Episode Transcript: The Camping Episode

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Episode Article: The Camping Episode

Characters

• SpongeBob SquarePants
• Patrick Star
• Squidward Tentacles

Squidward's House

Squidward: Ah, finally, the weekend is here. And this isn't just any old weekend. This is the weekend that SpongeBob and Patrick go camping. (gestures at "Dance Quarterly" calendar at a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick on the calendar) Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the woods and never came back?
SpongeBob: (in Squidward's thought bubble) Patrick, I'm scared!
Squidward: Ho-ho, that would be great! (gets in bed) You've waited a long time for this. A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no... (imitates SpongeBob's laugh. When he stops, he can hear SpongeBob's laughter) What the...?

Conch Street

Squidward(goes outside and sees SpongeBob and Patrick in a tent in his backyard) SpongeBob, aren't you two supposed to be camping?
SpongeBob: We are camping.
Squidward: SpongeBob, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house.
SpongeBob: Aww, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city folk are safe in their beds reading books, we're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature. You wanna join us?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Ok. Have fun inside. (Squidward leaves then comes back)
Squidward: What do you mean, "have fun inside"?
SpongeBob: Just... have fun inside. See you tomorrow.
Squidward: Oh. Bye. (leaves then comes back again) You little sneak! I see what you're doing!
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: Don't think I can't see what you're doing!
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: You're saying I can't take it!
SpongeBob: But all I...
Squidward: You're saying I'm soft! You think your little "have fun inside" challenge is gonna make me come camping with you, but that is never gonna happen! There's no way I'm gonna sit out here all night with you two losers! So, get used to it! (leaves)
SpongeBob: Ok. Have fun inside. (Squidward comes back and yells at them)
Squidward: That's it! I'm in! I'll show you camping. (runs inside his house)
SpongeBob: (to Patrick) Squidward's gonna come camping with us. (both giggle while Squidward comes back with a big backpack on)
Squidward: Now you'll see how a real... (falls forward into the sand from the heavy backpack) ...outdoorsman does it! (crawls out from under the backpack and gets out a cylinder looking bag) Here we are-- my remote-controlled, self-assembling tent. Watch and learn. (SpongeBob takes out binoculars while Patrick gets out a notepad and a pair glasses. Squidward throws the bag in the air then gets out the remote and pushes the button. The bag explodes and the tent, sticks, and rope fall on the ground)
SpongeBob: That was great, Squidward, but how do you get inside?
Patrick: Yeah, it's all crushy-looking.
Squidward: It isn't put up yet, you idiots! (starts to mess with his tent but tears it) Huh?
SpongeBob: Customization.
Patrick: Genius. (Squidward beats the tent with a wooden stake)
SpongeBob: He's tenderizing the ground!
Patrick: Of course! (Squidward gets tangled in the rope)
SpongeBob: Write that down, write that down! (Patrick is playing tic-tac-toe instead of writing notes. Squidward kicks the pile of things and it magically becomes a tent)
Squidward: Huh? Voilá! (the tent collapses so Squidward rolls it up out of the way and brings back a sleeping bag) But what could compare to just lying out under the stars? (SpongeBob and Patrick applaud) Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are gonna stew up some twigs and rocks, right?
SpongeBob: Nope, we've got something even better-- Marshmallows. (takes out a bag of marshmallows and eats one) Mmm-mm. Just like the astronauts eat. (Patrick has a fishbowl over his head and he imitates static)
Patrick: Patrick to SpongeBob. Patrick to SpongeBob. Do you read me? Over. (SpongeBob has a fishbowl over his head and imitates static)
SpongeBob: SpongeBob to Patrick. I read you. Over.
Patrick: (imitates static) Patrick to SpongeBob. I like going (imitates static) Over.
SpongeBob: (imitates static) SpongeBob to Patrick. (imitates static) Me too. (both imitate static back and forth for a bit)
SpongeBob: (imitates static) SpongeBob to Patrick, help yourself. Over.
Patrick: (grabs a marshmallow) Yummy! (takes the marshmallow and jams it in his mouth, through the fishbowl, breaking it) Patrick to SpongeBob. The deliciousness has landed!
Squidward: Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows, but I'm gonna have a can of Swedish Barnacle Balls (holds up the can in his hand) just as soon as I can get my can opener.
SpongeBob: But Squidward, didn't you take a can opener when you hiked out here?
Squidward: Why would I bother? We're ten feet from my house.
SpongeBob: But this is the wilderness! It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit.
Patrick: Pretty weenie.
Squidward: All right. All right. Gimme a marshmallow. (Squidward begins roasting his marshmallow until Patrick's marshmallow catches on fire and he blows it on Squidward's face. Squidward begins roasting his marshmallow until Patrick's marshmallow catches on fire and he blows it on Squidward's face again. After 2 shots, Squidward ducks a third shot and laughs. The marshmallow flies back into Squidward's head) Ok. Besides spitting molten food stuffs at me, what else do you do for fun?
SpongeBob: Well... after a long day of camping, it's nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing campfire song.

