Episode Transcript: Ghoul Fools

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Mr. Krabs Takes a Vacation
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Episode Article: Ghoul Fools

Characters

SpongeBob SquarePants
Patrick Star
Lord Poltergeist (credited as "Ghost" in this transcript)
Eugene H. Krabs
Squidward Tentacles
Sandy Cheeks
Flying Dutchman
First Mate Ghoul
Milkshake Gremlin
"Eternally Tortured" Donut
Skeletons
Giant Demonic SpongeBob

Dialogue

(episode begins with SpongeBob and Patrick, both of whom are lying on the grass)

SpongeBob: Aah. Patrick, don't you love staring at clouds and thinking about what they look like?

Patrick: Yeah, it really calms my inner demons.

SpongeBob: (points to a cloud in sky) Wow, look at that cloud. (the cloud, which looks like Sandy, floats by) It looks just like Sandy.

Patrick: I'm not seeing it. Ooh, check out that cloud! (another cloud floats by) It looks just like a... um, um, um, d'oh, it's coming, uh, looks like a... a cloud.

SpongeBob: Hmm. It does. Hey, look at that one. (a cloud that looks like Mr. Krabs trying to catch a money cloud floats by, but it disappears) It looks just like Mr. Krabs, doesn't it?

Patrick: Sure does! Um... who's Mr. Krabs again? Oh, now that cloud looks like a flying houseboat. (a houseboat is flying over Bikini Bottom as the sky turns from day to night)

SpongeBob: Um, Patrick, I think that really is a flying houseboat. (he and Patrick watch the houseboat fly away, then lose gas and fall near the grass) What is it, Patrick?

Patrick: It's probably just one of those fake haunted houses, you know, for babies.

SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick, it's very scary-looking and spooky.

Patrick: It looks like fun, I'm going to check it out (runs to houseboat)

SpongeBob: Patrick, wait for me! (follows Patrick)

Patrick: (laughs and tries to get up to the houseboat, but can't) Hey, SpongeBob, can you give me a boost? (gets up on top of SpongeBob) A little to the left. (SpongeBob moves to the left. Gets up to the boat) A little help? (SpongeBob lifts him up) Hurry up, lazy-bones! (SpongeBob gets up to the boat) Wow. Look at this place! It's so cheesy! Check out this lame doorknob. (SpongeBob looks at a skeleton doorknob, which shrieks at him. SpongeBob laughs nervously) Let's check out inside.

SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick.

Patrick: Oh, come on, don't be such a baby! (opens door, to which SpongeBob follows him) Wow, so lame! (thunderclap is heard. Sees a plate of eyeballs and picks up one) Nice attention to detail, though. (puts eyeball back. SpongeBob notices the eyeballs blink, and he runs away) Huh. So not scary!

SpongeBob: (looks at a picture of flowers) Hey, this is a nice picture! (snakes come out of the picture and go into SpongeBob, to which he screams and runs around)

Patrick: Did you say something, SpongeBob? (snakes go back into picture) Hey, SpongeBob, check this out!

SpongeBob: Okay, I'll be right there!

Patrick: Even the spiders are fake! I wish something would... pop out of a closet! Like a big, hairy hand! (door opens and a big, hairy hand comes out and takes SpongeBob to attack him) That would be scary! (SpongeBob screams from far away) But this place is too low budget for that! (hand returns SpongeBob) Would be cool, though, wouldn't it?

SpongeBob: (shaking) Yeah, that'd be... (gulps) neato. (hears scary music) Patrick, where is that music coming from?

Patrick: I think it's coming from that guy! (a ghost is playing the organ, while a thunderclap is heard)

Ghost: (turns around) Who dares trespass upon me haunted houseboat? (thunderclap is heard. The ghost goes over to SpongeBob and Patrick)

Patrick: We do!

Ghost: Aye. And what manner of beastie might you two be?

Patrick: (opens the ghost's mouth) Look at the attention to detail in his mouth. It's all rotten and slimy. (the ghost breathes into Patrick's face, singeing it) His bad breath is incredible! His hair is very authentic, too. It's dirty. (sniffs) Eww. It reeks, and check out the workmanship on the jaw mechanism. (moves the ghost's jaw up and down) Remarkable-build quality! (lets go of the ghost's jaw) Obviously a puppet or a robot! Oh, we must be in one of those fancy pizza parlors, with those singing animated robots!

