Episode Transcript: SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One
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Episode Article: SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One (Episode)
(SpongeBob is sweating)
Squidward: (sweating) If it gets any hotter in here, we're gonna have to put fried calamari on the menu.
SpongeBob: It's a good thing that new ceiling fan Mr. Krabs installed is still working. (The fan stops)
Mr. Krabs: Were you talking to me, Squidward?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs. The f-f...
Mr. Krabs: Good word, boy! Don't sneak up on me like that.
SpongeBob: The fan... it...
Mr. Krabs: You're not wearing shoes, lad. You're not going Section 8 on me, are ya?
SpongeBob: I was wearing shoes. They... It's so hot they melted off.
Mr. Krabs: Melted off?
Squidward: The fan stopped working.
Mr. Krabs: Huh?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you didn't... forget... to pay the power bill again, did you?
Mr. Krabs: Of course not! Here. Just fan yourself with some of this junk mail I keep finding in me mail box. (gives SpongeBob the "junk mail", which says: Power Bill Final Notice)
SpongeBob: (fans himself)
Mr. Krabs: That reminds me. Where are all me customers?
Squidward: Probably out enjoying this beautiful day where it was meant to be enjoyed.
Mr. Krabs: Could you be a little more specific?
Squidward: They're at the beach.
Mr. Krabs: Boys, I forgot to tell ya! Close up shop. We're going to the beach today!
(The scene cuts to Goo Lagoon)
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there!
Mr. Krabs: My name is Eugene Krabs and I would like to know if I could interest either one of you in a fresh, delicious...
SpongeBob: (picks up a Krabby Patty with his spatula)
Mr. Krabs: Krabby Patty, fresh off the grill!
Frank (cameo character): Are they free?
Mr. Krabs: Yes! Today, they're only three dollars! Each.
Frank (cameo character): Sounds great. But I left my wallet up on the sand.
Squidward: I told you!
Frank (cameo character): (shrugs)
Sandy: -eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-haw! I love the beach!
SpongeBob: Oh, that noise was Sandy.
Sandy: Y'all be careful! Looks like some big waves a-comin'!
Squidward: Who are you?
Mr. Krabs: Either you buy a Patty, or get off me wave!
Squidward: What next?
Patrick: (pops up from underwater)
SpongeBob: Aloha, Patrick!
Mr. Krabs: Hey, there, young feller! How'd you like to be our first customer in over seventeen working days?
Patrick: I'd love to!
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, show him the menu.
Squidward: (holds up the menu)
Patrick: Uh, I can't quite see it from here. I'll just have to climb on board.
SpongeBob: Ha, ha, ha!! That's a good one Patrick: "on-board!" Whoa!
(Patrick is trying to climb onto the surfboard)
Mr. Krabs: Careful! You're gonna capsize us!
Patrick: Almost up! (shaking the board all over the place)
Squidward: You idiot!
Patrick: (waving arms uncontrollably. This moves the surfboard) Whoa, whoa, whoa! Eeeeeeee!
SpongeBob: Patrick! Look out!
Sandy: (riding a wave) Locals only!
Patrick: What'd she say?
Mr. Krabs: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! (hugs his cash register) Aaaaahhhhhh!
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
SpongeBob and Patrick: (hug Squidward) Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Sandy: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (lands on an island)
Mr. Krabs: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (lands in the middle of the ocean) Wha? Where'd the beach go? These waters are calm. Too calm. (Dark clouds fill the sky) Dark sky. (Blood shoots out of the water) Water spouts.... of blood. (Three donuts fall from the sky. Krabs takes a bite of one) Jelly donuts falling from the sky. What could this mean? There's only one logical answer. I've landed right in the middle of Dutchman's Triangle. Right above Davy Jones' Locker. In the Devil's Galley. (another donut falls from the sky)
(The scene cuts to an island. Not the one Sandy landed on, but an island.)
Awesome Eddie: Guys, look!
SpongeBob: (uses seaweed to draw in the sand)
Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing with that seaweed?
SpongeBob: Just dragging it around.
Twitch: Hey there, home-dads.
Twitch: Welcome to our remote island.
