Episode Transcript: That's No Lady
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Episode Article: That's No Lady
(scene opens to Patrick running in the street)
Fish #1: (off-screen) Hey! (Patrick looks around) Hey, you there!
Patrick: Who me?
Fish #1: Yes, you. Get outta town! (Patrick runs and screams. Fish shrugs his shoulders as another fish walks up) Get outta
town! And take a vacation to beautiful Sunny Seashores Resort. (another fish walks up) Here ya go, sir. (hands him a flyer.
Fish reads it. Scene cuts to Patrick running up to SpongeBob's house and opening the door)
Patrick: I gotta get out of town! (SpongeBob hands Patrick a glass of lemonade) Oh, thanks SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Sure, Patrick, ya...
Patrick: (screams) I gotta get going. He told me to.
SpongeBob: Who did?
Patrick: Uhh, well, uhh...hmmm, I'm not sure but he has a briefcase.
SpongeBob: Ahh, a briefcase?! He might be a paid assassin. (both start to cry) But, Patrick, you can't go. Not like this. Who will go with me to the next jellyfisherman's expo? (shows a picture of the two at one of the expos)
Patrick: It'll have to be one of your other chums 'cause my mind is set. (both cry more)
SpongeBob: Unset, please unset it. (Patrick walks over to SpongeBob's kitchen counter and sets a briefcase on it to fill up with clothes)
Patrick: I guess I'll pack up my stuff and get ready to go. My clothes. (packs SpongeBob's clothes!)
SpongeBob: Umm, Patrick, those are my clothes.
Patrick: (packs up a bunch of seanut butter?) My seanut butter!
SpongeBob: That's my seanut butter.
Patrick: And my pickles. (stuffs a bunch of pickles into the bag and closes it?)
SpongeBob: I can't believe you're leaving, Patrick. (cries) With all my pickles!
Patrick: It's the end of me. Being here.
(deleted scene as he heads out the door)
Patrick: Goodbye, Bikini Bottom.
 Main Dialogue
SpongeBob: Wait! Stop! What about all our plans? 8:00am - Wake up Patrick, 9:00am - Eat Kelpo with Patrick, 10:00am - Brush teeth with Patrick, 1:00pm - Stare at Patrick. Who's gonna do all that with me?
Patrick: I'm sorry, there's no stopping the unstoppable. Patrick Star will live no more, forever...in Bikini Bottom.
SpongeBob: But...what if you weren't Patrick Star?
Patrick: Oh, no. I'm not Patrick Star?
SpongeBob: You are Patrick Star. But you won't be for long.
Patrick: Huh? (scene cuts to SpongeBob putting on a visor over Patrick's eyes) There ya go, Patrick. No one will know it's you. (Patrick look in a mirror, screams, then runs out of the pineapple through the wall, leaving a star-shaped hole) Patrick, you ok?
Larry: Hey guys! Yo, Patrick, cool shades.
SpongeBob: Well, Pat, that disguise didn't work. We're gonna have to try harder.
Patrick: Yeah, well, thanks ol' SpongeBob for your help. It was a noble effort but alass, all in vain, it's no use. I must leave. (holds out his arms and runs passed SpongeBob to pet a rock) Goodbye rock. Goodbye coral. (hugs the coral but it sticks to him) Ow! Goodbye seaweed. (walks off)
SpongeBob: Too bad we couldn't come up with a better costume. (looks at the seaweed) Hmmm...
Patrick: Goodbye sky. (SpongeBob walks up to Patrick and puts some seaweed on his head)
SpongeBob: That's it. With the seaweed on your head, you could be a...
Patrick: Oh, I know, I know! I could be a seaweed monsterman! And live happily forever after in Bikini Bottom.
SpongeBob: Patrick, there already is a seaweed monsterman. (scroll over to a monster with seaweed all over its body)
Seaweed Monsterman: Hey!
SpongeBob: It's ok, Patrick. So you can't be a monster. But that vegetation on your head gives me an idea of what you can be. (scene cuts to inside a store) You're all set. Come on out, Patrick. (Patrick steps forward, looking like a girl. He is wearing a blond wig and green top and bottom. Scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the street)
Fish #2: Hi, SpongeBob. And hello, lady. (tips his hat to Patrick)
SpongeBob: The disguise is working, Patrick. I mean, Patricia. (both giggle)
Larry: SpongeBob, you never told me you had a girlfriend.
Patrick: Oh, I'm not his girlfriend. I'm Pat.
SpongeBob: Pat-ricia. Pat-ricia. Patricia. (laughs)
Larry: Bro, your girlfriend is not ugly.
SpongeBob: Actually, Larry, she's not my girlfriend, she's just a...
Larry: It's cool, buddy. You don't have to explain your girlfriend to me.
SpongeBob: But she's not my girlfriend.
Larry: I don't know why you're standing here talking to me when you could be talking to your girlfriend.
SpongeBob: C'mon, Patricia. (grabs her hand and walks off)
Larry: Congratulations on the new girlfriend, dude.
Mr. Krabs: (runs up) SpongeBob! This is not the time for Sunday Stroll. It's time for work.
SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, the Krusty Krab doesn't open for another 2 hours.
Mr. Krabs: (hands SpongeBob a spatula) There be no such thing as opening too early, me boy. Excuse us, miss. Huh? (notices Patricia as his eyes explode from seeing the beauty)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, who's your friend?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, this is Patricia.
Mr. Krabs: (eyes inflate back to normal) Patricia. The most beautiful sound I've ever seen. SpongeBob, do we need any more help down at the Krusty Krab?