Ghost: Robots? Puppets? Pizza parlors?! (gets angry and lights on fire)

Patrick: Sing us a song, robot!

Ghost: What? Sing for ye?

Patrick: Oh, whoops! You're right. I almost forgot. You're coin-operated, aren't you? (puts a coin into the ghost's nose. The ghost coughs up the coin and looks at it, gripping it tightly)

Ghost: So you want me to sing ye a shanty, eh?

Patrick: Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

SpongeBob: Don't put yourself out for us!

Ghost: And you do not think I'm a real ghost, do ye?

Patrick: Nope!

SpongeBob: I do, Mr. dead pirate, sir!

Ghost: Oh, oh, oh, I'll sing ye a song, all right! A song so terrifying, you'll have to believe I'm a ghost! (electrocutes SpongeBob and Patrick and laughs)

Patrick: This show is going to be so awesome.

SpongeBob: (laughs nervously) Yeah, awesome (his hand falls off)

Ghost: Hit it, fingers! (fingers appear and start the music)

Ghosts: Yo-ho-ho, yo-hoooooooooooo!

Patrick: (whispers) They're good!

Music: The Ghouls of the Briny Deep

Ghosts: Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep! 
Under the waves we like to creep. 
Creeping in coffins with spider webs as ghostly pillows beneath our heads. 
Oh, we're the ghouls of the briny deep. Under the waves we like to creep. 
We wear black shrouds that look quite neat, but we don't own shoes, 'cause we have no feet. Ha-ha-ha!

(the lead ghost shows bones for feet and taps them together)

We like to haunt and frighten and scare 'til you jump right out of your underwear. 
We like to eat eyes and brains and drink our grog from rusty drains. 
We don't keep animals like cutesy snails!

(the lead ghost rips Gary's shell off)

SpongeBob: Gary!

Ghosts: Our favorite pet's, the Cat o' Nine Tails!

Cat 'o Nine Tails: Meow!

(SpongeBob and Patrick clap)

Ghost: Do you believe we're real ghosts now?

Patrick: Where's my pizza? What kind of pizza joint are you running anyhow?

Ghost: Pizza? I'll give you a pizza! (poofs up a pizza box and gives it to SpongeBob and Patrick)

Patrick: That's more like it! (pizza box opens to show anchovies on the pizza)

Anchovies: Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!

SpongeBob and Patrick: Anchovies?! (pizza disappears. SpongeBob and Patrick bow) You are real ghosts! You are real ghosts!

Ghost: Ha-ha-ha-ha! So ye finally believe, eh? You scurvy swabs!

SpongeBob: We do! We do!

Patrick: Oh, please don't kill me with your death ray eyes, Mr. Ghost Robot! (puts SpongeBob in front of him) Take my best friend instead! He's lived a full life! (cowers in fear as SpongeBob is surprised by his act)

Ghost: (looks at the cowering Patrick; sarcastically) Eh, great friend you have here!

SpongeBob: Why have you come to Bikini Bottom, oh mighty dead pirate type person, sir?

Ghost: Eh, that's funny you should ask. Usually, when I come to town, it's to terrify the populous and enslave their souls in eternal torment! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Eh, but this time we just blew a head gasket.

SpongeBob: Oh, I didn't know you ghosts had gaskets in your heads!

Ghost: Not us, you imbecile! Our engine room broke down. (opens engine room and coughs) Hey, Charlie, you got that busted head gasket out yet?

Charlie: Here you go, boss! (head gasket melts) Looks like we need a new one! (ghost grabs head gasket)

Ghost: Say, maybe you two morons... Um, fine gentlemen, could pick up a new one for us!

SpongeBob: (gulps) Uh, uh, us?

Ghost: Yes, you! And just as a little incentive to make you return, (lifts up SpongeBob and Patrick) I'll take your souls as deposit! (grabs SpongeBob and Patrick and puts their souls into glass bottles. Poofs up a treasure chest and picks a doubloon from it, giving to SpongeBob) Here's a shiny doubloon to buy a new gasket. Succeed and maybe you'll get another doubloon! If you aren't back in 24 hours, your souls are mine and you'll be part of my ghastly crew, um, (goes over to check calendar) let's see here, three weeks from Thursday... forever!

