Episode Transcript: No Hat for Pat
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Episode Article: No Hat for Pat
- Patrick (The Falling Fool)
- Mr. Krabs
- Nat Peterson
- Billy (Teenager)
- Fred (Blue version)
- The Pink Fish
(SpongeBob is trying to open the door, but Patrick is sleeping outside and blocking his door. SpongeBob tries to push the door, opening the door slightly. Then he looks at Patrick)
SpongeBob: Patrick! (closes the door. Patrick's head falls down, which makes Patrick wake up) What are you doing out here, silly?
Patrick: I'm waiting for you, so we can play the day away. (notices SpongeBob's hat and grumbles) Barnacles! You're wearing that dumb hat, again! Every time you wear that stupid thing, you're gone for the whole day!
SpongeBob: That's because this is my work hat, Patrick. I have to wear it when I go to work.
Patrick: Why don't you just take it off?
SpongeBob: (laughs) I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, buddy.
Patrick: Ugh! I hate that hat! (throws SpongeBob's hat, but it flies back onto SpongeBob's head) Fine, have it your way, hat! (Squidward walks out) Hmph. Looks like Squidward has time to play. Hey, Squidward!
Squidward: What? (puts on hat)
Patrick: Oh no! He's got the hat, too!
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll be back from work at six. We can play then.
Patrick: I'll show you, SpongeBob! I'll get a job and a hat! (bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab, where a kid is adding ketchup to his fries)
Mr. Krabs: Whoa, whoa, that's enough, lad. What do ya think, I'm made of ketchup? Now run along, boy. (notices a group of tourists) That sounds like... a band of roaming tourists. (runs out of the Krusty Krab) Wait, come back! Don't ya wanna give me your money?! They're a slippery bunch. What do I have to do to catch 'em, stand around out here all day? (notices Patrick) What are you doing there, Patrick?
Patrick: Standin' around out here all day.
Mr. Krabs: (gets an idea) How would you like a job, Patrick?
Patrick: Oh boy, gimme my hat!
Mr. Krabs: You'll get your hat, but first you have to entice people into the restaurant by standin' right here and holdin' this sign. (hands Patrick an arrow-shaped sign saying "The Krusty Krab") That's not to tough for ya, is it boy?
Patrick: Sounds complicated, but if it gets me a work hat. (holds up the sign) How's this?
Mr. Krabs: Perfect. You'll be wearin' that hat in no time at all. (walks into the Krusty Krab, watching Patrick) Hee hee hee.
SpongeBob: What's shakin' Mr. K?
Mr. Krabs: You're buddy Patrick. I hired him to stand out there and hold that sign.
SpongeBob: Oh, he is good.
Mr. Krabs: And look. He's about reel in his first customer.
Harold: Can you direct me to the Krusty Krab please? (Patrick holds the sign so it's pointing at the Chum Bucket. Harold runs into the Chum Bucket)
Mr. Krabs: What does he think he's doing?! (multiple fish walk past Patrick) They're walkin' right past him. (runs outside to Patrick) Patrick, you need to get their attention, boy.
Patrick: Okay. (hits a fish in the head with the sign)
Mr. Krabs: That ain't the kind of attention we need! Why don't you show a little razzle-dazzle, maybe give the sign a little twirl or something. (spins the sign, causing it to fly out of Patrick's hands. Hands the sign back to Patrick) Just keep workin' on that one, eh boy? Listen, if any tourists come by, why don't you blow them away with a little extra twirl.
Patrick: Any thing for my new hat. (sees tourists approaching, so he spins the sign very fast, causing the tourists and Mr. Krabs to be blown away)
Patrick: Do I get my hat, now Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Ehhh... what the heck. It pays to advertise. (gives Patrick a Krusty Krab hat)
Patrick: Yeah! Wheeee! (falls on his face, gets back up and falls down again)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's the matter with Patrick?
SpongeBob: Patrick, what's the matter?
Patrick: Sometimes when I'm nervous, I forget how to stand!
SpongeBob: He's nervous.
Blue Fish: Ha ha! Look at that guy! He can't even stand on his own two feet!
