tongue gets SpongeBob and Patrick stuck)

Frank: Hey, those guys are insane! (customers run out of the restaurant)

Mr. Krabs: What's all the commotion out here? (gasps) Come back! (cries) SpongeBob, what in the bulging blue barnacles, are you up to?!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, it was awful! We just had a spooky encounter of the ghostly kind!

Mr. Krabs: You had a what?

SpongeBob: We were just minding our own business and a haunted houseboat fell out of the sky!

Patrick: (muffled) And it was full of ghosts! The really, real kind, not fake kind! (Mr. Krabs puts Patrick's tongue back in place, knocking him down)

SpongeBob: The captain of the ghost gave us this doubloon and told us to buy him a new head gasket! And then, he took our souls and he put them in bottles and he said he's going to turn us into ghosts if we don't get that head gasket! You gotta help us, Mr. Krabs! I feel so empty without my soul!

Mr. Krabs: Did you say doubloon? (grabs doubloon) Let me see that! Hmm, looks somewhat authentic. (sniffs doubloon) Smells real enough! (bites doubloon, which knocks out his tooth. Goes to Frank's car and steals his head gasket)

Frank: Hey! (Mr. Krabs comes back with the stolen head gasket)

Mr. Krabs: Okay, let's go see those ghost fellers! We'll catch 'em and take their gold!

SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs! We don't know the first thing about ghost hunting! (he and Patrick hear a disturbing noise, which is Sandy's new device)

Sandy: I'll catch your ghosts for ya! It'll be easy with my new fangled paranormal critter-detector-catcher gizmo!

Squidward: And you just happened to bring that with you... to the Krusty Krab?

Sandy: Sure, I was looking for milkshake gremlins! (scans a milkshake for "gremlins") Nope, none in there!

Mr. Krabs: Great, then it's settled, let's go catch us some ghost gold!

Squidward: What makes you think I have any interest in your delusional adventurism?

Mr. Krabs: Come on, Squidward! Think about what all those doubloons could do for the Krusty Krab, eh? Huh? Why, I could buy you that break room you're always whining about! (Squidward imagines himself sitting near a microwave, waiting for his burrito to be done)

Squidward: Okay, I'm in!

Mr. Krabs: Super! More hands means more gold. So what do ya say SpongeBob? Are ya ready!

SpongeBob: I'll go, but just to get my soul back.

Mr. Krabs: Who needs a soul when you're filthy rich? (fade to black. After the commercial break, the episode fades in on the haunted houseboat)

SpongeBob: So here it is. Pretty creepy, huh?

Sandy: This place looks like it hasn't been lived in four years.

Patrick: Four years? Gotta be longer than that.

Squidward: I don't see any signs of ghosts. (walks over to painting of a man with a pitchfork and woman standing together) Nothing here but a bunch of tacky old furniture, and boring, representational art. (the man in the picture comes alive and eats the woman's head) Huh?

SpongeBob: Look, Mr. Krabs! The doubloons!

Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Ha-ha-ha! (licks the doubloons in celebration)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I wouldn't touch that if I were you! That gold probably has ghost germs all over it.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't be silly, SpongeBob! There's no such things as germs. (grabs a sack and puts doubloons in it) Heads up, Squidward! (throws a bag to Squidward, which hits him in the head) Hey, Patrick, think fast!

Patrick: Think? (a bag of doubloons hits Patrick)

Mr. Krabs: All right, then. Let's get while the getting's good! Ooh! (notices a doubloon is left behind) Looks like I missed one! Uh... it seems to be stuck... uuuuuuhhhh... (pulls out the ghost from earlier and screams)

Ghost: Who dares touch me gold?

SpongeBob: It's just us, Mr. Ghost Captain, sir. We brought the replacement gasket you asked for. So if it's not too much trouble, do you think we could have our souls back... now... maybeee.

Ghost: A deal's a deal and I'm a man of me word. Here you go, square one. (gves SpongeBob a bottle with orange soda inside. SpongeBob fills up his body with the soda)

SpongeBob: Aah. That hits the spot!

