Episode Transcript: No Weenies Allowed

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Episode Article: No Weenies Allowed

Characters

• SpongeBob SquarePants
• Patrick Star
• Sandy Cheeks
• Tom
• Reg

Places

Salty Splitoon

Narrator: Ah, Goo Lagoon, a luxurious oasis of sand and sea. (scene cuts to Spongebob and Sandy next to a tall tent)
Sandy: Shee-oot, Spongebob. How are we gonna go swimmin' when you’re in a shirt and tie?
Spongebob: Ah, yes. How foolish of me. (cackles) Allow me to remedy said situation right now. I will just use this changing tent here to change into my bathing suit. (goes into the tent then pokes his head out) And I won’t do anything else. (goes back in)
Sandy: Spongebob’s actin' jumpier than a rattlesnake in a pickle barrel. Wait...what?
Spongebob: (laughs) Oh, I’ll be changing alright, but not into a bathing suit. Wait until Sandy sees that I brought my karate gear! Hi-yah! (puts on his head gear that was in the bag) Hi-yah! (puts on his karate gloves that was in the bag) Sandy won’t beat me this time, because I’ve got the elements on my side. The elements of surprise. Hi-yah! (kicks the bag)
Sandy: Spongebob, are you ready?
Spongebob: Yes, Sandy, I most certainly am ready! (softly) Ready to get it on. (jumps out of the tent towards Sandy) Hi... Sandy: Hi-yah! (kicks Spongebob in his mouth) Look, Spongebob, we both brought our karate gear.
Spongebob: (muffled laughter) Great minds think alike, I suppose.
Sandy: Hi-yah! (karate chops him into the air. Spongebob crashes into the ground, followed by his pants, socks, and shoes. He stands up with the clothing on his head and feet in some food)
Spongebob: I may be down, but I’m not out! (looks down at his feet, which are in some potato salad at a family picnic)
Tom: Way to go, buddy. It took us three days to make that potato salad. (Spongebob jumps away) Three days!
Spongebob: (jumps into an empty area) Hi-yah! Sandy?
Sandy: Oh, I’m sandy alright. (her arms come out of the ground and squish Spongebob's face) I’m very Sandy. (kicks Spongebob into the air) Hi-yah!
Spongebob: Oh, I get it. She’s "Sandy." That’s her name; she’s also covered in...yes! (flys out of the water then back into it. Scene cuts to Sandy talking to an ice cream vendor)
Sandy: Back in Texas, we call ice cream 'frozen cow juice.' Excuse me for a sec. Hi-yah! (slaps Spongebob in the face with her karate glove) Thank you.
Ice Cream Vendor: No, no, thank you.
Sandy: Hi-yah!! (slaps Spongebob again, sending him into the air and flying into a strong fish that is waiting in line)
Fish #1: (growls) Who threw that piece of paper at me? (Spongebob stammers and whistles)
Sandy: Hey, what’s everybody waitin' in line for?
Fish #1: Ahoy, fair lass, it be the line to get into the Salty Spitoon -- (points over to an old building) the roughest, toughest sailor club ever to be built under the seven seas. Only the baddest of the bad can get in. You need to have muscles. (flexes his arm) You need to have muscles on your muscles. (flexes even more, created more muscles on his previous ones) You need to have muscles on your eyeballs. (flexes his eyes, creating muscles)
Spongebob: Ew. (a creature is screaming, while flying out of the Salty Spitoon)
Sandy: Looks like a rip-snortin' good time, Spongebob!
Spongebob: Yeah, let’s go in.
Reg: (lets a fish walk in) Go ahead. (line moves up) Welcome to the Salty Spittoon. How tough are ya?
Fish #1: How tough am I? How tough am I?! I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning!
Reg: Yeah, so?
Fish #1: Without any milk.
Reg: Uhh, right this way, sorry to keep you waiting. (fish #1 walks in. Sandy walks up to Reg) Welcome to the Salty Spittoon. How tough are ya?
Sandy: How tough am I? (rips off one of his tattoos that says 'mom' and puts it upside down back where it was)
Spongebob: Wow.
Sandy: Got any more tattoos?
Reg: Uhh, that won’t be necessary. Go ahead.
Sandy: Thanks. See ya inside, Spongebob! (walks in)
Reg: How tough are ya?
Spongebob: How tough am I? You got a new bottle of ketchup?
Reg: Sure. (hands the bottle of ketchup to Spongebob)
Spongebob: It’s on! (strains to open it but he can't) If I could just run this under some hot water.