(Patrick is snoring)
Twitch: That's right, kemosabay. Island. Although, we sometimes refer to it as an... island.
SpongeBob: We were just at Goo Lagoon selling Krabby Patties when this big wave hit us. Now we're on an island?
Twitch: The ocean works in mysterious ways.
Awesome Eddie: And waves.
Twitch: Mysterious waves.
Island wanderers: (fold hands) Om. (except for Silent Stan but does put his hands together.)
Patrick: (folds hands) Om.
SpongeBob: How did you guys get here?
Twitch: Oh, we've been here since we dropped out of junior college. This is Awesome Eddie, Big G...
Twitch: Chip, and Silent Stan.
(Silent Stan makes a "Shocka!" sign since he can't talk)
Twitch: And I'm Twitch.
SpongeBob: Why do they call you Twitch?
Twitch: (twitches) What?
SpongeBob: Never mind.
(The scene cuts to either later that day or a few days later.)
SpongeBob: So what did you say this house is made from again?
SpongeBob: Well, it's been fun hanging out with you guys, but Mr. Krabs didn't give us the day off. So we gotta get back to Goo Lagoon.
Twitch: Yo, you're miles from the tourist track now, dude.
Awesome Eddie: Yeah. The only way back is to surf there.
SpongeBob: (scared): O-only way.... back... surfing.... Bikini Bottom? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (starts running in circles around the fire) I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SURF!!! (starts crying)
Awesome Eddie: Whoa, chill out, little dude. We can teach you.
SpongeBob: (stops running and crying) Cool!
(The scene cuts to a scene where Twitch is teaching SpongeBob and Patrick to surf. A narrator speaks.)
Narrator: Ah, learning how to surf. To some it comes as easily as eating an ice cream cone on a hot day.
(Twitch gives SpongeBob and Patrick each a surfboard)
(SpongeBob and Patrick take bites out of their surfboards)
Narrator: ... well... to them, it's like eating an ice cream cone... on a cold day. Sometimes, in surfing, it's the approach that's most important.
SpongeBob and Patrick: (throw their boards into the water)
Narrator: And sometimes, it's the retreat.
(SpongeBob and Patrick's surfboards get hit by a wave and are knocked back to shore. Everyone runs away from the flying surfboards, screaming.)
(SpongeBob, Patrick and Twitch are sitting on surfboards.)
Narrator: Once in a life-time, that perfect wave comes along. Not too big, not too small, and the surfer has to act fast...
Narrator: ... or he stands to miss the ride of his life.
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! Wanna see something cool?
Patrick: You bet!
SpongeBob: Down here! (goes underwater with Patrick) See? It's a picture of Squidward!
Narrator: But all in all, in life, it's not whether we win or lose, but whether we get totally stoked.
SpongeBob and Patrick: (running around while yelling, "Loo, loo, loo!" over and over again.)
(The scene cuts back to the house made of guano)
Twitch: Well, dudes, I give up.
Awesome Eddie: What?
Twitch: These ho-dads are impossible to teach. (twitches) Especially the one on the end over there. (points to Squidward, whose head is wet and has seaweed on it)
(Big G coughs)
Awesome Eddie: What's that?
(Big G coughs again)
Awesome Eddie: Oh, no. There's no way, dude. He'd never do it.
(Big G coughs again)
SpongeBob: What's he saying?
Twitch: He reminded us that there is one dude who could possibly teach you. If you can find him.
Twitch: His name (twitches) is Jack Kahuna Laguna. Or JKL, for short.
Awesome Eddie and Chip: Amen. (Big G coughs)
Twitch: We say that legend says that JKL was last seen up-river at the Kahmamoku Cove, where every wave is perfect.
Patrick: Will there be nachos there? (Squidward looks angrily at him)
(The scene cuts to the river that SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward are about to go into.)
SpongeBob: Thanks again for letting us borrow these surfboards, Twitch.
Twitch: (twitches) No problem. And just keep following the river straight up until you hit Kahmamoku Cove. Can't miss it.
SpongeBob: How far up stream did you say it was?
Twitch: Well, we don't know cause we've never ever been there.
Awesome Eddie: We're definitely afraid of this river and wouldn't even set foot in it if you paid us.
