Episode Transcript: Scavenger Pants

[The episode begins at Squidward's house. Squidward is dancing along with the music from "The Nutcracker Suite." Squidward continues to dance and show off some of his moves. Just then, SpongeBob appears and joins in the dancing as well.]

SpongeBob: [whispering] You dance divinely. [Squidward freaks out and clings himself to the ceiling with his suction cups. He loses his grip and falls to the floor. Patrick appears, removes the record from the phonograph and places a different record on it. The record begins playing funky, rock music.]

Patrick: Shall we?

SpongeBob: Oh, I love this song! [Patrick and SpongeBob dance to the rock music. Squidward gets really angry and removes the record from the phonograph.]

Squidward: Why are you nitwits in my house?

SpongeBob and Patrick: We're bored!

Patrick: And we don't want to be bored!

SpongeBob: We wanna have fun. [Patrick kicks the pillar holding Squidward's head sculpture. Squidward screams and catches the sculpture before it hits the floor. Squidward sighs in relief and his head shatters. SpongeBob is standing upside down and Patrick eats his pants.]

SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward. Give us something fun to do. Please? [Squidward groans and Patrick's stomach grumbles.]

Patrick: Oh, let's play lunch!

SpongeBob: No problem. I'll whip up some grub. [SpongeBob and Patrick run over to the kitchen and begin taking stuff out of Squidward's fridge and cabinets.]

Squidward: Leave my kitchen alone!

SpongeBob: Hm, there must be something I can scavenge up around here.

Squidward: [grins evilly and gets an idea] Oh! That's it. How would you two like to go on a... scavenger hunt?

SpongeBob and Patrick: Scavenger hunt? Patrick: What's a scavenger hunt? [SpongeBob takes out a dictionary from his head, turns the pages with his nose, and looks up the word, "Scavenger Hunt."]

SpongeBob: [reading] "A party game in which participants work in teams to collect a list of miscellaneous objects!" Scavenger hunt, yeah! What's first on the list, Squidward?

Squidward: Um, oh, uh, well, let's see. [takes out a roll of toilet paper and pretends to read something on it] Bring back the rare Desert Sandwich. [SpongeBob and Patrick giggle and began searching all over the place to look for Squidward's "Desert Sandwich." SpongeBob looks for it in the phonograph.]

SpongeBob: Sandwich? [Patrick looks for it under Squidward's picture.]

SpongeBob: [looks for it in Squidward's nose, which causes him to scream] Sandwich? Sandwich? [lets go of Squidward's nose]

Squidward: [straightens out his nose] Not in here! The sandwich is only found deep in the Bikini Badlands, out there!

Patrick: [he and SpongeBob stop looking] Oh.

Squidward: [pushes SpongeBob and Patrick out and shuts the door] Phew. I am a genius. [SpongeBob and Patrick stop at a sign pointing to the Goodlands and to the Badlands.] SpongeBob: Goodlands, half a league. [SpongeBob and Patrick observe the Goodlands. There, they see jellyfish swimming around, flowers and trees dancing, a sun and rainbow shining down and a sea unicorn skipping along.]

SpongeBob: Badlands, 20,000 leagues? [SpongeBob and Patrick observe the Badlands. There, they see a dried up wasteland with a volcano, a cactus and a skeleton with sea urchins crawling out. SpongeBob and Patrick are stunned, but they decide to go there anyway. The scene changes to them traveling the Badlands. They become exhausted from the high temperatures and are very thirsty since they had no drinking water with them. SpongeBob and Patrick collapsed from exhaustion.]

Patrick: So...thirsty. [rings SpongeBob's sweat and drinks it for water] Oh.

SpongeBob: [dried up and very weak] It's no use. We'll never find the rare Desert Sandwich. [Suddenly, a sand tornado appears out of nowhere. SpongeBob and Patrick scream in terror and sand gets into their eyes. The sand tornado lifts them in the air and starts to carry them away. Meanwhile, back at Squidward's house, Squidward is in his bathroom, dancing with "The Nutcracker Suite" again. The door opens and Squidward flies backwards. SpongeBob and Patrick arrive.]

SpongeBob: Squidward! We did it! We brought back the first item! [A sand tornado comes through the door and into the living room.]

Squidward: Sand? [sand is blown in Squidward's face] [The sand tornado dies down, revealing a witch within it. The witch cackles.]

Squidward: [spits out the sand] Witch? [the witch cackles] Oh, good grief! Not that kind of sand witch! The Desert Sandwich has tomatoes and bread and—and—mayo.

Sand Witch: No worries, I used to work at an evil deli. [creates a sandwich with her magic] Ta-da!

Squidward: Oh, looks pretty good. [takes a bite and spikes poke out from his cheeks; he screams as the sandwich comes to life and bites his nose] Get it off! Get it off! [gets mauled by the sandwich monster] [The sand witch cackles. The scene changes to the sandwich monster being locked in the refrigerator.]

