Episode Transcript: Cephalopod Lodge

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Grandpappy the Pirate Squid's Visit

Episode Article: Cephalopod Lodge

Characters

Dialogue

SpongeBob: (singing) Workin' at the Krusty Krab! Workin' at the Krusty Krab! La, la, la, la! Doo... (stops when he sees Squidward smiling and staring into the distance) Squidward? Squidward? (snaps fingers four times) Squidward, are you okay?

Squidward: Hm? Oh! I couldn't be better!

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! (He runs to Mr. Krabs' office. Mr. Krabs is stacking his money into a sculpture of himself in his office when suddenly SpongeBob crashes into him destroying it) It happened again, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: What are you talking about?

SpongeBob: It's Squidward! (Squidward continues to smile and stare into the distance) What is it about the third Wednesday of every month that makes Squidward so happy?

Mysterious man: Psst. Squidward?

Squidward: Roger! Is that you?

Mysterious man: Tonight's the big night.

Squidward: (Gasp!)

(A few hours pass. It is night now.)

SpongeBob: These camouflage outfits should help us find out what Squidward's secret Wednesday secret is!

SpongeBob and Patrick: (giggling)

(Squidward walks out of his house. SpongeBob and Patrick dive into kelp. When Squidward walks away, they follow him to a bus stop. A bus arrives, and Squidward gets in. SpongeBob and Patrick follow and hide under Squidward's bus seat. The bus arrives at a strange, pyramid-shaped building. Squidward gets off the bus.)

Squidward: Hello, Brother Roger. (He and Brother Roger do secret hand-shake)

Brother Roger: Come right in, Brother Squidward.

Squidward: Thank you.

Lodge members: (talking)

Squidward: (putting on red robes like the other lodge members) Ah. This almost makes the other 353 days worth living for.

(A gong chimes. Everyone including Squidward gathers around lodge leader)

Lodge leader: For centuries, cephalopods have had but one nemesis. Let ye among you who wishes to join the lodge face your greatest fear. Cantankerous Moray Eelius!

Lodge members: (Gasp!)

Cantankerous Moray Eelius: Huh?

(A new lodge member shivers while walking up to the moray eel's cage)

Squidward: I'll never forget my initiation ceremony.

New lodge member: (shivering)

(Cantankerous Moray Eeleus stings new lodge member)

Lodge members: (cheering)

(Brother Roger puts lodge hat on new lodge member)

SpongeBob and Patrick: (clapping)

SpongeBob: Yeah! Way to go!

Patrick: Way to go!

Lodge members: (Gasp!)

Lodge leader: (Gasp!)

SpongeBob and Patrick: (clapping)

Squidward: (Gasp!) SpongeBob! Patrick! Did you follow me here? (SpongeBob shakes his head but Patrick nods)

Lodge leader: Brother Squidward! For thousands of years, no outsiders have witnessed this sacred initiation. You have deliberately desecrated the sanctity of this lodge!

Snooty male judge: Kick him out!

Squidward: But...but, I...I...I...I...

(Squidward and SpongeBob get kicked out of the cephalopod lodge. Squidward lands with his head stuck in the ground. He flails about wildly and we hear muffled shouting coming from him. SpongeBob pulls him out of the dirt)

Squidward: I can't believe it. They kicked me out of the Cephalopod Lodge.

SpongeBob: Do we get to join the lodge? (Squidward makes a face and SpongeBob smiles)

Squidward: Were you dropped on your head when you were a baby?

SpongeBob: Huh? How did you know?

Squidward: Psychic powers. Hey! Where's Patrick?

SpongeBob: Maybe he got to join the lodge! (Patrick falls out of the sky and crushes Squidward) Or... maybe not. They didn't let you join either?

Patrick: Nah. I found the institution had nothing left to offer me. I was stagnating.

SpongeBob: Hey, where's Squidward at?

Patrick: Hold on. (shakes his right leg. Nothing happens, so he shakes his left leg. Squidward's head pops out of Patrick's shorts) I found Squidward. (pulls Squidward out of his shorts. Then, pulls the hat out and puts it on Squidward's head.)