Twitch: Yeah, interpret that any way you want.
(On the TV version, the commercials are shown here. When they end, Sandy is shown lying on a beach.)
Sandy: Oh, where am I? Where is everybody? I'm stranded. SpongeBob, where are you?!!
(As a song plays, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward paddle themselves slowly up-river. Eventually, they come across a waterfall. Patrick takes a picture of it and SpongeBob stares at it, admiringly. Squidward sits, bored. Then, they go down a waterfall. They scream and land. At the bottom SpongeBob and Patrick laugh while Squidward sits, bored.)
SpongeBob: Could you pull over here? I gotta tie my shoe.
SpongeBob: (walks through a bush and comes across a sign that says, Welcome to Kahmamoku Cove, Home of J.K.L., ESO) Welcome to Kahmamoku Cove! JKL! Guys! Guys!! I found the Cove!! (giggles)
Squidward: I bet this guy won't even be here. If he's anything like that last group of dirty drop-outs.
- SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry, Squidward. He'll be here.
- Squidward: You've never even seen him!
SpongeBob: You've got to stop judging people by the way they look. (close-up on his face. He is very ugly)
Squidward: (grossed out) You're right.
Patrick: (pointing to a hut) Look!
(a surfboard begins to emerge from the hut)
SpongeBob: It's him!
Squidward: (sighs. The surfboard continues to come out. It is revealed to be huge) Oh, my j- (faints. A man emerges from the hut)
SpongeBob: It's JKL! Hail O great swami of the Gnarly Pounders! We seek audience with thee.
Patrick: Plus, we wanna talk to you.
SpongeBob: Will you teach us how to surf, O great one, so we may get back home? (JKL says nothing)
Squidward: Look, surf-boy, are you gonna teach us how to surf, or are we just gonna stand here and stare at you all day?
Patrick: I kinda like staring at him.
(Jack Kahuna Laguna jumps into the water with his surfboard. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward stare at him. Dolphins jump near the back of JKL's surfboard)
(SpongeBob and Patrick start to tear up)
SpongeBob: I've never seen anything more beautiful. Have you, Patrick?
Patrick: Not since I saw my first triple-layer cheese cake.
JKL: That... was your first lesson. (returns to his hut)
Squidward: What? You call that a lesson? We just stood here and watched you surf for two and a half hours!
(JKL magically has returned to the water. Now he is playing his drums) Just keep breathing.
(The scene cuts to Mr. Krabs sitting on half a surfboard in the middle of the ocean. He has put a piece of seaweed on the top of his cash register. He has also grown a gray beard.)
Mr. Krabs: Locust. Culinary! Oh. (pulls a shell out of the water) Look, Cashy! (breaks the shell in half and connects them to the sides of the seaweed) Earrings! Well, Cashy, I guess the Devil's Galley isn't so bad. As long as that Flying Dutchman doesn’t appear and stick us in Davy Jones' Locker! But that won't happen, will it Cashy? (Cashy's drawer shoots out and hits the Flying Dutchman in the head)
Flying Dutchman: Ow!
Mr. Krabs: Yah! It's the Flying Dutchman!
Dutchman: (drops his groceries) Aaahhh! It's some guy I've never seen before! Argh! Who be disturbing the Flying Dutchman's walk home from the communion store? You even spilled me milk!
Mr. Krabs: Well, there ain't no use crying over it. (Lightning bolts shoot everywhere) Yah! Don't worry, Cashy! I’ll protect ye!
(The scene cuts to the island where SpongeBob and his friends are. They are sitting around a fire.)
SpongeBob: Isn't Jack Kahuna Laguna the most totally awesome surf guru you've ever met, Squidward?
Squidward: I don't know about you two, but I'd like to get out of here at some point, and if his idea of teaching us is...
(JKL walks by the fire and sits down with his drums)
Squidward: (sarcastic) Oh, wonderful.
SpongeBob: Quiet, Squidward! I think we're about to receive another lesson.
JKL: (plays his drums. Eventually, he stops, lifts his hands to the air, then plays the drums again) Just... keep breathing. (returns to his hut)
Squidward: That's it?! I just wanna go home! (buries his head in his lap)
SpongeBob: Would it make you feel better if I went and talked to him?
