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Episode Transcript: Clams

2026-08-25T12:08:01Z

97.210.197.157: /* Dialogue */

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Episode Article: [[Clams (Episode)|Clams]]

==Characters==
*[[Eugene H. Krabs|Mr. Krabs]]
*[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]
*[[Squidward Tentacles|Squidward]]
*[[Old Blue Lips]]
*[[Scooter]]
*[[Hans]]
*[[Gary the Snail]] (cameo)

==Dialogue==
(episode begins at the Krusty Krab)

'''Sandals''': Uhh, what do you like better? The Coral Bits or the Nacho Oyster Skins?

'''Squidward''': I like neither. Can I take your order?

'''Sandals''': What about the Barnacle Rings, are they any good?

'''Squidward''': No. What will you have?

'''Sandals''': Well, uhh, what’s your vote on the kelp...

'''Squidward''': Sir, let’s just get this out of the way. I hate everything on the menu! Now what do you want?

'''SpongeBob''': (pokes his head out from behind the kitchen window) Psst, try the Coral Bits.

'''Sandals''': Uhh, I’ll try the Coral Bits.

'''Squidward''': That will be one dollar. (rings up one dollar then a siren goes off)

'''Sandals''': What’s going on?

'''Squidward''': Something stupid, I’m sure. (alarm stops as a curtain opens up to show a real band in the background playing
music. Mr. Krabs comes out from his office)

'''Mr. Krabs''': Yippee! (kisses the customer and Squidward. Takes the dollar and rubs it all over himself) Whoo-ha! Whoo-ha!

'''Squidward''': See? I told you.

'''SpongeBob''': What’s wrong with Mr. Krabs?

'''Mr. Krabs''': (runs over to the counter) Nothing, lad! Do you know what this is?

'''Squidward''': A very dirty dollar?

'''Mr. Krabs''': No, this is my one millionth dollar earned! Every crab’s goal in life is to make a million dollars, and now I
got mine. Congratulations, sir, you have just given me my one millionth dollar!

'''Sandals''': Ha, great. Uhh, what do I win?

'''Mr. Krabs''': Nothing! Now get out!

'''Sandals''': Uhh, what?

'''Mr. Krabs''': Get out! Everybody get out, you are spoiling me moment! (pushes everyone out the door) Me millionth dollar.

'''SpongeBob''': Congratulations, Mr. Krabs!

'''Mr. Krabs''': Congratulate yourselves, lad! A captain’s nothing without his loyal crew. I mean, a crew like you comes around
maybe once in a lifetime. And to reward you for making me millionth dollar, I’m taking you on a trip.

'''SpongeBob''': Wow, a trip!

'''Squidward''': I can’t believe it, Mr. Krabs. Where we going, Fancy Springs? (cut to the three of them in a pool)

'''Mr. Krabs''': No.

'''Squidward''': Pamper Island? (cut to the three of them laying on towels at a beach)

'''Mr. Krabs''': Try again.

'''Squidward''': Ooh, ooh, ooh, Bikini Bottom Folk Village? (cut to the three of them in 18th century clothing)

'''Mr. Krabs''': Better than that! (cut to them wearing raincoats on a boat as Squidward’s smile turns to a glare)

'''Squidward''': Clam fishing? This is the reward we get for all our hard work? Fishing for... (clams are jumping) ...stinky clams on a smelly old boat on a filthy lagoon? You call this fun?

'''Mr. Krabs''': Aww, come on now, Squidward. Three fellas at sea with nothing to do but throw their lines in the water, catch a
few clams then throw them back. Don’t you think that’s fun?

'''Squidward''': No. (takes off his raincoat and sits on his chair) And to think I could be wearing a powdered wig right now.

'''SpongeBob''': Hey Squidward, you want me to cast out over here so you can watch me?

'''Squidward''': How about you cast out over there so I can ignore you?

'''SpongeBob''': Okay! (SpongeBob casts his line behind him which catches on Squidward’s magazine. SpongeBob brins his line forward and casts it in the lagoon. SpongeBob casts Squidward’s chair)

'''Squidward''': Hey, watch where you’re swinging that... (SpongeBob casts Squidward’s shirt out in the lagoon) SpongeBob, be
careful with-- (SpongeBob casts Squidward’s nose into the lagoon. Screams then walks up to Mr. Krabs) Okay, I've had enough.

'''Mr. Krabs''': (laughs) Oh Squidward, you got to lighten up. (SpongeBob is still casting out items while Mr. Krabs talks to Squidward) Sure the lad’s a bit over eager, but you've got to learn to roll with the punches, go with the flow. And don’t bring anything on a boat that you ain’t prepared to lose. (laughs. SpongeBob casts Mr. Krabs' millionth dollar into the lagoon) Me millionth dollar! SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob, you hooked me millionth dollar on the back swing! Reel it in before I keelhaul ya. (ominous orchestra music plays) Oh no. SpongeBob, quick, reel it in! Can’t you hear the music? That’s a 4/4 string ostinato in D minor. Every sailor knows that means death. Reel it in before it’s too late. Hurry, SpongeBob, the music’s getting faster! (SpongeBob reels it in as fast as he can. Mr. Krabs opens the doors to the orchestra) There you are ya stinkin’ bilge rats. Stop playing that music! Stop it, please! I’m begging ya! Come on, honey, you can make it. Swim faster! Come to me, baby! Come on back! Hurry, SpongeBob.

'''SpongeBob''': Here she comes. (Mr. Krabs begs. Reels the dollar in) She made it!

'''Mr. Krabs''': (holds up the dollar and cheers) For a second or two, I thought she was a goner. (ominous orchestra music plays again. A giant clam jumps up and takes Mr. Krabs' dollar, swimming away. Mr. Krabs starts crying) Ohh...

'''Squidward''': So, some trip, eh, Mr. Krabs?

'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh, Squidward, you are never gonna believe it. A giant blue-lipped clam ate me millionth dollar! (bawling) Ohh... I've lost me dollar and I’ll never get it back. Never, never, never, never, never.

'''SpongeBob''': I've never seen Mr. Krabs so broken up. (Mr. Krabs is literally in pieces, crying.)

'''Squidward''': Oh, please, he’s such a drama queen. C'mon, Mr. Krabs, drop the act. (Mr. Krabs is blubbering.) Mr. Krabs, it’s only a stupid dollar. (continues blubbering. Mr. Krabs pours tears into his mouth.) For Pete’s sake, Mr. Krabs, suck it up! (Mr. Krabs' eyes fill up the tears.) Mr. Krabs...? (Mr. Krabs cries like a fountain.) Mr. Krabs...? (Mr. Krabs leaks out tears like water faucets, wailing and crying.) Okay, okay, Mr. Krabs. We’ll help you get your dollar back. (Mr. Krabs throws away the thumb that he was sucking on.)

'''Mr. Krabs''': You will? Great! Wait right here. (runs off to get some items. Comes back with a bunch of fishing gear on.) Here’s where clam fishing gets serious. (bubble-wipe to later in the day where Mr. Krabs is on top of the boat and SpongeBob
and Squidward are on the lower deck.) Okay, you boys man the fishing poles and I’ll keep me eyes peeled for Old Blue Lip.

'''SpongeBob''': (salutes) Aye aye, captain!

'''Mr. Krabs''': And remember, we don’t leave until we catch that clam and rescue me dollar. (Mr. Krabs scouts the area. Cross-fade to later where Mr. Krabs has a beard on from scouting for too long. Squidward and SpongeBob looks the same as Mr. Krabs.)

