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Editing Episode Transcript: Squilliam Returns
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==Characters== | ==Characters== | ||
| − | *[[ | + | *[[Squidward]] |
*[[Squilliam Fancyson]] | *[[Squilliam Fancyson]] | ||
| − | *[[ | + | *[[Mr. Krabs]] |
| − | *[[ | + | *[[SpongeBob]] |
| − | *[[ | + | *[[Patrick]] |
| − | *[[Krusty Krab]] | + | *[[Krusty Krab Customers]] |
==Dialogue== | ==Dialogue== | ||
| − | |||
| − | + | Squidward: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. (looking at his watch while SpongeBob is mopping the floor) I’m done with my shift, Mr. Krabs! And let me just say, there will come a day when I will make something of my life and I will never have to set foot in this grease trap again! (a crowd of people stand up and cheer behind him)<br> | |
| − | + | Mr. Krabs: Yeah, we’ll see you after your lunch break, Squidward.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Ok. (walks out)<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: (talking to a group of people) So, I just took my private yacht across my private lake to my private heliport. | |
| + | It’s the only way off my private island.<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: (gasps) Oh, shrimp! It’s my arch rival from high school, Squilliam Fancyson! I can’t let him see me in my | |
| − | Krusty Krab uniform. (takes off his hat and is about to put it in the trashcan) | + | Krusty Krab uniform. (takes off his hat and is about to put it in the trashcan)<br> |
| − | + | Squilliam: On your lunch break, eh, Squiddy?<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Yes...I mean no...I mean...uhh, uhh, hey, whatcha been up to?(worried and sweating)<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: Oh, just succeeding in everything you’ve failed in.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: You are no great shakes, Squilliam Fancyson. Anyone can be a big shot in a hick town like Bikini Bottom.<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: Oh, is that so? Let’s hear what you’ve accomplished since high school, Squiddy.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: (thinking to himself) Don’t be intimidated, Squidward. Try to imagine him in his underwear. (imagines | |
| + | Squilliam as a hot underwater model) Oh no, he’s hot! (to Squilliam) I’m, uhh, in food service.<br> | ||
| − | + | Squilliam: Hold it, don’t tell me. You’re a cashier! (laughs)<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: (thinking to himself) Don’t lie. Lying always makes it worse. (to Squilliam) I own a five-star restaurant!<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: Squidward, I had no idea you were such a success.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: That’s right.<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: And I would be honored if you would allow me to come to your restaurant… tonight. (glass breaks. Squidward's | |
| + | nose shrinks)<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: T-t-t-t-t-t-tonight?<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: In fact, we’ll all come. My treat! (group cheers. Scene cuts to Squidward in Mr. Krabs' office)<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to help me! When they get here tonight, they’re going to see I’m just a big phony | |
| − | and a loser! | + | and a loser! Mr. Krabs: Oh, boo-hoo! Let me play a sad song for you on the world’s smallest violin. (moves his fingers and |
| − | + | music plays)<br> | |
| + | Squidward: This is serious.<br> | ||
| − | + | Mr. Krabs: I know, this really is the world’s smallest violin. (violin is shown) See?<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Please let me run the restaurant for just one night! I really need to impress Squilliam.<br> | |
| − | + | Mr. Krabs: Sq-Sq-Sq-Squilliam? (Squilliam’s unibrow appears above Mr. Krabs' head) That guy who made millions doing what | |
| + | you wish you could do?<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: Don’t rub it in.<br> | |
| − | + | ||
| − | + | Mr. Krabs: Why didn’t you tell me? We’ll take him to the cleaners. (scene cuts to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs standing straight | |
| + | in a line. Squidward is walking back and forth in a white tuxedo)<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the | |
| − | + | ||
| − | + | ||
Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible. (Patrick appears next to SpongeBob with an army hat on his head) | Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible. (Patrick appears next to SpongeBob with an army hat on his head) | ||
| − | Patrick, what are you doing here? | + | Patrick, what are you doing here?<br> |
