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Episode Transcript: Ugh
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| Clams | The Great Snail Race |
Episode Article: UGH
Patchy the Pirate's episode is missing. This article needs more additional info on him. The end's article is choppy.
Characters
(We see the Bikini Attoll Island as we often do at the beginnings of episodes. But this time, it is a prehistoric island with murky water and foggy skies. A pterodactyl flies over the island.)
Narrator: Ah, dawn breaks over the primordial sea. (We submerge into the prehistoric Pacific ocean to see a muddy swamp.) It's here that thousands of years ago, life began taking its first clumsy steps out of the darkness, opening its newly-formed eyeballs to stare into the blinding light of intelligence, in order to- Umm... never mind. This happened a long time ago.
(We pan over to prehistiric Conch street, where three houses similar to SpongeBob's pineapple, Patrick's rock, and Squidward's Easter Island Head, except SpongeBob's house has a fern growing out of the top, Squidward's is more like a monkey-shaped head, and Patrick's has no bamboo weathervane. These are prehistoric homes to the three's cavemen ancestors. In caveman SpongeBob's house, it is one large, empty room with cave drawings of him jellyfishing on the walls and rocks and bones on a shelf above his blanket, which he sleeps under. Back outside, a giant purple dinosaur fish wakes up under a beam of sunlight to gurgle out a call similar to SpongeBob's foghorn alarm clock. The sound waves cause the rock to rattle off a shelf and it falls on the prehistoric sponge’s head. Alarmed, Sponge shrieks, but calms down when he notices the rock. He laughs and shoves the rock back on the shelf. He then takes his hide blanket from on the floor and puts it on as a pair of caveman pants. He puts on arm through a sleeve and walks outside of his pineapple, dragging a vine behind him.)
SpongeGar: Banooga ready! Tabonga, Gary!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeGar: Gary! Tabonga!
(SpongeGar walks into the clearing with the vine, and we that it's a leash and he’s walking a dinosnail Gary.)
Gary: Meow.
(Leaves behind a long trail of slime. SpongeGar and Gary walk past the primitive tiki lair that holds prehistoric Squidward, who looks out the window to see a path of blue slime on his path.)
Squogg: Huh? Grrr...
(He is about to walk outside, but stops.)
Squogg: Wait a minute...
(He imagines himself babbling in anger at Gary, and Gary smashing him into a splattered squid with an eyestalk.)
Squogg: Hmm...
(He runs over and picks up two clubs. He debates with himself over which one to use. He takes the bigger one and walks out chuckeling. The club left behind cries. Squogg approaches SpongeGar and Gary, who are out in the clearing.)
Squogg: SpongeGar! SpongeGar! Manaka! No tabonga Gary pooka! (Dino Gary rolls his eyes and slithers away as Squogg displays a small pile of snail slime and points to his front walkway, covered in the snail goop.) Tabonga as a go kielo saila! Tabonga doo, tabonga doo!
SpongeGar: Tabonga doo? Hmm... Tabonga doo...
(Squogg fumes and stamps off, but slips on the snail slime, sliding as if on a "Slip 'n' Slide", screaming for SpongeGar's help. But SpongeGar is too busy pondering the meaning of Squogg’s demand. Squogg slams into caveman Patrick’s rock, which opens, revealing Patrick's ancestor sticking to the underside of it as Patrick often does.)
Pattar: Pattar!
(He walks over to Squogg, who is covered in snail slime, but not sliding any longer.)
Pattar: Hmm... Yuk! (He sniffs his slime coating.) Blecch! (He tastes some of the slime cautiously.) Blecch! (He then takes out a salt shaker and adds some salt to the slime and tastes it again. This time it appears to be somewhat palatable, and he is satisfied, giving two thumbs up.) Mowonga!
(Squogg, gets angry and shakes the slime off himself.)
Squogg: Pattar! Grrr...
Pattar: Squog! (He laughs and hugs him.) Pattar unga Squogg!
(He squeezes him so tightly, that the veins in his arms pop out, and Squogg is slightly strangled.)
Pattar: Squogg... Squogg!
(SpongeGar notices Pattar.)
SpongeGar: Pattar!
(Pattar sees him and lets go of Squogg, and Squogg passes out onto the ground. The two run up to each other.)
Pattar: SpongeGar! (SpongeGar smiles and hits himself on the head. Pattar smiles and punches himself in the face a couple times. SpongeGar pulls out his nose and lets it go, slamming it back into his face. He screams, then stops suddenly and smiles. Pattar pulls his lower lip over his head, and it tears off. He screams, then smiles.) SpongeGar!
