Episode Transcript: Shell of a Man

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Fear of a Krabby Patty The Lost Mattress

Episode Article: Shell of a Man



(episode begins at the Krusty Krab)

SpongeBob: (putting the meat on a Krabby Patty) Easy... (takes all the condiments and throws them in the air. They all land nicely stacked on top of the patty) Perfection!

Squidward: Is number 5's order ready yet, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: Just a second, Squidward. Well, Krabby Patty, it's time for you to go now. (starts to tear) You grew up so fast, I...I promised myself I wouldn't do this. (gives the patty to Squidward) Just take it Squidward, take it away! (cries)

Squidward: Oh, brother. (into microphone) Number 5. Number 5.

SpongeBob: (shows a slip with the number 5 on it) That's me! (takes Krabby Patty and eats it) Mmm. My compliments to the chef! (laughs himself into the kitchen. Notices something) Hello, what's this? (gets close to the window of the door where his eyes and Mr. Krabs' eyes meet)

Mr. Krabs: Come out here, boy.

SpongeBob: (walks outside) Mr. Krabs? Whoa!

Mr. Krabs: (grabs SpongeBob and drags him under the dumpster) Hush, boy, or you'll give away your location of me hidey-hole.

SpongeBob: (whispering) What's a hidey-hole?

Mr. Krabs: It's where I hide me treasure. (pushes the dumpster aside and throws SpongeBob out of the hole) Whoa! Catch! (throws a treasure chest at SpongeBob) Let's get that chest to me office, boy, pronto!

SpongeBob: What's in this thing? Treasure?

Mr. Krabs: A treasure trove of sorts. It's me memory chest from my years in the navy.

SpongeBob: Why'd you dig up your navy chest, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Well, me navy buddies and I are having a reunion. I wanted to wear me old uniform. (opens chest)

SpongeBob: Wow, look at all your cool navy stuff! What's that?<

Mr. Krabs: Arrgh! (takes out a tattoo) It's me first tattoo.

SpongeBob: Neat.

Mr. Krabs: And this is me Manly Toughness Trophy. (holds up a trophy with an arm at the top)

SpongeBob: How'd you win that?

Mr. Krabs: By being the toughest of the tough!

SpongeBob: Wow! Ooh-ooh. Who are those guys? (pointing to a picture with five sailors in it)

Mr. Krabs: Me shipmates. The toughest bunch to ever sail the grimy deep. There's "'Ol Iron Eye", (shows guy with iron for an eye), and "Mutton Chop", (shows guy holding a wrench), me, (shows Mr. Krabs in a navy suit), "Torpedo Belly", (shows big guy with torpedo in his belly), and "Lockjaw Jones". (shows guy with a big jaw leaning on an anchor)

SpongeBob: Did you have a cool nickname, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Of course! I was called "Armor Abs Krabs".

SpongeBob: You were?

Mr. Krabs: What do you mean?

SpongeBob: Well, I guess you were thinner back then.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, really? (takes his navy suit) This is me navy cadet uniform. Prepare to eat your words 'cause I haven't put on more than a couple of pounds. (rips navy suit while trying to put it on) OK, maybe I'm a bit bigger. But I'm still the toughest of the tough. Go ahead, lad, give 'em a punch.

SpongeBob: You want me to punch you in the stomach?

Mr. Krabs: Not in the stomach, lad! In me armor abs!

SpongeBob: (punches Mr Krabs in the abs but his arm breaks into little pieces) Wow, my entire arm disintegrated.

Mr. Krabs: I still got it. Be a good lad, go get your station in ship shape. And leave an old sea-dog to revel in his memories.