'''Squidward''': That’s it. I’m finished. We've been here for three days and haven’t gotten a nibble. This is hopeless!

'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, and I've got to get home to feed Gary. (cut to Gary chewing the couch at home)

'''Squidward''': We’re gonna die out here just because a clam ate Mr. Krabs' stupid dollar. (takes a dollar out of his wallet)
Why, if he wants his dollar back, I’d say we give it to him. Know what I mean? Huh? Huh? Huh?

'''SpongeBob''': Oh, I get ya. (jabbers. Bubble-wipe to later in the day where Mr. Krabs is still scouting the area)

'''SpongeBob & Squidward''': Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! (Mr. Krabs steers his eyes toward the other two to see them waving a dollar) Look what we've got!

'''Mr. Krabs''': (jumps down and gasps) Could it be? (takes the dollar) Me millionth dollar? (starts cheering again as well as SpongeBob and Squidward) Whoo-hoo! (stops dancing) Wait a minute... (rubs the dollar back and forth) This isn’t me millionth dollar. (SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other.) This is an ordinary dollar that’s been crumpled up, torn slightly, soaked in the lagoon, and kissed with [[Coral Blue Lipstick Number 2|Coral Blue #2 Semi-Gloss Lipstick]]. (shows a dollar bill just like described)

'''SpongeBob''': (holding a blue make-up kit) Actually, it’s Coral Blue number th-- (Squidward hits him with the fishing pole) --ree.

'''Mr. Krabs''': I trusted you. And you gave me this?! I can’t believe me own crew would betray me like this. (sobs)

'''Squidward''': No. Uh-uh. No. We will not be swayed by tears anymore.

'''Mr. Krabs''': I see. Then, I guess I have no choice but to offer a reward.

'''Squidward''': You’re kidding?

'''SpongeBob''': Woo! Is it another fishing trip?

'''Mr. Krabs''': No, (holds up a sandwich) it’s this sandwich. (nails the sandwich to a pole)

'''Squidward''': A sandwich? You expect me to break my back over a sandwich?

'''Mr. Krabs''': Not '''A''' sandwich. (holds up a plate with many sandwiches, and pours them into the water) '''THE''' sandwich.

'''Squidward''': Whatever. We've got plenty more to... (Mr. Krabs drops a refrigerator into the water) ...eat.

'''Mr. Krabs''': Now, I think we understand each other. Nobody eats until I get me millionth dollar back.

'''Squidward''': Uhh, SpongeBob, can I have a word with you? Have you noticed that Mr. Krabs has gone COMPLETELY INSANE?!

'''SpongeBob''': What do you mean?

'''Squidward''': Just look at him. (pointing to Mr. Krabs, who is dressed like he is at a funeral, crying at a tombstone with the
words "R.I.P. Me Millionth Dollar" on it. Then he hugs it)

'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, he’s lost something near and dear to him. Haven’t you--

'''Squidward''': Look again. (Mr. Krabs uses his eyes as a jump rope while giggling)

'''SpongeBob''': You’re right. How do we get out of here?

'''Squidward''': If we’re real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.

'''SpongeBob''': Okay. (both scream over to the boat. They jump into it but then come back onto the boat tied up)

'''Mr. Krabs''': So, you thought you’d skip out on old Krabs, did ya? Even after you promised to help me. I know what you’re
thinking. "It’s just a dumb old dollar. Let’s just leave the old man. He won’t notice." (sobs) Why, it’s not going down like that. There’s only one use for a backstabbing crew like you: (bubble-wipe to Mr. Krabs hanging his line over the boat. SpongeBob and Squidward are attached to the line) Live bait.

'''Squidward''': You’re crazy. If that clam didn’t come before, what makes you think he’ll come now?

'''Mr. Krabs''': (dressed up as a conductor) Oh, he’ll come. (opens up the doors to the orchestra and begins to play the ominous
music)

'''Squidward''': Mr. Krabs, listen, I work with SpongeBob all day long, so I know what I’m talking about when I say... YOU ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND! (Mr. Krabs giggles like a lunatic. The giant clam emerges above water coming closer to the two on the line) '''GET US OUTTA HERE!!'''

'''Mr. Krabs''': Come on, Fresh Meat! (SpongeBob and Squidward scream as they try to wiggle back and forth to avoid the giant
clam) Keep thrashing! He likes it! (both continue to scream and bounce up and down really fast) Come on, boy! Closer. Closer. Almost there. (giant clam shows the dollar on its tongue) That’s it! (closes the doors to cause the music to stop. The giant clam stops in mid-air of eating SpongeBob and Squidward and Mr. Krabs jumps inside it to take the dollar) Aha! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Look, boys, I finally got it! (rubs his dollar on himself) I finally got me millionth dollar! (cabin doors open to play the ominous music again. The giant clam closes its mouth, with Mr. Krabs inside, and goes underwater. Cabin doors close as the conductor takes a bow)

'''SpongeBob''': Oh, poor Mr. Krabs... Gone forever out of our lives... Why couldn’t it have been me?

'''Squidward''': Yes, why couldn’t it have been you? (both sob)

'''SpongeBob''': Why did he have to go like this, why?

'''Squidward''': Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot? (both sob loudly)

'''Mr. Krabs''': Hello, boys!

'''SpongeBob & Squidward''': Mr. Krabs? (Mr. Krabs' head is above the water)

'''Mr. Krabs''': Have you boys met... (holds his millionth dollar up) ...me millionth dollar? (chuckles)

'''SpongeBob''': Wow, how did you get it back?

'''Mr. Krabs''': It wasn’t easy. Old Blue Lips is quite the fighter, so, eventually, we settled on a trade.

'''SpongeBob''': What did you give him? (Mr. Krabs jumps up on the boat, revealing himself as only having a head and an arm)

'''Mr. Krabs''': Nothing important. (laughs)

{{Transcripts/Season 3}}
[[Category:Transcript]]
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 3]]

Episode Transcript: No Free Rides

2026-07-19T00:18:59Z

97.210.197.157: /* Dialogue */

[[de: Episodenmitschrift: Der Schrecken der Straße]]
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Episode Article: [[No Free Rides (Episode)|No Free Rides]]

==Characters==
*[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]
*[[Mrs. Puff]]
*[[Mother SquarePants]]
*[[Father SquarePants]]
*[[Realistic Fish Head]]
*[[Boaty]]

==Dialogue==
(it’s another day at Mrs. Puff’s Boating School as SpongeBob skids along his way to failing his driving test again)

'''French Narrator:''' ''Here we are again at the Bikini Bottom Boating School. Today is once again the day of SpongeBob’s boating school exam, but more importantly, this is the last test for the year,'' (cut to a shot of SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff’s car coming straight to the camera) ''and if SpongeBob does not pass this one, it means another'' (panicked) ''whole year of boating school!'' (static is shown as SpongeBob crashes into the camera and glass breaks. Back on regular view, the Narrator, who is apparently acting as a cameraman is seen to have fallen over as he groans)

'''SpongeBob:''' What happened?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Oh, nothing SpongeBob. You just struck [[Fred|another pedestrian]]. (writes on clipboard) Minus 20 more points.

'''SpongeBob:''' How many does that leave me with?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Negative 224.

'''SpongeBob:''' How many more minutes left in the test?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' The test is over.