SpongeGar: Pattar!
Squogg: Pfffffttt!
(Pattar and SpongeGar hug.)
Squogg: SpongeGar and Pattar no got malonka palinka. Heh, heh. Palinka... (He is about to walk home again, when he slips on the slime trail again, and slides for a moment longer before sliding into his clay monkey head house and crashing into the back wall, where cave paintings of huters with arrows point at his exposed rear.) Ohh... (Back in the sand field accross from the row of homes, SpongeGar reaches into his pants and pulls out half of a coconut shell with juice inside. He howls in glee. Pattar sniffs it. SpongeGar gets a log and pours the liquid into it and blows into a hollow branch sticking out of the top of it, producing a bubble in a hole on the other side of the log. Pattar tries to take cover from the bubble, but then sees it pop and realizes it's harmless and that there is no need to protect himself from it. So he claps and howls in delight. Then, clouds appear and it begins to rain. Pattar then claps again and the rain stops, and the clouds relocate themselves. Pattar smiles. SpongeGar tries his hand at it, but the rain stall. A few moments later, the clouds re-appear and it rains. Both cheer. Pattar claps, and the rain ceases once more. The two get excited, and clap excessively. The rain begins, but won't stop. Next, thunder sounds, and the two stop their howling. Pattar claps again, but nothing happens. Squogg watches them from the second story window in his house.) Pattar an SpongeGar bawannagog. No pooka Squogg. Squogg paint tayla foo.
(Squogg starts to paint when thunder sounds, and lightning strike. Squogg looks out his window and gasps to see that the bubble-blowing log has been ignited in flames, and Pattar and SpongeGar have been injured by the lightning.)
Squogg: Pattar? SpongeGar?
(Both get up and run behind a rock, startled. They peek out from behind it to see the fire. SpongeGar, Squogg, and Pattar slowly approach it, quaking. Squogg sniffs it and sticks his hand into it. His hand burns and he takes it out and screams in pain. SpongeGar and Pattar put their hands in.)
Both: Huh? Hmmm... Uh-huh, Uh-huh... Ahhh...
(Suddenly, both scream, and all three suck their hands. Then, Patrick sniffs his, and turns away from it. Then, he adds salt and gnaws on his hand, and crawls away, thinking that SpongeGar and Squogg will eat it. They don't want it, but they do get hungry. SpongeGar sees two plants.)
SpongeGar: Fongar!
(As he runs over to get them, Squogg calls him a protozoa.)
Squogg: Monga.
(SpongeGar is walking back when he trips and the plants fly into the fire.)
Squogg: SpongeGar!
(He angrilly speaks gibberish. When he's done, he turns to see that Pattar is salting his burnt hand. When Pattar goes to bite Squoggs hand, Squogg smashes his head in with a stick.)
Squogg: Pattar! Chonga!
(Pattar crawls away dissappointedly. SpongeGar stares at Squogg’s stick, the two plants in the fire, then the stick again, then the plants, back and forth. We hear mystical music as he looks at the two faster and faster. Then, we see the four live-action singers in barber-shop garb with grey mustaches. Suddenly, SpongeGar gets an idea.)
SpongeGar: Aha! Squogg! Squogg! (Motions towards the stick.) Tooka SpongeGar? Hmm? (Squogg nods happily and hits SpongeGar on the head with the stick.) Nah! Nah! Nah!
(He slowly impales one of the plants with with the stick. He sniffs it and then eats it. He then begins jumping up and down in delight, hooting. Apparently, it tasted good. Squogg watches him. Then, SpongeGar offers the other plant to Squogg, who hesitantly takes it and eats it. But he ents up liking it, and hoots and jumps up and down as SpongeGar watches. He and SpongeGar then shake hands.)
Squogg: Taila foo, SpongeGar! Taila foo, SpongeGar! Naw dumbo!
(A speech balloon appears from Squogg's mouth with Albert Einstein in it. Later, SpongeGar, Pattar, and Squogg have a cookout. SpongeGar sticks a marshmallow-like egg through the stick, and roasts it in the fire and eats it. Squogg does the same with a piece of coral. Pattar toasts a stick and eats it, puncturing his lips.)
SpongeGar: Pattar! Uh-uh. Wath SpongeGar!
(Mr. Krabs' ancestor scuttles by.)
Krabbs: Money! Money! Ooga booga! Money! Money! Money! Money! Money! Ooga boo...