Ghost: Think fast, pink one!

Patrick: Again? (another bottle hits Patrick in the head. It shatters) My soul. (licks the soda off the floor)

Ghost: Har-har-har. Those weren't your souls. Those were just a couple of old orange sodas that have been sitting in the sun too long!

Patrick: I thought mine seemed a little flat.

SpongeBob: But what about our real souls?

Ghost: Eh, I never had 'em. Everyone knows you can't hold onto a wild soul. Well, now that that's settled, there's still a little matter of... (notices Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick taking off with his gold) Me gold! Stop right there! No one touches me booty and gets away with it.

Mr. Krabs: (blows a raspberry) You ghosts don't scare me! You're nothing but thin air! Grab your sacks and follow me, boys! (opens a door, which leads to The Void, which he is sucked into) Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Ghost: (laughs) Welcome to the Void! (laughs. Squidward makes babbling noises and he is sucked into the Void)

Patrick: Get me out of here!

Squidward: Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Ghost: Ha-har-har-har-har! (Patrick is sucked into the Void)

Patrick: Nooooooooooooooooo! (disappears into the Void)

Mr. Krabs: Hmm. So this is limbo. Well, at least I have a sack full of doubloons to spend eternity with. Uh-oh. Gotta use the can! (notices that there's a port-a-potty nearby) Ooh. There's a bit of luck. A portable potty. What's this here? "Insert doubloon?" Nooooooooooooo! (his image zooms out and fades away as Patrick appears)

Patrick: Wow. This void sure is relaxing! (a doughnut shows up on Patrick's head) Hey! I've got a doughnut on my head! Come here, you. (his head stretches) Hey! Get back here! (his head stretches more and he screams) Why is this happening to me? (donut comes to life)

Donut: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Welcome to your worst nightmare! (Patrick screams in terror. Laughs evilly until it sees that Patrick is no longer interested) Hmm? (goes down to Patrick. Pokes his eye) Hey, stupid? Don't you wanna eat me?

Patrick: Not really. I don't like plain donuts.

Donut: Well, what kind do you like?

Patrick: Um, I like sprinkles!

Donut: Aah. (snaps its fingers, and sprinkles appear) Voila!

Patrick: No, chocolate! (chocolate appears on the donut) No, a bagel! (donut turns to a bagel) No-no-no-no, pancakes! (bagel turns to pancakes) No-no-no...

Donut: Hey, pick one, so we can get on with your eternal torment!

Patrick: Okay, okay! Man, you're pushy! How about... a Krabby Patty? (pancakes turn to a Krabby Patty) With pickles! (pickles appear) And ketchup! (ketchup appears) Wait, wait, wait! I know, I know, I know! I want... a plain doughnut!

Donut: (turns back into a doughnut) Nooooooooooooooooooo! (Patrick's image zooms out and fades away as Squidward appears)

Squidward: Oh, great. I wonder what my vision of eternal suffering will be! (a large, ghost version of SpongeBob appears with Squidward on its nose) Of course!

SpongeBob demon: Hiiii, neighbor! (laughs)

Squidward: I guess this is the part where I start screaming. (screams as his image zooms out and fades away, while the SpongeBob demon continues to laugh. The "door" to the Void folds away while the ghost laughs evilly)

Sandy: Hey, corpse breath! You better let my friends out of there if you know what's good for ya!

Ghost: Ha-ha-ha... And if I don't, what'll ye do about it, me bubble-headed lassy?

Sandy: Oh, you'll be laughing out the other side of your tombstone once you've had a taste of my ghost-catcher!

Ghost: Oh! The big chipmunk's gonna get us! (laughs. Sandy turns on her ghost-catcher and releases Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward)

Mr. Krabs: Thanks, lassie. Now, let's just get this here bag of doubloons back to the Krusty Krab!

Ghost: Not so fast! That there booty be mine! (ghost sucks bag into treasure chest)

Mr. Krabs: Hey, you thieving bilge rat! I stole this gold fair and square! (he and the ghost beat up each other trying to get possession of treasure chest, which flies into the air)

SpongeBob: I got it! (treasure chest crushes SpongeBob)

Mr. Krabs: Me gold!