'''SpongeBob:''' That’s enough time, I can make up those points! (he is about to pull into reverse)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' No, SpongeBob, Wait! You didn’t hear me! (the boat rams into reverse. Screams) It’s too late, SpongeBob! (SpongeBob knocks over a whole row of cones, knocks through a brick wall and crashes in front of the school’s main building, causing dust to emerge. Coughs as the dust clears)

'''SpongeBob:''' OK, Mrs. Puff, what’s my final score?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Six.

'''SpongeBob:''' Whoo! And how many do I need to pass?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Six.

'''SpongeBob:''' (raising arms slowly) Oooooooooooo...

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Hundred. (SpongeBob stops)

'''SpongeBob:''' What?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Six hundred. You need 600 to pass. You got six.

'''SpongeBob:''' Don’t worry. I’ll be all right, Mrs. Puff. Besides, this means that I get to be in your class for a whole 'nother year! (slams his fist down, which causes a piece of the motor to fly upward) Well, see you next Tuesday. (walks off and the piece crashes on Mrs. Puff. She inflates like she always does when SpongeBob crashes. Runs out to his unicycle-like bike) Yeah! (singing) ♪ I’m gonna get my driver’s license and it’s only gonna take one more year, one more year, one more super-duper year... ♪ (goes around in circles on his bike) ♪ One more super-spectacular, extra-magical, extra-fantastical year! ♪ (Mrs. Puff looks on, still inflated)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' (thinking) ''Oh, Neptune. Another year with him! Barnacles! Dirty barnacles! I've got to do something to save myself. Oh, there’s only one way out. A teacher’s ace in the hole.'' (starts to talk. When she does, she deflates to her normal size) Extra ''credit''!

'''SpongeBob:''' What was that, Mrs. Puff? (Mrs. Puff runs over and shakes him in joy)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Extra credit, SpongeBob. The extra credit. (laughing wildly) I still have a chance. I mean, you still have a chance.

'''SpongeBob:''' What’s extra credit?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' It’s when you get credit for the things you weren’t able to do before.

'''SpongeBob:''' (singing) ♪ Oh. ♪ (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob at his desk)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Now, are we ready for that extra credit?

'''SpongeBob:''' Extra credit!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' That’s the spirit. So all you have to do to earn your extra credit and pass my class and never have to go anywhere near this school again, is to write a 10-word sentence on what you've learned in boating school.

'''SpongeBob:''' But I've learned so many things.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Just pick one, I don’t care which. Here, I’ll help you get started. (SpongeBob writes what she says) "What I learned in boating school is..." There! That’s already seven words! Only three more!

'''SpongeBob:''' (writing) L-E-A-R... (pencil snaps) Oh, barnacles!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' What’s wrong?

'''SpongeBob:''' Got to sharpen my pencil. (whistles as he walks to the sharpener. Sharpens it multiple times to get just the right sharpness. Mrs. Puff begins to sweat. SpongeBob is finally satisfied and walks back to his desk) N-E... (pencil breaks again. Walks to the sharpener again. Mrs. Puff stops him, grabs the pencil and holds out a pen)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Give me that! Here’s a pen.

'''SpongeBob:''' A pen! One of the most permanent of all writing utensils. (walks back to desk singing) Gonna write an essay, that’s what I say. (finishes) There.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Fantastic, let me see it.

'''SpongeBob:''' No, wait! I changed my mind! (scribbles some stuff out)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' I’m sure whatever you've written is fine, just let me see. (SpongeBob jumps on top of his paper)

'''SpongeBob:''' Don’t look! It’s not ready.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' It’s so simple! Only ten words! "What I learned in boating school is..." Blankity, blankity, (her eyes grow bulging veins) BLANK!"

'''SpongeBob:''' I can do this! I can do this!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' "What I learned in boating school is...!" "What I learned in boating school is...!"

'''SpongeBob:''' I can do this, I can do this! (starts to pant) Is it hot in here, Mrs. Puff? Why is it so hot in here? Aah! My hand! My hand is cramping, Mrs. Puff! Make it stop! (Mrs. Puff jumps on SpongeBob and forces the pen to push on the paper)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' You only need three... more... words! (the desk finally collapses and breaks. Reaches for the essay) Okay, let me see what you’ve written. (SpongeBob grabs on)

'''SpongeBob:''' It’s not ready yet.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' It’s okay, SpongeBob. Show the teacher what you've written.

'''SpongeBob:''' No!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Give it to me! (the two pull on it)

'''SpongeBob:''' No!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Let me see it! (the page rips in half. Grabs SpongeBob’s piece and attempts to read it) "What I learned in boating school is..." Uh... (on the page, it says 'What I learned in boating school is how to drive.' 'School,' 'how', and 'drive are crossed out and below are pictures of a boat, SpongeBob, and a jellyfish) Well, the rest doesn’t matter. (throws the two pieces on the floor) You pass! (laughs) You pass!

'''SpongeBob:''' Mrs. Puff, I don’t feel like I really did anything.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' That’s how extra credit is supposed to feel.

'''SpongeBob:''' Really?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Besides, here’s your license. (gives it to SpongeBob)

'''SpongeBob:''' My license! (licks it) It tastes just like I dreamt it would. Mrs. Puff, I...

'''Mrs. Puff:''' (dragging him out the door) Thank you, SpongeBob. Congratulations, and have a nice life!

'''SpongeBob:''' Look out, Bikini Bottom! There’s a new driver in town and his name is... SpongeBob SquarePants! (echoes) SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! (fades to a vision of Mrs. Puff’s fears) La la la la la la la la! (hits [[Harold]], who flies away)

'''Harold:''' OWWWWWWWWW! (SpongeBob hits another pedestrian, who also flies away)

'''Fish #1:''' (unintelligible sounds, presumably coughing) OW! (cut to a fish standing near a bus. SpongeBob hits the bus and knocks it over. The bus lands on the fish)

'''Fish #2:''' Ouch. (a small birthday party is going on)

'''Partygoers:''' Hey! It’s your birthday! Happy birthday! (SpongeBob runs them over)

'''Fred:''' My leg!

'''Realistic Fish Head:''' So much destruction. This reporter asks why. Local consensus places the blame on this negligent, selfish driving instructor who... (SpongeBob runs him over) OOF!

'''SpongeBob:''' La la la la!

'''Realisitic Fish Head:''' Let’s... not... use that take.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' That’s preposterous. He did the extra credit. There’s no need to worry. He doesn’t even have a boat to drive. (bubble-wipe to later that night. Walks home) Now to go home and have the rest of that pasta. (opens the door and turns on the light to see the SquarePants Family standing in the center of her living room with a huge round cake in the middle saying, "Thank You, Mrs. Puff!")

'''The SquarePants:''' Surprise!

'''SpongeBob:''' To the greatest teacher ever!

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' Thank you, Mrs. Puff. I know I speak for everyone when I say that we consider you a member of the SquarePants family. (kisses her hand for a long while)

'''Mrs. SquarePants:''' I think you made your point, dear.

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' Ahem. (blushes, and walks back to the family) Mrs. Puff, we were starting to think SpongeBob was never going to get his licenes. But you never gave up on him. You never quit. You never took the easy way out.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Well, I... Okay.

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' We wanted to make sure Mrs. Puff, the greatest driving teacher in the world, was here to see this.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' See what?