| − | + | Patrick: I thought the Corps would help me straighten out my life, sir!<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: The Corps? What the...Patrick, this isn’t the... (sighs) Beggars can’t be choosers. Can you take hats in a | |
| + | dignified and sophisticated manner?<br> | ||
| − | + | Patrick: You mean like a weenie? Ok. (talks like a weenie) May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May | |
| + | I...<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: (shuts Patrick up) Alright, I’ve heard enough. You’ve got the job. (walks off) Mr. Krabs, didn’t you once serve | |
| − | + | on the S.S. Gourmet?<br> | |
| − | + | Mr. Krabs: Aye-aye!<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Then you’ll be our chef. (Mr. Krabs walks off)<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: What can I do?<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but SpongeBob, you’re going to have to be the waiter.<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: What’s that?<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: It’s the guy who goes to tables and takes orders.<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: Do other restaurants do that?<br> | |
| − | + | ||
| − | + | Squidward: Yes, they do that! Now listen, Squilliam is on his way and you have less than twenty minutes to become a fancy | |
| + | waiter, so read this. (hands SpongeBob a book)<br> | ||
| − | + | SpongeBob: "How To Become a Fancy Waiter in Less Than 20 Minutes." Don’t worry Squidward, I’ll memorize every page, right | |
| + | down to the punctuation marks.<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: Alright, I’ve got all the positions filled. I just might pull this off!<br> | |
| − | + | ||
| − | + | Patrick: Give me that hat! (shaking a coat rack with a hat on it) I said give it to me! Are you going to hand it over or | |
| + | not? Don’t you back-sass me! (starts punching it)<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: He’s just the hat-check guy, nothing essential! (an explosion in the kitchen is heard. A bunch of green goop | |
| + | flies out) What happened? What is it?<br> | ||
| − | + | Mr. Krabs: Peas! (a can of peas, still in the can, is on the stove) Made 'em the old-fashioned way.<br> | |
| − | + | ||
| − | + | Squidward: Mr. Krabs, you gotta take them out of the... (gasps) Holy fish paste, what is that? (notices a giant goop of | |
| + | food on the grill, with flies and other things sticking out of it)<br> | ||
| − | + | Mr. Krabs: That’s the appetizer.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: But I thought you said you were the head chef on the S.S. Gourmet?<br> | |
| − | + | Mr. Krabs: Did I say that? No, I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea. | |
| + | (Squidward walks out of the kitchen)<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: There you are! SpongeBob, you gotta help me! (walks over to SpongeBob) Patrick and Mr. Krabs aren’t working out | |
| + | and Squilliam’s almost here, and, and... SpongeBob? (turns SpongeBob around. SpongeBob looks tired from reading all the | ||
| + | pages)<br> | ||
| − | + | SpongeBob: I can’t do it. I can’t do it, Squidward.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: What?<br> | |
| − | + | ||
| − | + | SpongeBob: Every sentence, every paragraph -- (slams the book on his face) Spoons! Bread! Salad! Pepper! Don’t you | |
| − | ( | + | understand? (brain starts to swell) My brain is full to bursting! If I have to memorize a single order, I think I’m going |
| − | + | to explode! (he explodes)<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: SpongeBob, hold on! Let’s just take a second here to relax. (SpongeBob lowers his arms) Little more. | |
| + | (SpongeBob lowers his arms more) Little more. (SpongeBob’s face falls to the floor) Good. Now, I want you to empty your | ||
| + | mind.<br> | ||
| − | + | SpongeBob: Empty my mind?<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Empty your mind.<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: Empty my mind.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Empty you mind of everything that doesn’t have to do with fine dining. Fine dining and breathing. (inside | |
| + | SpongeBob’s head, we see a bunch of other SpongeBob’s running around in an office)<br> | ||
| − | + | SpongeBob #1: Just got an order from the boss: Dump everything that isn’t about fine dining!<br> | |
| − | + | All: Everything?<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob #1: Everything! (everyone starts to panic and throw everything away) Come on, let’s get moving! (walks up to | |
| + | another SpongeBob) Hurry up! What do you think I’m paying you for?<br> | ||