Pink Fish: Now that's something I'd pay for to watch! (Mr. Krabs looks at them, then his neck stretches out over to them)
Mr. Krabs: You mean, CASH money?!
Pink Fish: Well, heck, yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Five dollars please! (gets money) All right! (Patrick falls) There's that sound again! (tourists appear and laugh at Patrick) They're loving it! Patrick, you've captured the attention of all these tourists with your ridiculous flap-doodle!
Patrick: (dizzy) I did?
Mr. Krabs: That's right! I think we've finally found a job you're good at: Being a absolute buffoon! (walks to tourists) If it's falling you crave, then it can be found exclusively at the Krusty Krab! For just $5. (five fingers appear on Mr. Krabs' claws. The tourists hand him money. Bubble-wipe to the Krusty Krab. Patrick falls and everybody is laughing and cheering)
Squidward: It's official. (everyone is still laughing) I hate everyone. (Patrick walks into the kitchen and falls down. Everyone laughs, but Squidward isn't) You call that entertainment? Well, brace yourselves for some true entertainment! (plays his clarinet)
SpongeBob: Patrick, you alright?
Patrick: I'm fine. (in the dining area, Squidward is playing his clarinet and "dancing," for lack of a better term. Everyone "boos" at him)
Pink Fish: Oh, what is that horrible noise?! (customers begin to leave) Let's get out of here! (Squidward keeps dancing but then bumps into Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: What do you think you're doing, Squidward?
Squidward: I'm entertaining those heathens.
Mr. Krabs: We've got all the entertainment we need, thank you very much! (points to Patrick, but he's not there) Hey, where'd he go?
SpongeBob: (guiding Patrick, who has a tissue in his nose) That's it, buddy. Come on.
Mr. Krabs: What's with him?
SpongeBob: Patrick had a bloody nose, so I was going to walk him home.
Mr. Krabs: A bloody nose, eh? Do ya think I was born yesterday, boy? He doesn't even have a nose. Now everybody, get back to work! I'm not running a happy factory here! (SpongeBob, Squidward and Patrick get back into there positions; to Patrick) Keep up the good work!
Patrick: Aye, aye, captain! (time card appears)
French Narrator: Six hours later... (Patrick is still falling and three customers are watching as Billy passes by)
Billy: Hey, is that guy still flopping?
Customer: Yeah! Amazing, isn't it?
Billy: Doesn't that get old?
Customer: He's got a point. Let's get out of here.
Billy: Me too, I'm out. (everyone begins to leave)
Mr. Krabs: Hey! What's going on?
Harold: This guy's act is stale! We crave excitement!
Mr. Krabs: You want excitement? Well, what if I added a box? (puts Patrick on a box and he falls from it)
Billy: Sort of the same thing, really.
Mr. Krabs: Well, what if he fell from two boxes... (adds another box, but the customers are still bored) ...into cream pie? (puts cream pie in place)
Patrick: I like pie.
Billy: Say, that sounds great! (crowd becomes excited)
Mr. Krabs: Okay, let 'er rip! (Patrick falls headfirst into the pie; to Squidward) If the crowd gets bored, add more boxes!
Squidward: Whatever. (bubble-wipe to that night. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking home. Patrick looks morbidly disheveled)
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick... How are you feeling after your first day on the job?
Patrick: I feel like a million BUCKS... (falls over)
SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick, are you all right? Say something! (Patrick mumbles incoherently) OK, that's it! No best friend of mine is going to suffer permanent brain trauma just so Mr. Krabs can make a quick buck. I'm going to go have a talk with him right--
Patrick: (grabs SpongeBob) No! P-please, don't tell Mr Krabs! You don't understand. For years, people have been telling me, "You're no good!" Now I'm good! I have a hat to prove it! I don't wanna go back to being No Hat Patrick! (cries)
SpongeBob: OK, buddy, I understand. Just promise me one thing.
Patrick: What's that, pal?
SpongeBob: Just be careful, hm?
Patrick: (hugs him) Thanks, pal. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob walking to work)
SpongeBob: I'm worried about Patrick. I'm not sure his new job is good for him. (enters the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs is dressed in a suit and speaking through a megaphone. Above him is a diving board-like platform, and a bucket of spiked sea urchins is next to him)
Mr. Krabs: Step right up! See the part time minimum wage employee fall atop this tower into this bucket of spiny sea urchins!