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' (takes the cover off) Ta-daa! (reading back license plate) "I-M R=DY."

'''Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob:''' A brand new boatmobile?!

'''SpongeBob''': For me...? (faints and hits the cake, cutting out a perfect square. Bubble-wipe to outside. The family is in the car ready to drive away with SpongeBob, still passed out, in the backseat)

'''Mrs. SquarePants:''' Don’t worry, Mrs. Puff. He’ll be driving by tomorrow! Toodle-loo!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' What have I done?! Everyone will know I let him slide through school. I’ll have to move to a new city, start a new boating school with a new name. No. Not again. I've got to end this thing before it begins. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob’s bedroom. He’s laying in bed with his parents overlooking him)

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' You took quite a buster there, son.

'''SpongeBob:''' What I learned in Boating School today is...!

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' We’re gonna have to hold off on the driving there for a while, son.

'''Mrs. SquarePants:''' That’s right, honey. Now, just stay in bed. And no going near the boat. (turns off the lights and leaves the bedroom and the door closes. SpongeBob peeks out to see if it’s all clear, then slides through the window and floats to his new boat)

'''SpongeBob:''' Hi, Boaty. (runs his hand on the side of the boat and gasps) Boaty, you’re cold! (stands up and lays his socks on the side of the door) Take my socks. (jumps on the side and hugs it) Oh, Boaty, I’m always going to take care of you. You’re the best boat in the deep blue sea. (kisses the throttle lever, sighs, then falls asleep. On the horizon, a shifty dark figure runs by. It is Mrs. Puff, wearing a black ski mask. She peeks over and jumps into the boat, checking to see if the coast is clear)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' I hope I still remember how to do this. (takes out a purple balloon and blows it up. Forms it into a balloon animal and snickers to herself) Yeah...(starts the boat and drives off. What she doesn’t know is that she’s sitting on a sleeping SpongeBob)

'''SpongeBob:''' (wakes up and sees the sky moving) Hey, I’m driving! (the two notice each other and scream. Mrs. Puff skids off the road for a bit, then returns to normal. Jumps up) Who are you and what are you doing with my boat? And why are you wearing that ski mask?! Because you’re not skiing! (gasps) Oh my gosh, I know who you are!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' (nervous) No, you don’t! You don’t know who I am.

'''SpongeBob:''' Yes, I do! I know that you’re a boat-jacker! I never thought I’d have to use this pepper spray. (takes it out. Sprays, but it’s pointed the wrong way and it gets in his eyes. Screams) Somebody help me! Somebody help me! (Mrs. Puff kicks him out of the boat)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Sorry, SpongeBob, but it was for your own good. (SpongeBob is supposedly running next to the boat, but he’s actually riding his bike. Mrs. Puff speeds up faster and loses him)

'''SpongeBob:''' Give me back my boat! (finally catches up to Mrs. Puff and slaps his hand on the windshield. Grabs with both hands and jumps up. Mrs. Puff skids and swerves to get him off but he’s not budging) You’d better stop this boat! (Mrs. Puff slams the brake. Falls to the ground but is still hanging on and running) I’m... not... letting... go! Nothing will stop me! Not even... (gasps. Cut to a sign with "GIANT CLAMS" and a picture of a clam on it. It zooms past the camera) Giant clams?! (he is dragged through a field of giant clams. Comes out with a bunch of pieces missing from him) I’m... not... letting... go... not even for... (gasps. Cuts to a sign with "CHEESE GRATERS!!" and a picture of a cheese grater on it. It zooms past the camera as well) Cheese graters?! Nooo! (skids through the cheese graters. When he comes out, he’s just three yellow sponge strands with arms) If you think I’ll let go just for a little... (cut to a sign with the words "EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION" on it. It zooms past the camera) Educational television?! Oh no! (cut back to Mrs. Puff as she hears SpongeBob scream)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Looks like that got rid of him. Now for some tunes. (turns on the radio, which bears a striking resemblance to SpongeBob. It is SpongeBob, in the shape of a radio: his eyes are knobs, mouth the speaker, and so on)

'''SpongeBob:''' And now, back to [[KRUD|K-R-U-D]] with all of your personal "You won’t get away with stealing my car!" hits. (Mrs. Puff screams. Squeezes out of the box and jumps on Mrs. Puff. They get into a giant brawl and the car goes out of control. Two policefish look on)

'''Cop #1:''' Hey, look. (the car then flies off a cliff and straight for the squad car. Both cops scream. While plummeting, SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff are still brawling)

'''SpongeBob:''' I’d never let you have this boat. Not even if you were... (rips off the ski mask, revealing who the culprit is) ...Mrs. Puff? (cut to SpongeBob babbling his lips in disbelief on a red-and-white spiral background. Cut back to the police car as the car crashes into it. Seconds later, the siren goes off. Bubble-wipe to the [[Bikini Bottom Jail]] sometime later. SpongeBob is calling Mrs. Puff on the phone. Every time a person talks, it cuts to them) So, how’s it going, Mrs. Puff?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Uh, SpongeBob? I’d like to... apologize. I never shouldn't have passed you. You really weren’t ready.

'''SpongeBob:''' So, I guess I got to give my license back, huh?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' I hear Mrs. Flounder is starting a new class Monday morning.

'''SpongeBob:''' You kidding? You’re the only teacher for this student. (cut to see that Mrs. Puff is talking to SpongeBob from jail, through the visiting window) And besides, the warden says she’ll let you go early, if you do her a favor.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' What’s that? (cut to the jail exterior as the camera zooms out)

'''SpongeBob:''' (from inside) Free driving lessons! (laughs)

{{Transcripts/Season 2}}
[[Category:Transcript]]

Episode Transcript: No Free Rides

2026-07-19T00:13:09Z

97.210.197.157: /* Dialogue */

[[de: Episodenmitschrift: Der Schrecken der Straße]]
{| border="1"
|-bgcolor="#CCCCCC"
!Back Episode Transcript
!Next Episode Transcript
|-
|align="center" rowspan="3"|[[Episode Transcript: Dumped|Dumped]]
|[[Episode Transcript: I’m Your Biggest Fanatic|I’m Your Biggest Fanatic]]
|}

Episode Article: [[No Free Rides (Episode)|No Free Rides]]

==Characters==
*[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]
*[[Mrs. Puff]]
*[[Mother SquarePants]]
*[[Father SquarePants]]
*[[Realistic Fish Head]]
*[[Boaty]]

==Dialogue==
(it’s another day at Mrs. Puff’s Boating School as SpongeBob skids along his way to failing his driving test again)

'''French Narrator:''' ''Here we are again at the Bikini Bottom Boating School. Today is once again the day of SpongeBob’s boating school exam. But more importantly, this is the last test for the year,'' (cut to a shot of SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff’s car coming straight to the camera) ''and if SpongeBob does not pass this one, it means another'' (panicked) ''whole year of boating school!'' (static is shown as SpongeBob crashes into the camera and glass breaks. Back on regular view, the Narrator, who is apparently acting as a cameraman is seen to have fallen over as he groans)

'''SpongeBob:''' What happened?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Oh, nothing SpongeBob, you just struck [[Fred|another pedestrian]]. (writes on clipboard) Minus 20 more points…

'''SpongeBob:''' How many does that leave me with?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Negative 224.

'''SpongeBob:''' How many more minutes left in the test?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' The test is over.

