Episode Transcript: SpongeBob You're Fired

(The episode opens with SpongeBob making a Krabby Patty and cleaning the Krusty Krab. He is now finishing the Krabby Patty).

SpongeBob: Hmm, something's missing... (smiles, then rushes to the pickle cabinet) Ah-ha! June 15th! (shakes the jar and taste tests it) Fine month for pickles. (he puts the pickles on the Krabby Patty, puts the bun on, then opens the door) Order up! One perfect patty on a pristine plate in a squeaky clean Krusty Krab! Man, oh man, do I love my job! (Mr. Krabs taps him on the head) Hey, Mr. Krabs! What's the good word?

Mr. Krabs: Well, actually SpongeBob, um, there's two words. And they're not very good... you're fired!

SpongeBob: (chuckles) Oh, Mr. Kr- WHAT!?

Squidward: Fired!?

Mr. Krabs: Well, you see, uh, I've been doing some calculating and, you know, crunching the old numbers. And it turns out that I'll save a whole nickel if I cut your salary. Completely.

SpongeBob: B-bu-b-bu- How about if I work for free!

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, I looked into that. Apparently, (makes air quotes) it's illegal, and I'll lose my vendor's license, blah blah blah blah blah.

Customer: Uh, excuse me (points to the Krabby Patty SpongeBob is holding), is that mine?

SpongeBob: Oh, I don't know. Maybe. (sniffs, then drops the Krabby Patty on the floor) Take it.

Mr. Krabs: You know I love you like a son. But you can't argue with a nickel!

SpongeBob: But-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-but-

Squidward: Hey, what about me, can I get fired, too?

Mr. Krabs: I'm afraid not, Squidward. You've got seniority.

Squidward: Oh yeah.

Mr. Krabs: Nope, it's gotta be you, son. (gives SpongeBob a can) Your canned. (gives SpongeBob a pink dress) Here's your pink slip! (gives SpongeBob an axe) I'm giving you the ax! (the ax cuts SpongeBob in half, then he returns to normal) You're fired!

SpongeBob: (gasps, then wails) No, not that! Anything but that!

Mr. Krabs: So, uh, if you could just hand me your spatula. Um... I'll just take that! (he tries to take the spatula from SpongeBob's hand, but it doesn't let go)

SpongeBob: (temporarily stops wailing) Here, I'll get that for you. (rips his arm off, then continues to cry)

Mr. Krabs: Eh, I'll also need the hat. Allow me. (tries to take the hat, but it also doesn't budge easily. He eventually gets it off) Go ahead, take a moment to collect yourself. Long as you need.

(SpongeBob wails loudly so much his tears flood the Krusty Krab)

Old Man Jenkins: (sitting on a floating barrel) I'm not a very strong swimmer.

Squidward: (drains the Krusty Krab, then grabs a box carrier and puts SpongeBob in it). Ok, that's enough. It's closing time. (outside the Krusty Krab) You know, it just won't be the same around here without you. You'll have to visit sometime... as a customer. (this causes SpongeBob to cry even more). Buh-bye now! Sayonara! Good riddance! (closes the door and walks past a window) Man, is it gonna be sweet without that pest around! (sees SpongeBob whimpering at the window, then pulls down a "Krabby Patty" ad to cover him) This day couldn't get any better! Well, Eugene, let me commend you on a terrific business decision! But now that SpongeBob's gone, who will be running the grill?

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, I'll have you know I was five times golden spatula in the navy! So I'll be running the grill (the spatula he's holding catches fire)

Squidward: I can smell the grease fires already.

(SpongeBob returns home)

SpongeBob: Hey, Gary, I'm home... forever. (sobs hysterically).

Gary: [Walks up to the chair] Meow. Meow.

SpongeBob: [takes his head up] Oh, Mr. Krabs feels he doesn't need me anymore.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: What's that, Gary? You need me? Oh, the unconditional love of a pet. [Gary takes his food bowl and puts it on the chair's other arm] Oh, I'm sorry. Here I am wallowing in my misery, and it's past your dinner time. [Gets off the chair's arm and walks to the cabinet, bows his head over the counter below it and sighs. Takes the can of Snail food out of the cabinet and uses a can opener to open it. He manages to get his arm tangled to the can] I used to feed everyone in Bikini Bottom. [He walks over to Gary and his food bowl] Now I just feed you. [He pours the snail food out of the can into Gary's food bowl. The can falls on the floor and SpongeBob's arm unwrapped as he leaves to sit on the chair. Gary brings SpongeBob's long arm and puts it over the chair's arm] Oh, thanks, Gary.