Sandals: This should be good.
Patrick: (he is being hauled to the top of the platform) Hey SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Mr Krabs, you can't let him do this! He might get hurt!
Mr. Krabs: It's OK, boy. He signed a waiver. (shows the waiver to him) Is he ready, Mr. Squidward?
Mr. Krabs: OK! Get back, boy, you wouldn't want to stain your uniform.
Patrick: Hey, good idea. Hey, Squidward, could you hold me hat so it won't get hurt? (gives hat to Squidward) Thanks, buddy.
Mr. Krabs: Ready, Patrick?
Patrick: Ready! (prepares to dive from the platform)
SpongeBob: Oh, I can't watch!
Harold: Hey! Eww! (Patrick tries to fall several times, but fails)
Mr. Krabs: Come on, Patrick! We've got a perfectly good bucket of spiny sea urchins down here!
Patrick: I'm trying! (tries to fall several times again, still without success) Argh, I think I'm stuck!
Mr. Krabs: Stuck? Well if that don't... (mumbles angrily and climbs a ladder to the platform) What's the hold up, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: Don't look at me, I'm just here to hold his hat.
Mr. Krabs: Patrick, why have you stopped falling?
Patrick: I dunno, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Well you'd better figure it out. These people paid good money for a floor show full of pain and humiliation. Now make with the cods-wallop, pal, understand?
Patrick: Uh huh.
Mr. Krabs: Don't make me come back here.
Patrick: Hey, Squidward, do you think you could, uh, you know...? (mimes pushing)
Squidward: You want me to push you off your precarious perch into a bucket of spiny sea urchins? Oh, if only you were SpongeBob. OK, I'll do it! (charges at Patrick, but misses and falls. Screams. The hat is spinning in the air)
Patrick: Thanks, Squidward! (Squidward is shown falling, the background panning up as he falls. Patrick is shown again) Oh, my hat. Gotcha! (grabs his hat and puts it on) All right, back where you beloooong! (falls and screams. Squidward is shown falling again. Then the bucket of sea urchins is shown, with the camera zooming in. A close-up of Squidward is shown)
Harold: Great, we get to see two for the price of one!
Mr. Krabs: I don't think so.
Harold: Fine. (pays Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: Thank you. (Squidward is shown, still falling. Patrick appears)
Patrick: Look, Squidward, I'm falling!
Squidward: Oh, I'm so happy for you!
Patrick: I figured it out; it's the hat that makes me fall, it makes me top heavy! (cut to the urchin bucket, with the crowd watching. Squidward crashes into the urchin bucket. Patrick lands on top of him)
SpongeBob: So it was your hat that was making you fall the whole time!
Nat: I paid to see two guys get maimed.
Harold: Yeah, I want a refund.
Mr. Krabs: Sorry, absolutely no refunds. (customers grumble) Hold on there, what's the big idea? (customers tear up his clothes and money flies in the air. A fight cloud forms) Grandma, help! (the fight cloud clears out to reveal Mr. Krabs, who is now in his underwear, spinning like a bottle before stopping. Rushes to Patrick) All right, you leave me no choice.
Patrick: You're giving me a raise?
Mr. Krabs: Not even close, you're fired. (removes the hat from Patrick, who becomes teary-eyed) As long as I'm still standing, you will never wear this hat again! (walks away with the hat. Patrick cries)
SpongeBob: (walks up to Patrick) Patrick, are you OK?
Patrick: Well, I guess it's back to being No Hat Pat! (sadly walks out of the Krusty Krab. A epilogue card appears)
French Narrator: Epilogue.
SpongeBob: (walking home with Patrick) It's okay, Patrick. Not everyone is equipped to bear the awesome weight of responsibility that a uniform hat represents. But you can wear mine any time you want.
SpongeBob: Sure thing, pal. (gives Patrick his hat)
Patrick: (puts the hat on and falls over) Thanks, SpongeBob! You're the best!
SpongeBob: Anytime, pal! Anytime!