'''SpongeBob:''' That’s enough time, I can make up those points! (he is about to pull into reverse)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' No, SpongeBob, you didn’t hear me! (the boat rams into reverse. Screams) It’s too late, SpongeBob! (SpongeBob knocks over a whole row of cones, knocks through a brick wall and crashes in front of the school’s main building, causing dust to emerge. Coughs as the dust clears)

'''SpongeBob:''' OK, Mrs. Puff, what’s my final score?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' 6.

'''SpongeBob:''' Whoo! And how many do I need to pass?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' 6...

'''SpongeBob:''' (raising arms slowly) Oooooooooooo...

'''Mrs. Puff:''' ...hundred. (SpongeBob stops)

'''SpongeBob:''' What?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Six hundred. You need six hundred to pass. You got six.

'''SpongeBob:''' Don’t worry, I’ll be all right Mrs. Puff. Besides, this means that I get to be in your class for a whole 'nother year! (slams his fist down, which causes a piece of the motor to fly upward) Well, see you next Tuesday! (walks off and the piece crashes on Mrs. Puff. She inflates like she always does when SpongeBob crashes. Runs out to his unicycle-like bike) Yeah! (singing) I’m gonna get my driver’s license and it’s only gonna take one more year, one more year, one more superduper year... (goes around in circles on his bike) One more super-spectacular, extra-magical, extra-fantastical year! (Mrs. Puff looks on, still inflated)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' (thinking) ''Oh, Neptune. Another year with him! Barnacles! Dirty barnacles! I've got to do something to save myself. Oh, there’s only one way out: a teacher’s ace in the hole!'' (starts to talk. When she does, she deflates to her normal size) Extra ''crediiiiit''!

'''SpongeBob:''' What was that, SpongeBob? (Mrs. Puff runs over and shakes him in joy)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Extra credit, SpongeBob! The extra credit! (laughing wildly) I still have a chance! I mean, you still have a chance.

'''SpongeBob:''' What’s extra credit?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' It’s when you get credit for the things you weren’t able to do before.

'''SpongeBob:''' (singing) Oh. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob at his desk)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Now, are we ready for that extra credit?

'''SpongeBob:''' Extra credit!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' That’s the spirit! So all you have to do to earn your extra credit and pass my class and never have to go anywhere near this school again, is to write a 10-word sentence on what you've learned in boating school.

'''SpongeBob:''' But I've learned so many things.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Just pick one, I don’t care which. Here, I’ll help you get started. (SpongeBob writes what she says) "What I learned in boating school is..." There! That’s already seven words! Only three more!

'''SpongeBob:''' (writing) L-E-A-R... (pencil snaps) Oh, barnacles!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' What’s wrong?

'''SpongeBob:''' Got to sharpen my pencil. (whistles as he walks to the sharpener. Sharpens it multiple times to get just the right sharpness. Mrs. Puff begins to sweat. SpongeBob is finally satisfied and walks back to his desk) N-E... (pencil breaks again. Walks to the sharpener again. Mrs. Puff stops him, grabs the pencil and holds out a pen)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Give me that! Here’s a pen.

'''SpongeBob:''' A pen! One of the most permanent of all writing utensils. (walks back to desk singing) Gonna write an essay, that’s what I say. (finishes) There.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Fantastic, let me see it.

'''SpongeBob:''' No, wait! I changed my mind! (scribbles some stuff out)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' I’m sure whatever you've written is fine, just let me see. (SpongeBob jumps on top of his paper)

'''SpongeBob:''' Don’t look! It’s not ready.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' It’s so simple! Only ten words! "What I learned in boating school is..." Blankity, blankity, (her eyes grow bulging veins) BLANK!"

'''SpongeBob:''' I can do this! I can do this!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' "What I learned in boating school is...!" "What I learned in boating school is...!"

'''SpongeBob:''' I can do this, I can do this! (starts to pant) Is it hot in here, Mrs. Puff? Why is it so hot in here? Aah! My hand! My hand is cramping, Mrs. Puff! Make it stop! (Mrs. Puff jumps on SpongeBob and forces the pen to push on the paper)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' You only need three... more... words! (the desk finally collapses and breaks. Reaches for the essay) Okay, let me see what you’ve written. (SpongeBob grabs on)

'''SpongeBob:''' It’s not ready yet.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' It’s okay, SpongeBob. Show the teacher what you've written.

'''SpongeBob:''' No!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Give it to me! (the two pull on it)

'''SpongeBob:''' No!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Let me see it! (the page rips in half. Grabs SpongeBob’s piece and attempts to read it) "What I learned in boating school is..." Uh... (on the page, it says 'What I learned in boating school is how to drive.' 'School,' 'how', and 'drive are crossed out and below are pictures of a boat, SpongeBob, and a jellyfish) Well, the rest doesn’t matter. (throws the two pieces on the floor) You pass! (laughs) You pass!

'''SpongeBob:''' Mrs. Puff, I don’t feel like I really did anything.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' That’s how extra credit is supposed to feel.

'''SpongeBob:''' Really?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Besides, here’s your license. (gives it to SpongeBob)

'''SpongeBob:''' My license! (licks it) It tastes just like I dreamt it would. Mrs. Puff, I...

'''Mrs. Puff:''' (dragging him out the door) Thank you, SpongeBob. Congratulations, and have a nice life!

'''SpongeBob:''' Look out, Bikini Bottom! There’s a new driver in town and his name is... SpongeBob SquarePants! (echoes) SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! (fades to a vision of Mrs. Puff’s fears) La la la la la la la la! (hits [[Harold]], who flies away)

'''Harold:''' OWWWWWWWWW! (SpongeBob hits another pedestrian, who also flies away)

'''Fish #1:''' (unintelligible sounds, presumably coughing) OW! (cut to a fish standing near a bus. SpongeBob hits the bus and knocks it over. The bus lands on the fish)

'''Fish #2:''' Ouch. (a small birthday party is going on)

'''Partygoers:''' Hey! It’s your birthday! Happy birthday! (SpongeBob runs them over)

'''Fred:''' My leg!

'''Realistic Fish Head:''' So much destruction. This reporter asks why. Local consensus places the blame on this negligent, selfish driving instructor who... (SpongeBob runs him over) OOF!

'''SpongeBob:''' La la la la!

'''Realisitic Fish Head:''' Let’s... not... use that take.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' That’s preposterous. He did the extra credit. There’s no need to worry. He doesn’t even have a boat to drive. (bubble-wipe to later that night. Walks home) Now to go home and have the rest of that pasta. (opens the door and turns on the light to see the SquarePants Family standing in the center of her living room with a huge round cake in the middle saying, "Thank You, Mrs. Puff!")

'''The SquarePants:''' Surprise!

'''SpongeBob:''' To the greatest teacher ever!

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' Thank you, Mrs. Puff. I know I speak for everyone when I say that we consider you a member of the SquarePants family. (kisses her hand for a long while)

'''Mrs. SquarePants:''' I think you made your point, dear.

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' Ahem. (blushes, and walks back to the family) Mrs. Puff, we were starting to think SpongeBob was never going to get his licenes. But you never gave up on him. You never quit. You never took the easy way out.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Well, I... Okay.

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' We wanted to make sure Mrs. Puff, the greatest driving teacher in the world, was here to see this.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' See what?

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' (takes the cover off) Ta-daa! (reading back license plate) "I-M R=DY."

'''Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob:''' A brand new boatmobile?!