Reg: Get outta here. This place is too tough for you, little man.
Spongebob: Too tough for me? That’s downright ridiculous. I’ll have you know I stubbed my toe last week while watering my spice garden and I only cried for twenty minutes.
Reg: Listen, kid. I think you’d be more comfortable over at that place. (points to the building across the street)
Spongebob: Weenie Hut Jr’s? Are you saying I belong at Weenie Hut Jr’s?
Reg: Oh no, sorry, I was actually pointing at the place next to it. (points to another building)
Spongebob: Super Weenie Hut Jr’s?
Reg: Yeah. Unless you think you’re tough enough to fight me. (Scene cuts to Spongebob sitting in a seat at Weenie Hut Jrs)
Fish #2: How’s your collection coming along?
Fish #3: Well, I don’t mean to brag, but it’s pretty sweet. I’m in the process of acquiring issue 347 which will give me my fourth complete set.
Fish #2: No... Spongebob: >(snorts) What weenies. Oh brother.
Robot: (robotic voice) Would you care for another diet cola with a lemon twist, weenie?
Spongebob: What? But I’m not a weenie! (theh robot scans Spongebob with one of its scanners)
Robot: I’m sorry, sir, but my sensors indicate that you are indeed a weenie. (computer beeps and shows a picture of a weiner)
Spongebob: That’s impossible! (runs out)
Robot: You can’t hide what’s inside.
Spongebob: (runs over to Reg) I demand entrance into your club on the grounds that I am not a weenie! (a strong, orange fish walks up)
Fish #4: Hey, Reg, how's it going? (Spongebob jumps into Reg's arms and screams)
Reg: You were sayin'? (to orange fish) Go ahead, buddy.
Fish #4: Thanks, Reg. (walks in)
Spongebob: So, your name’s Reg?
Reg: Would you get outta here?
Spongebob: Mark my words, Reg. I will get into the Salty Spittoon! I will! (runs off. Scene cuts to Weenie Hut Jrs)
Fish #2: Couldn’t get in, huh? What you need is a tough hairdo. No one gets into the Double S without a tough hairdo.
Fish #3: I disagree, I saw a guy going in there and he was bald.
Fish #2: I saw that guy. He wasn’t bald. He had a shaved head. Shaved -- that’s a hairdo. Case closed. (both fish notice Spongebob is gone) Hey, where’d he go?
Robot: I believe he said something about going to the wig store.
Fish #2: Ha-ha! Check and mate. (Spongebob walks over to Reg with a cool, black wig on)
Spongebob: What’s shakin', my man?
Reg: Not much. Say, haven’t I seen you before?
Spongebob: Doubt it -- I’m a drifter -- just blew into town. Heard your club was pretty tough, thought I’d check it out.
Reg: Nice try, kid. I know it’s you.
Spongebob: What’re you talking about? (Reg pulls Spongebob’s hair but it is still attached to his head)
Reg: Aha! (the hair does not come off. Another Spongebob walks up with a clown wig on)
Spongebob: Hey, everybody, what’s goin’ on? (Reg tries to redo his hair but can't do it)
Reg: Ah, you can go in. Sorry about that. (cool Spongebob walks in) What do you want?
Spongebob: I’d like to gain entrance to your social club, please. I believe my hairdo is in order. (Reg takes the wig off Spongebob's head. Spongebob laughs nervously) So, uhh, where do you stand on the whole bald vs. shaved debate? (a big, green fish walks up with a tattoo of a seahorse on his right arm)
Fish #5: Hey-ya, Reg.
Reg: Alright, now it’s a party! Oh yeah, check out the new ink.
Fish #5: Thanks. Hey, look what I can make it do. (moves his arm, which makes the seahorse tattoo wiggle)
Reg: (chuckles) Yeah. Hey, what about that one? (big, green fish looks at his left arm that has a Spongebob tattoo on it)
Fish #5: Huh, you know, I don’t remember getting this one.
Reg: Can you make it dance?
Fish #5: Well, here, let me try. (moves his arm. Spongebob dances)
Reg: Hmmm, wait a minute. (rips Spongebob off his arm) Go ahead in. (the tattoo fish walks in, rubbing his left arm)
Fish #5: Yeah, sure, Reg. Thanks.
Reg: Nice try, little man. (throws Spongebob to the back of the line behind two strong fish)
Fish #6: Hey, I was in front of you!
Fish #7: No, you weren’t!
Fish #6: You callin’ me a liar?
Fish #7: I ain’t callin’ you for dinner! (two start fighting. Spongebob tries to run away but the fight goes down hill, with him in it. Reg walks over)
Reg: Hold it, you two -- that’s enough, you’re both plenty tough, go ahead in.
