Editing Episode Transcript: Snail Mail

[The episode opens up outside of SpongeBob's house.]

French Narrator: Ahh, a happy pineapple under the sea. Let's take a peek inside, shall we?
[Inside SpongeBob's house, SpongeBob is sitting on his chair, feeling bored.]

French Narrator: You will notice that the sponge is bored, because his best friend Patrick is away.
[SpongeBob slides onto the floor.]

SpongeBob: Ohh!
[He picks up Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy magazine.]

SpongeBob: Hmm... what's this?
[Reading the pen pal article.]

SpongeBob: All alone? No one to talk to? Why not write to a total stranger? Connect with other Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Pen Pals Today! Oh, I've never had a pen pal!
[SpongeBob pulls out a paper and a pencil from his head. He sharpens his pencil with his teeth like a pencil sharpener. He lays on the floor and begins writing on the paper.]

SpongeBob: Hmm... "Dear Pen Pal, my name is SpongeBob SquarePants..." Oh, that's great! "I work at a restaurant. I love frying and I'm very good at it. Sincerely, your new best friend!" Behold, the perfect letter! Now for the envelope.
[SpongeBob leaps over Gary and runs into the kitchen to get an envelope. However, when he came back, Gary is slithering slime all over his letter.]

SpongeBob: Gary, get off of that! You'll spot my masterpiece!

Gary: Meow, meow.
[Gary slithers away. SpongeBob picks up his letter, now covered in slime.]
French Narrator: Uh-oh. It looks as if the domesticated snail has unintentionally deformed the word "Frying." Making it look like the word "Flying." This is probably going to be a problem later on.

SpongeBob: Nah, it's just a little slime.
[SpongeBob puts the slimy letter in the envelope and seals it with his tongue.]

SpongeBob: Ah, perfect!

French Narrator: 4 to 6 days later...
[The mailfish, Norton, comes to SpongeBob's house and opens the mailbox to deliver his letter. When he opens it, SpongeBob sticks out his tongue and Norton puts his letter in SpongeBob's mouth. Norton closes the mailbox and sighs as he walks off. SpongeBob bursts out of his mailbox and runs inside his house. SpongeBob opens the envelope and begins the read.]

SpongeBob: "Dear SpongeBob, Wow! You know how to fly?" Fly? What does he mean by... [gasps]

French Narrator: See? What did I tell you?

SpongeBob: Gary, my pen pal thinks I can fly!

Gary: Meow?

SpongeBob: Ha! What a silly misunderstanding. "I can't believe I know a real life pilot! I wish I could watch you fly, because I am dying!" [gasps] Dying?! Not Pen Pal!

Madame: (sobs)

I'm so blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo hoo.

I'm so blue I don't know what to do!

Bob and Larry: She's so blue...

Madame Blueberry: I'm so blue.

Bob, Larry and Madame Blueberry: ...She's/I'm so blue hoo hoo hoo. She's/I'm so blue she/I don't know what to do!

Madame Blueberry: (sobs)

Jean-Claude: (voiceover) This was the course of a typical morning. [Gary slithers to Madame Blueberry with a box of tissues. Madame Blueberry then blows her nose with the entire box of tissues, filling it up with her green snot.]  The things that Madame Blueberry had did not make her happy, so she would gaze at the mantel of pictures, and cry for the things she wanted. She was a very blueberry. Her butlers would try to help her, but this did no good.

SpongeBob: I don't want to let him down and say that I can't fly! 'Cause then, his dying wish will never come true!
[SpongeBob imagines his pen pal's funeral.]

Priest: We're gathered here today to celebrate the life of Pen Pal. He died disappointed.
[The four mailfish dump the carcass of Pen Pal into a mailbox and salutes him. The mailbox sinks into the ground as lightning flashes the sky. SpongeBob's imagination ends. SpongeBob comes up with an idea and jumps on his chair.]

SpongeBob: Time to make Pen Pal's wish come true with a tiny white lie!
[SpongeBob pulls out another piece of paper and a pencil and begins writing a letter.]

SpongeBob: "Dearest Pen Pal, yes, I can fly! Boy, do I love flying! Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly!"

French Narrator: 4 to 6 more days later...
[The mailfish, Norton, comes to SpongeBob's house and opens the mail slot to deliver his letter. When he opens it, SpongeBob sticks out his tongue and Norton puts his letter in SpongeBob's mouth. Norton closes the mail slot and sighs as he walks off. SpongeBob opens the envelope with his nose and begins the read.]

SpongeBob: "Dear SpongeBob, I'll be at the Bikini Bottom Air Show tomorrow. Please meet me there so I can finally see you fly?!" [screams] Oh no! What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? I can't fly, Gary! I'm not a flier! I'm a liar!
[SpongeBob freaks out and runs all over his house in panic. Gary throws water at SpongeBob to calm him down.]

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Good thinking, Gary. [wrings himself out] Sandy will know just what to do.
[The scene changes to Sandy's Treedome. Inside, Sandy is working on one of her inventions.]

Sandy: What can I do ya for, SquarePants?