'''SpongeBob''': For me...? (faints and hits the cake, cutting out a perfect square. Bubble-wipe to outside. The family is in the car ready to drive away with SpongeBob, still passed out, in the backseat)

'''Mrs. SquarePants:''' Don’t worry, Mrs. Puff. He’ll be driving by tomorrow! Toodle-loo!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' What have I done?! Everyone will know I let him slide through school. I’ll have to move to a new city, start a new boating school with a new name. No. Not again. I've got to end this thing before it begins. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob’s bedroom. He’s laying in bed with his parents overlooking him)

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' You took quite a buster there, son.

'''SpongeBob:''' What I learned in Boating School today is...!

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' We’re gonna have to hold off on the driving there for a while, son.

'''Mrs. SquarePants:''' That’s right, honey. Now, just stay in bed. And no going near the boat. (turns off the lights and leaves the bedroom and the door closes. SpongeBob peeks out to see if it’s all clear, then slides through the window and floats to his new boat)

'''SpongeBob:''' Hi, Boaty. (runs his hand on the side of the boat and gasps) Boaty, you’re cold! (stands up and lays his socks on the side of the door) Take my socks. (jumps on the side and hugs it) Oh, Boaty, I’m always going to take care of you. You’re the best boat in the deep blue sea. (kisses the throttle lever, sighs, then falls asleep. On the horizon, a shifty dark figure runs by. It is Mrs. Puff, wearing a black ski mask. She peeks over and jumps into the boat, checking to see if the coast is clear)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' I hope I still remember how to do this. (takes out a purple balloon and blows it up. Forms it into a balloon animal and snickers to herself) Yeah...(starts the boat and drives off. What she doesn’t know is that she’s sitting on a sleeping SpongeBob)

'''SpongeBob:''' (wakes up and sees the sky moving) Hey, I’m driving! (the two notice each other and scream. Mrs. Puff skids off the road for a bit, then returns to normal. Jumps up) Who are you and what are you doing with my boat? And why are you wearing that ski mask?! Because you’re not skiing! (gasps) Oh my gosh, I know who you are!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' (nervous) No, you don’t! You don’t know who I am.

'''SpongeBob:''' Yes, I do! I know that you’re a boat-jacker! I never thought I’d have to use this pepper spray. (takes it out. Sprays, but it’s pointed the wrong way and it gets in his eyes. Screams) Somebody help me! Somebody help me! (Mrs. Puff kicks him out of the boat)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Sorry, SpongeBob, but it was for your own good. (SpongeBob is supposedly running next to the boat, but he’s actually riding his bike. Mrs. Puff speeds up faster and loses him)

'''SpongeBob:''' Give me back my boat! (finally catches up to Mrs. Puff and slaps his hand on the windshield. Grabs with both hands and jumps up. Mrs. Puff skids and swerves to get him off but he’s not budging) You’d better stop this boat! (Mrs. Puff slams the brake. Falls to the ground but is still hanging on and running) I’m... not... letting... go! Nothing will stop me! Not even... (gasps. Cut to a sign with "GIANT CLAMS" and a picture of a clam on it. It zooms past the camera) Giant clams?! (he is dragged through a field of giant clams. Comes out with a bunch of pieces missing from him) I’m... not... letting... go... not even for... (gasps. Cuts to a sign with "CHEESE GRATERS!!" and a picture of a cheese grater on it. It zooms past the camera as well) Cheese graters?! Nooo! (skids through the cheese graters. When he comes out, he’s just three yellow sponge strands with arms) If you think I’ll let go just for a little... (cut to a sign with the words "EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION" on it. It zooms past the camera) Educational television?! Oh no! (cut back to Mrs. Puff as she hears SpongeBob scream)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Looks like that got rid of him. Now for some tunes. (turns on the radio, which bears a striking resemblance to SpongeBob. It is SpongeBob, in the shape of a radio: his eyes are knobs, mouth the speaker, and so on)

'''SpongeBob:''' And now, back to [[KRUD|K-R-U-D]] with all of your personal "You won’t get away with stealing my car!" hits. (Mrs. Puff screams. Squeezes out of the box and jumps on Mrs. Puff. They get into a giant brawl and the car goes out of control. Two policefish look on)

'''Cop #1:''' Hey, look. (the car then flies off a cliff and straight for the squad car. Both cops scream. While plummeting, SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff are still brawling)

'''SpongeBob:''' I’d never let you have this boat. Not even if you were... (rips off the ski mask, revealing who the culprit is) ...Mrs. Puff? (cut to SpongeBob babbling his lips in disbelief on a red-and-white spiral background. Cut back to the police car as the car crashes into it. Seconds later, the siren goes off. Bubble-wipe to the [[Bikini Bottom Jail]] sometime later. SpongeBob is calling Mrs. Puff on the phone. Every time a person talks, it cuts to them) So, how’s it going, Mrs. Puff?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Uh, SpongeBob? I’d like to... apologize. I never shouldn't have passed you. You really weren’t ready.

'''SpongeBob:''' So, I guess I got to give my license back, huh?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' I hear Mrs. Flounder is starting a new class Monday morning.

'''SpongeBob:''' You kidding? You’re the only teacher for this student. (cut to see that Mrs. Puff is talking to SpongeBob from jail, through the visiting window) And besides, the warden says she’ll let you go early, if you do her a favor.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' What’s that? (cut to the jail exterior as the camera zooms out)

'''SpongeBob:''' (from inside) Free driving lessons! (laughs)

{{Transcripts/Season 2}}
[[Category:Transcript]]

Episode Transcript: No Free Rides

2026-07-19T00:00:24Z

97.210.197.157: /* Dialogue */

[[de: Episodenmitschrift: Der Schrecken der Straße]]
{| border="1"
|-bgcolor="#CCCCCC"
!Back Episode Transcript
!Next Episode Transcript
|-
|align="center" rowspan="3"|[[Episode Transcript: Dumped|Dumped]]
|[[Episode Transcript: I’m Your Biggest Fanatic|I’m Your Biggest Fanatic]]
|}

Episode Article: [[No Free Rides (Episode)|No Free Rides]]

==Characters==
*[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]
*[[Mrs. Puff]]
*[[Mother SquarePants]]
*[[Father SquarePants]]
*[[Realistic Fish Head]]
*[[Boaty]]

==Dialogue==
(it’s another day at Mrs. Puff’s Boating School as SpongeBob skids along his way to failing his driving test again)

'''French Narrator:''' ''Here we are again at the Bikini Bottom Boating School. Today is once again the day of SpongeBob’s boating school exam. But more importantly, this is the last test for the year,'' (cut to a shot of SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff’s car coming straight to the camera) ''and if SpongeBob does not pass this one, it means another'' (panicked) ''whole year of boating school!'' (static is shown as SpongeBob crashes into the camera and glass breaks. Back on regular view, the Narrator, who is apparently acting as a cameraman is seen to have fallen over as he groans)

'''SpongeBob:''' What happened?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Oh, nothing SpongeBob, you just struck [[Fred|another pedestrian]]. (writes on clipboard) Minus 20 more points…

'''SpongeBob:''' How many does that leave me with?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Negative 224.

'''SpongeBob:''' How many more minutes left in the test?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' The test is over.