Squidward: Oh, thank you. Thank you, SpongeBob. (SpongeBob walks away, then immediately returns) Well, did you talk to him?
SpongeBob: He said we just have to stare into this fire all night, and the secrets will be revealed.
Squidward: We're gonna be stuck here forever!!
(The scene cuts to Sandy's island)
Sandy: Well, Sandy, using only your bare hands and the resources found on this deserted island, you have not only survived, but thrived. You've built a five star hotel, a steam-powered generator, a car that runs on coconut milk, and even a espresso bar. I almost don't wanna leave. But I miss Bikini Bottom. Now I can find SpongeBob and the gang and fly us right back. (climbs into and activates her helicopter) Acorn 1 to Tower. Request clearance.
Dennis (cameo character): Roger, Acorn 1. You are clear for take-off.
(Sandy flies away)
(The scene cuts to Mr. Krabs, the Flying Dutchman, and Cashy.)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, please, Mr. Dutchman! I didn't mean to spill your groceries!
Flying Dutchman: Well, normally, I wouldn't mind, but I'm a little low on cash this month, so I have no way to pay for more. Unless you have some money I can borrow.
Mr. Krabs: No, I... (Dutchman grabs Cashy) Cashy! Please! Cashy is the closest thing to a friend I've ever had!
(The scene cuts to one of the islands. A wave washes up on on Squidward.)
Squidward: Oh, oh. Please tell me you two didn't stare into that fire all night.
SpongeBob and Patrick: (tired from staring all night) Okay...
Squidward: All right, I'm done! Hey, blondey! Teach me how to surf so I can go home, or I'm gonna...
JKL: You obviously didn't stare into the fire all night like your friends over there.
(SpongeBob and Patrick are knocked out.)
JKL: Those dudes are gonna make awesome surfers. (A storm of lightning only starts. JKL runs away.)
SpongeBob: Where's he going?! Come on! (chases after JKL)
(Patrick and Squidward follow SpongeBob. SpongeBob and Patrick are running, but Squidward is walking. SpongeBob and Patrick climb up a cliff.)
SpongeBob: (gets shocked by lightning) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Patrick: Look! He's on top of that big... drinking fountain!
(Squidward climbs the cliff)
(SpongeBob and Patrick climb the "drinking fountain" that is really a pyramid. Squidward follows)
SpongeBob: JKL! Is this the next part of our training?
JKL: (hands in the air. He says this in a strange, echoing voice) Uh...
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: (screaming in some way)
JKL: These clouds. They can only mean one thing.
Patrick: Increased chance of precipitation? (it starts raining)
JKL: Yes. Every thousand years or so, the planets align in such a way that a perfect wave is formed.
SpongeBob: A perfect wave?
JKL: The world's biggest, fastest, longest, gnarliest, most totally awesome, perfect wave. They call it.... the Big One.
Patrick: Hey, that's what they used to call me!
JKL: It's probably the only wave big enough for you to ride all the way back to Bikini Bottom. And you'll have to catch it, or you'll be stuck here... forever. (Huge lightning bolts flash) The Big One is almost upon us.
(The scene cuts to Mr. Krabs and the Flying Dutchman fighting over Cashy.)
Mr. Krabs: Please! Please, Mr. Dutchman! Let Cashy go! I promise I'll never soil your waters again!
Flying Dutchman: Ya promise?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, yes. I promise on my dear Aunt Sally's false teeth.
Flying Dutchman: (angry) Liar!!! (Huge lightning bolts flash. Storm clouds hover and waves emerge from the water)
Mr. Krabs: What?
Flying Dutchman: Your Aunt Sally doesn't wear false teeth!
Mr. Krabs: How do you know?
Flying Dutchman: Because I dated her in high school!
Mr. Krabs: (Gasp!) No!! (Dutchman takes Cashy)
Flying Dutchman: Whoops! (accidentally throws Cashy)
Sandy: This weather sure is dangerous! I better be careful! (Cashy hits the helicopter's windshield) May Day! May Day! I'm goin' down!! Repeat: Down!!!