Mr. Krabs: We do? Great, she can start right away. (scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where Squidward is reading the newspaper until Patricia walks in)
Squidward: And who are you, my Rubenesque beauty?
Mr. Krabs: That's Patricia, our newest Krusty Krab employee.
Squidward: Well, she sure is stunning. (Patricia is picking her nose)
Mr. Krabs: Just keep your eyes on the customers, Mr. Squidward. (walks off. Patricia is cleaning tables until Squidward walks up to her)
Squidward: Hi, Patricia. I drew this for you. (hands her a piece of paper) Likeness is uncanny, if I do say so myself. (drawing on the piece of paper is Squidward. A scream is heard off-screen in horror of the picture)
Patricia: Uhh, thank you, Squidward. (Mr. Krabs comes out of the kitchen with two trays of food, one in each hand)
Mr. Krabs: Order up, Miss Patricia.
Patricia: Excuse me, Squidward. (eats the drawing, burps then walks off)
Mr. Krabs: (hands Patricia both trays) This order goes to table 7 and remember your manners. (Patricia walks up to a table with the number seven on it)
Mr. Krabs: That's a 7, Patricia.
Patricia: Mr. Krabs, you ordered two Krusty meals?
Mr. Krabs:(gasps) Did I order two meals? Oh, silly me. I can't possibly eat two Krusty meals, myself. (spreads a table cloth, with a radio, on the table) I guess you'll just have to help me finish all this food.
Patricia: Ok. (sits down. Mr. Krabs pushes a button and some music plays)
Mr. Krabs: Patricia, we may have only known each other for a short time, now, but I feel like a special connection has been made. (Patricia inhales the table cloth and all the food. Then she burps out the radio)
SpongeBob: Quite an appetite but she's all woman. (scene cuts to Patricia walking in the kitchen with two orders. Squidward plays a soothing song on his clarinet)
Squidward: Eh? Ya know, Patricia, they don't call me the 'Sizzlelips Squid' for nothing. So, are you free this Saturday night?
Patricia: No, that's the night SpongeBob and I are having a staring contest.
Mr. Krabs: (using a megaphone) Get back to work, you gold-bricking freeloader. Hut two, hut two, yah, yah! And don't come back 'til all the patties are Krabby. (throws megaphone away) Well, now that we're alone, how would you like to be my date Friday night to a...
Patricia: Well, I can't. SpongeBob and I will be flying submarines that night. I have to get back to Krusting the Krab. (walks off) Man, why are those two so nice to me? They were never this nice to Patrick. It's weird. (opens the cabinet in front of him and notices Squidward on the top shelf)
Squidward: Are you sure about Saturday night? (Patricia closes the cabinet)
Patricia: Persistent bunch. (turns on the faucet but Mr. Krabs peeks his head out of the faucet head)
Mr. Krabs: How about Sunday brunch?
Patricia: No thanks, again! (walks over to the toaster where Squidward's head pops up)
Squidward: But I made reservations for two at...
Patricia: I said no. (scene cuts to Patricia lifting up the fryer, where Mr. Krabs head is) No. (scene cuts to Patricia using the water hose on the floor when Squidward's head pops out from a hole on the ground) No way. (scene cuts to Mr. Krabs in a water job) No. (scene cuts to Squidward in the toilet) No. (scene cuts to Patricia in the middle of the Krusty Krab)
No! (Patricia walks into the kitchen) What is it about me that makes those two so friendly? It must have something to do with this disguise. I can't wear this any longer.
SpongeBob: But if you reveal your secret identity, you'll have to leave Bikini Bottom.
Patricia: I'm sorry, SpongeBob. I just can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of pretending to be someone that I'm not. (opens the door to the dining room of the Krusty Krab. All the customers say hi to her)
Fish #3: The lovely Patricia... (blows a kiss) ...has returned to us.
Patricia: I have an announcement to make. The entire day that I've worked here I've wanted to say... (notices the fish from the beginning, giving out flyers, has entered the Krusty Krab. He starts to stutter) I've wanted to say that, uhh, that I will eat any leftovers on your plate. (smiles and walks away)
Fish #1: Ahoy, waitress, aren't you gonna take my order?
Patricia: I'll be right there, sir.
SpongeBob: What's the matter, Patrick?
Patricia: That's the guy with the briefcase. The guy who's trying to run me out of town.
SpongeBob: (gasps) The assassin?
Patricia: (walks up to the customer) What can I get you, sir?
Fish #1: Say, don't I know you from somewhere?
Fish #1: Hmmm... that's it. Get outta town!
Patricia: He's on to us.
SpongeBob: I won't let you do it. You'll have to do something horrible to me before I let you throw Patrick out of town.
Squidward & Mr. Krabs: Patrick?!
Fish #1: You forgot your flyer. (hands them one of his flyers)
SpongeBob: (reading flyer) Get Outta Town! To beautiful Sunny Shore Resorts. Look, this guy wasn't trying to run you out of town, he just wanted to sell you a luxury vacation at a modest price.
Patricia: Well, I guess I don't need this disguise anymore. (rips off his disguise and remain naked. Everyone gasps while Squidward's eyes shrink in horror)
Squidward: Umm, I think I need to take a bath.
Mr. Krabs: So, let me get this straight, you're not a woman?
Mr. Krabs: Well then, you're fired. Uhh, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my office for, I dunno, the next 20 years or so.
SpongeBob: Hey, buddy, what do you say we go home and get started on this list? (both run out with excitement)
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