Gary: Meow. [Gary leaves]

SpongeBob: [takes remote] That's how I used to hold my spatula! [He jumps off the chair and gets on his knees and starts wailing again. He stops when he hears a distant sobbing noise and then starts wailing in pain too. Stops when he hears distant sobbing again. He looks out his window to see it was Patrick. He walks over to the window.] Patrick, what's wrong?

Patrick: [stops sobbing] Oh, hey, SpongeBob. I heard you crying and it made me sad. [Both do a stifled crying]

SpongeBob: Gee, I'm sorry. Why don't you come inside?

Patrick: Okay! [enters by breaking through the wall] Hi, SpongeBob! Why are you making me so sad?

SpongeBob: Patrick, the most horrible thing happened today. I got-- f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f...

Patrick: Free French fries?

SpongeBob: F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f...

Patrick: Fried Frittatas?

SpongeBob: F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f...

Patrick: Frothy frappe?

SpongeBob: F-f-f-f...

Patrick: I can't think of any more food that starts with the letter "c", SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: It's not food, Patrick. I got... fired.

Patrick: Hey, that's great! Being unemployed is the best thing I know! [He grabs SpongeBob's side] I tell you what. Meet me tomorrow morning, and I'll introduce you to the wonders of the unemployed lifestyle!

SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick, I can't. I have to wor-- oh. Yeah, okay.

Patrick: [pats him on the head] Great! See you then. [Exits by breaking through another wall and leaves a hole behind.]

[SpongeBob sighs. "The Next Morning" time card appears on the screen. Scene changes to show Patrick walking towards SpongeBob's house while humming.

Patrick: [Knocks on the front door. Lock starts to turn and the door slowly opens] Oh! [SpongeBob exits house with "Best Day Ever" cup and a 5:00 shadow. His shirt is messy and his tie is loose.] Hey, buddy! Are you ready? Ready for your first day of glorious unemployment? Or as I like to call it, "fun-employment"! [His eyebrows go up and down, to indicate, "Get it?"]

SpongeBob: Yeah, sure. [Slurps] Whatever.

Patrick: That's the spirit! [Leads SpongeBob out of his house] Now, the first stop on our tour of fun-employment is a healthy breakfast with our good friend Mr. Squidward. [Patrick is standing in his petunias and pointing at Squidward raking his garden] Hey, Squidward! How are you this fine morning? [Squidward starts growling angrily]

Squidward: [angrily] How many times do I have to tell you... keep.. [Throws tomato] off... [Throws cucumber] my... [Throws another tomato]... PETUNIAS!?

Patrick: [has two tomatoes and cucumber arranged to form eyes and nose. Takes tomato, salts it, eats it, takes cucumber with his tongue, and eats it.] I'll just save this for later. [Puts tomato in his pants] Now you try.

SpongeBob: [still holding the "Best Day Ever" cup] Uh... [Stands in petunias as Patrick exits it while laughing.] Hey, Squidward. Look at me. I'm fun-employed! [Squidward slams a basket full of vegetables on SpongeBob and rips apart his hat. SpongeBob slurps.]

Patrick: Hey, you're good at this! Next on our i-tin-er-ary, a brief mid-morning siesta! [He sticks himself to his rock.]

[SpongeBob takes the basket with vegetables off his head and uses Gary's slime to glue himself to the rock but it does not hold him long, so he falls off the rock.]

Gary: Meow.

[SpongeBob is leaned on Patrick's rock and Patrick is still glued to it.]

SpongeBob: [sighs deeply and then groans. sighs deeply and then groans. Tears a part of himself off, dips it into the coffee and eats it. The teared part grows back and then Patrick wakes up and walks over to SpongeBob.]

Patrick: [yawns] Are you feelin' any better yet?

SpongeBob: [slurps] Uh-uh.

