Episode Transcript: I'm With Stupid

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==Characters==
 
==Characters==
*[[Patrick]]
+
*[[Patrick Star|Patrick]]
*[[SpongeBob]]
+
*[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]
 
*[[Marty]]
 
*[[Marty]]
 
*[[Janet]]
 
*[[Janet]]
 
*[[Herb]]
 
*[[Herb]]
 
*[[Margie]]
 
*[[Margie]]
*[[Squidward]]
+
*[[Squidward Tentacles|Squidward]]
 
*[[Gary]]
 
*[[Gary]]
  
 
==Dialogue==
 
==Dialogue==
(SpongeBob, Squidward and Patrick's houses are seen. Patrick's house is shaking. SpongeBob knocks on it. Every time he does it closes. He opens it himself. Patrick is cleaning. He featherdusts SpongeBob.)
+
(SpongeBob, Squidward and Patrick's houses are seen. Patrick's house is shaking. SpongeBob knocks on it. Every time he does, it closes. He opens it himself. Patrick is cleaning. He featherdusts SpongeBob)
  
Patrick: Need...furniture! (makes a lamp post model)<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Need...furniture! (makes a lamp post model)<br>
  
SpongeBob: Patrick, what's with the home improvement? (Patrick continues to clean) Hey, Patrick! Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing. But I can see you're busy having an episode.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, what's with the home improvement? (Patrick barks and continues to clean) Hey, Patrick! (Patrick continues to clean) Well Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing, but I can see you're busy having an episode.<br>
  
Patrick: (stops cleaning. his face turns mad.) Do you know whatm SpongeBob? It's all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. (imitates SpongeBob) Why, let's go jellyfishing! It's not like we have any work to do! Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews! And nobody has anything to dust or to clean or to wipe! Or fabricate!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (stops cleaning. His face turns mad) You know something, SpongeBob? It's just all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. (imitates SpongeBob) Well, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do! Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews! And nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe... OR FABRICATE!<br>
  
SpongeBob: But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate!<br>
  
Patrick: (starts crying) I don't know what to do, SpongeBob! You've got to help me!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (starts crying) I don't know what to do, SpongeBob! You've got to help me!<br>
  
SpongeBob: (gasps) Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' (gasps) Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel.<br>
  
Patrick: It's not that, SpongeBob. It's worse.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': No, it's not that, SpongeBob. It's worse.<br>
  
SpongeBob: Darn, I liked the funnel. Then what is it?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Darn, I liked the funnel. Well, what is it, then?<br>
  
Patrick: Look! (takes out a rolled-up piece of paper from his belly button)<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Look! (takes out a rolled-up piece of paper from his belly button)<br>
  
SpongeBob: Hey, a note! (a sixteenth note is shown)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Hey, a note! (a sixteenth note is shown)<br>
  
Patrick: Turn it over, there's a letter! (the letter B is shown)<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Yeah, but turn it over! There's a letter! (the letter B is shown)<br>
  
SpongeBob: You're right!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' You're right!<br>
  
Patrick: And, I got this message from my parents!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': And, I got this message from my parents!<br>
  
SpongeBob: Your parents? (reads the note out loud) Dear Patrick, your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but not too hard, or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Your parents? (reads the note out loud) Dear Patrick, your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but don't try too hard, or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy.<br>
  
Patrick: SpongeBob, my parents think I'm dumber than a bag of diapers.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, my parents think I'm dumber than a sack of diapers.<br>
  
SpongeBob: No, they don't, Patrick. They just like to push your buttons. Beep!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' No, they don't, Patrick. Parents just like to push your buttons. Like this! (pushes Patrick's belly button and his eyes elongate) Beep!<br>
  
Patrick: (laughing) That one cheered me up. At least for today.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (laughing) That always cheers me up. But not today.<br>
  
SpongeBob: Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is.<br>
  
Patrick: But don't they watch television?<br>
+
'''Patrick''': But don't they watch television?<br>
  
SpongeBob: That's what I'm saying, Pat! If they got to meet a real dummy, they'd realize what a genius you really are!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' That's what I'm saying, Pat! If they got to meet a real dummy, they'd realize what a genius you really are!<br>
  
Patrick: But don't genies live in a lamp? And besides, we don't know andy dumb people. Don't worry, Patrick! I'll be the dummy! When your parents see how dumb I act, they'll think you're the smartest guy ever!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': But don't genies live in a lamp? And besides, we don't know any dumb people.<br>
  
Patrick: Math is power!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Don't worry, Patrick! I'll be the dummy! When your parents see how dumb I act, they'll think you're the smartest guy ever!<br>
  
(cut to the next day. Patrick is in front of his mirror.)
+
'''Patrick''': Math is power!
  
