Episode Transcript: Boating Buddies

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Episode Article: Boating Buddies

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(episode starts at SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is brushing Gary's shell)

SpongeBob: ...97, 98, 99, 100. Okay Gary, let's do the other side now. Gary, can you hear that? (Gary is confused, then SpongeBob walks outside, and over to Squidward) Oh Squidward, it's you. I thought I heard something.

Squidward: SpongeBob, I've been sitting here motionless for 45 minutes. What could you possibly have heard me doing?

SpongeBob: Breathing.

Squidward: SpongeBob, I will give you $5 if you let me enjoy the rest of my morning, in peace.

SpongeBob: (mouth open as a box) Okay! (Squidward takes out his wallet)

Squidward: Hey, I could have sworn I had $5 in here.

SpongeBob: I have it, Squidward, you gave it to me to leave you alone yesterday. (Squidward gets up) Squidward, you can have the $5 back. Mr. Krabs says...

Squidward: I don't care what Mr. Krabs said! I just want... (bangs on the table, and the liquid in his cup spills on him)

SpongeBob: Coffee rain!

Squidward: It's hot chocolate. (walks away)

SpongeBob: Chocolate rain! (Squidward is still walking) Squidward! (Squidward runs screaming) Squidward, wait! (scene then shows both of them running for a while, then Squidward gets to his boat. He tries to open it but can't)

Squidward: It's locked!

SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward! (Squidward screams, then jumps in the boat, then tries to start it but it won't start)

Squidward: Huh? (realizes the key isn't there) The key! Oh, where did I put that stupid...

SpongeBob: (as he is yelling, Squidward is searching) Squidward! Squidward!

Squidward: Oh, why can't I just find... (SpongeBob makes it to the boat)

SpongeBob: Squidward?

Squidward: (yells in SpongeBob's face) What?!

SpongeBob: You left your keys on the table back there. (Squidward starts the boat) Hey Squidward?

Squidward: Yes?

SpongeBob: Didn't you used to have one of those cucumber bicycles?

Squidward: Oh, (laughs) that was a recumbent bicycle, and I sold it.

SpongeBob: Why?

Squidward: (angry) So I could get further away from you! (rushes off)

SpongeBob: Okay, I'll see you later then, Squidward.

Squidward: Bon voyage, nincompoop! (accidentally runs through a stop sign (literally). Realizes he is being chased by cops) What the? (pulls over, then the policeman walks up) Can I help you, officer?

Policeman: No, but you can help yourself to this ticket.

Squidward: (gasps) Ticket? Officer, please! I have impenetrable boat smarts! I pried myself in obtaining an un-soiled driving record! It's all that I have!

Policeman: Well, you can have it again, right after you complete boating school. (drives off)

Squidward: Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-boating school? (bubble-wipe to Mrs. Puff's boating school. Knocks on door) Oh well, it's just one day out of your life, Squiddy. How bad can it be? (SpongeBob opens the door)

SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward! (Squidward cries, then the bell rings)

Mrs. Puff: Good morning class. Would everyone please take a seat? (SpongeBob sits in his desk)

SpongeBob: Psst, Squiward, sit here. Here.

Squidward: Um, excuse me, there don't seem to be any empty seats left.

Mrs. Puff: But there's one right next to SpongeBob. (Squidward sits there, and SpongeBob touches him)

Squidward: Do you mind?!

SpongeBob: Don't worry Squidward, we're boating buddies now! I'll teach you everything I know, and then we can...

Squidward: We won't be doing anything, because there is no we! Understand?

Mrs. Puff: Quiet in the front please.

SpongeBob: Oh, I understand. I understand perfectly, boating buddy.

Mrs. Puff: Okay, class, how about we get to know our new students, by telling each other why we were sentenced to... I mean why we are enrolled in boating school.

Student: Um, I got caught speeding.

Mrs. Puff: Very good. Next.

Student: I don't see what's so very good about it.

Mrs. Puff: No, I didn't mean very...

Student: (sighs) I know exactly what you meant.

Mrs. Puff: Next.

SpongeBob: Oh, I am here because I...

Mrs. Puff: We all know why you're here, SpongeBob. What about you, sir?

Squidward: Me?

Mrs. Puff: Yes. Would you like to tell the rest of the class, why you're with us today?

Squidward: Why I'm... (sees SpongeBob staring, and breathing at him) All right, I'll tell you. I was trying to get away, from him! He is the bane of my existence!

Mrs. Puff: Yours too? Uhh... What I meant to say was, please come up to the chalkboard, and draw a diagram of the incident.

Squidward: Gladly. (begins drawing what he is saying) It all started when I left my house. And then, he appeared. He made an immediate right turn, and parked here. (drawing of Squidward's house is shown) Seeing the oncoming hazard, I looked both ways and proceeded safely toward my vehicle. It was then that I realized that I was being followed at an unsafe distance. So, in order to create more optimal driving conditions, I was then forced to par-take in evasive action. (screeches the chalk board) And by increasing speed slightly, I created a safety cushion, while inadvertently attracting the attention of said law enforcement officer. May I sit down now, sweet cheeks?