Squidward: The last thing in my life I really enjoyed, and SpongeBob ruined it, too.

Patrick: Well, at least you still have the hat.

Squidward: Yeah. I do, don't I?

Brother Roger: Ahem. (takes Squidward's hat)

SpongeBob: You still have your robes. (Brother Roger strips Squidward's robes off)

Patrick: You still have your underwear. (Brother Roger strips off Squidward's underwear, leaving him [off-camera] naked)

Squidward: No! (SpongeBob covers his own eyes and Patrick's. Squidward pulls on his regular shirt) You can look now.

SpongeBob: Don't you worry, Squidward. I'm sure if Patrick and I just explain what happened, they're sure to let you back in.

(knocks on Cephalopod Lodge door)

Brother Roger: What is it? Oh, it’s you two.

SpongeBob: We just came to explain that Squidward had no idea that we followed him to the lodge. So, it's not his fault.

Patrick: Yeah. Not his fault.

Brother Roger: Well, then, whose fault was it?

Patrick: Was it my fault?

SpongeBob: No, it wasn't your fault, Patrick.

Patrick: Thanks, SpongeBob. And it wasn't your fault either.

Brother Roger: Well, if it wasn't your fault, and it wasn't Squidward's fault, then whose fault was it?

Patrick: Uh...maybe it's your fault.

Brother Roger: Squidward is never allowed in this lodge again! (slams door)

Squidward: SpongeBob! Are they letting me back in the lodge?!

SpongeBob: No. You can't set foot in the lodge.

Patrick: Ever!

Squidward: Oh. Now that you two have ruined the last good thing in my life...I think I'll go home and slam my head in the door...repeatedly.

SpongeBob: Squidward, wait! I'm sorry we got you kicked out of your lodge. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

Squidward: No. Why didn't you just make up your own dumb club instead of ruining mine?

SpongeBob: That's it! (jumps on Squidward) Squidward! We'll make our own club! And it'll be so much better than that dumb old Cephalop-olaphapa Lodge! And you can be our leader! How great does that sound, O Mighty One?! Want to join our club, Patrick?

Patrick: Dog-pile on Squidward!

Squidward: Aaahhhh! (The three walk back home)

SpongeBob: Squidward, you're the lodge expert. What do we do first?

Squidward: Say good-bye. (enters his house)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Good-bye!

Squidward: Morons.

SpongeBob: (climbs in through Squidward's window) So anyway, Squidward, I was thinking we should be working on our secret lodge initiation.

Patrick: (falls through Squidward's window) Hey.

SpongeBob: Patrick and I have come up with a secret hand-shake.

Patrick: Secret!

(SpongeBob claps his hands over his head)

SpongeBob and Patrick: Patty cake, patty cake, sailor man! Bake me a cake as fast...

Squidward: SpongeBob! That's not a secret hand-shake! Everyone knows Patty cake!

SpongeBob: Not the way we do it.

Patrick: We don't use our pinkies.

Squidward: (pushes SpongeBob and Patrick out of his house, and screams) GET THE HELL OUT!!!!!!

Patrick: I don't think Squidward wants to join our lodge.

SpongeBob: Oh, sure he does. He just needs a little push. (knocks on Squidward's door)

Squidward: Oh, what now? I'm coming! What do you... Great. Must be one of SpongeBob's pranks.

SpongeBob: (traps Squidward in a light brown bag) Let's move. (SpongeBob and Patrick carry the bag away. A while later, they arrive at Jellyfish Fields.)

SpongeBob: Okay, we can let him out now.

Squidward: Are you insane? You kidnapped me?

SpongeBob: Oh, we didn't kidnap you. We just brought you here for...

Patrick: Initiation.

Squidward: What? What kind of initiation?

SpongeBob: A very special initiation. (pulls a jellyfish out of his net)

Squidward: Oh, boy. Look at the time! Gotta run. (He is stopped by Patrick, who smashes Squidward to the ground)

SpongeBob: Would you care to go first, Brother Patrick?

Patrick: After you, Brother SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: (flicks the jellyfish and puts it on his tongue) Ow! Ooo, ooo! Ooo! (muffled) Brother Patrick.