SpongeBob: I did a bad thing, Sandy! I did a very bad thing!
[Sandy gives SpongeBob a pair of underpants.]

Sandy: Here. Take these. They're clean.

SpongeBob: No, no. It's not that. It's... it's...
[SpongeBob hyperventilates himself and frantically takes off his water helmet.]

SpongeBob: I lied! [puts his helmet back on and fills it up with his tears] I lied! I lied! I lied! I lied! I lied! [pulls his pants up in embarrassment]

Sandy: Relax, SpongeBob. You're twitchin' like a prairie dog on a cow-skin rug.

SpongeBob: Uh, what on a which?

Sandy: What's got your behind a-buzzin'?

SpongeBob: By who I've a where's in?

Sandy: [sighs] What did you lie about, SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob feels hesitant about telling Sandy about his lie. But he eventually gives in. He takes a deep breath and as talks to her, bubbles foam around his helmet.]

SpongeBob: Well, there was this big misunderstanding and now my pen pal thinks I can fly! And I don't think I ever mean it, but now I have to! He doesn't see me fly and I don't know how! If I don't fly, he'll die disappointed! I made a horrible mistake, Sandy! Please help!
[SpongeBob inhales the bubbles in his mouth and belches.]

Sandy: Well, it ain't no lie if you actually learn how to fly. And I can help you with that!

SpongeBob: Really?

Sandy: Sure.
[The scene changes to Sandy putting SpongeBob in a flight training machine.]

SpongeBob: Seatbelt, check. Controls, check.
[Sandy turns on her machine. On the screen, it shows a video game version of an airplane getting ready to fly. As SpongeBob begins his flight training, the airplane on the screen starts flying.]

Sandy: Proper take off, check. How are ya doing in there?

SpongeBob: Oh, I'm good.
[SpongeBob continues his training until he sees his pineapple house.]

SpongeBob: Oh, there's my house!
[SpongeBob parachutes off and goes inside his house.]

SpongeBob: Oops. I've forgot to feed Gary.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Oh, hi Gary.
[The airplane crash lands near SpongeBob's house and the screen shows Game Over.]

Sandy: [sighs] Failed. Alright, let's try that again! SpongeBob? Hmm?
[Sandy turns and sees her flight training machine severely damaged and SpongeBob is no where in sight. The scene changes to SpongeBob in a wooden airplane tied up with a rope.]

Sandy: Alright, SpongeBob. I tied ya up to a rope so you won't be able to go too far off course.
[Sandy turns the propeller.]

Sandy: Contact!
[SpongeBob's wooden airplane lifts into the air and starts to fly.]

SpongeBob: [laughs] I'm doing it! I'm actually doing it! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
[As the wooden airplane flies around in a circle, the rope starts to ravel around the pole, getting the airplane tangled on it.]

SpongeBob: Did I do it?

Sandy: Hmm. Good enough.
[Sandy stamps the word "Ready" on her checklist. The scene changes to the Bikini Bottom Air Show where pilots are preparing to entertain the audience with their planes. SpongeBob walks into the arena with a pilot suit on and is ready to perform in the show. He sees an old man on a wheel chair, coughing. SpongeBob rushes over to meet him.]

SpongeBob: Hey, you must be Pen Pal!

Frail Fish: [coughs]

SpongeBob: What an honor it is to finally meet you! Oh, you pretty, pretty pen pal you.
Frail Fish: Hmm? [coughs]

SpongeBob: I just wanted to say that today... Today... [reads the writing on his hand] "Today is the first day of the rest of your life. I promise to fly to the best of my ability just for you." Oh, I will not let you down.

Frail Fish: [coughs and then punches his chest]
[SpongeBob punches his chest as if he believes that he is putting his hand on his heart.]

SpongeBob: My heart is full too, Pen Pal. [sniffs] My heart is full too.
[SpongeBob runs back to the starting line. The old man coughs up a Krabby Patty that had been stuck in his throat.]

Frail Fish: Whew! That was a close one! What was that guy talking about? [eats Krabby Patty]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! Feast your eyes upon one daring, death-defying, the Polaris, the incredible, flying sponge!
[The audience cheers]

SpongeBob: Take off. Don't die. Fly a few seconds lower to the ground. Don't die. Slam. Don't die. So simple.
[Something taps SpongeBob on his shoulder. SpongeBob turns around and sees a strange figure that looked like the grim reaper. SpongeBob shrieks.]

Steve: [uncovers his hood] Steve's the name and scythes on the game! You need a scythe? Steve's got ya covered! One scythe fits all!

Sandy: Get outta here, Steve!

Steve: [walks away] Oh, I gotta say in it.

SpongeBob: Sandy, I'm nervous.
[Sandy gives SpongeBob a pair of underpants.]

SpongeBob: No, it's still not that.

Sandy: Don't worry, SpongeBob. You'll be, uh, just fine. Yeah.
[Sandy backs away and walks over to a group of firefighters and paramedics.]

Sandy: Get ready, boys! The bronco is loose! I repeat, the bronco is loose!