Patrick: A B C D E F G...(doorbell rings) Oh! It must be them!<br>
+
(cut to the next day. Patrick is in front of his mirror)
  
Janet: Can I get the bullhorn again, Marty?<br>
+
'''Patrick''': A B C D E F G...(doorbell rings) Oh! H I J K L M N O...!<br>
  
Patrick: The what? (Marty is so bored from banging that he still knocks on Patrick's head) Hi Mom, Hi Dad!<br>
+
'''Janet:''' Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty?<br>
  
Marty: Son! You recognized us this time!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': W X Y and Z? (Marty is so bored from banging that he still knocks on Patrick's head) Hi, mom. Hi, dad.<br>
  
Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?<br>
+
'''Marty:''' Son! You recognized us this time!<br>
  
Marty: Son, you never were a bright one. (Patrick wonders. Marty laughs) Aren't you gonna show us inside?<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?<br>
  
Janet: He probably forgot where it is!<br>
+
'''Marty:''' You never were a bright one. (Patrick wonders. Marty laughs) Aren't you gonna show us inside?<br>
  
Patrick: Well I know where it...<br>
+
'''Janet:''' He probably forgot where it is!<br>
  
Marty: Oh. Let me lead the way so we don't get lost. (Patrick, Marty and Janet hold hands) Ok, son, hold hands now! (inside the house) Ok, we're almost there! Let go on three. One...two...three!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Well I know where it...<br>
  
Janet: Good job!<br>
+
'''Marty:''' Oh. Let me lead the way so we don't get lost. (Patrick, Marty and Janet hold hands) Ok, son, hold hands now! (inside the house) Ok, we're almost there! Let go on three. One...two...three!<br>
  
Marty and Janet: Pats for Patrick! (both laugh)<br>
+
'''Janet:''' Good job!<br>
  
Patrick: I'll go get the beverages. (Patrick holds a tray full of drinks)<br>
+
'''Marty and Janet:''' Pats for Patrick! (both laugh)<br>
  
Marty: Wow, son! You put the drinks in something this time! Ah, son, you must have been working all night to put these together for us!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': I'll go get the beverages. (Patrick holds a tray full of drinks)<br>
  
Janet and Marty: We love you! (both kiss Patrick)<br>
+
'''Marty:''' Wow, son! You put the drinks in something this time! Ah, son, you must have been working all night to put these together for us!<br>
  
Patrick: (doorbell rings) Hooray, the idiot is here! I mean, I'll get it!<br>
+
'''Janet and Marty:''' We love you! (both kiss Patrick)<br>
  
SpongeBob: Protective helmet, check.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (doorbell rings) Hooray, the idiot is here! I mean, I'll get it!<br>
  
Gary: Meow.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Protective helmet, check.<br>
  
SpongeBob: I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary!<br>
+
'''Gary:''' Meow.<br>
  
Gary: Meow? (goes back to SpongeBob's house)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary!<br>
  
SpongeBob: What could go wrong? (Patrick's rock opens)<br>
+
'''Gary:''' Meow? (goes back to SpongeBob's house)<br>
  
Patrick: What a surprise!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' What could go wrong? (Patrick's rock opens)<br>
  
SpongeBob: Hi.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': What a surprise!<br>
  
Patrick: Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor, SpongeBob!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Hi.<br>
  
SpongeBob: Hi.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor, SpongeBob!<br>
  
Marty: Hello there!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Hi.<br>
  
Janet: How do you do?<br>
+
'''Marty:''' Hello there!<br>
  
SpongeBob: Hi. (walks to Patrick's parents)<br>
+
'''Janet:''' How do you do?<br>
  
Marty: Put it there. (SpongeBob puts a doll on his hand)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Hi. (walks to Patrick's parents)<br>
  
Doll: Mama! Mama!
+
'''Marty:''' Put her there. (SpongeBob puts a doll on his hand)<br>
  
Patrick: He means "shake". (SpongeBob shakes his entire body) No, SpongeBob, no! Shake hands! (SpongeBob shakes both his hands) No, SpongeBob! Grab my dad's hand. (puts both his hands and his left leg on Marty's hand) Garb it with only one hand! (puts his left leg and hand down) Good boy! Now move your arm up and down! (he moves his elbow up and down. Patrick giggles.)<br>
+
'''Doll:''' Mama! Mama!
  