| − | + | SpongeBob #2: You don’t pay me. We don’t even exist. We’re just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract | |
| + | concept of thought.<br> | ||
| − | + | SpongeBob #1: One more crack like that and you’re out of here!<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob #2: No, please! I have three kids! (more dumping persists. Scene cuts back to SpongeBob, with a blank look on | |
| + | his face)<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: How do you feel? SpongeBob? (snaps his tentacles as SpongeBob drools) This isn’t working! I gotta go tell | |
| + | Squilliam I need more time! (runs out the door) I’ll just go to Squilliam’s house and tell him... (stops because he sees | ||
| + | Squilliam and the group) Squilliam, you’re here!<br> | ||
| − | + | Squilliam: Hello, Squiddy! We’re all ready to be dazzled by your five-star restaurant.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Wait, Squilliam, I’ve got to explain!<br> | |
| − | + | ||
| − | + | Squilliam: Explain what? That you, Squidward Tentacles, voted most likely to suck eggs in high school, (walks in) are | |
| + | trying to pass off a lousy burger stand as a five-star... (gulps) ...restaurant? (inside of the restaurant looks very professional with nice wallpaper, an orchestra, a chandelier, and other things) Hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina... | ||
| + | (Squidward and the group start to stammer as well. SpongeBob comes in with a tuxedo on)<br> | ||
| − | + | SpongeBob: Table for Hommina? I can seat you immediately! (picks up the group of customers)<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: (whispering) How did you do all this?<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: It was easy, once I cleared my mind.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: But what about Krabs and Patrick?<br> | |
| + | |||
| + | SpongeBob: Taken care of. (Mr. Krabs and Patrick are tied up in the back) Right this way, please. (seats everyone quickly | ||
| + | then runs back to Squilliam) Good evening, sir. (gives Squilliam a menu) From our menu tonight, might I recommend the | ||
Krabby Newburg? (gives Squilliam a shoulder massage as he takes away his menu) We take the finest cuts of aged, imported | Krabby Newburg? (gives Squilliam a shoulder massage as he takes away his menu) We take the finest cuts of aged, imported | ||
kelp, stuff them with herbs from our garden, wrap them in parchment with our award-winning shallot tapenade, slow-roast | kelp, stuff them with herbs from our garden, wrap them in parchment with our award-winning shallot tapenade, slow-roast | ||
them for six hours in our wood-fired, clay-filled oven, or kiva and serve them with a garnish of wilted coral on a | them for six hours in our wood-fired, clay-filled oven, or kiva and serve them with a garnish of wilted coral on a | ||
mahogany plank. (while telling him all of this, he makes Squilliam's experience the best he can so he treats him like | mahogany plank. (while telling him all of this, he makes Squilliam's experience the best he can so he treats him like | ||
| − | royalty doing all sorts of things) | + | royalty doing all sorts of things)<br> |
| − | + | Squilliam: Mmm...this is fantastic!<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: (saluts with all the hands that helped)Thank you, sir.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Pinch me, I must be dreaming. (SpongeBob pinches him)<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: If you need anything else, just call.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: SpongeBob, I can’t thank you enough for all you’re doing!<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: Fine dining and breathing are all I know how to do. (runs off)<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: It worked. I can’t believe it! Squilliam thinks I own a five-star restaurant. Time to rub it in his face. | |
| − | (SpongeBob is combing Squilliam's unibrow) Well Squilliam, | + | (SpongeBob is combing Squilliam's unibrow) Well Squilliam, I’m waiting.<br> |
| − | + | Squilliam: Alright, I admit it. Everything is fabulous. The food, the atmosphere -- everything’s flawless!<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: In that case, I need you to read this. (hands Squilliam a card)<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: "Squidward Tentacles..."<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: (puts a foam finger on his left hand) And I need you to wear this.<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: Oh, eh, "Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest..."<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: (puts a microphone in front of Squilliam) I’m sorry, one more time. (Squilliam’s voice is over the loudspeaker)<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: "Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest restaurant in Bikini Bottom...and he does not suck eggs." (everyone cheer) Squidward, I must tell you... (SpongeBob pours more water in Squilliam's glass. Squilliam drinks it) Thank you. | |