(SpongeGar steps on him and stabs him with Pattar's stick. Pattar takes the stick, puts it in the fire, and eats the crab. The three cheer before they all run off. SpongeGar impales some seaweed, toasts it, and eats them. Squogg takes some more plants, and roasts them. Pattar roats his own green and purple hide and eats it. He burps up a charred strip of cloth and uses it as a napkin. SpongeGar twirls up some vines on the stick, roasts it, and slurps it like spaghetti. Squogg puts some popcorn it a pan and eats it. Pattar lifts up a rock, and a bunch of little Krabs scatter from it. Pattar's mouth waters. SpongeGar creates a sand Krabby Patty and eats it. He toasts it. They all continue to scavenge food, take it to the fire to toast it, and eat it. Later, they are lying on their backs, surrounding the fire. They have all become fat, but are satisfied and not hungry. They yawn and get up.)
Squogg: Ganoga, Pattar. Ganoga, SpongeGar.
Pattar: Ganoga, Squogg. Ganoga, SpongeGar.
SpongeGar: Ganoga, Pattar. Ganoga, Squogg.
(The three walk back to their houses, but then halt. The three turn and look at the fire. Squogg runs over and picks up the fire.)
SpongeGar: No Squogg fwee fwee! SpongeGar fwee fwee!
Squogg: SpongeGar fagonda!
(SpongeGar shoves Squogg. Squogg is shocked and sets the log down and shoves him back for revenge. SpongeGar shoves Squogg, and Squogg whacks him with his club. SpongeGar hits Squogg with his own club. The two continue to whack each other with clubs, while Pattar retrieves the fire. He hoots excitedly as he runs back to his rock. Pattar looks behind him to see if Squogg and Gar have caught up, and turns to see SpongeGar and Squogg in front of him.)
Both: Pattar!
(Pattar screams, throwing the log into the air, where it stays. Squogg is about to catch it when SpongeGar jumps on Squogg’s head and takes it instead.)
Squogg: Grrr... (SpongeGar runs off with it, but Pattar takes it, then Squogg. Then, SpongeGar takes Squogg mistake and chuckles nervously. Pattar takes the log, then Squogg again. It is then taken by SpongeGar. He falls into trap Pattar made and Pattar grabs it instead. He then is scared off by a picture held up by Squogg.) Dumba Patar. Fwee fwee Squogg! (He picks up the log, runs back to his house and searches for the key in his pocket. He gets it, but then realizes that the log is gone.) Grrr...
(He sees SpongeGar running away with it but he falls victim of another Pattar trap and drops the log. Pattar grabs it and runs off happily.)
SpongeGar: Pattar! Bawana, Pattar! Bawana!
Pattar: Pattar fwee fwee!
(He is tripped by Squogg, and the log flies off. Squog chuckles and runs after the log as it rolls away. Pattar joins Squogg, all chasing the log again.)
Squogg: Fwee fwee Squogg! Fwee fwee Squogg!
Pattar: Pattar fwee fwee!
SpongeGar: SpongeGar fwee fwee!
(The three chase it up a cliff, but it rolls back down and the chases them.)
All: Fwee fwee go bonga!
(The chase is again reversed as the three follow the log. When it stops rolling, they all tug on it.)
SpongeGar: SpongeGar fwee fwee!
Squogg: Squogg fwee fwee!
Pattar: Pattar fwee fwee!
(The fire is suddenly extinguished by more rain)
SpongeGar: Oh, Pattar...
Pattar: Oh, SpongeGar...
(SpongeGar and Pattar cry.)
SpongeGar: Oh, Pattar...
Pattar: Oh, SpongeGar...
Squogg: Sutaka jakasa! (He pulls out his club, but is struck by lightning. He falls to the ground, charred.) ...Tabonga nu.
(SpongeGar and Pattar roast marshmallows over Squogg.)
Narrator: Perhaps certain events in history are better left untold.
Patchy: Yes What?
Song: "When Worlds Collide"
When worlds collide You can run But no can hide
When worlds collide You'll laugh so hard You'll swear you've died
When worlds collide Hold my hand I'll be your guide
When worlds collide Buckle...buckle...buckle up for the sweetest ride And prepare to have your mind blown wide When worlds collide
When worlds collide, it's a curious thing Bet you never heard a robot and a caveman sing In his metal chest are some working parts How is that different from my beating heart?
I'm from the future, and I'm from the past But that don't mean this friendship wasn't built to last He was made in a lab, and I was born in a cave So let me hear you holler for this inter-era rave
You, you, you, you can run But no can hide When worlds collide