Ghost: You mean my gold!

SpongeBob: Hey, that's funny! Hmm, this chest says it belongs to the Flying Dutchman!

Sandy: The Flying Dutchman?! You ain't afraid he's gonna want it back?

Ghost: Nah, nah! We used to be part of the Dutchman's crew. We stole his gold hundreds of years ago! But the Dutchman hasn't found us yet. And he never will! (cannon shoots into the haunted houseboat)

Flying Dutchman: Avast!

Ghost and Sandy: (look out the door) Huh?

Flying Dutchman: Heave to... and prepare to be boarded by the Flying Dutchman!

Ghost: The Dutchman! How did he track us down? Unless, thar be a snitch aboard!

SpongeBob: (holding a phone) It is my civic duty to report stolen property!

Ghost: Why, you scurvy little scum-scrubber! You've ruined everything!

Squidward: Welcome to my world.

Flying Dutchman: (angrily) Avast there, you scurvy thieving barnacle bass!

Ghost: (nervously) Dutchman! Boy, am I glad we finally found you!

Flying Dutchman: So, it be me old first mate who stole me gold and me crew!

Ghost: Stole your gold? We just went out to get pizza!

Flying Dutchman: Um, that was 300 years ago!

Ghost: Um, we got lost? But we've been looking for ye ever since... to give ye back your treasure!

Flying Dutchman: Me booty! Well, maybe I misjudged you fellas! I'm sorry I was so cross with ya! (first mate sails away with the treasure) Why, you treacherous sea devils! When I'm done with you, you... (first mate runs over the Dutchman and flies away) Okay, now I'm a little bit peeved!

Ghost: Ha-ha-ha! Eh, that Dutchman was always a sap!

Sandy: Frog whiskers! The Dutchman's on our tail!

Ghost: Eh, now that the engine's fixed, the Dutchman will never catch up with aye. (engine dies down) Boiler room, we're losing power! Report!

Charlie: The engine's on fire, sir! (engine explodes)

Sandy: The Dutchman's gaining on us!

Ghost: We're going down! Brace for impact! (all scream as the boat collapses)

Flying Dutchman: Don't go anywhere, kiddies! Cause you're about to be cursed like you've never been cursed before!

SpongeBob: Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that!

Flying Dutchman: Observe! (removes his eye and turns into a missile, laughing and destroying his first mate's ship. Time card appears)

French Narrator: Later, in the void... (cut to the Krusty Krab, now known as the "Kursed Krab," in The Void)

Ghost: Welcome to the Kursed Krab. How may we serve you this eternity?

Skeleton: I just need to use the bathroom.

Ghost: Aargh, it's right over there.

Patrick: (serves a milkshake) Here's your milkshake, Sandy. (milkshake gremlin pops out)

Sandy: Got ya, you little gremlin!

Donut: And what would you like, sir?

Ghost Customer: I want a plain doughnut! (eats donut off of Patrick's head. The donut gives the ghost its bill)

Mr. Krabs: How's the holdup, Mr. Squidward!

Squidward: Everyone's paying with bones.

Mr. Krabs: Well, money's money!

Squidward: No, I mean actual bones. (opens cash register, showing bones)

Mr. Krabs: Hmm. Those must be worth something down here.

SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward! Everybody hold onto something! It's time to flip the patties! Hit it! (the SpongeBob demon laughs and flips the Kursed Krab. Everyone else is heard screaming asthe restaurant is flipped. The demon laughs and turns into the Flying Dutchman)


Transcripts Episodes
Season 1 Season 1
Season 2 Season 2
Season 3 Season 3
Season 4 Season 4
Season 5 Season 5
Season 6 Season 6
Season 7 Season 7
Season 8 Season 8
Season 9 Season 9
Season 10 Season 10
Season 11 Season 11
Season 12 Season 12
Season 13 Season 13
Season 14 Season 14
Season 15 Season 15
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