Patrick: Come on, SadPants! You know what always picks me up? [Picks SpongeBob up]

SpongeBob: [spills coffee] Nope.

Patrick: Free lunch with friends!

SpongeBob: [lifts cup in the air] Yippee.

[The scene changes to show the exterior of Sandy's Treedome where a sign saying "Volunteers Wanted, All You Can Eat!" has been put up. The scene zooms in to show Sandy with a clipboard and a pen and three volunteers (a fish, Patrick, and SpongeBob) at a table with bowls of unknown, orange, substance in front of them, each has a letter in front of them, the fish has "A", Patrick has "B", and SpongeBob has "C". SpongeBob and Volunteer A are holing spoons, and Patrick is hold a fork.]

Sandy: Okay, let's begin the experiment! [Volunteer A eats his sample and his head expands into the shape of a ball.] Mm-hmm. [Writes down some notes and walks to the Patrick] Okay, next.

Patrick: Oh, boy, lunch! [Puts his head into his sample and eats and a tiny Patrick grows on his forehead]

Patrick's Forehead: More! More! [Patrick gives him more]

Sandy: Very interesting. [Writes something down again and walks to SpongeBob] Okay, next. [Notices that it is SpongeBob] SpongeBob! I almost didn't recognize you [Shows SpongeBob's face] and you look awful! What are you doin' with these here freeloaders?

SpongeBob: I got fired. Now I'm fun-employed. [Shakes his spoon in the air] Whoo-hoo. [He takes a spoonful of his sample and is about to eat it, but Sandy stops him.]

Sandy: Whoa, there! You do not want to eat that!

SpongeBob: Why? What is it?

Sandy: Heck if I know. [Whispering] this here's a psychological test to see how much weird gunk folks will eat... if it's free! [She walks over to a barrel with the radioactive sign on it and smoke coming from it. She stirs it and scoops up the content with a ladle] Who's for seconds?

Both Patricks: Me! [Sandy refills Patrick's bowl.]

Patrick: [takes a spoonful and gives it to tiny Patrick] Here ya go, little buddy. [He chews it, swallows it and it falls onto Patrick's tongue. He swallows it.] Ahh. Mmm!

Sandy: SpongeBob, you're a mess! You're falling apart! [SpongeBob's brain with his eyes falls out of his head. Sandy picks it up.] Come on now, SpongeBob. You need to pull yourself together. Get some structure in your life. [Puts brain and eyes back into SpongeBob's head] What you need is a new job!

SpongeBob: You're right, Sandy. [Turns to Patrick] I'm afraid I can't do this anymore, Patrick. Unemployment may be fun for you, but I need to get a job.

Patrick's Forehead: Who do you think you're fooling, you loser? You couldn't keep a job if you tried!

Patrick: Hey! You can't talk to my friend like that! [Punches tiny Patrick into face]

Patrick's Forehead: Unh! [Groans]

Patrick: Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. You need to follow your heart.

SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick! [Put finger in the air] It's time to rejoin the workforce. Gainful employment, here I come! [He grunts and his 5:00 shadow disappear and his clothes become neat. He also looses the gunk in his eyes and his holes become their normal shape.] Yah! I'm ready! Whoo-hoo! [He walks away. The scene changes to show him walking down the street.] ♪I'm ready, I'm ready for a new job, for a new job, I'm ready for a new job; I'm ready♪ [He enters a restaurant called the "Weenie Hut".]

[The scene changes to show the interior of "Weenie Hut"]

SpongeBob: [He sees a man dressed in a weenie costume and talks to him.] Greetings, purveyor of elongated sausage products! I would love to work at your establishment!

Mr. Weiner: [dressed as weenie] Well, you do look enthusiastic. [Shows SpongeBob looking enthusiastically] Hmm. All right, kid. [He holds SpongeBob's side.] Let's see what you got. [They walk into the kitchen. SpongeBob now has a hot dog-shaped hat on.] So this is the kitchen.

SpongeBob: Hmm. [He goes to the grill and touches a button and it pops off and is hanging on a wire.] This grill is not in very good shape!