SpongeBob: What's next on our scavenger hunt, Squidward?

Squidward: Hmm...oh. [sees a picture of a flower] Mm-hmm. Your next item is the Boxing Begonia! [spins the globes and points to the location] It only grows in the deepest canyon of the Mariana Trench.

SpongeBob and Patrick: Ooh! [giggle as they run out the door]

Squidward: Ha. That'll keep them out of my hair. [rubs his head and it glimmers since he has no hair] Oh. [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick looking down at the deepest canyon of the Mariana Trench.]

Patrick: It's so straight-down-y.

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. A scavenger is always prepared. [pulls out a rope, ties it to a nearby rock and goes to climb down, but the rope isn't long enough] The rope is too short! We need another one!

Patrick: [throws down a rope] Here!

SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick! Where'd you get another rope? Patrick: From that rock! [Patrick slips off the edge and falls down into the canyon with SpongeBob, crashing into some stalagmites in the process. They both crash to the ground below the canyon.]

SpongeBob: Found it! [The scene changes back to Squidward's house where Squidward resumes his dancing. SpongeBob and Patrick swing into his house through the window with the Boxing Begonia they found.]

SpongeBob: We're back!

Squidward: What? But—but it's not possible! [becomes amazed at the Boxing Begonia's beauty] Boxing Begonia? It's beautiful. [The Boxing Begonia comes to life and starts beating up Squidward with boxing gloves.]

Patrick: The champ takes a swift uppercut to the jaw. [punches himself]

SpongeBob: Squidward is against the ropes. A left, a right.

Patrick: How can a man stand it? [Squidward falls flat on the floor, knocking out his dentures.]

SpongeBob: Oh, and the champ is down!

Patrick: [holding up the Boxing Begonia] The winner! [The scene changes to a beaten up Squidward pacing back and forth.]

Squidward: How do you keep finding everything?

SpongeBob: [meditating] You have to keep your skull... numb.

Patrick: Yeah, we're numbskulls!

Squidward: [sighs and takes out a book] Your next mission is to find [points to the picture of the Loch Ness Monster] the Loch Ness Monster and bring him back...alive.

SpongeBob: Ooh, the Loch Ness Monster!

Patrick: Oh, so good! Oh, so good! [takes out a notebook and a pencil; he sharpens his pencil with his bellybutton] What color?

Squidward: [pushes the sofa] Doesn't matter! Good luck! [throws them out and grins evilly] They'll never find it. And if they do, it'll eat them. [laughs] It's a win-win. [yelps as the sofa falls on top of him] [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick rowing their boat upside-down in the rivers of Scotland.]

SpongeBob: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!

Patrick: How are we gonna find a monster in the dark? I can't see anything.

SpongeBob: We don't have to find it. It'll find us. [pulls out some bagpipes and plays music with it] [As SpongeBob plays music with his bagpipes, a shadowy creature swims around and looms over them. SpongeBob and Patrick wail in fright. Meanwhile, back at Squidward's house, Squidward resumes his dancing and is playing with his clarinet while wearing a beautiful, purple hat.] Squidward: [sighs] I'm the greatest. [hears a knock at the door] And here comes the worst. [takes off his hat]

SpongeBob and Patrick: [enters] We're back! [The Loch Ness Monster smashes through the wall above the front door with his head.]

Squidward: [shuddering] The lo—lo— The Loch Ness Monster! How did you find it?

SpongeBob: Oh, simple. [takes out his bagpipe] Bagpipes.

Squidward: [grabs the bagpipe] It likes bagpipe music? [the bagpipes blow air out]

Patrick: No, it hates it. [The Loch Ness Monster roars, grabs Squidward with his mouth, and swallows him whole with the bagpipes.]

The Loch Ness Monster: Ahh...

SpongeBob: But it sure loves to eat 'em!

French Narrator: One very long digestive tract later... [Squidward is completely worn out from nearly being digested from the Loch Ness Monster. SpongeBob and Patrick bounce on the sofa while Squidward sits in agony.]

SpongeBob and Patrick: Give us another one! Give us another one! Give us another one!

Squidward: Oh, brother! [grins evilly and comes up with another idea] Brother...

SpongeBob: Come on, just one more.

Squidward: [pretends to act nervous] Well, all right, it's—it's impossible, but... [sniffles as he pretends to cry] if only you could find my long lost brother.

SpongeBob and Patrick: [hold Squidward's hands] Brother?

Squidward: [chuckles wickedly as he grabs his picture and draws a moustache on it; he turns around and pretends to be heartbroken] I haven't seen him since he was a baby.

SpongeBob: Aww.

Patrick: Baby with a mustache.

Squidward: [rubs his head] He was an early bloomer.

SpongeBob: What was his name?

Squidward: Name, huh? Um...

SpongeBob: "Um?" Aw, what a pretty name.