SpongeBob: Aye, aye, sir! (opens kitchen door) Alright, let's get this place ship shape. You men, stop laying around! (point to potatoes) To battle stations. (pouring fries into the grease fryer) All hands on deck! (puts 10 Krabby Patties on the grill) That calls for full flavor. (turns knob on stove to the right) Ketchup and mustard off the port bow. (stepping on ketchup and mustard containers) One Krabby Patty ready to set sail. (holding Krabby Patty up)

Mr. Krabs: (offscreen) No!! (SpongeBob drops his Krabby Patty)

SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs. (knocks once on Mr. Krabs door and it opens) Huh? Mr. Krabs? Hello? (Mr. Krabs is shown head down on his desk) Mr. Krabs? You alright? Are you sleepy? (pokes Mr. Krabs body knocking it to the floor revealing a headless Mr. Krabs) Mr. Krabs!! (sniffs his arm) I don't smell his pulse. (a figure in the background rushes past SpongeBob) What's that? (the figure is behind a barrel) Is somebody there?

Mr. Krabs: Don't look at me!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs: Leave me be.

SpongeBob: (throws barrel away) You're alive! And...naked...

Mr. Krabs: (crying) It's true. I've molted.

SpongeBob: What's molted?

Mr. Krabs: It's when a crab gets too fat--uh, well--outgrows his shell. It falls off.

SpongeBob: Wow.

Mr. Krabs: 'Armor Abs Krabs' can't show up at the reunion like this. All pink and soft and unmanly. I'm all flab and no ab!

SpongeBob: Barnacles!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Sorry about the foul language, Mr Krabs, but you're acting like there never was a man in that shell. The Krabs of his navy days was fearless. He wouldn't let something as insignificant as a missing shell slow him down.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah.

SpongeBob: Who cares how silly, pink & fleshy you look. How non-threatening, limp & soggy you are. How... (Mr Krabs cries) ...oops.

Mr. Krabs: I can't go anywhere ever again. Stupid, no good... (kicks shell into the wall which ricochets back at SpongeBob making him scream. SpongeBob turns over and slides into Mr. Krabs shell)

SpongeBob: Wow, it sure is dark in here. (pokes head through the shell) Look Mr. Krabs, I'm you!

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, you're a genius.

SpongeBob: Well, I'm glad you got my point. It's not what's about on the outside. It's what's on the inside.

Mr. Krabs: No, you barnacle brain. Not your silly metaphor. You, in me shell. It gives me an idea. You can go to the reunion and pretend to be me.

SpongeBob: I get to be a navy buddy?

Mr. Krabs: Of course, you'll need some time to proximate me personality.

SpongeBob: Oh, that'll be a snap. Squidward and I have been doing it behind your back for years. (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: Alright, show me what you got.

SpongeBob: (pulls nose out to look like Mr. Krabs' then imitates his voice) Look at me, I'm Mr. Krabs. I love money.

Mr. Krabs: Heh heh. Say, that ain't half-bad.

SpongeBob: I once won a marathon because someone dropped a penny at the finish line.

Mr. Krabs: That's me. (laughs)

SpongeBob: Every night, I tuck me wallet in and tell it a bedtime story. (pulls covers over the wallet) Goodnight, wallety. (kisses the wallet)

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, okay. I get the point.

SpongeBob: Oh, what's that you say? Me daughter Pearl needs an operation? I'll do it me self and save a nickel. (laughs)

Mr. Krabs: That'll do, SpongeBob. (bubble-wipe to the reunion)

SpongeBob: Well, here goes...wow. I've never seen so many manly naval men. So tough, so brave, so...clever. And I'm one of them! (at the reunion there is a tough man lifting Nancy on a treasure chest)

Mr. Krabs: (hiding in a coral plant) No, you're not. Don't blow this for me, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: I won't let you down.

Mutton Chop: Armor Abs Krabs. Come join your navy buddies in a toast.

SpongeBob: (high-pitched voice) Coming! (runs over to the table)

Mr. Krabs: Oh, what have I done?

SpongeBob: Okay boys, let the S.S Party drop anchor right here.

Mr. Krabs: I've created a monster.

Lockjaw Jones: Here's some grog. You still like pineapple, right?

SpongeBob: Like pineapple? I live in one. (everyone laughs)

Torpedo Belly: That ol' Krabs is as manly as ever.

'Mr. Krabs: I don't believe it. SpongeBob is pulling it off.

Mutton Chop: Hey Armor Abs, Ol' Iron Eye here has been itching to punch your legendary gut.