Janet: Well, SpongeBob. Do you live nearby?
+
'''Patrick''': He means "shake". (SpongeBob shakes his entire body) No, SpongeBob, no! Shake hands! (SpongeBob shakes both his hands) No, SpongeBob! Grab my dad's hand. (puts both his hands and his left leg on Marty's hand) Grab it with only one hand! (puts his left leg and hand down) Good boy! Now move your arm up and down! (he moves his shoulder up and down. Patrick giggles)<br>
  
SpongeBob: Hi.
+
'''Janet:''' So, SpongeBob. Do you live nearby?
  
Patrick: No, SpongeBob. Show him your house! (reveals a blouse) No, not your blouse! Your house! (SpongeBob runs over to his house)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Hi.
  
Janet: He lives in a fruit?<br>
+
'''Patrick''': No, SpongeBob. Show them your house! (reveals a blouse) No, not your blouse! Your house! (SpongeBob runs over to his house)<br>
  
Marty: That's unhealthy.<br>
+
'''Janet:''' He lives in a fruit?<br>
  
Patrick: (giggling)Hey, SpongeBob! Do you want to stay for dinner! (SpongeBob does some weird thing.)
+
'''Marty:''' That's unhealthy.<br>
  
(Patrick, Marty and Janet are watching television while eating TV dinners)
+
'''Patrick''': (giggles) Hey, SpongeBob! You wanna stay for dinner? (SpongeBob blabbles like an idiot)
  
Marty: Does he always do that after he eats?
+
(Later, Patrick, Marty and Janet are watching television while eating TV dinners)
  
Patrick: Only on Wednesdays. (reveals SpongeBob pushing his nose to reveal his underwear. SpongeBob makes an alarm sound after that. Patrick giggles.)<br>
+
'''Marty:''' Does he always do that after he eats?
  
Marty: (starts giggling with Patrick) Um, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Only on Wednesday. (pan over to SpongeBob pushing his nose to reveal his underwear. When he lets go, his pants pull up by themselves. This is repeated a few times. SpongeBob makes an alarm sound after that. Patrick giggles)<br>
  
Patrick: Yeah. It would take more than masking tape to fix that guy. (SpongeBob balances on his nose while making a fire truck sound. Makes other various sounds)<br>
+
'''Marty:''' (starts giggling with Patrick) Uh, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken.<br>
  
Marty: Whoa! Do you think he'll be okay?<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Yeah, and it would take more than some masking tape to fix that guy. (SpongeBob balances on his nose while making a fire truck sound. Makes other various sounds)<br>
  
Patrick: Oh, that's nothing. You sould see him in the morning. Prancing around yelling "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" He drives all the neighbors crazy! Why, just the other day, our neighbor Squidward was...(SpongeBob crashes into the walls. It's really not help for him. I mean, look at the way he dresses. Only someone with holes drilled in their head would wear that stuff! And how about his shape! I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested, but not box-chested! (Janet, Marty and Patrick laugh. SpongeBob frowns) Hey, SpongeBob do you have any maskara I could borrow? (makes his eyebrows sound like elastic rubber bands)<br>
+
'''Marty:''' Whoa! Is he gonna be okay?<br>
  
Marty: The boy wears make-up?<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Oh, that's nothing. (dolphin chirping) You should see him in the morning, prancing around yelling "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" (rooster crows) He drives all the neighbors crazy! (horn) Why, just the other day, our neighbor Squidward was...(SpongeBob crashes into the walls while an elephant trumpets in the background) There's really no help for him. I mean, look at the way he's dressed. Only somebody with holes drilled in their head would wear that stuff! And how about his shape? I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested, but never box-chested! (Janet, Marty and Patrick laugh) Hey, SpongeBob, do you have any mascara I could borrow? (makes his eyebrows sound like elastic rubber bands)<br>
  
Janet: What a car!<br>
+
'''Marty:''' (chuckles) The boy wears make-up?<br>
  
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! Patrick!<br>
+
'''Janet:''' What a card!<br>
  
Patrick: Awe, he said my name.<br>
+
(Janet, Marty and Patrick laugh. SpongeBob frowns)
  
