Transcript: The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie/Part 1
 Chapter 1: Opening (Real film sequence)
(the movie starts with the 2002 Paramount Pictures logo and a Nickelodeon Movies logo made for the film. A sky fades in with seagulls flying across while the titles "Paramount Pictures Presents," "A Nickelodeon Movies Production," and "in association with United Plankton Pictures" appear. Then a pirate on a look-out post is shown. He looks upwards to get a better look at something with his telescope. The screen then shows the view of the telescope, with a pirate on a dinghy shown)
Pirate #1: (with a trunk) I got it! I got it! I got it!
Pirate #2: (squints) Dinghy ahoy. (looks down to tell another pirate something) Dinghy off the port bow. Dinghy off the port bow!
Pirate #3: Dinghy off the port bow!
Pirates: (offscreen) Dinghy off the port bow!
Pirate #4: Captain, dinghy off the... (he is slammed in the face by a door as the captain walks on deck)
Captain: Dinghy. (lets the pirate in the dinghy onto the ship, along with the trunk)
Pirate #1: I got it! I got it.
Captain: Where is it?
Pirate #2: It's right here, captain.
Captain: (opens the trunk) I never thought I'd see it with me own eye. (excitedly) Tickets to the SpongeBob movie! (the pirates cheer and they sail to the movie theater, singing the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song)
Pirates: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants.
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he? SpongeBob SquarePants.
If nautical nonsense be something you wish? SpongeBob SquarePants.
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish? SpongeBob SquarePants.
SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. Sponge-Bob Square-Pants.
SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. Sponge-Bob Square-Pants.
SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. Sponge-Bob Square-Pants!
(the pirates hog the snack bar and get some popcorn. They rush into the theater room, where the movie starts)
 Chapter 2: SpongeBob's Dream
French Narrator: (the film starts out on the familiar Bikini Atoll Island) Ah, the sea. So mysterious, so beautiful. So... uhh... wet. (the camera pans down into Bikini Bottom and stops in front of the Krusty Krab) Our story begins in Bikini Bottom's popular undersea eatery, the Krusty Krab restaurant, where...
Police: Back off! Back off! (waves arms to back off at reporters/citizens)
French Narrator: Hey, wait a minute. What is happening?
(the camera zooms out to show the Krusty Krab is surrounded by cops. The screen then pans to the left to reveal a red crab.)
Mr. Eugene Harold Krabs: Please settle down... (referring to the Krusty Krab) We've got a situation in there! I'd rather not discuss 'til me manager gets here!
Female Fish: (offscreen) Look, there he is!
(A black, boat-shaped limousine with orange flames drives up. A yellow leg, which is wearing a black boot with an orange snake in the shape of an "S" on it, steps out of the limo when it is stopped. As the camera pans up, a yellow sponge climbs out of the limo. He walks toward the Krusty Krab and blows a bubble)
SpongeBob SquarePants: Talk to me, Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, it started out as a simple order: a Krabby Patty with cheese. When the customer took a bite, no cheese! (cries, but SpongeBob slaps him)
SpongeBob: Get a hold of yourself, Eugene. I'm going in. (walks in and sees a fish, extremely nervous, looking at his Krabby Patty) Take it easy, friend. I'm the manager of this establishment. (puts a briefcase down on a table) Everything's gonna be just fine.
Phil: I'm really scared here, man...
SpongeBob: (opens the briefcase) You got a name?
Phil: (nervously) Phil.
SpongeBob: (puts on gloves) You got a family, Phil? (Phil chokes over his words, unable to speak. Snaps his fingers) Come on, Phil, stay with me. Let's hear about that family.
Phil: I got a wife and two beautiful children.
SpongeBob: (puts on a headset from the briefcase) That's what it's all about. I want you to do me a favor, Phil.
SpongeBob: (picks a slice of cheese out from his briefcase with some tweezers) Say "cheese." (dramatically and slowly attempts to put the cheese on the Krabby Patty. Kicks the door open, Phil in his arms. The crowd gasps. The cheese on the Krabby Patty sparkles) Order up.
Crowd: (they cheer and lift SpongeBob up on their shoulders) Three cheers for the manager! Hip! Hip! (SpongeBob's alarm clock honks) Hip! Hip! (SpongeBob's alarm clock honks again) Hip! Hip! (SpongeBob's alarm clock honks a third time)
 Chapter 3: SpongeBob Prepares for the Ceremony
(honk continues from dream; the screen now shows SpongeBob in his bedroom. He turns off his honking foghorn alarm clock)
SpongeBob: Hooray! Gary, I had that dream again! And it's finally going to come true! (runs over to his calendar) Today! Sorry about this calendar. (tears off the calendar page for the day before to reveal "March 7." On the page, it has a picture of the Krusty Krab 2 with rainbows and hearts around it) Because today is the grand-opening ceremony for the Krusty Krab 2, where Mr. Krabs will announce the new manager.
