Episode Transcript: Plankton's Army

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Episode Article: Plankton's Army

Characters

• SpongeBob SquarePants
• Squidward Tentacles
• Mr. Krabs
• Plankton
• Karen
• Clem

(scene opens up on a shot of the Krusty Krab)
Narrator: Ah, the Krusty Krab. Home of the delicious Krabby Patty and its super-secret recipe. (Mr. Krabs appears)

Mr. Krabs: Attention, Krusty Krab crew! All hands report immediately!

Spongebob: (runs up) Fry cook Spongebob reporting, sir!

Squidward: (wakes from behind the cash register; yawns) What's all the yelling about?

Mr. Krabs: Today is the 25th anniversary of the first time me arch-enemy Plankton ever tried to steal me secret Krabby Patty formula.
(scene flashes back to Mr. Krabs and Plankton)

Plankton: Can I have the secret formula?

Mr. Krabs: No.

Plankton: Okay. (walks away)

Mr. Krabs: (voiceover) But he was persistent!

Plankton: (comes back) Pretty please?

Mr. Krabs: Uh-uh.
(scene cuts to Plankton holding a costume behind his back)

Mr. Krabs: He used disguises! (Plankton laughs and pulls a cockroach costume over himself; Mr. Krabs's leg squishes him) Super science! (Plankton drips a droplet of chemical into a test tube and drinks it; he is surrounded in a pink cloud and appears as a cockroach; Mr. Krabs's leg squishes him) Civil disobedience! (Plankton is marching, holding a picket sign that states "I am not a roach"; Mr. Krabs's leg squishes him; scene cuts back to the Krusty Krab with Squidward, Spongebob, and Mr. Krabs) And I always came out on top!

Squidward: (sarcastically) Fascinating.

Mr. Krabs: But thousands of failures have made him crafty, so keep your eyes open! (Mr. Krabs's eyes bulge out, and he moves them right to left) You'll never know what trick he'll use to steal me secret Krabby Patty formula.

Robot: (walks into the Krusty Krab, speaks in robotic voice) What a quaint restaurant. I think I will sample their wares.

Spongebob: Ooh, how weird! A machine made to look like a customer.

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob. Why don't you go hose out the men's room?

Spongebob: With pleasure, sir!

Mr. Krabs: (moves Squidward out of the way) I'll take this one. (to the robot) Welcome to the Krusty Krab, sir. May I help you?

Robot: Yes please. I'd like an order of chili coral bits.

Mr. Krabs: (loses fake grin he had on) You sure you don't want a Krabby Patty?

Robot: No thank you. (holds up dollar bill) Will this cover it?

Mr. Krabs: Uh, sure. (grabs dollar and hands the robot a paper bag) Here you go.

Robot: (takes the bag and walks toward the door; using green laser beams, it melts the doorway and walks through) Good day.

Mr. Krabs: Hm. I was sure it was one of Plankton's tricks. Well, at least his money's good. (laughs; the dollar bill center pops open and Plankton jumps out)

Plankton: AH-HAH!

Mr. Krabs: Plankton! You knew I would never distrust a dollar!

Plankton: That's right, Krabs. Now hand over the secret Krabby Patty formula!

Mr. Krabs: Or what?

Plankton: ....I don't know. I never thought I'd get this far.

Mr. Krabs: Well then, allow me to suggest your next move. (scene cuts to a toilet being flushed; Plankton screams as he swirls around in the water)

Plankton: Curse you, Kra-a-abs! (he disappears in the pipes)

Mr. Krabs: (laughs) And now for the chaser! (scene cuts to manhole outside of the Chum Bucket; Plankton pops up out of the manhole, gasping for breath; he jumps out)

Plankton: You just wait, Krabs! Next time I'll.... ah, who am I kidding? At least I can go home to a wife who understands. (scene cuts to inside the Chum Bucket)

Karen: So? Tell me what happened.

Plankton: I don't want to talk about it.

Karen: Talking will make you feel better.

Plankton: Leave me alone.

Karen: That's your problem. You never let anyone in. Plankton the rock, Plankton the loner....

Plankton: And she's off, ladies and gentlemen.

Karen: ....and that's why everything you try ends up like this.... (Karen's screen shows Plankton laughing, about to pull a lever; Mr. Krabs' leg squashes him) and like this.... (Karen's screen shows Plankton laughing, holding a rubber duck over his head; Mr. Krabs' leg squashes him) and more recently, like this. (Karen's screen shows a toilet with a flushing noise)

Plankton: (whimpering, starts bawling) I'm a failure!

Karen: It's not that bad! You just require a little help. Maybe some henchmen....

Plankton: Henchmen?

Karen: Yes, what you need to do is surround yourself with muscular tough guys who'll do whatever you say.