Marty: Wow, how'd you train him to do that?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Hey, Patrick! Patrick!<br>
  
(SpongeBob is mad. He bites Patrick's finger)
+
'''Patrick''': Aww, he said my name.<br>
  
Patrick: Ow! He bit me!<br?
+
'''Marty:''' Wow! How'd you train him to do that?<br>
  
SpongeBob: Patrick, meet me in the kitchen!<br>
+
(SpongeBob is mad. He angrily bites Patrick's finger)
  
Patrick: Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation. (Janet and Marty laugh) A dumb one! (in the kitchen) So, what's in your mind? Oh, wait, I already know the answer. Nothing! See, that's funny. Cause your dumb!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Ow! He bit me!<br>
  
SpongeBob: Patrick, could you let up on the insults just a little bit?<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, meet me in the kitchen!<br>
  
Patrick: Oh, were those too complicated for you? I'll try summing them down.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation. (Janet and Marty laugh) A dumb one! (They laugh again) (in the kitchen) So, what's on your mind? Oh, wait, I already know the answer. Nothing! (laughs) See, that's funny, 'cause you're dumb!<br>
  
SpongeBob: Patrick, I get the feeling that you think you I really am a dumb! (Patrick is now wearing a T-shirt reading "I'm with the dummy" pointing at SpongeBob)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, could you let up on the insults just a little bit?<br>
  
Patrick: That's just what I thought you would say. Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. (Patrick drools)<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Oh, were those too complicated for you? I'll try dumbing them down a bit.<br>
  
SpongeBob: I'm only pretending to be dumb! It was our plan, remember!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, I get the feeling that you think I really am dumb! (Patrick is now wearing a T-shirt reading "I'm with the dummy" pointing at SpongeBob)<br>
  
Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, if only you could understand how stupid you sound right now when you talk of imaginary plans. Tell you what. You've got me in a good mood. I'll humor you. Go on, go on, ask "smart" for everyone.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (chuckles) That's just what I'd expect you to say. Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. (drools)<br>
  
SpongeBob: Ok, I will! (takes off his helmet)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' I'm only pretending to be dumb! It was our plan, remember?<br>
  
Patrick: And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for you!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Oh, SpongeBob, if only you could see how stupid you sound right now when you talk of imaginary plans. Tell you what. You've caught me in a good mood. I'll humor you. Go on, go out there and act "smart" for everyone.<br>
  
SpongeBob: (in front of Janet and Marty) I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk and eat and do laundry. I even seperate the darks and the whites. So let's say we try again. Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants. And I am not a dummy.<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Ok, I will! (takes off his helmet and hands it to Patrick)<br>
  
Marty: (laughs) Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to speak in complete sentences.<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (puts the helmet on his head) And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for you!<br>
  
Patrick: It wasn't easy, dad!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' (in front of Janet and Marty) I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I just acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk and eat and do laundry. I even separate the darks from the whites. So whaddya say we start over and try again? Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants. And I am not a dummy.<br>
  
SpongeBob: But...<br>
+
'''Marty:''' (laughs) Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to talk in complete sentences. Aw, good work, son. (gives Patrick the thumbs-up) <br>
  
Janet: Looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': (gives Marty the thumbs-up) It wasn't easy, dad!<br>
  
SpongeBob: Now you listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain! See, here's a picture of it!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' (sputtering) But... but, but, but, but, but, but...<br>
  
Patrick: That must be actual size!<br>
+
'''Janet:''' It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man!<br>
  
SpongeBob: No! It's normal size. It's simply functional, watch. (writes on Patrick's chalkboard) 2 plus 2 equals 4.
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Now, listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain! See? here's a picture of it! (he shows them a picture of his brain)<br>
  
Marty: Wow, son! You taught him math too!<br>
+
'''Patrick''': That must be actual size. (all laugh)<br>
  
SpongeBob: No!
+
'''SpongeBob:''' No! It's normal size and fully functional! Watch! (writes on Patrick's chalkboard) 2 plus 2 equals 4.
  
Marty: And you thought him to sing! (SpongeBob gets mad) And now he's short-circuiting!<br>
+
'''Marty:''' Hoho, son! You taught him math too!<br>
  
SpongeBob: (imagines them laughing hard. he imagines him inside Janet, who is laughing, inside Marty, who is also laughing, inside Patrick, who is also laughing, inside his eye. he screams in real life and runs away to his house)<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' Noooo!!
  
