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Episode Transcript: The Splinter
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Episode Article: The Splinter
Characters
Dialogue
SpongeBob: (laughing in the kitchen)
Note (from Squidward): 2 Krabby Patties. P.S. SpongeBob, you're an idiot. ♥ Squidward
SpongeBob: Two Krabby patties. P.S., SpongeBob, you're an idiot. Looove, Squidward! Hah, love you, too, Squiddy. Two Krabby Patties, coming right up! (twirls Spat, but it gets stuck on the roof. tries jumping for it. he thinks. cut to a scene where a pile of stuff os stacked up to the ceiling. tries to reach it, but it fails. suddenly, some jars of tartar suace from the pile break. meanwhile, SpongeBob goes up to the ceiling and reaches for Spat. he takes it off.) Wow, this thing was really stuck good. (puts it back on) Gotcha! (he falls, and is about to land on fallen swords) Well, I guess this is it. (he is saved by Spat, who gets stuck on a single sword) Oh, you really saved me! (he slips on some tartar sauce, and his finger gets run down on a splinter) A splinter! Ok, buddy, but you've got to go. So...here we go. (he fails to take it off) Ow! Come on! Boy, that really hurt! Oh, barnacles, this hurts! Curses! (tries to use Spat to take it off) Ok, you're smart, you're strong, but you're no match for me! Hey, a guy with a mustache! (tries to bite it off, but it reveals his skeleton) Ok, but I hope you like making Krabby Patties!
Peterson: (talking to Squidward) Excuse me, sir, I ordered a couple of Krabby Patties awhile ago and I wonder when they'll be done.
Squidward: (plays with his tentacles) It looks like a hook. (laughs)
Peterson: Will they be ready?
Squidward: Yes, yes, yes, don't move your head, please.
SpongeBob: (recieves a crumpled note. tries to reach for Spat, but the splinter prevents him) Ow. Ow. Ow. You're making this a little bit difficult, but I am at a restraurant. (presses a button on Spat. string comes out, and he ties the spatula to his nose. so he makes them.) Perfection!
SpongeBob: (dinging the serving bell) Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.
Squidward: I heard you!
Squidward: (smiling with a calm, relaxed voice) What's this? [referring to the spatula taped onto SpongeBob's nose]
SpongeBob: Hehe, what's what?
Squidward: (in the same tone as before) This, right here. [flicks the spatula on SpongeBob's nose]
SpongeBob: What's what where?
Squidward: (same tone) What's this, this thing, right over here?
SpongeBob: (giggles) What do you mean?
Squidward: (same tone) This spatula...tied to your nose?
SpongeBob: Oooh, this! (explains quickly) You see, this got stuck up there so I stacked and climbed up and I got it but I fell and I thought I was surely going to die but I didn't and I fell to safety but then I tripped and got this splinter but then it wouldn't let me cook Krabby patties so I taped this spatula to my nose, doesn't it make sense? Squidward? Were you listening? Squidward: (sarcastic) Oh, yes, it makes perfect sense.
Squidward: Hey...is that a splinter? I'm telling Mr. Krabs!
SpongeBob: Please, don't tell Mr. Krabs!! Ple-he-hease!
Squidward: Me? No, no, no, no. No, no. No, no, no, no - no, no - no, no, no, no. No.
SpongeBob: Phew.
Squidward: Well, maybe.
SpongeBob: AAAHHH!! (holds onto beating heart that's emiting from his chest) Please! I'll get it out! I promise!
Patrick: (as a doctor, inspecting SpongeBob's thumb which has a splinter in it) Well, here's your problem! Don't worry, buddy. I'll take care of it in no time.
SpongeBob: Phew, thanks Patrick, you're a real life saver.
Patrick: (takes out a huge wooden spike and a hammer, placing the spike ontop of the splinter and lines up the hammer, then Patrick slams the splinter further into SpongeBob's thumb)
SpongeBob: Ow! (SpongeBob's thumb swells up horrifically and grows ten times in size)
Patrick: Hmmm... there appears to be a little bit of swelling. (Patrick picks up a lump of trash_ This garbage compress should help that go down. (Patrick smothers the swollen thumb with the garbage. The garbage slides off of it and the area where the splinter is inserted fizzes a sickly green ooze and turns SpongeBob's thumb a dark purple) That doesn't look good. (Patrick's pager beeps) But my shift's over. Call me in the morning...if you can still dial the phone. (Puts hat on and walks away)
Squidward: I'm telling Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Uhh.. SpongeBob? Have you always had three legs?
SpongeBob: (SpongeBob has a sock and shoe over his splintered thumb to hide it) Yes...
Mr. Krabs: (believing tone) Interesting... now, what's this thing about a splinter Squidward's been telling me about?
Mr. Krabs: Come on, it's just a little splinter, it can't be that... (SpongeBob reveals his massive, swollen thumb which has a slight area of pale green fizz around the impaled splinter) gah-gah-ai-ai, rah-AAHH!! Dear, merciful Neptune!
Squidward: (moans and faints)
Mr. Krabs: Eh, no problem. No problem. (easily picks out the splinter. there is a brief pause and the tip of SpongeBob's thumb pops and shoots out confetti) There, problem solv-- [a mass amount of pale green pus shoots out of SpongeBob's thumb onto Mr. Krabs' face, he makes gurgling sounds but takes out an umbrella as it dies down) There ya go. Hah, for a second there, I thought I'd have to pay for your worker's compensation.
SpongeBob: What's worker's compensation?
Mr. Krabs: You know, it's when you get paid for sitting at home.
Squidward: (Squidward's eyes shoot open) You get paid for doing nothing?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, what did ya think compensation stands for? Squidward: (breaks the cash register out of the boat counter and slowly smashes it onto his head two times) Ow!
Mr. Krabs: Uhhh...Squidward?
Squidward: (throws the cash register up into the air and gets crushed by it, then squirms) Do I get my compensation, now?
Mr. Krabs: Uh, no. Your shift ended over two minutes ago.
Squidward: (groans)