Music: "The Campfire Song Song"

I call this one "The Campfire Song Song".

Let's gather 'round the campfire
And sing our campfire song
Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong
But it'll help if you just sing along
Bum bum bum

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong
But it'll help if you just sing along

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song
Patrick!
SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E...
Squidward! (silence) Good!

It'll help...it'll help...
If you just sing along!
Oh yeah!!

SpongeBob: Ahh, now, wasn't that relaxing?
Squidward: No. This is relaxing. (holds up his clarinet and plays "Michael, Row The Board Ashore")
SpongeBob: Oh no! I'll save you, Squidward. (picks up a marshmallow and uses a slingshot to shoot in the clarinet and into Squidward's throat) Squidward, are you all right? That's it, chew, chew, and swallow. There, better?
Squidward: Better? I was just fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!
SpongeBob: But I had to. It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness! It might attract... a sea bear.
Squidward: A sea bear? You mean like the ones that... don't exist!
SpongeBob: What are you saying?
Squidward: There's no such thing. They're just a myth.
SpongeBob: Oh no, Squidward, sea bears are all too real. It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer. (holds up the magazine)
Squidward: (reads cover) "I Married a Sea Bear?"
Patrick: Yeah, and Fake Science Monthly. (holds up the magazine)
Squidward: (reads cover) "Sea Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real?" That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Patrick: Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb.
SpongeBob: Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin...
Squidward: You're right! I should be more careful. In fact, why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the sea bears away?
SpongeBob: Ok, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.
Squidward: Ok. Then what?
Spongebob: Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast.
Patrick: Flashlights are their natural prey.
Squidward: You're kidding.
SpongeBob: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.
Patrick: Yeah.
Squidward: Go on.
SpongeBob: Don't ever eat cheese.
Squidward: Sliced or cubed? (SpongeBob & Patrick whisper to each other)
SpongeBob: Cubed. Sliced is fine.
Squidward: Yeah, yeah, and?
SpongeBob: Never wear a sombrero...
Patrick: ...in a goofy fashion!
SpongeBob: Or clown shoes.
Patrick: Or a hoop skirt.
SpongeBob: And never...
Patrick: Ever...
SpongeBob: Ever...
Patrick: Duh!
SpongeBob & Patrick: ...screech like a chimpanzee!
Squidward: Wow! That's amazing how many things can set a sea bear off. (Spongebob and Patrick are holding each other in terror) SpongeBob & Patrick: They're horrible.
Squidward: And... and suddenly I have the sense we're all in danger.
SpongeBob & Patrick: Why?
Squidward: I don't know... (runs off and comes back wearing all the items mentioned from before) Just a feeling.
SpongeBob: No.
Squidward: Yes.
SpongeBob: No. (Squidward begins making chimp noises)
SpongeBob & Patrick: Squidward, please don't! (Squidward continues to do whatever it takes to get a sea bear's attention) Patrick: SpongeBob, what are we gonna do? A sea bear's sure to come and eat us.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll draw us an anti-sea-bear circle in the dirt. (grabs a stick and draws a circle around both of them)
Patrick: Good thinking! All the experts say it's the only defense against a sea bear attack.
Squidward: (laughs) You guys are so gullible. See? I did everything that attracts a sea bear and nothing happened. If sea bears really exist, why didn't one show up?
SpongeBob: Maybe it's because you're not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion.
Squidward: Oh, pfft, sorry. How silly of me. You mean like this? (Squidward tilts his sombrero to the right then laughs. As he is laughing, a hand turns the sombrero upside-down)
SpongeBob: No, like that. (camera zooms out to reveal a sea bear growling. Squidward screams and runs but the sea bear attacks him)
SpongeBob: Squidward, are you okay? (Squidward is bruised and beaten)
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Quick! Jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back.
Patrick: Yeah. Sea bears often attack more than once.
Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster. I'm running for my life!
SpongeBob & Patrick: No! (sea bear mauls Squidward)
SpongeBob: Don't run! Sea bears hate that.
Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.
SpongeBob & Patrick: No! (sea bear comes back mauls Squidward again)
SpongeBob: They hate limping more than running.
Squidward: Well, I guess I'll just have... (sea bear comes back and mauls Squidward again)
SpongeBob: I should have warned you about crawling. (sea bear comes back and mauls Squidward again)
Squidward: What'd I do that time?
SpongeBob: I don't know! I guess he just doesn't like you. Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else.
SpongeBob: Here, draw a circle. (throws Squidward a stick)
Squidward: Ok. (sea bear comes back mauls Squidward again)
SpongeBob: That was an oval. It has to be a circle! (Squidward runs and sits on top of SpongeBob, inside the circle)
Squidward: Move over! (sea bear sees the circle, points at Squidward, then leaves) Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life.
SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros.
Squidward: What attracts them?
Patrick: The sound of a sea bear attack. (a sea rhinoceros is snorting beside them)
SpongeBob: Heh. Good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments. Right, Squidward?
Squidward: Huh?