SpongeBob: Um, can we run screaming in horror from your ship now, Mr. ghost pirate, sir?

Ghost: Oh, why certainly!

SpongeBob: Patrick, after you! (he and Patrick leave, screaming in horror)

Ghost: Such a polite lad! (SpongeBob and Patrick keep on running, but stop to get ice cream]

SpongeBob: One scoop, please. (he and Patrick have ice cream, then continue running and screaming until crashing into the Krusty Krab) Ghosts, ghosts, a haunted houseboat!

Patrick: (muffled with tongue stretched out) Houseboat full of ghosts! (SpongeBob gets himself stuck in Patrick's tongue)

SpongeBob: Eww, eww, eww, eww! (Patrick's tongue gets SpongeBob and Patrick stuck)

Frank: Hey, those guys are insane! (customers run out of the restaurant)

Mr. Krabs: What's all the commotion out here? (gasps) Come back! (cries) SpongeBob, what in the bulging blue barnacles, are you up to?!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, it was awful! We just had a spooky encounter of the ghostly kind!

Mr. Krabs: You had a what?

SpongeBob: We were just minding our own business and a haunted houseboat fell out of the sky!

Patrick: (muffled) And it was full of ghosts! The really, real kind, not fake kind! (Mr. Krabs puts Patrick's tongue back in place, knocking him down)

SpongeBob: The captain of the ghost gave us this doubloon and told us to buy him a new head gasket! And then, he took our souls and he put them in bottles and he said he's going to turn us into ghosts if we don't get that head gasket! You gotta help us, Mr. Krabs! I feel so empty without my soul!

Mr. Krabs: Did you say doubloon? (grabs doubloon) Let me see that! Hmm, looks somewhat authentic. (sniffs doubloon) Smells real enough! (bites doubloon, which knocks out his tooth. Goes to Frank's car and steals his head gasket)

Frank: Hey! (Mr. Krabs comes back with the stolen head gasket)

Mr. Krabs: Okay, let's go see those ghost fellers! We'll catch 'em and take their gold!

SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs! We don't know the first thing about ghost hunting! (he and Patrick hear a disturbing noise, which is Sandy's new device)

Sandy: I'll catch your ghosts for ya! It'll be easy with my new fangled paranormal critter-detector-catcher gizmo!

Squidward: And you just happened to bring that with you... to the Krusty Krab?

Sandy: Sure, I was looking for milkshake gremlins! (scans a milkshake for "gremlins") Nope, none in there!

Mr. Krabs: Great, then it's settled, let's go catch us some ghost gold!

Squidward: What makes you think I have any interest in your delusional adventurism?

Mr. Krabs: Come on, Squidward! Think about what all those doubloons could do for the Krusty Krab, eh? Huh? Why, I could buy you that break room you're always whining about! (Squidward imagines himself sitting near a microwave, waiting for his burrito to be done)

Squidward: Okay, I'm in!

Mr. Krabs: Super! More hands means more gold. So what do ya say SpongeBob? Are ya ready!

SpongeBob: I'll go, but just to get my soul back.

Mr. Krabs: Who needs a soul when you're filthy rich? (fade to black. After the commercial break, the episode fades in on the haunted houseboat)

SpongeBob: So here it is. Pretty creepy, huh?

Sandy: This place looks like it hasn't been lived in four years.

Patrick: Four years? Gotta be longer than that.

Squidward: I don't see any signs of ghosts. (walks over to painting of a man with a pitchfork and woman standing together) Nothing here but a bunch of tacky old furniture, and boring, representational art. (the man in the picture comes alive and eats the woman's head) Huh?

SpongeBob: Look, Mr. Krabs! The doubloons!

Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Ha-ha-ha! (licks the doubloons in celebration)

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I wouldn't touch that if I were you! That gold probably has ghost germs all over it.

Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't be silly, SpongeBob! There's no such things as germs. (grabs a sack and puts doubloons in it) Heads up, Squidward! (throws a bag to Squidward, which hits him in the head) Hey, Patrick, think fast!