'''SpongeBob:''' That’s enough time, I can make up those points! (he is about to pull into reverse)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' No, SpongeBob, you didn’t hear me! (the boat rams into reverse. Screams) It’s too late, SpongeBob! (SpongeBob knocks over a whole row of cones, knocks through a brick wall and crashes in front of the school’s main building, causing dust to emerge. Coughs as the dust clears)

'''SpongeBob:''' OK, Mrs. Puff, what’s my final score?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' 6.

'''SpongeBob:''' Whoo! And how many do I need to pass?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' 6...

'''SpongeBob:''' (raising arms slowly) Oooooooooooo...

'''Mrs. Puff:''' ...hundred. (SpongeBob stops)

'''SpongeBob:''' What?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Six hundred. You need six hundred to pass. You got six.

'''SpongeBob:''' Don’t worry, I’ll be all right Mrs. Puff. Besides, this means that I get to be in your class for a whole 'nother year! (slams his fist down, which causes a piece of the motor to fly upward) Well, see you next Tuesday! (walks off and the piece crashes on Mrs. Puff. She inflates like she always does when SpongeBob crashes. Runs out to his unicycle-like bike) Yeah! (singing) I’m gonna get my driver’s license and it’s only gonna take one more year, one more year, one more superduper year... (goes around in circles on his bike) One more super-spectacular, extra-magical, extra-fantastical year! (Mrs. Puff looks on, still inflated)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' (thinking) ''Oh, Neptune. Another year with him! Barnacles! Dirty barnacles! I've got to do something to save myself. Oh, there’s only one way out: a teacher’s ace in the hole!'' (starts to talk. When she does, she deflates to her normal size) Extra ''crediiiiit''!

'''SpongeBob:''' What was that, SpongeBob? (Mrs. Puff runs over and shakes him in joy)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Extra credit, SpongeBob! The extra credit! (laughing wildly) I still have a chance! I mean, you still have a chance.

'''SpongeBob:''' What’s extra credit?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' It’s when you get credit for the things you weren’t able to do before.

'''SpongeBob:''' (singing) Oh. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob at his desk)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Now, are we ready for that extra credit?

'''SpongeBob:''' Extra credit!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' That’s the spirit! So all you have to do to earn your extra credit and pass my class and never have to go anywhere near this school again, is to write a 10-word sentence on what you've learned in boating school.

'''SpongeBob:''' But I've learned so many things.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Just pick one, I don’t care which. Here, I’ll help you get started. (SpongeBob writes what she says) "What I learned in boating school is..." There! That’s already seven words! Only three more!

'''SpongeBob:''' (writing) L-E-A-R... (pencil snaps) Oh, barnacles!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' What’s wrong?

'''SpongeBob:''' Got to sharpen my pencil. (whistles as he walks to the sharpener. Sharpens it multiple times to get just the right sharpness. Mrs. Puff begins to sweat. SpongeBob is finally satisfied and walks back to his desk) N... e... (pencil breaks again. Walks to the sharpener again. Mrs. Puff stops him, grabs the pencil and holds out a pen)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Give me that! Here’s a pen.

'''SpongeBob:''' A pen! One of the most permanent of all writing utensils. (walks back to desk singing) Gonna write an essay, that’s what I say. (finishes) There.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Fantastic, let me see it.

'''SpongeBob:''' No, wait! I changed my mind! (scribbles some stuff out)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' I’m sure whatever you've written is fine, just let me see. (SpongeBob jumps on top of his paper)

'''SpongeBob:''' Don’t look! It’s not ready.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' It’s so simple, only 10 words! "What I learned in boating school is blankity, blankity, (her eyes grow bulging veins) BLANK!"

'''SpongeBob:''' I can do this! I can do this!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' "What I learned in boating school is...!" "What I learned in boating school is...!"

'''SpongeBob:''' I can do this! I can do this! (starts to pant) Is it hot in here, Mrs. Puff? Why is it so hot in here? Aah! My hand is cramping, Mrs. Puff! Make it stop! (Mrs. Puff jumps on SpongeBob and forces the pen to push on the paper)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' You only need three... more... words! (the desk finally collapses and breaks. Reaches for the essay) Okay, let me see what you’ve written. (SpongeBob grabs on)

'''SpongeBob:''' It’s not ready yet.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' It’s okay, SpongeBob. Show the teacher what you've written.

'''SpongeBob:''' No!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Give it to me! (the two pull on it)

'''SpongeBob:''' No!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Let me see it! (the page rips in half. Grabs SpongeBob’s piece and attempts to read it) "What I learned in boating school is..." Uh... (on the page, it says 'What I learned in boating school is how to drive.' 'School,' 'how', and 'drive are crossed out and below are pictures of a boat, SpongeBob, and a jellyfish) Well, the rest doesn’t matter! (throws the two pieces on the floor) You pass! (laughs) You pass!

'''SpongeBob:''' Mrs. Puff, I don’t feel like I really did anything.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' That’s how extra credit is supposed to feel.

'''SpongeBob:''' Really?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Besides, here’s your license. (gives it to SpongeBob)

'''SpongeBob:''' My license! (licks it) It tastes just like I dreamed it would. Mrs. Puff, I--

'''Mrs. Puff:''' (dragging him out the door) Thank you, SpongeBob. Congratulations, and have a nice life!

'''SpongeBob:''' Look out, Bikini Bottom! There’s a new driver in town and his name is....SpongeBob SquarePants. (echoes) SpongeBob SquarePants. SpongeBob SquarePants. (fades to a vision of Mrs. Puff’s fears) La la la la la la la la! (hits [[Harold]], who flies away)

'''Harold:''' OWWWWWWWWW! (SpongeBob hits another pedestrian, who also flies away)

'''Fish #1:''' (unintelligible sounds, presumably coughing) OW! (cut to a fish standing near a bus. SpongeBob hits the bus and knocks it over. The bus lands on the fish)

'''Fish #2:''' Ouch. (a small birthday party is going on)

'''Partygoers:''' Hey! It’s your birthday! Happy birthday! (SpongeBob runs them over)

'''Fred:''' My leg!

'''Realistic Fish Head:''' So much destruction...this reporter asks, "Why?" Local consensus places the blame on this negligent, selfish driving instructor who-- (SpongeBob runs him over) OOF!

'''SpongeBob:''' La la la la!

'''Realisitic Fish Head:''' Let’s – not – use that take.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' That’s preposterous. He did the extra credit. There’s no need to worry. He doesn’t even have a boat to drive. (bubble-wipe to later that night. Walks home) Now to go home and have the rest of that pasta. (opens the door and turns on the light to see the SquarePants Family standing in the center of her living room with a huge round cake in the middle saying, "Thank You, Mrs. Puff!")

'''The SquarePants:''' Surprise!

'''SpongeBob:''' To the greatest teacher ever!

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' Thank you, Mrs Puff. I know I speak for everyone when I say that we consider you a member of the SquarePants family. (kisses her hand for a long while)

'''Mrs. SquarePants:''' I think you made your point, Dear.

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' Ahem. (blushes, and walks back to the family) Mrs. Puff, we were starting to think SpongeBob was never going to get his licence. But you never gave up on him, you never quit, you never took the easy way out!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Well, I...Okay.

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' We wanted to make sure Mrs. Puff, the greatest driving teacher in the world, was here to see this...

'''Mrs. Puff:''' See what?

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' (takes the cover off) Ta-daa! (reading back licence plate) "IM-RDY."

'''Mrs. Puff and SpongeBob:''' A brand new boatmobile?!