Mr. Weiner: Oh, we don't use the grill. [Points to the roller] We cook everything on the roller. [Shows roller with hot dogs rolling on it. SpongeBob screams] Good luck, kid. [Walks outside]

SpongeBob: [takes a hot dog off the roller and puts it in the bun] Hmm. There's something not quite right about this food, but I'm not sure what it is... [Gets an idea] Aha! [Slices the hot dog into pieces]

[The scene changes to Mr. Weiner waiting outside of the kitchen]

Mr. Weiner: [takes a golden box with three sausages out of his jacket, takes one out, closes the box, returns the box, smells the sausage, eats it and then burps. He turns to the kitchen door.] Hey! Where are those weenies? [SpongeBob slams him with the kitchen door while exiting with a plate of "weenie patties".]

SpongeBob: Your weenies, sir! [presents the plate of "weenie patties" to Mr. Weiner]

Mr. Weiner: What in the name of Davy Jones' gym shorts are these?

SpongeBob: They're weenie patties! Mr. Weiner: What are you, some kind of nut? You've ruined my weenies! [Throws the plate away] You're fired! [Throws SpongeBob's hat away]

SpongeBob: Aah! But, Mr. Krabs, why?

Mr. Weiner: Mr. Who?

SpongeBob: I mean, Mr. Wiener!

Mr. Weiner: Just go! [SpongeBob leaves]

SpongeBob: [outside] Well that was a setback. [Shows him heading to the "Pizza Piehole"] Hello, Pizza Piehole!

[The Scene changes to show the inside of "Pizza Piehole" where a fish is dressed in a pizza costume]

Pizza Pete: [throws pizza dough in the air and it ends up on the fan]

SpongeBob: [from behind] Excuse me, Mr. Pizza man. [Approaches] You need a fry-cook? [Pizza dough falls on the fish]

Pizza Pete: [removes part of dough blocking his view] Oh, boy, do I! Can you make pizza? [Hands him the dough]

SpongeBob: [takes dough] Eh... probably. [Stretches dough, throws in into the air and starts spinning it on his pointer finger]

Pizza Pete: Oh, that's amazing! [Shakes SpongeBob's hand] Congratulations, you're hired!

SpongeBob: Cool. [Walks to the oven while still spinning the dough on his finger, put it on the kitchen board and then in the oven] Well, it's no Krabby Patty, but... Perhaps I'll find contentment.

Pizza Pete: [wiping the table] Hey, buddy, how's the pizza coming?

SpongeBob: Almost done! But I did change the recipe a bit.

Pizza Pete: [laughs] No problem. [Bell dings] A few extra toppings never hurt anyone. [SpongeBob approaches with "Pizza Patty"] Huh? What have you done? [Shows Pizza Patty] You've turned an innocent pizza into... a Pizza Patty! It's an abomination!

SpongeBob: Yeah, of deliciousness!

Pizza Pete: You're fired!

SpongeBob: But who'll make the Krabby Patties?

Pizza Pete: Krabby Patties? What do you think this is, the Krusty Krab? [Holding SpongeBob's leg, he drops SpongeBob on the ground outside of the restaurant]

SpongeBob: [gets up and cleans dirt off himself.] Like I need his dumb job, anyway. I hope his pepperoni falls off. [Enters "Taco Sombrero"] Hey, taco man, may I have a job, por favor?

Señor Taco: [dressed in a taco costume] Hmm. All right. Let's see what you can do with a burrito.

SpongeBob: [enters kitchen "in" door, we hear some noises inside and he then exits through the kitchen "out" door with "Burrito Patty" in a bun] How about that?

Señor Taco: [takes "Burrito Patty"] Interesting. It's some sort of "burrito patty". Hmm. [turns to customers] Who'd like to taste it?

Pilar: I'll give it a go! [Takes Burrito Patty, tries to bite it and ends up squeezing its content to Frank and Billy]

Señor Taco: You're fired!

SpongeBob: [starts whimpering] But I've given you the best years of my life, Mr. Krabs! [Wailing loudly while holding Señor Taco's feet]

Señor Taco: Get to steppin'!

SpongeBob: [He wails while going from "Taco Sombrero" to "Wet Noodle". Some crashing is heard once he gets inside.]