Garold "Gary" Wilson Jr. The Snail: Meow.
SpongeBob: Who's it gonna be, Gary? (chuckles to himself) Well, let's ask my wall of 374 consecutive employee-of-the-month awards. (the camera pulls up, revealing many "employee of the month" portraits)
SpongeBob Employee of the Month Awards: SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob: I'm ready. Promotion. (goes into a walk-in shower, eats soap, inserts a hose in his head, and puffs up until soap comes out. Pulls out paper-like fabric, which he folds into his pants. the back springs off, revealing his rear, which he covers up. Blushes and walks off-screen sideways. Brushes his eyes with toothpaste and wipes off the foam) Cleanliness is next to manager-liness. (goes outside and runs around in circles) I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion. (the camera is zooming in on a house shaped liked an moai head , and the scene fades to turquoise octopus taking a shower)
Squidward J. Q Tentacles: La da dee, la da doo, la da dum, La da dee, la da doo, la da dum...
Squidward and SpongeBob: (in unison) La da dee, la da doo, la da dum, La da d...
SpongeBob: ...ee, la da doo, la da dum, Bum bum bum, Da da da...
Squidward: (interrupts SpongeBob and covers himself) SpongeBob! What are you doing in here?!
SpongeBob: I have to tell you something, Squidward.
Squidward: Whatever it is, can't it wait until we get to work?
SpongeBob: There's no shower at work.
Squidward: What do you want?!
SpongeBob: I just wanted to say I'll be thanking you in my managerial acceptance speech today.
Squidward: GET OUT! (kicks SpongeBob out the window)
SpongeBob: Okay. I'll see you at the ceremony. (A pink starfish comes out of his rock)
Patrick Star: That sounds like the manager of the new Krusty Krab 2. (notices he doesn't have his trunks on) Oops. Hold on. (rock closes, with Patrick on it. It opens again with Patrick wearing his shorts) Congratulations, buddy.
SpongeBob: Oh, thanks, Patrick. And tonight, after my big promotion, we're gonna party 'til we're purple.
Patrick: I love being purple!
SpongeBob: We're going to the place where all the action is.
Patrick: You don't mean...?
SpongeBob: Oh, I mean.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat! (Patrick's rock closes up on them, and opens up a few seconds later. They now have Goofy Goober hats on, and a record begins playing on a record player beside Patrick)
Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah. You're a Goofy Goober, yeah. We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah. Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah!
SpongeBob: (notices his watch and gasps) 8 o'clock? I'm late for work. (runs away) See you later, Patrick!
Patrick: (bounces in on his buttocks) Hey, look for me at the ceremony. I got a little surprise for you. I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah. (bounces away)
 Chapter 4: Plankton Learns of Plan Z
(bubble-wipe to a large crowd gathered in front of the Krusty Krab. Bikini Bottom News reporter Perch Perkins is on television with his microphone)
Perch Perkins: Hello, Bikini Bottom! Perch Perkins here, coming to you live in front of the Krusty Krab restaurant, for years the only place to get a delicious and mouthwatering Krabby Patty. Until today, that is. That's right, folks. Longtime owner Mr. Krabs is opening a new restaurant called the Krusty Krab 2. (the crowd applauds) First of all, congratulations, Mr. Krabs. (Krabs has a big grin on his face)
Mr. Krabs: Hello. I like money.
Perch Perkins: What inspired you to build a second Krusty Krab right next door to the original?
Mr. Krabs: Money. (everyone laughs. A jelly bean-shaped creature with one eye is watching the entire scenario out a periscope-like window of the Chum Bucket)
Sheldon J. Plankton: Curses! It's not fair! Krabs is being interviewed by Perch Perkins, and I've never ha one customer! (the word "customer" is heard echoing in the kitchen. Groans and moans while sweating)
Karen Plankton: Don't get worked up again, Plankton, I just mopped the floors.
Plankton: Oh, Karen, my computer wife, if only I could have managed to steal the secret to Krabs' success, the formula for the Krabby Patty. Then people would line up to eat at my restaurant. Lord knows I've tried. I've exhausted every evil plan in my filing cabinet...from A to Y.
Karen: A to Y?
Plankton: Yeah, A to Y. You know the alphabet.
Karen: What about Z?
Karen: Z. The letter after Y.
Plankton: (searches through his filing cabinet) W, X, Y, Z. (Grabs Plan Z) Plan Z! Here it is, just like you said.
Karen: Oh, boy.