SpongeBob: Well, if you think you're man enough.

Mr. Krabs: Uh-oh, this could be bad.

SpongeBob: Fire the torpedo. (Iron Eye punches SpongeBob. Bounces around in the shell then comes up dizzy)

Mutton Chop: What do you say, Krabs? Just like old times. (SpongeBob spits out a tooth)

Lockjaw Jones: A tooth? (spits out two more teeth)

Torpedo Belly: Teeth. Now that's manly. (SpongeBob spits out his skeleton and everyone cheers)

Mr. Krabs: He did it.

Captain: Alright me swabbys, it's time to award the trophy of manly toughness to a man who's toughness has stewed the test of time. That man is: Eugene 'Armor Abs' Krabs. Hey, come up here Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: This is the best night of my life. Me naval buddies still think I'm manly. And I didn't have to shame myself.

Naval Buddies: (chanting) Armor Abs! Armor Abs! Armor Abs!

SpongeBob: Thanks for the trophy everybody. (laughs)

Naval Buddies: (chanting) Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

SpongeBob: I...

Mr. Krabs: Say something.

SpongeBob: Let me spin you a manly yarn.

Mr. Krabs: 'Atta boy.

SpongeBob: So there I was, in Jellyfish Fields.

Mr. Krabs: I'm doomed.

SpongeBob: Me supply of bubble soap was dangerously low. And as I blew my last bubble...

Mutton Chop: Did he say Jellyfish Fields?

Iron Eye: Blowing bubbles?

Mutton Chop: Uhh, what were you doing in Jellyfish Fields?

SpongeBob: Why jellyfishing, of course.

Naval Buddies: Huh?

Mr. Krabs: Uh...uh, phone call for Mr. Krabs. (SpongeBob is confused) Get off the stage.

SpongeBob: Oh, uh, well I gotta go. Thanks. (runs off the stage)

Torpedo Belly: Where do you think you're going? Everybody knows there's 2 things ol' Armor Abs Krabs would never do.

Mr. Krabs: Oh no.

Lockjaw Jones: Number 1, is spend a penny.

Torpedo Belly: And the other one is leave without giving Ol' Torpedo Belly one of your world famous steely belly butts. Haha.

SpongeBob: Oh, I thought you'd seen through my ruse. I mean, arrgh, you don't think I was just gonna collect this here trophy of manly toughness without reminding you silly livers why you give it to me in the first place. Let's have at it. No holding back. Give it your all.

Mr. Krabs: I can't watch. (SpongeBob and Torpedo Belly butt each other in the stomach and Torpedo Belly sends SpongeBob flying)

Torpedo Belly: Armor Abs? (SpongeBob flies into a sign and then back into Torpedo Belly breaking the shell) Ow! (SpongeBob is revealed)

SpongeBob: (everyone is angry) Well, uhh, I-I-I-I-I-I...I guess I'll take my manly toughness trophy and head home now. Uh...see you around manville boys...men.

Mr. Krabs: No! He's not Eugene Krabs. I am. (everyone gasps) Alright lads, take a good look. This is who I am. I've molted me shell and I'm vulnerable. (cries) But I'm certainly no bubble-blowing jellyfisher. No offense, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: None taken, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: Come on lad, let's go home.

Mutton Chop: Wait a minute! You've forgotten something. (hands trophy to Mr. Krabs)

Mr. Krabs: I don't understand.

Mutton Chop: Admitting you lost your shell was the toughest thing I've ever seen. And, uhh, I have a confession. (rips off sideburns) These are fake!

SpongeBob: What?!

Mr. Krabs: (at the same time) Wha...?!

Torpedo Belly: Over here.

Mr. Krabs: You too, Torpedo Belly?

Torpedo Belly: Actually, I had my torpedo removed long ago.

Lockjaw Jones: And these aren't the same choppers that I had in the navy.

Iron Eye: My iron eye is actually made of Formica. (everyone laughs)

SpongeBob: Look at that, Mr. Krabs. Your navy buddies all had something to hide.

Mr. Krabs: Yeah, poor suckers. At least my shell will grow back. (both laugh)

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