Noodleman: [dressed as Chinese Takeout box. He carries SpongeBob out.] You're fired! [Kicks SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: Aah! [Lands in dirt]

Noodleman: [shows "Noodle Patty"] And take your noodle patty with you! [Throws it at SpongeBob]

SpongeBob: [Noodle Patty splashes his face] Oh, I'll take it, all right! I'll take it to go!... home.

[The scene changes to show SpongeBob walking towards his house with his head lowered. He passes both Patrick and Squidward's houses.]

SpongeBob: [sighs] For years I worked at the Krusty Krab. Now I've been fired five times in one day. [Enters his house] Who are you gonna cook for now, SpongeBob?

Gary: [approaches] Meow.

SpongeBob: Sorry, Gary, you must be starving! [Takes Gary to the kitchen] Don't worry gare-bear. [Goes towards the cabinet] I'll open up a can of Snailpo for you. [Opens cabinet and see there is nothing in there] Oh, no. [Turns to Gary] We're all out of Snailpo. [Walks away] We'll just have to make our own. [Opens fridge takes some vegetables out of it and closes the fridge with his foot. Takes the vegetables to kitchen counter, chops them with his hands, carries them to a pot, and puts them in that pot. Whistles while it's cooking and then takes a wooden spoon to mix the contents until it starts boiling. Tastes what's on the spoon.] Perfect! [Takes the pot, leaves it on kitchen counter, he takes can, and puts the pot's contents in it.] [The scene changes to show SpongeBob painting "Snailpo" and its logo on a piece of paper]

SpongeBob: [glues the label that he made to the can, put the lid on it and hits the can with a mallet, so that the lid can settle. He presents it to Gary] One homemade can of Snailpo! [Uses can opener to open it, pours snail's food into Gary's food bowl and throws the can into trash on the other side of the room.]

Gary: [eats satisfactorily] Meow.

SpongeBob: [leans towards Gary] What's that, Gary? It's the best food you've ever had?

Gary: Meow.

[Scene expands to show Patrick eating food from different food bowl and still having tiny Patrick on his forehead.]

Patrick: [raises his head] Yeah, this is dee-licious! Does it have any side effects?

SpongeBob: [stands up] Only satisfaction. [Sighs] If only my bosses liked my cooking as much as you two do. [Looks at tiny Patrick] I mean three [Someone knocks on the door. Goes towards the front door and opens it to see that nobody is there.] Hello. Hmm. That's odd. I could've sworn I heard a knock at the door. [Two fish dressed in hot dog costumes puts him between two big buns. SpongeBob yells while being muffled.]

[The Hot Dog Minions takes him to "Weenie Hut" where Mr. Weiner handcuffs SpongeBob's right hand to pipe and SpongeBob's left hand to hot dog tongs]

SpongeBob: Mr. Weenie?

Mr. Weiner: Congratulations, SpongeBob, you've been promoted!

SpongeBob: But you just fired me.

Mr. Weiner : That's mustard under the bun, my boy! The important thing is my customers love your little sliders! [Shows "Weenie Patty"] Now get to work!

SpongeBob: [rises handcuffed hand] I'm pretty sure this is illegal. What am I gonna do now?

Pizza Pete : [from the background] Psst! [shows him in the shadow] Hey, kid. You need help outta here? [Leans out of the shadow]

SpongeBob : Pizza Pete! Yes, please! That wiener has me chained to the grill, [Pizza Pete approaches him] and he really seems to be relishing it.

Pizza Pete: I have something to free you. [Takes pizza sauce out]

SpongeBob: Pizza sauce? [Pizza Pete puts the pizza sauce on both handcuffs] I'm free!

Pizza Pete: Great! Now you can get to my grill. [Takes bread stick out]

SpongeBob: What? [Pizza Pete ties his hands with the breadstick] Parmesan-crusted breadstick! [Pizza Pete takes him] Whoa!

Mr. Weiner: [from the kitchen door] Hey! Where are you going with my fry cook?

[Cuts SpongeBob being carried by Pizza Pete and screaming]

Noodleman: [takes SpongeBob with chopsticks and laughs while being on the roof] I'll take one fry-cook to go! [He jumps off the roof and laughs again after landing. Señor Taco opens the door next to him and sends him away]

SpongeBob: [lands] Oh, thank you, Señor Taco! [Señor Taco grabs him with his suit] Oh, no! Not you too! [He screams while Señor Taco carries him]

Pizza Pete, Mr. Weiner and Noodleman: [Señor Taco runs into them] Get him! [They jump on Señor Taco]

[Fight starts and smoke covers the screen that soon disappears to show all four of them stretching SpongeBob by pulling each of his limbs]

SpongeBob: Whoa!