Marty: You know, son, I know when it comes to crisis, well, you're a three-wad. But that guy! He's a wet man in a dark cape. He even makes phone operators seem smart! But more importantly, son, you've shown me how much of a quick-witted boy you've become (hugs him) I feel like I'm really seeing you for the first time. Isn't that right, Janet?<br>
+
'''Marty:''' And you thought him to sing! (SpongeBob is blabbering and sputtering) Oh, now he's short-circuiting! You must have taught him a little too much!<br>
  
Janet: You bet! Marty!<br>
+
'''SpongeBob:''' (imagines them all laughing hard. Janet and Marty look at each other and laugh. then they all do the can-can. He imagines him inside Janet, who is laughing, inside Marty, who is also laughing, inside Patrick, who is also laughing, inside his eye) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs away to his house)<br>
  
Patrick: (his eyes widen) Janet? Marty? Who are you people?!<br>
+
'''Marty:''' You know, son, I know when it comes to brightness, well, you're about a three-watt. But that guy! He's a wet match in a dark cave. He even makes phone operators seem smart! But more importantly, son, you've shown me how much of a quick-witted boy you've become. (hugs him) I feel like I'm really seeing you for the first time. Isn't that right, Janet?<br>
  
Janet: Marty! I'm scared! (doorbell rings)<br>  
+
'''Janet:''' You bet! Marty!<br>
  
Squidward: Excuse me. Does this lovely couple belong to you? They've been standing outside my house saying "Where's Patrick?" all day! It's driving me nuts!<br>
+
'''Patrick:''' (his eyes widen) Janet?! Marty?! Who are you people?!<br>
  
Patrick: Mom! Dad!<br>
+
'''Janet:''' Marty! I'm scared! (doorbell rings)<br>  
  
Herb: Wow, son! You actually recognized us this time.<br>
+
'''Squidward:''' Excuse me. Does this lovely couple belong to you? They've been standing outside my house saying "Where's Patrick?" all day! It's driving me nuts!<br>
  
Margie: And you remembered to get dressed today! (Patrick, Herb and Margie laugh)<br>
+
'''Patrick''': Mom! Dad!<br>
  
Marty: Oh, that's right, honey. We don't have a son.<br>
+
'''Herb:''' Wow, son! You actually recognized us this time.<br>
  
Janet: Oh yeah! (both walk away. Herb, Margie and Patrick are inside Patrick's house. The house closes.)
+
'''Margie:''' And you remembered to get dressed today! (Patrick, Herb and Margie laugh)<br>
 +
 
 +
'''Marty:''' Oh, that's right, honey. We don't have a son.<br>
 +
 
 +
'''Janet:''' Oh yeah! (both walk away. Herb, Margie and Patrick are inside Patrick's house. The house closes)
  
  
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[[Category:Transcript]]
 
[[Category:Transcript]]
 
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 2]]
 
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 2]]
 
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Latest revision as of 22:08, 10 August 2021

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Procrastination Sailor Mouth

Episode Article: I'm with Stupid

[edit] Characters

[edit] Dialogue

(SpongeBob, Squidward and Patrick's houses are seen. Patrick's house is shaking. SpongeBob knocks on it. Every time he does, it closes. He opens it himself. Patrick is cleaning. He featherdusts SpongeBob)

Patrick: Need...furniture! (makes a lamp post model)

SpongeBob: Patrick, what's with the home improvement? (Patrick barks and continues to clean) Hey, Patrick! (Patrick continues to clean) Well Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing, but I can see you're busy having an episode.

Patrick: (stops cleaning. His face turns mad) You know something, SpongeBob? It's just all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. (imitates SpongeBob) Well, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do! Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews! And nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe... OR FABRICATE!

SpongeBob: But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate!

Patrick: (starts crying) I don't know what to do, SpongeBob! You've got to help me!

SpongeBob: (gasps) Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel.

Patrick: No, it's not that, SpongeBob. It's worse.

SpongeBob: Darn, I liked the funnel. Well, what is it, then?

Patrick: Look! (takes out a rolled-up piece of paper from his belly button)

SpongeBob: Hey, a note! (a sixteenth note is shown)

Patrick: Yeah, but turn it over! There's a letter! (the letter B is shown)

SpongeBob: You're right!

Patrick: And, I got this message from my parents!