| + | What really won me over was your brilliant waiter. It’s as if all he knows is fine dining and breathing. I must know your | ||
| + | name. (record scratches)<br> | ||
| − | + | SpongeBob: My name?<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: Yes, your name, son.<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: Uhh, Beef Wellington?<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: (chuckles) No, your name.<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: Uhh...err...the fork on the left?<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Stop joking. Tell him your name.<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob: My name? (zoom inside of SpongeBob’s brain again where all the SpongeBob’s are searching for a name)<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob #3: What's his name? What's his name? I've got nothing on a name.<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob #4: (searching on the computer) C'mon, baby, what's the name? (panicked shouting is heard as all the | |
| − | + | SpongeBob’s are running around and paper is flying)<br> | |
| − | + | SpongeBob #2: We threw out his name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (SpongeBob’s brain breaks in half causing SpongeBob to spill water on Squilliam and | |
| + | bark)<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: I am so very sorry! I don’t know what has gotten into that... (screams as he notices SpongeBob with a bowl of | |
| − | green goo | + | green goo by one of the customers)<br> |
| − | + | SpongeBob: More soup for your armpits? (holds up the customers arm and throws the soup on his armpits. The customer | |
| − | + | screams as SpongeBob runs over to another customer and grabs her head) Please enjoy the food! (slams her face into her | |
food then runs up to another customer) Would you like some cheese on that, sir? (picks up the customer and uses him on | food then runs up to another customer) Would you like some cheese on that, sir? (picks up the customer and uses him on | ||
| − | the cheese grater. Everyone screams and panics) | + | the cheese grater. Everyone screams and panics)<br> |
| − | + | Squidward: No, no! (Patrick, still tied up, runs out of the kitchen. Mr. Krabs, still tied up, runs out, also)<br> | |
| − | + | Mr. Krabs: Run for your lives, everyone! It’s the appetizer! (the appetizer, on the grill, is alive and is crawling around | |
| − | while everyone screams and panics. Squidward's tuxedo | + | while everyone screams and panics. Squidward's tuxedo ripped off and his Krusty Krab hat floats into his head and his |
| − | + | nametag appears on his shirt)<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: Well Squiddy, I’m waiting.<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Ok, I admit it, I’m a fraud! This was all a futile, pathetic attempt to impress you. This isn’t really my | |
| − | restaurant. | + | restaurant. I’m just a cashier!<br> |
| − | + | Squilliam: Squidward, I understand. I have a confession to make myself. I made everything up about my life. I have no | |
| − | yachts, jets, or anything. I was only trying to impress you. The horrible, sad truth is, | + | yachts, jets, or anything. I was only trying to impress you. The horrible, sad truth is, I’m a cashier too! (starts to |
| + | cry. Mr. Krabs plays the violin)<br> | ||
| − | + | Squidward: Is that true?<br> | |
| − | + | Squilliam: Of course not! I’m filthy stinking rich! Come on, everyone. Let’s all take a ride in my balloon/casino! | |
| − | (everyone cheers and follows Squilliam. The wallpaper in the Krusty Krab rips off. Squidward sits down and sighs) | + | (everyone cheers and follows Squilliam. The wallpaper in the Krusty Krab rips off. Squidward sits down and sighs)<br> |
| − | + | SpongeBob: (walks over with a bag of ice on his head) I got such a headache. What’s going on with you?<br> | |
| − | + | Squidward: Oh, the usual. (Mr. Krabs walks over and plays the violin) Would you get out of here? | |
{{Transcripts/Season 3}} | {{Transcripts/Season 3}} | ||
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[[Category:Transcript]] | [[Category:Transcript]] | ||
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 3]] | [[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 3]] | ||
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| + | {{Slogan}} | ||