Plankton: I like the sound of that. I'll canvas all the seediest lowbrow dives in town to find my minions. And I know just how to speak their language! (scene cuts to a dim club with muscular tough guys playing pool; Plankton stands at the door) Felicitations, malefactors! I am endeavoring to misappropriate the formulary for the preparation of affordable comestibles. Who will join me!? (scene cuts to Plankton sitting in a wheelchair in the Chum Bucket with a cast and bandages) I don't get it. No matter what I do, I always end up being squashed by someone bigger than me.

Karen: Oh, come on. I think you're overreacting. (as Karen talks, a robotic hand comes out of a panel and pats Plankton, then squashes him) Sorry.

Plankton: That's okay. I'm no different than the millions of other Plankton in the sea. (while Plankton talks, he "assembles" himself together, sticking his eye on, putting his arm in the socket, and matching his legs which are labeled "left leg" and "right leg" in their appropriate sockets) The Plankton family has always been pushed around and stepped on. Wait! That's it! Acting alone, we're powerless, but united, the Plankton family could be a real pain in the fanny! (he appears with a phone book and slams it on the ground) Krabs may think one Plankton is no problem, but let's see him take on two, or ten, or a hundred, or a thousand! (scene cuts to Plankton "dialing" a number, which is him jumping on the buttons; cuts to Plankton running from the receiver of the phone to the speaker; cuts to Plankton writing a letter to a family member; cuts to Plankton running with his tongue moistening the adhesive on an envelope; cuts to Plankton in a red airplane, skywriting "CALLING ALL PLANKTON", but a fish sitting on a bench sneezes and blows away the skywriting; cuts to a montage of differently dressed Plankton) But why stop there? I'll gather every family member from every corner of the ocean. The entire Plankton family under one roof! Krabs won't stand a chance against the staggering intellect of a million super-smart criminal masterminds! (doorbell rings) THEY'RE HERE! Welcome, brethren! (Plankton runs to the door and opens it with a big grin, which quickly fades into a look of disgust and disbelief; he sees a huge group of hick, hillbilly family members playing music; one of them begins to speak)

Clem: (hick drawl) Hey, look everybody! It's cousin Plankton!

All: YEE-HAW!

Plankton: I've been away from home longer than I thought.
(Clem runs up and shakes Plankton's hand)

Clem: (hick drawl) Well, howdy, cousin! (Plankton stares at his hand, which is dripping after his cousin shook it)

Plankton: Uh....

Clem: It's me, Clem. 'A course you remember Zeke, Rufus, Jeke, Billy Bob, Billy Jim, Billy Billy Bo Willy Banana Fana Fo Filly, Toad, Enis.... (Clem continues introducing the rest of the family; Plankton is crawling on the ground)

Plankton: ALL RIGHT! I GET IT! I mean, uh, come inside. Make yourself at home. (scene cuts to the family inside the Chum Bucket, standing in front of Karen) I'd like you to meet my computer wife, Karen.

Clem: (whistles from the back of the group) Golly, she sure is purdy, Sheldon.

Karen: Sheldon?!

Plankton: (annoyed) Yes, that's my first name. (Karen cracks up; Plankton keeps an angry face)

Karen: Sheldon? (laughing)

Plankton: (still has an annoyed face) Will you please-!

Karen: (still laughing) Sorry!

Plankton: All right, as I was saying.... (Karen starts laughing) Okay, we all know Sheldon's a funny name.

Karen: (laughing) Okay, okay. I'm done. No more.

Plankton: Good. Ahem, to continue. (turns away from Karen; he doesn't see the screen that she brings down behind him; the word "SHELDON" appears on the screen) Only you can bring honor.... (the family laughs; Plankton turns around to look at the screen; it is blank) ....and dignity.... (the word "SHELDON" with a finger pointing at Plankton appears; the group laughs, and Plankton turns to look at the screen, which is now blank) ....back to the Plankton name. (as soon as Plankton speaks, another "SHELDON" sign appears with an arrow pointing at Plankton; he turns around to look at the screen and is trembling with fury; as he starts to speak, another "SHELDON" sign appears) For years, it has been my goal to acquire the secret formula for.... (Plankton turns around and points at the sign) AHA! (he runs to the outlet and unplugs it) OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH! (Karen says "Sheldon!" one last time before losing power; Plankton runs in front of Karen's screen) Bottom line: we invade the Krusty Krab so I can steal the secret formula. What do you think?

Family Member 1: But what's in it for us? (the family roars in agreement)

Plankton: Well, what do you want?

Family Member 2: Gawrsh. Can I get a new string for my banjo? (holds up a banjo with one string)

Family Member 3: And another boot to match this'n? (holds up foot with a boot on it)

Family Member 4: (holds up laptop) And some more memory for my laptop!

Clem: And what about root beer?

All: ROOT BEER??!!!