SpongeBob: Your parents? (reads the note out loud) Dear Patrick, your mom and I are coming out tomorrow for Starfish Day. Please try to remember, but don't try too hard, or you'll hurt yourself like last time. Love, Daddy.

Patrick: SpongeBob, my parents think I'm dumber than a sack of diapers.

SpongeBob: No, they don't, Patrick. Parents just like to push your buttons. Like this! (pushes Patrick's belly button and his eyes elongate) Beep!

Patrick: (laughing) That always cheers me up. But not today.

SpongeBob: Patrick, if your parents think you're dumb, then they must not know what dumb really is.

Patrick: But don't they watch television?

SpongeBob: That's what I'm saying, Pat! If they got to meet a real dummy, they'd realize what a genius you really are!

Patrick: But don't genies live in a lamp? And besides, we don't know any dumb people.

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick! I'll be the dummy! When your parents see how dumb I act, they'll think you're the smartest guy ever!

Patrick: Math is power!

(cut to the next day. Patrick is in front of his mirror)

Patrick: A B C D E F G...(doorbell rings) Oh! H I J K L M N O...!

Janet: Should I get the bullhorn again, Marty?

Patrick: W X Y and Z? (Marty is so bored from banging that he still knocks on Patrick's head) Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

Marty: Son! You recognized us this time!

Patrick: Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?

Marty: You never were a bright one. (Patrick wonders. Marty laughs) Aren't you gonna show us inside?

Janet: He probably forgot where it is!

Patrick: Well I know where it...

Marty: Oh. Let me lead the way so we don't get lost. (Patrick, Marty and Janet hold hands) Ok, son, hold hands now! (inside the house) Ok, we're almost there! Let go on three. One...two...three!

Janet: Good job!

Marty and Janet: Pats for Patrick! (both laugh)

Patrick: I'll go get the beverages. (Patrick holds a tray full of drinks)

Marty: Wow, son! You put the drinks in something this time! Ah, son, you must have been working all night to put these together for us!

Janet and Marty: We love you! (both kiss Patrick)

Patrick: (doorbell rings) Hooray, the idiot is here! I mean, I'll get it!

SpongeBob: Protective helmet, check.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: I'm supposed to look stupid, Gary!

Gary: Meow? (goes back to SpongeBob's house)

SpongeBob: What could go wrong? (Patrick's rock opens)

Patrick: What a surprise!

SpongeBob: Hi.

Patrick: Mom, Dad, meet my neighbor, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Hi.

Marty: Hello there!

Janet: How do you do?

SpongeBob: Hi. (walks to Patrick's parents)

Marty: Put her there. (SpongeBob puts a doll on his hand)

Doll: Mama! Mama!

Patrick: He means "shake". (SpongeBob shakes his entire body) No, SpongeBob, no! Shake hands! (SpongeBob shakes both his hands) No, SpongeBob! Grab my dad's hand. (puts both his hands and his left leg on Marty's hand) Grab it with only one hand! (puts his left leg and hand down) Good boy! Now move your arm up and down! (he moves his shoulder up and down. Patrick giggles)

Janet: So, SpongeBob. Do you live nearby?

SpongeBob: Hi.

Patrick: No, SpongeBob. Show them your house! (reveals a blouse) No, not your blouse! Your house! (SpongeBob runs over to his house)

Janet: He lives in a fruit?

Marty: That's unhealthy.

Patrick: (giggles) Hey, SpongeBob! You wanna stay for dinner? (SpongeBob blabbles like an idiot)

(Later, Patrick, Marty and Janet are watching television while eating TV dinners)

Marty: Does he always do that after he eats?

Patrick: Only on Wednesday. (pan over to SpongeBob pushing his nose to reveal his underwear. When he lets go, his pants pull up by themselves. This is repeated a few times. SpongeBob makes an alarm sound after that. Patrick giggles)

Marty: (starts giggling with Patrick) Uh, Patrick, I think your friend might be broken.

Patrick: Yeah, and it would take more than some masking tape to fix that guy. (SpongeBob balances on his nose while making a fire truck sound. Makes other various sounds)

Marty: Whoa! Is he gonna be okay?