Patrick: Think? (a bag of doubloons hits Patrick)

Mr. Krabs: All right, then. Let's get while the getting's good! Ooh! (notices a doubloon is left behind) Looks like I missed one! Uh... it seems to be stuck... uuuuuuhhhh... (pulls out the ghost from earlier and screams)

Ghost: Who dares touch me gold?

SpongeBob: It's just us, Mr. Ghost Captain, sir. We brought the replacement gasket you asked for. So if it's not too much trouble, do you think we could have our souls back... now... maybeee.

Ghost: A deal's a deal and I'm a man of me word. Here you go, square one. (gves SpongeBob a bottle with orange soda inside. SpongeBob fills up his body with the soda)

SpongeBob: Aah. That hits the spot!

Ghost: Think fast, pink one!

Patrick: Again? (another bottle hits Patrick in the head. It shatters) My soul. (licks the soda off the floor)

Ghost: Har-har-har. Those weren't your souls. Those were just a couple of old orange sodas that have been sitting in the sun too long!

Patrick: I thought mine seemed a little flat.

SpongeBob: But what about our real souls?

Ghost: Eh, I never had 'em. Everyone knows you can't hold onto a wild soul. Well, now that that's settled, there's still a little matter of... (notices Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick taking off with his gold) Me gold! Stop right there! No one touches me booty and gets away with it.

Mr. Krabs: (blows a raspberry) You ghosts don't scare me! You're nothing but thin air! Grab your sacks and follow me, boys! (opens a door, which leads to The Void, which he is sucked into) Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Ghost: (laughs) Welcome to the Void! (laughs. Squidward makes babbling noises and he is sucked into the Void)

Patrick: Get me out of here!

Squidward: Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Ghost: Ha-har-har-har-har! (Patrick is sucked into the Void)

Patrick: Nooooooooooooooooo! (disappears into the Void)

Mr. Krabs: Hmm. So this is limbo. Well, at least I have a sack full of doubloons to spend eternity with. Uh-oh. Gotta use the can! (notices that there's a port-a-potty nearby) Ooh. There's a bit of luck. A portable potty. What's this here? "Insert doubloon?" Nooooooooooooo! (his image zooms out and fades away as Patrick appears)

Patrick: Wow. This void sure is relaxing! (a doughnut shows up on Patrick's head) Hey! I've got a doughnut on my head! Come here, you. (his head stretches) Hey! Get back here! (his head stretches more and he screams) Why is this happening to me? (donut comes to life)

Donut: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Welcome to your worst nightmare! (Patrick screams in terror. Laughs evilly until it sees that Patrick is no longer interested) Hmm? (goes down to Patrick. Pokes his eye) Hey, stupid? Don't you wanna eat me?

Patrick: Not really. I don't like plain donuts.

Donut: Well, what kind do you like?

Patrick: Um, I like sprinkles!

Donut: Aah. (snaps its fingers, and sprinkles appear) Voila!

Patrick: No, chocolate! (chocolate appears on the donut) No, a bagel! (donut turns to a bagel) No-no-no-no, pancakes! (bagel turns to pancakes) No-no-no...

Donut: Hey, pick one, so we can get on with your eternal torment!

Patrick: Okay, okay! Man, you're pushy! How about... a Krabby Patty? (pancakes turn to a Krabby Patty) With pickles! (pickles appear) And ketchup! (ketchup appears) Wait, wait, wait! I know, I know, I know! I want... a plain doughnut!

Donut: (turns back into a doughnut) Nooooooooooooooooooo! (Patrick's image zooms out and fades away as Squidward appears)

Squidward: Oh, great. I wonder what my vision of eternal suffering will be! (a large, ghost version of SpongeBob appears with Squidward on its nose) Of course!

SpongeBob demon: Hiiii, neighbor! (laughs)

Squidward: I guess this is the part where I start screaming. (screams as his image zooms out and fades away, while the SpongeBob demon continues to laugh. The "door" to the Void folds away while the ghost laughs evilly)

Sandy: Hey, corpse breath! You better let my friends out of there if you know what's good for ya!

Ghost: Ha-ha-ha... And if I don't, what'll ye do about it, me bubble-headed lassy?