Noodleman: Let go!

Mr. Weiner: He's mine!

Señor Taco: I was here first!

Pizza Pete: No, I was!

[Scene expands to show someone in a Krabby Patty costume on the roof.]

Krabby Patty Man: Stop! Unhand that sponge! [Jumps on Pizza Pete and punches him away. Takes Señor Taco and destroys his costume by gobbling it. Señor Taco runs away embarrassed.]

Noodleman: [drops SpongeBob] It's the Killer Patty! [Gets noodles squeezed out of his costume by Krabby Patty Man]

Mr. Weiner: [Krabby Patty Man walks towards him and he drops SpongeBob before he gets to him] Here, take him! Just don't hurt me. [Whimpers with eyes closed. Opens eyes to see that Krabby Patty Man is gone and sighs. Starts humming while crossing the street and is hit by a bus] Aah!

[The scene changes to show SpongeBob waking up]

SpongeBob: [opens eyes] Krabby Patty! You saved me! [Krabby Patty Man starts carrying him] Well, here we go again.

[Krabby Patty Man carries him to the Krusty Krab and walks past John, Blue Fred, and Thaddeus exiting it. Smokes comes out of the Krusty Krab when John opens the front door]

John: Ugh! This place is terrible!

Blue Fred: The Krusty Krab has really gone downhill.

[As they get inside Krabby Patty Man puts SpongeBob down. Krusty Krab is a mess and there is smoke coming through the order window]

Nat Peterson: [holding burned Krabby Patty] How can you serve this slop? [Throws it on the floor] I'm never eating here again! [Leaves]

Mr. Krabs: [holding spatula in his hand and exiting the kitchen with one burnt eyebrow.] Wait! Come back! [Drops spatula] That was me last customer! [SpongeBob and Krabby Patty Man approach] SpongeBob? [Takes SpongeBob and lifts him.] Squidward, you found him!

SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward?

Squidward: [takes Krabby Patty costume off] I'm afraid so. [Kicks costume and leans hand towards SpongeBob] SpongeBob...

SpongeBob: Yes, Squidward?

Squidward: You know I hate you, right?

SpongeBob: Yes. [Smiles and takes Squidward's "arm" tentacle] Yes, I do.

Squidward: Well, I hate the smell of burning Krabby Patties even more. [Gets on his knee and takes SpongeBob's hands] Please come back and be the fry cook again. [Lets SpongeBob hands go]

SpongeBob: [turns to Mr. Krabs] Well, if it's okay with you, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, laddy! [Takes SpongeBob] I shoulda never let you go! The Krusty Krab has fallen apart without you! You're rehired, boy.

SpongeBob: [turns to Squidward who is still on knees] All right! Now my life has purpose again! [Turns away] Let's get this place cleaned up! [Jumps on the beam where bucket and mop are prepared and his hat already tied to the rope. Does the victory screech, jumps of the beam and cleans everything while swinging; including giving Mr. Krabs brand new suit and Squidward a brand new pink dress and crown.]

Squidward: Hmm. [examines dress] Not exactly my color.

SpongeBob: [cuts the rope tied to his hat, flies back to the kitchen through order window, takes patty off the grill and exits through the kitchen door with the Krabby Patty on the plate.] The Krusty Krab is back in business!

[The scene changes to show a line in front of the Krusty Krab where people are cheering. The scene changes again to inside of Krusty Krab where customers are eating; including Señor Taco, Pizza Pete, Noodleman, The Hot Dog minions, and Mr. Weiner.]

Mr. Krabs: Well, SpongeBob, it looks like things are back to normal! And to make up for that extra nickel I was losing, I installed a pay toilet!

[Shows Old Man Jenkins holding a purse looking for a nickel for the pay toilet]

Old Man Jenkins: [hopping] Oh, dear, where is that nickel? [Shows SpongeBob, Squidward and Mr. Krabs laughing] Huh? Why are you laughing?