Patrick: Oh, that's nothing. (dolphin chirping) You should see him in the morning, prancing around yelling "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" (rooster crows) He drives all the neighbors crazy! (horn) Why, just the other day, our neighbor Squidward was...(SpongeBob crashes into the walls while an elephant trumpets in the background) There's really no help for him. I mean, look at the way he's dressed. Only somebody with holes drilled in their head would wear that stuff! And how about his shape? I mean, I've heard of barrel-chested, but never box-chested! (Janet, Marty and Patrick laugh) Hey, SpongeBob, do you have any mascara I could borrow? (makes his eyebrows sound like elastic rubber bands)

Marty: (chuckles) The boy wears make-up?

Janet: What a card!

(Janet, Marty and Patrick laugh. SpongeBob frowns)

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! Patrick!

Patrick: Aww, he said my name.

Marty: Wow! How'd you train him to do that?

(SpongeBob is mad. He angrily bites Patrick's finger)

Patrick: Ow! He bit me!

SpongeBob: Patrick, meet me in the kitchen!

Patrick: Oh, I guess the dummy wants to have a private conversation. (Janet and Marty laugh) A dumb one! (They laugh again) (in the kitchen) So, what's on your mind? Oh, wait, I already know the answer. Nothing! (laughs) See, that's funny, 'cause you're dumb!

SpongeBob: Patrick, could you let up on the insults just a little bit?

Patrick: Oh, were those too complicated for you? I'll try dumbing them down a bit.

SpongeBob: Patrick, I get the feeling that you think I really am dumb! (Patrick is now wearing a T-shirt reading "I'm with the dummy" pointing at SpongeBob)

Patrick: (chuckles) That's just what I'd expect you to say. Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. (drools)

SpongeBob: I'm only pretending to be dumb! It was our plan, remember?

Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob, if only you could see how stupid you sound right now when you talk of imaginary plans. Tell you what. You've caught me in a good mood. I'll humor you. Go on, go out there and act "smart" for everyone.

SpongeBob: Ok, I will! (takes off his helmet and hands it to Patrick)

Patrick: (puts the helmet on his head) And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for you!

SpongeBob: (in front of Janet and Marty) I have a confession to make. I lied about being stupid. I just acted like a fool so you would appreciate Patrick a little bit more. I know how to talk and eat and do laundry. I even separate the darks from the whites. So whaddya say we start over and try again? Hi! My name is SpongeBob SquarePants. And I am not a dummy.

Marty: (laughs) Amazing! Three minutes in the kitchen and our son has taught him to talk in complete sentences. Aw, good work, son. (gives Patrick the thumbs-up)

Patrick: (gives Marty the thumbs-up) It wasn't easy, dad!

SpongeBob: (sputtering) But... but, but, but, but, but, but...

Janet: It looks like it's time for your next lesson, young man!

SpongeBob: Now, listen to me! I'm not dumb! I have a brain! See? here's a picture of it! (he shows them a picture of his brain)

Patrick: That must be actual size. (all laugh)

SpongeBob: No! It's normal size and fully functional! Watch! (writes on Patrick's chalkboard) 2 plus 2 equals 4.

Marty: Hoho, son! You taught him math too!

SpongeBob: Noooo!!

Marty: And you thought him to sing! (SpongeBob is blabbering and sputtering) Oh, now he's short-circuiting! You must have taught him a little too much!

SpongeBob: (imagines them all laughing hard. Janet and Marty look at each other and laugh. then they all do the can-can. He imagines him inside Janet, who is laughing, inside Marty, who is also laughing, inside Patrick, who is also laughing, inside his eye) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs away to his house)

Marty: You know, son, I know when it comes to brightness, well, you're about a three-watt. But that guy! He's a wet match in a dark cave. He even makes phone operators seem smart! But more importantly, son, you've shown me how much of a quick-witted boy you've become. (hugs him) I feel like I'm really seeing you for the first time. Isn't that right, Janet?

Janet: You bet! Marty!

Patrick: (his eyes widen) Janet?! Marty?! Who are you people?!

Janet: Marty! I'm scared! (doorbell rings)

Squidward: Excuse me. Does this lovely couple belong to you? They've been standing outside my house saying "Where's Patrick?" all day! It's driving me nuts!

Patrick: Mom! Dad!

Herb: Wow, son! You actually recognized us this time.

Margie: And you remembered to get dressed today! (Patrick, Herb and Margie laugh)

Marty: Oh, that's right, honey. We don't have a son.

Janet: Oh yeah! (both walk away. Herb, Margie and Patrick are inside Patrick's house. The house closes)


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