Mrs. Puff: Why, certainly. And perhaps now SpongeBob would like to come up, and illustrate his side of the story.

Squidward: His side?

SpongeBob: Well, first, I started over here. And then I went way over here. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, like that. Then, I went around like this, and over here like that, and across this lane, and down here like this, and then... (continues writing, without speaking) ...and then I went around, and stopped right here. (he has written "SpongeBob + Squidward, Best Boating Buddies 4-ever")

Students: (reading) SpongeBob and Squidward, best boating buddies, forever? (all are confused, then SpongeBob sits down)

SpongeBob: Do you like it, Squidward?

Squidward: Shut it. (bell rings. Bubble-wipe to everyone eating lunch, and SpongeBob sits next to Squidward)

SpongeBob: Ah, lunch time, eh boating buddy? (SpongeBob sits, and Squidward walks away, over to the trash cans)

Squidward: I'll have to eat over here, like in grade school. (Squidward is about to eat, then SpongeBob pops up from a trash can)

SpongeBob: Squidward, do you have any mustard in there? (Squidward runs away screaming. Bubble-wipe to the bathroom, where Squidward is eating)

Squidward: Mm, bon appetit, Squidy. (is about to eat, but then sees SpongeBob's feet in the other stall. Squidward gets angry, and throws his sandwich on the ground) You've ruined my morning, you've ruined my lunch, and you're ruining my... (door opens, revealing that it's a muscular tough fish, with feet that looks like SpongeBob's. Bubble-wipe to Squidward walking to his seat, bandaged up)

Mrs. Puff: Okay class, it's time for our behind the wheel lesson. Squidward, you'll be riding with SpongeBob.

Squidward: Eh, didn't see that coming. (bubble-wipe to them in a boat)

Mrs. Puff: Now, we're going to take this nice and slow. SpongeBob, what do we do when pulling away from the curb?

SpongeBob: Uh, step on the gas?

Mrs. Puff: Good. Nice and easy. Now let's slowly... (SpongeBob steps on the petal, and Mrs. Puff screams)

Squidward: SpongeBob, look out! (they bump through the cones, then they barge out through the fence. They go through a red light) SpongeBob, give me that wheel!

SpongeBob: I got it, I got it. (they fight over it)

Squidward: Just let go of it! (the steering wheel breaks, and Mrs. Puff screams. They drive into a grandma)

Grandma: Hooligans! (they drive through the Barg 'n Mart, and a costume shop, and they are about to drive into a secret lab)

Scientist #1: Johnson, I finally figured out a way to shrink an ordinary mail man, down to the size of a grain of sand.

Johnson: How?

Scientist #1: By using this shrink ray. (pulls a lever that turns it on. The boat comes in, and they get shrunk instead)

Johnson: Mother of mercy! (they shrink) Where'd they go?

Scientist #1: There! They're heading right for that discarded potato chip. (mailman growls)

Johnson What's the matter?

Scientist #1: Potato chips are his favorite snack. (the mailman breaks out) Johnson! NO! (mailman is about to eat it, but then gets sprayed with water) No, no, no. (they then go through a drain. A cowboy is about to drink from a drinking fountain, but then Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob come out and return to normal size)

Cowboy: I never will understand these city folk.

SpongeBob: Hey, where'd Squidward go? (the tough fish from earlier is going to go to the bathroom again, and Squidward returns to normal in the toilet)

Squidward: I was just leaving. (bubble-wipe to Squidward walking toward his desk all bandaged up)

Mrs. Puff: Okay class, it's time to take our final exam. Please have your pencils ready.

SpongeBob: Pst, hey, boating buddy, if you need any help, I've taken this test hundreds of times, and...

Squidward: How many times do I have to tell you?! I am not your buddy! I don't need your help, and I don't need you, ever! Now just kindly let me take this stupid test, so I can get out of here, and never have to see you again, for the rest of my life!

SpongeBob: Okay Squidward, if that's the way you want it.

Squidward: Thank you. (tries to pick up his pencil, then picks it up in both hands, but then it drops and rolls out the room)

Mrs. Puff: 3 more minutes, class.

Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob, I need your help.

Mrs. Puff: 2 more minutes.

Squidward: SpongeBob, please? This is important.

SpongeBob: You said you didn't need my help, Squidward, and that you didn't need me.

Squidward: No no, I didn't. I never said that. (student plays back what Squidward said on a tape) I don't need your help, and I don't need you! (now talking) Jerk! (to SpongeBob) All right, I said it. But that was before.

SpongeBob:: Before what?

Squidward: Before... before...

Mrs. Puff: 1 more minute, class.

Squidward: Before we were... (gulps) boating buddies.

SpongeBob: Yay!

Mrs. Puff: Okay class, time's up.

Squidward: Time can't be up. I didn't even get a chance to fill in a single answer! What am I supposed to do?

Mrs. Puff: You do the same thing that everybody else does who failed the test - you take it again next week.

Squidward: Next week?

SpongeBob: Don't worry Squidward, I've never gotten one answer right on this test. But we'll meet again next week, at Mrs. Puff's boating school! (Squidward screams)

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