Flying Dutchman: And now, just to make sure this never happens again, I'm gonna send you on a little trip down the- (Sandy's helicopter hits him in the head) -Ooh ow, ooh ow! Ooh! Ooh!
Mr. Krabs: Uh... where is that, exactly? (Dutchman lands on him. They both go underwater)
Sandy: (spinning out of control) May Day!
Mr. Krabs: (pops up from underwater) Oh, all alone again. (Cashy pops up from the water) Cashy!
Flying Dutchman: (lands at the bottom of the ocean. A sock lands on his face) Oh, what the... a gym sock? But that means...
Davy Jones: Yeah, that's right, baby! Welcome... to my locker! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! (singing) For a day-dream believer and a homecoming queen! (throws a sock at the Flying Dutchman)
(The scene cuts to Kahmamoku Cove)
JKL: Get ready, dudes. It's coming.
SpongeBob: JKL, thanks for teaching us how to surf.
JKL: Little dude, I didn't teach you anything you didn't already know.
Squidward: Here it comes!!
SpongeBob: Well, JKL, I guess this is good-bye.
JKL: Wait. There's something I forgot tell you. In return for its awesomeness, the Big One always demands a sacrifice. One of you... will not return.
Squidward: I volunteer SpongeBob.
(SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward surf toward the Big One)
SpongeBob: Keep paddling, Patrick!
Patrick: This wind feels like broken glass mixed with razor blades!
SpongeBob: It's... the Big One!!!!
Big One: Ha ha ha ha ha! (grabs Patrick's surfboard)
Big One: (puts salt on the surfboard and takes a bite of it) Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg!
Patrick: Hey, I was gonna eat that!
SpongeBob: Patrick, grab on!
Big One: (stares at Squidward)
Squidward: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (jumps on SpongeBob and Patrick's surfboard)
SpongeBob: Hang on, Squidward! This is it!
Patrick: Time for those lessons to pay off!
Squidward: Look! That's Mr. Krabs down there!
Mr. Krabs: You like it when I comb your hair, don't ya, Cashy?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! Hop on or you'll be stuck here forever!
Mr. Krabs: Who said that? (gets buried by the Big One)
SpongeBob: MR. KRABS!!! I never even got a chance to tell him that I...
JKL: (on his huge surfboard) Looking for this?
SpongeBob: JKL! And Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: And Cashy! (jumps on the other surfboard. Then, he drops Cashy) CASHY!!
(JKL dives off his surfboard)
(Cashy lands in the Big One's mouth. JKL follows.)
JKL: Little dude,... I was born to do this. (winks, waves good-bye, and is swallowed)
Big One: (burps)
Squidward: I guess the Big One prefers a high-protein meal.
Patrick: Now what are we gonna do?
SpongeBob: (plays JKL's drums. The storm clouds clear away and reveal a picture of JKL's face)
(The scene cuts to Goo Lagoon, where Nat and Shubie are lying on beach towels.)
Nat: You hear a noise?
(Sandy crashes down in her helicopter)
Lifeguard: Everybody, look! A You-foe! (meaning UFO)
Fish: A spaceman!
Harold\Bill: (holding a pitchfork) Don't make any funny moves, spaceman! You're not conquering our world without a fight!
Sandy: (slaps the pitchfork) I'm not a spaceman, you dunder-head! It's me, Sandy! SpongeBob's friend.
Beach goers: (act bored)
Sandy: Shucks. Now I'll never find SpongeBob and Patrick.
Sandy: My friends. They went surfing and never returned.
Fish: Is one of them, like, a little square dude with big teeth?
Sandy: You some kinda mind-reader?
Fish: No. (points at SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs)
People: Welcome home!!! (cheering)
SpongeBob: Hey, Twitch!!
Twitch: (twitches) Grab a guitar, dude! Let's party!
Big G: (coughs. Then, music starts)
Patrick: I love this song!
(JKL surfs in on a giant wave)
JKL: Just keep breathing. (holds up Cashy)
Mr. Krabs: Cashy!
SpongeBob: Turn it up, Chip!
(Chip plays his saxophone harder)
(Everyone is dancing)