Sandy: Oh, you'll be laughing out the other side of your tombstone once you've had a taste of my ghost-catcher!

Ghost: Oh! The big chipmunk's gonna get us! (laughs. Sandy turns on her ghost-catcher and releases Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward)

Mr. Krabs: Thanks, lassie. Now, let's just get this here bag of doubloons back to the Krusty Krab!

Ghost: Not so fast! That there booty be mine! (ghost sucks bag into treasure chest)

Mr. Krabs: Hey, you thieving bilge rat! I stole this gold fair and square! (he and the ghost beat up each other trying to get possession of treasure chest, which flies into the air)

SpongeBob: I got it! (treasure chest crushes SpongeBob)

Mr. Krabs: Me gold!

Ghost: You mean my gold!

SpongeBob: Hey, that's funny! Hmm, this chest says it belongs to the Flying Dutchman!

Sandy: The Flying Dutchman?! You ain't afraid he's gonna want it back?

Ghost: Nah, nah! We used to be part of the Dutchman's crew. We stole his gold hundreds of years ago! But the Dutchman hasn't found us yet. And he never will! (cannon shoots into the haunted houseboat)

Flying Dutchman: Avast!

Ghost and Sandy: (look out the door) Huh?

Flying Dutchman: Heave to... and prepare to be boarded by the Flying Dutchman!

Ghost: The Dutchman! How did he track us down? Unless, thar be a snitch aboard!

SpongeBob: (holding a phone) It is my civic duty to report stolen property!

Ghost: Why, you scurvy little scum-scrubber! You've ruined everything!

Squidward: Welcome to my world.

Flying Dutchman: (angrily) Avast there, you scurvy thieving barnacle bass!

Ghost: (nervously) Dutchman! Boy, am I glad we finally found you!

Flying Dutchman: So, it be me old first mate who stole me gold and me crew!

Ghost: Stole your gold? We just went out to get pizza!

Flying Dutchman: Um, that was 300 years ago!

Ghost: Um, we got lost? But we've been looking for ye ever since... to give ye back your treasure!

Flying Dutchman: Me booty! Well, maybe I misjudged you fellas! I'm sorry I was so cross with ya! (first mate sails away with the treasure) Why, you treacherous sea devils! When I'm done with you, you... (first mate runs over the Dutchman and flies away) Okay, now I'm a little bit peeved!

Ghost: Ha-ha-ha! Eh, that Dutchman was always a sap!

Sandy: Frog whiskers! The Dutchman's on our tail!

Ghost: Eh, now that the engine's fixed, the Dutchman will never catch up with aye. (engine dies down) Boiler room, we're losing power! Report!

Charlie: The engine's on fire, sir! (engine explodes)

Sandy: The Dutchman's gaining on us!

Ghost: We're going down! Brace for impact! (all scream as the boat collapses)

Flying Dutchman: Don't go anywhere, kiddies! Cause you're about to be cursed like you've never been cursed before!

SpongeBob: Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that!

Flying Dutchman: Observe! (removes his eye and turns into a missile, laughing and destroying his first mate's ship. Time card appears)

French Narrator: Later, in the void... (cut to the Krusty Krab, now known as the "Kursed Krab," in The Void)

Ghost: Welcome to the Kursed Krab. How may we serve you this eternity?

Skeleton: I just need to use the bathroom.

Ghost: Aargh, it's right over there.

Patrick: (serves a milkshake) Here's your milkshake, Sandy. (milkshake gremlin pops out)

Sandy: Got ya, you little gremlin!

Donut: And what would you like, sir?

Ghost Customer: I want a plain doughnut! (eats donut off of Patrick's head. The donut gives the ghost its bill)

Mr. Krabs: How's the holdup, Mr. Squidward!

Squidward: Everyone's paying with bones.

Mr. Krabs: Well, money's money!

Squidward: No, I mean actual bones. (opens cash register, showing bones)

Mr. Krabs: Hmm. Those must be worth something down here.

SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward! Everybody hold onto something! It's time to flip the patties! Hit it! (the SpongeBob demon laughs and flips the Kursed Krab. Everyone else is heard screaming asthe restaurant is flipped. The demon laughs and turns into the Flying Dutchman)

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