Squidward: [pretends to be heartbroken] If I could just see him again... [pretends to cry] No. [Bob and Larry fall for Squidward's cruel lies and they sob crazily.]

Bob: Oh, that was beautiful!

Larry: Hold me, Bob!

Bob: I would if I could, man!

Jean Claude: Pull yourselves together!

Phillipe: Yes, you have a show to wrap-up!

Bob: Oh, your right. I'm sorry. Where were we?

Larry: Madame Blueberry.

[Bob and Larry sob crazily]

Jean Claude: All right, that does it. Cue the music!

Phillipe: Unless, of course, you have any objections!

Bob: No... I don't care. Go ahead.

Jean Claude: Hit it, boys!

Singers: And so what we have learned our lives today and God has a lot to say in his book.

[Bob sniffles]

Patrick: Even my armpits are crying! [his armpits shed tears and he blows his nose and nine boogers are on the floor]

Mindy: Eww!

SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, we've got some extreme scavenging to do!

Patrick: Yeah!

Squidward: [carries them out the door] Oh, thank you. [throws them down and slams the door] I'm free! [laughs] [The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick finding Squidward's "brother" in the streets of Bikini Bottom.]

SpongeBob: Squidward's brother! [SpongeBob looks for Squidward's "brother" in Jellyfish Fields.]

SpongeBob: [climbs up a tree with Patrick] Squidward's brother! [peeks into a jellyfish hive] Squidward's brother? [he and Patrick get stung by jellyfish] [SpongeBob and Patrick pop out of an old lady's bathtub when an old lady was taking a bath.]

Patrick: Squidward's brother? [he and SpongeBob get whacked in the heads by the old lady] [SpongeBob and Patrick go to look for Squidward's "brother" at Squidward's house. SpongeBob knocks on the door and Squidward answers it.]

SpongeBob: [gasps with Patrick] He's right here! Squidward's brother!

Patrick: The rascal shaved his moustache!

Squidward: [sighs] Good grief. [slams the door on SpongeBob and Patrick]

French Narrator: Six months later... [SpongeBob and Patrick are completely tired and their voices have grown weak from looking for Squidward's "brother."] SpongeBob: [weakly] Um! Squidward's brother!

Patrick: [weakly] Squidward's brother! [SpongeBob and Patrick bump into a mailbox and it reads "Mrs. Tentacles" on it.]

SpongeBob: Mrs. Tentacles? [run up to Mrs. Tentacles' house and knocks on the door with his nose; Mrs. Tentacles answers] Mrs. Tentacles, you're Squidward's mother. You must know where Squidward's brother is.

Mrs. Tentacles: Brother? Squidward never had a brother. One of him was enough. [shuts the door]

SpongeBob: Aw, that's so sad. Squidward wanted a baby brother so badly he imagined one.

Patrick: Oh, man. Now it'll take even longer to find him.

SpongeBob: Hm? [a rain cloud forms above his head] Oh, I'm getting a brainstorm!

Patrick: I've got you, buddy. [takes out an umbrella and puts it over SpongeBob's head]

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, let it flow. [his body absorbs the raindrops from his raincloud] Ooh, I have a plan. [The scene changes to Squidward playing his song "I Hate People" on his clarinet while dancing around and destroying everything inside SpongeBob's house. He enters SpongeBob's room and spins Gary around.]

Gary: [groans as he is annoyed with Squidward; he goes into his shell and puts earmuffs on] Meow! [Squidward jumps outside and hops on top of Patrick's rock. It is revealed that while SpongeBob and Patrick had been gone for six months, he attached their houses onto his own house and made it into his own playground. He slides back into his house through the window and finishes his song.]

Squidward: Oh, I love my two new homes. And best of all, I haven't heard from those idiots in months! [laughs until SpongeBob and Patrick squish him with the front door as they enter]

SpongeBob: Squidward. We found your brother.

Squidward: [pulls himself off to door and cruelly laughs at them] You urchin brains! I never had a brother!

SpongeBob: You do now!

Patrick: Two brothers! Us!

Squidward: What are you morons talking about?

SpongeBob: [takes Mrs. Tentacles by the hand and leads her in] Come on in, Mama.

Squidward: [stammering as he is shocked to see his mother] Ma—Mama?

Mrs. Tentacles: Isn't it lovely, dear? I've adopted your two little friends.

SpongeBob and Patrick: [hold up their adoption papers] Brothers. [Squidward begins to lose his sanity as he panics like crazy. He rubs his head until it exploded. The scene changes to a camera man preparing to take a picture of Mrs. Tentacles, Squidward, SpongeBob and Patrick.]

Camera Man: Oh, what a beautiful family—yeee. Smile! [Mrs. Tentacles, SpongeBob and Patrick smile for the camera while Squidward groans in defeat. The camera snaps a picture of the "family", thus ending the episode.]