Fish #6: Alright!
Fish #7: Thanks, Reg. (both run off as Spongebob comes out from under the sand)
Spongebob: Hey, what about me? I was in that scrap.
Reg: (chortles) I saw you runnin’. When you get in a real fight, then we’ll talk.
Spongebob: Well then, I guess it’s time to kick it up a notch. (stretches his body then cracks his fingers but they are snapped in half. He starts to cry and runs off. Scene cuts to Spongebob with his fingers in a bowl of ice cream)
Robot: Care for another sundae, weenie?
Spongebob: I am not a weenie!
Fish #2: Relax, you’re among friends.
Spongebob: My friends don’t hang out at Weenie Hut Jr’s. (scroll over to Patrick in the seat next to him)
Patrick: You tell 'em, Spongebob! (sips his drink)
Spongebob: Patrick, what’re you doing here?
Patrick: I’m always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays.
Fish #2: Actually they moved Double Weenie Wednesday to Friday.
Fish #3: And besides, today’s Monday.
Patrick: Oh, so it’s Mega Weenie Monday?
Fish #2: Uhh, that’s now on Sunday.
Patrick: Barnacles!
Fish #3: Super Weenie Hut Jr’s has a Mega Weenie Monday.
Fish #2: Uhh, no, you’re thinking of Monster Weenie Monday.
Spongebob: I don’t have time for this! I’ve got to go pick a fight with a muscular stranger! It’s the only one of getting into the Salty Spittoon. (begins to walks out)
Patrick: No, Spongebob, you can’t. It’s too dangerous.
Spongebob: I’ve got no choice.
Robot: I have a suggestion. Why not fake a fight?
Patrick: Hey, that’s not a bad idea! You can call me a couple of bad names, we rumble, next thing you know, you’re in the Salty Spittoon.
Spongebob: Well, I guess I’ve got nothing to lose. Let’s do it!
Patrick: Yeah! (both run out) Fish #2: Hey, how come you never help us out with our problems?
Robot: I am a robot, not a miracle worker. (scene cuts to Spongebob walking up to Reg)
Spongebob: Afternoon, Reg.
Reg: Whoa, whoa, little man. You still can’t go in.
Spongebob: Well, that makes me pretty mad.
Reg: Oh yeah?
Spongebob: Yeah. I might have to beat someone up just to get rid of all this blind fury.
Reg: (sarcastically) Wow.
Spongebob: Yeah, I feel pretty sorry for the next guy who looks at me funny.
Reg: Hmmm...what about that guy? (points to a strong fish behind him)
Spongebob: (gasps and stammers) I, uhh... (laughs) don’t be silly. He’s not botherin’ anybody. I mean, not like...that guy! (points to Ptarick)
Patrick: Who, me? (Spongebob walks up to Patrick)
Spongebob: Yeah, you. Standing there all smiling and whatnot. Somebody oughta teach you some manners!
Patrick: Ok, but I must warn you. I happen to be a world championship...uhh... (looks at his hand , which has writing on it) ...kick boxer. (winks and gives a thumbs-up to Spongebob)
Spongebob: I don’t care if you’re the demon seed of Davy Jones! You’re goin’ down, Tubby! (Patrick starts to tear)
Patrick: Tubby? (gets mad) Nobody calls me Tubby!! (punches Spongebob in the eye, leaving a black mark)
Spongebob: Wait, Patrick, you’re supposed to let me win, remember?
Patrick: Oh yeah. (invisible punches flying) No, please wait. (grunting as more invisible punches hit him. Patrick is being thrown into the air and on the ground then given a wedgie) No, please have mercy. (is kicked into the background)
Reg: Wow! You destroyed that guy without even touchin’ him. (Patrick is still fighting in the background)
Spongebob: I did?
Reg: I never thought I’d say this, but go ahead in.
Spongebob: Really? I can go in? Oh, my gosh, I never thought this moment would come! I, Spongebob Squarepants, am tough enough to get into the Salty Spittoon! This is the happiest day of my life! (walks in. Scene cuts to an ambulance driving down the street with Spongebob in bandages and Sandy by his side) Sandy? (groans) What happened?
Sandy: You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube. (ambulance arrives at the hospital. Scene cuts to Sandy wheeling Spongebob in front of the doctor)
Doctor: What happened?
Spongebob: I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos!
Doctor: Boo-boos, eh? Hmmm...I think you guys want that hospital. (points across the street to another hospital)
Spongebob: Weenie Hut General?

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