Plankton: (looks at Plan Z; suggestively) Oh! Oh! Ohhh! It's evil. It's diabolical. (sniffs the plan) It's lemon-scented. This Plan Z can't possibly fail! (goes outside) So enjoy today, Mr. Krabs, because by tomorrow, I'll have the formula. Then everyone will eat at the Chum Bucket, and I will rule the world! All hail Plankton. All hail Plank...! (SpongeBob runs by and unknowingly crushes Plankton) Ow!
 Chapter 5: SpongeBob Encounters Plankton
SpongeBob: I'm ready, promotion! I'm ready, promotion!
Plankton: (he is being stepped on by SpongeBob) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
SpongeBob: (stops running) Eww, I think I stepped in something. (He tries to scrape Plankton off. Plankton yelps as he is being scraped off)
Plankton: (muffled) Not in something, on someone, you twit!
SpongeBob: Oh. Sorry, Plankton. (looks at a smeared Plankton and pulls him off his shoe) Are you on your way to the grand-opening ceremony?
Plankton: No, I am not on my way over to the grand-opening ceremony. (mocks SpongeBob's words. Then he jumps four times) I'm busy planning to rule the world! (chuckles)
SpongeBob: Well, goo luck with that. (runs off) I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion...
Plankton: (looks at the camera) Stupid kid. (walks back to the Chum Bucket)
 Chapter 6: The Manager Revealed
(bubble-wipe to later. Mr. Krabs is at a stand in front of the Krusty Krab 2. The crowd is still gathered there, seated)
Mr. Krabs: Welcome. Welcome, everyone, to the grand opening of the Krusty Krab 2. (the crowd applauds)
Mrs. Poppy Puff: We paid $9 for this?
Sandra "Sandy" Jennifer Olivia Cheeks: I paid 10!
Mr. Krabs: Now, before we begin with the ribbon-cutting, I'd like to announce the name of our new manager.
SpongeBob: (applauding wildly) Yay! Yeah! Ow! Ow, ow! Yeah! Now we're talking! Yeah! Ow! (leans towards Squidward and shushes him) Shh!
Mr. Krabs: Yes. Well, anyway, the new manager is a loyal, hard-working employee.
SpongeBob: (thinking) Yes.
Mr. Krabs: The obvious choice for the job.
SpongeBob: (thinking) He's right.
Mr. Krabs: A name you all know. It starts with a S.
Mr. Krabs: Please welcome our new manager... Squidward Tentacles! (a banner falls with Squidward's face on it)
SpongeBob: (excitedly) Yes! Yeah! (dances around, laughing. Then he shakes Squidward's hand) Oh, better luck next time, buddy. Whoo! (cheers as he runs to the stage) Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! All right! Whoo! (grabs the microphone) People of Bikini Bottom, as the manager of...
Mr. Krabs: Uh, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hold the phone, folks, I'm getting a important news flash from Mr. Krabs. Go ahead, Mr. K. (Mr. Krabs whispers into SpongeBob's ear) I'm making a complete what of myself? (Mr. Krabs whispers again) The most embarrassing thing you've ever seen? (Mr. Krabs whispers a third time) And now it's worse because I'm repeating everything you say into the microphone?
 Chapter 7: Krabs Reveals the Truth
Mr. Krabs: (annoyed) Oh, for crying out loud, SpongeBob! You didn't get the job!
Mr. Krabs: You... did not... get... the job.
SpongeBob: But... but why?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're a great fry cook, but I gave the job to Squidward because being manager is a big responsibility. Well, let's face it, he's more... mature than you.
SpongeBob: I'm not... mature?
Mr. Krabs: Lad, I mean this in the nicest of ways, but there's a word for what you are, and that word is... now, let's see...
Mr. Krabs: No, wait, that's not right. Not a dork.
Pearl Krabs: A goofball?
Mr. Krabs: Closer, but no, no, no.
Fred: A ding-a-ling.
Jimmy: Wing nut.
Mable: A Knucklehead McSpazatron!
Mr. Krabs: OK, that's enough! Look, what I'm trying to say is, you're just a kid. And to be a manager, you have to be a man. Otherwise they'd call it "kid-ager." You understand-ager? I mean, you understand?
SpongeBob: I guess so, Mr. Krabs. (walks away)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (depressed) I'm ready. Depression. I'm ready. Depression.
 Chapter 8: Patrick's Interruption
Mr. Krabs: Poor kid. (Patrick appears flying on a banner naked with a "Go SpongeBob" flag in his butt)
Patrick: Hooray for SpongeBob! (laughs) Hooray for SpongeBob! Let's hear it for SpongeBob! (Mr. Krabs runs off the stage, which Patrick accidentally hits. The banner collapses on the stage, and it is set on fire. The entire crowd runs away while Patrick bursts out of the banner) Hello? Where'd everybody go? Did I miss something? Did you see my butt?