Plankton: Help me get the secret formula and you can have as much root beer as you can drink! (the group cheers) Victory, thy name is Plankton! (Plankton turns to face the cheering crowd; on his back is a note taped on with the word "Sheldon" )
(scene cuts to the Krusty Krab; Squidward and Mr. Krabs are at the register)

Mr. Krabs: Well, Mr. Squidward, it's almost closing time, and we haven't seen eye or antennae of ol' Plankton for hours. Yes, sir, I think this time, he's finally given up for....

Plankton: (over megaphone) Attention Krusty Krab management! This is your better speaking.

Mr. Krabs: What?! (Plankton is standing outside the Krusty Krab with a megaphone)

Plankton: (over megaphone) I have the restaurant surrounded. Give me the secret formula or I'll destroy the Krusty Krab!
(Mr. Krabs and Squidward run outside to Plankton)

Mr. Krabs: Ah, you and what army, bug?

Plankton: What army? What army?! Look around you, Krabs! (scene pans out to show the Krusty Krab surrounded by something green)

Mr. Krabs: You planted grass?

Plankton: GRASS? (starts laughing maniacally, joined by his family)

Mr. Krabs: Uh-oh. (Mr. Krabs and Squidward run into the Krusty Krab with the Plankton family behind them; within the Krusty Krab are shaking and thudding noises, as if in a fight; scene cuts to Mr. Krabs's face) You'll never get away with it, Plankton. (Mr. Krabs is in the toilet, with only his head exposed, surrounded by Plankton)

Plankton: You're right. The pipes are much too narrow. Besides, what I really want is the Krabby Patty formula.

Mr. Krabs: Well, you might as well forget it. The formula is locked away in me safe, and I'll never give ya the combination. (laughs)

Plankton: Silence! (Plankton jumps on the flushing lever and sends Mr. Krabs spinning around) I think you'll find we're more than capable of figuring it out for ourselves. Oh, boys? (Plankton snaps his finger and his family assembles into a giant human hand and ear; they twist the lock, figuring out the combination) That's it, a little to the left....

Mr. Krabs: Curse you Plankton, and your ability to join together to form a working human ear!
(the family opens the safe and inside is the secret formula in a bottle)

Plankton: Hot dog! (Plankton hops up the stairs to the formula) Yes. It's mine! The formula's mine. After all these years, it's finally mine! (Plankton pulls the cork from the bottle and smells it as if it were champagne; he pulls the formula out of the bottle) Let it be known that on this day, I, Sheldon J. Plankton, single-handedly overthrew the Krusty Krab!

Family: AHEM.

Plankton: Eh, and, of course, I had a little help from the family. (goes back to Mr. Krabs, who is still stuck in the toilet)

Mr. Krabs: Plankton, wait. You can't look at the formula.

Plankton: Begging won't help.

Mr. Krabs: I'm telling you, you won't be able to handle the truth. There are some things in this world that weren't meant for mortal eyes.

Plankton: Eye.

Mr. Krabs: Eye.

Plankton: I don't care. Drum roll please! (Plankton rolls himself a drum roll and runs to Mr. Krabs's office, where a book labeled "Recipe for a Krabby Patty" sits on Mr. Krabs's desk) Finally, after all these years, I'm about to find out what makes a Krabby Patty taste so good. (opens book) The secret recipe for one Krabby Patty is.... a pinch of salt....

Mr. Krabs: Plankton! Wait!

Plankton: (turns page) Three teaspoons of chopped onions....

Mr. Krabs: I'm warning ya....!

Plankton: (turns page) A cup of love....

Mr. Krabs: Don't do it!

Plankton:....mixed together with the most important ingredient of all.... four heaping pounds of freshly ground.... (turns page) Plankton?? (Plankton stares wide eyed at the formula and looks at Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: I warned ya. (Plankton runs screaming hysterically all the way back to the Chum Bucket; back in the Krusty Krab, the book falls on the ground and the family reads the recipe and gasps; they all run screaming while Mr. Krabs laughs, except for Clem) Hey, why ain't you running?

Clem: Well, I can't read.

Mr. Krabs: Get out of here!
(Clem runs away laughing goofily while Mr. Krabs gets himself out of the toilet; Squidward rubs his head and comes out of the toilet as well; Spongebob arrives)

Spongebob: Hey guys. Did I miss anything? (Squidward picks up the formula)

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, is this really the secret ingredient for the Krabby Patty?

Mr. Krabs: Of course not! And Plankton will probably figure that out and be back again to find out what the real formula is. But don't worry, boys, the formula's safe from harm. I got it hidden in me most secret hiding place, a place no one, not even Plankton, would ever figure out. (Mr. Krabs starts laughing and hopping up and down)

Squidward: Let me guess. It's at home, under your mattress.

Mr. Krabs: (gasps and runs to his house, screaming) Curse you, Squidward!