SpongeBob: [looks at the control panel in nervousness] Just fine.
[SpongeBob presses several buttons and the plane begins to warm up.]

SpongeBob: Pen Pal, this one's for you.
[SpongeBob's plane drives down the runway and slowly begins to take off. SpongeBob pulls down the lever and the plane starts to fly. The audience cheers in astonishment.]

SpongeBob: Whoo-hoo! I'm flying! Yee-haw!
[Suddenly, to SpongeBob's surprise, Patrick is running on the runway below him.]

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! I can't believe you can actually fly like you said in your letter!

SpongeBob: Patrick? You're Pen Pal?

Patrick: [laughs] Duh! [laughs]

SpongeBob: But... but you said you were dying! You're not dying!


Patrick: Dying? Oh, oh! You didn't read the whole letter!

SpongeBob: [pulls out the letter] See? It says, "I wish I could watch you fly because I am dying!"
Patrick: [pulls out his second letter] And here's the second page! "To see you as a real pilot, SpongeBob. Here are some other things I like to see: candy rain, a firetruck full of clowns, and... a bunch of other stuff."
SpongeBob: It all makes sense now! [laughs] Oh, Patrick! [laughs]

Patrick: [laughs as his letter slips off his hands] You thought I was dying!
[As SpongeBob laughs, Patrick's second half of his letter flies into SpongeBob's face. SpongeBob screams in fear and he accidentally makes to plane fly out of control. The plane's wing scoops Patrick up and Patrick falls into the cockpit. The plane turns around and gets its landing gear caught on a candy stand. SpongeBob continues to scream until Patrick takes the letter off SpongeBob's face.]

Patrick: Watch out!
[SpongeBob's sees that his plane is flying straight towards Sandy, the firefighters and the paramedics. SpongeBob desperately tries to control the plane and makes it fly upwards. The plane is now flying upside down and begins to rain candy from the candy stand as the firefighters gives a chase.]

Patrick: Candy rain, check!
[The plane then flies towards a food vendor with two children. The kids and the vendor ran away and the plane flies upwards. The candy stand hits the ice cream stand and splatters ice cream all over Sandy and the firefighters, making them appear with clown faces.]

Patrick: Firetruck clowns, check!
[The plane then flies into a flower-shaped cloud and bounces back and forth. The plane then spirals out of control and flies directly into a first class airplane.]

SpongeBob: Excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, pardon me, excuse me!
[SpongeBob's plane comes out of the first class airplane. The airplane splits into two halves.]
Passengers and crew: Heave-ho!
[The passengers and crew pulls the airplane back in place.]

Patrick: Fly first class, check!
[SpongeBob's plane turns around. SpongeBob and Patrick gasps in horror when they see the plane's left wing is falling apart.]

SpongeBob: Ah, something's wrong with the plane! Here, take the controls!
[SpongeBob jumps out of the cockpit and goes to fix the wing.]

Patrick: Take what now?
[Patrick grabs on the handle. SpongeBob fixes the wing and the plane continues to fly out of control. The plane then scoops up Abigail Marge, who is playing tennis with Sadie, and Perry, who is acting as referee. The firetruck with Sandy and the firefighters continues chasing after SpongeBob's plane. SpongeBob and Abigail play tennis as the plane continues to fly. SpongeBob hits the tennis ball and accidentally breaks Abigail's racket.]

Perry: Match point, SpongeBob.

Patrick: Whoo-hoo! Check and check!
SpongeBob: [laughs] Hey, Patrick. Who's flying the plane?!

Patrick: I am!
[SpongeBob runs back into the cockpit.]

Patrick: No, wait.
[SpongeBob and Patrick both hop in the cockpit. The plane begins to break down and shakes Abigail and Perry off. Sandy and the firefighters catch Perry and Abigail with a safety net. The plane flies around and is now driven off course.]

SpongeBob: Hold on! We're going down!
[SpongeBob's plane breaks down and descends downward. SpongeBob and Patrick scream in terror. But just as the plane is about to hit the ground, it stops in midair. SpongeBob and Patrick stop screaming. SpongeBob sees that the plane's gas tank is completely empty.]

SpongeBob: Whew! We ran out of gas.

Patrick: Uh, don't worry! I've got this! [fills SpongeBob's plane with gas] Yep!
[SpongeBob's plane starts up again and smashes into the ground. Sandy and the firefighters arrive and try to put out the fire caused by the plane crash. SpongeBob and Patrick exit the plane unharmed.]

Patrick: Thanks for helping me finish my list, SpongeBob.
[Sandy gives SpongeBob a pair of underpants. This time, SpongeBob takes it.]

SpongeBob: Patrick, it was my pleasure.

Patrick: Really? Well, if you don't mind, I have a couple of other things I'd like to see. [pulls out his list]

SpongeBob: Let's hear 'em.

Patrick: [reads list] "An edible balloon, a skateboarding snail, a tower of loose meat that tastes like ice cream, some ghosts..."
[As SpongeBob and Patrick walk off into the sunset, Sandy and the firefighters struggle to put out the fire while two planes and a blimp fly around in the sky and people running around in panic, thus ending the episode.]