Patrick: Brother SpongeBob. (slaps the jellyfish and puts it on his tongue) Aaahhhh! (muffled) Brother Squidward. (pulls on Squidward's tongue and puts the jellyfish on it)

Squidward: (jumps into the air, screaming) Eee-aaahhhhhhh!

(The next morning, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward are all back at home. An unknown person knocks on Squidward's door, leaving a package behind)

Squidward: What's this? Can it be? My lodge robes! I'm back in the lodge! I gotta try 'em on! (He comes out of his room, dressed in a chicken suit) Huh? This can't be right! These aren't my cephalopod robes!

(SpongeBob and Patrick giggle. They are in chicken suits, too.)

SpongeBob: They sure aren't. They're your uniform for your new lodge! Welcome to the first official meeting of the Feather Friends.

Squidward: Feather Friends?

SpongeBob: Somebody already had Feather Buddies.

Patrick: Yeah. Those Feather Buddies better hope they don't run into us in a dark alley.

Squidward: (growls and rips his chicken suit in half) I DON'T WANT TO BE FEATHER BUDDY!!!!!!!!

SpongeBob: Do you still want to be a Feather Friend?

Squidward: Grrr...no.

SpongeBob: Aw...Squidward, I hadn't realized how special your lodge was to you. I'll get you back in that club. And I know just how to do it. (takes off his chicken suit) Everything we need is in this drawer. (pulls one of Squidward's socks out of the drawer)

Squidward: A sock?

SpongeBob: Not just a sock...a disguise. Patrick and I will climb inside the sock and pretend to be a giant albino eel. We will then gain entrance to the lodge, and frighten everyone inside. Once they're good and terrified, you, Squidward, will storm in, defeat that giant eel, and rescue all the lodge members. You'll be a hero, Squidward. They'll have to let you back in the lodge!

Patrick: Hm. It's genius. But, I see one flaw in your plan.

Squidward: One flaw?

Patrick: That sock is way too small.

SpongeBob: Yeah, it is. Time to break out the heavy artillery. (grabs a photo-realistic giant sock)

Patrick: That's what I'm talking about!

(It is night time at the Cephalopod Lodge, where another meeting is beginning. SpongeBob and Patrick, both inside the photo-realistic giant sock, and Squidward look on)

Albino eel (SpongeBob): Okay, Squidward. Just give us five minutes and then do your stuff.

(SpongeBob and Patrick walk to the lodge still inside the sock)

Squidward: Huh?

Narrator: 5 minutes later.

Squidward: (walks to the lodge) This is ridiculous. No one is dumb enough to believe SpongeBob and Patrick are a..a....giant albino eel?!

(The lodge members are seen screaming and running away from the "albino eel")

Albino eel (Patrick): Roooo!

Albino eel (SpongeBob): ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRR!

(More screaming and running away from the Cephalopod Lodge)

Albino eel (Patrick): Roo!

Albino eel (SpongeBob): ROOOOOAAAARRRRR!

Squidward: Unbelievable.

Lodge member: Squidward!

Brother Roger: Look out!

Lodge member: There's a giant albino eel on the loose!

Squidward: (clears throat) Do not worry. I will save you. Be gone, foul beast, or, I will smite thee. (punches the sock twice)

Albino eel (SpongeBob and Patrick): Oh! Oh, ow! Arrgh! Oof! (sock flattens and collapses)

Lodge members: (cheering) Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!

(Squidward laughs as Brother Roger puts the robe and hat back on him, implying that he has been reinstated into the Cephalopod Lodge. Suddenly, however, the emotional ceremony is interrupted by the incessant cheering of SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: Way to go, Squidward.

Patrick: It works!

(the lodge members glare angrily at Squidward and pick him up)

Announcer: Will somebody kick them out?

Squidward: Whoa!

(SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward are thrown out of the lodge again)

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. We still have the Feather Friends.

Patrick: But you'll have to pass the initiation again. (Turns on the stinging jellyfish)

Squidward: Aah! No! (Patrick grabs Squidward's tongue. Blackout and a sting is heard) AAAAAAAGH!!!!

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