'''SpongeBob''': For me...? (faints and hits the cake, cutting out a perfect square. Bubble-wipe to outside. The family is in the car ready to drive away with SpongeBob, still passed out, in the backseat)

'''Mrs. SquarePants:''' Don’t worry, Mrs. Puff...He’ll be driving by tomorrow! Toodle-loo!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' What have I done?! Everyone will know I let him slide through school! I’ll have to move to a new city, start a new boating school with a new name! No. Not again. I've got to end this before it begins. (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob’s bedroom. He’s laying in bed with his parents overlooking him)

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' You took quite a buster there, Son.

'''SpongeBob:''' What I learned in Boating School today is--

'''Mr. SquarePants:''' We’re gonna hafta hold off on the driving there for a while, son.

'''Mrs. SquarePants:''' That’s right, Honey. Now, just stay in bed, and no going near the boat! (turns off the lights and leaves the bedroom and the door closes. SpongeBob peeks out to see if it’s all clear, then slides through the window and floats to his new boat)

'''SpongeBob:''' Hi, Boaty. (runs his hand on the side of the boat and gasps) Boaty, you’re cold! (stands up and lays his socks on the side of the door) Take my socks. (jumps on the side and hugs it) Oh Boaty, I’m always going to take care of you. You’re the best boat in the deep blue sea! (kisses the throttle lever, sighs, then falls asleep. On the horizon, a shifty dark figure runs by. It is Mrs. Puff, wearing a black ski mask. She peeks over and jumps into the boat, checking to see if the coast is clear)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' I hope I still remember how to do this. (takes out a purple balloon and blows it up. Forms it into a balloon animal and snickers to herself) Yeah...(starts the boat and drives off. What she doesn’t know is that she’s sitting on a sleeping SpongeBob)

'''SpongeBob:''' (wakes up and sees the sky moving) Hey, I’m driving! (the two notice each other and scream. Mrs. Puff skids off the road for a bit, then returns to normal. Jumps up) Who are you and what are you doing with my boat? And why are you wearing that ski mask, because you’re not skiing! (gasps) Oh my gosh, I know who you are!

'''Mrs. Puff:''' (nervous) No, you don’t! You don’t know who I am!

'''SpongeBob:''' Yes, I do! I know that you’re a boat-jacker! I never thought I’d have to use this pepper spray. (takes it out. Sprays, but it’s pointed the wrong way and it gets in his eyes. Screams) Somebody help me! Somebody help me! (Mrs. Puff kicks him out of the boat)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Sorry, SpongeBob, but it was for your own good. (SpongeBob is supposedly running next to the boat, but he’s actually riding his bike. Mrs. Puff speeds up faster and loses him)

'''SpongeBob:''' Give me back my boat! (finally catches up to Mrs. Puff and slaps his hand on the windshield. Grabs with both hands and jumps up. Mrs. Puff skids and swerves to get him off but he’s not budging) You’d better stop this boat! (Mrs. Puff slams the brake. Falls to the ground but is still hanging on and running) I’m... not... letting... go! Nothing will stop me! Not even... (gasps. Cut to a sign with "GIANT CLAMS" and a picture of a clam on it. It zooms past the camera) Giant clams?! (he is dragged through a field of giant clams. Comes out with a bunch of pieces missing from him) I’m... not... letting... go... not even for... (gasps. Cuts to a sign with "CHEESE GRATERS!!" and a picture of a cheese grater on it. It zooms past the camera as well) Cheese graters?! Nooo! (skids through the cheese graters. When he comes out, he’s just three yellow sponge strands with arms) If you think I’ll let go just for a little... (cut to a sign with the words "EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION" on it. It zooms past the camera) Educational television?! Oh no! (cut back to Mrs. Puff as she hears SpongeBob scream)

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Looks like that got rid of him. Now for some tunes. (turns on the radio, which bears a striking resemblance to SpongeBob. It is SpongeBob, in the shape of a radio: his eyes are knobs, mouth the speaker, and so on)

'''SpongeBob:''' And now, back to [[KRUD|K-R-U-D]] with all of your personal "you won’t get away with stealing my car!" hits. (Mrs. Puff screams. Squeezes out of the box and jumps on Mrs. Puff. They get into a giant brawl and the car goes out of control. Two policefish look on)

'''Cop #1:''' Hey, look. (the car then flies off a cliff and straight for the squad car. Both cops scream. While plummeting, SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff are still brawling)

'''SpongeBob:''' I’d never let you have this boat! Not even if you were... (rips off the ski mask, revealing who the culprit is) ...Mrs. Puff? (cut to SpongeBob babbling his lips in disbelief on a red-and-white spiral background. Cut back to the police car as the car crashes into it. Seconds later, the siren goes off. Bubble-wipe to the [[Bikini Bottom Jail]] sometime later. SpongeBob is calling Mrs. Puff on the phone. Every time a person talks, it cuts to them) So, how’s it going, Mrs. Puff?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' Uh, SpongeBob? I’d like to... apologize. I never should have passed you. You really weren’t ready.

'''SpongeBob:''' So, I guess I have to got to give my license back, huh?

'''Mrs. Puff:''' I hear Mrs. Flounder is starting a new class Monday morning.

'''SpongeBob:''' You kidding? You’re the only teacher for this student. (cut to see that Mrs. Puff is talking to SpongeBob from jail, through the visiting window) And besides, the warden said she’ll let you go early, if you do her a favor.

'''Mrs. Puff:''' What’s that? (cut to the jail exterior as the camera zooms out)

'''SpongeBob:''' (from inside) Free driving lessons! (laughs)

{{Transcripts/Season 2}}
[[Category:Transcript]]

Episode Transcript: Squidville

2026-01-08T12:41:20Z

97.210.197.157:

[[de:Episodenmitschrift: Das Tentakel-Paradies]]
{{Transcript|Squidville|Grandma’s Kisses|Pre-Hibernation Week}}

==Characters==
*[[Squidward Tentacles|Squidward]]
*[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]
*[[Patrick Star|Patrick]]
*[[Squidette]]
*[[Little Kid]]
*[[Little Girl]]
*Other [[Tentacle Acres]] residents

==Dialogue==
(as the episode begins, SpongeBob runs up to Patrick with a package in his hand and bumps into him)

'''SpongeBob:''' (walks to him) Patrick, look. I got my... (notices Patrick has the same package. Unwraps his to show a reef blower. Patrick unwraps his to show a flower vase. Laughs) I’m sorry, Patrick. It’s just for a second I thought... (notices Patrick has the same reef blower as he does)

'''Patrick:''' Hey, you got the same reef-blower as me! (blows at SpongeBob) Tag, you’re it. (SpongeBob laughs. Both run around tagging each other. Blows away a can while SpongeBob blows away a sand sculpture of himself. Switches the blower to "suck" and sucks off the lines of SpongeBob’s pineapple. The pineapple sparkles)

'''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, you made my house sparkling clean!

'''Patrick:''' Sure did!

'''SpongeBob:''' We haven’t improved Squidward’s day yet. Let’s do his house! (Patrick sucks up the nose on Squidward’s house and laughs) My turn. (sucks up one of the windows. Squidward opens up the other window)

'''Squidward:''' What is going on out here?!

'''SpongeBob:''' We’re playing with our new reef-blowers.

'''Squidward:''' Playing with a reef-blower? That is the most childish thing I have ever heard of!

'''SpongeBob:''' But it’s fun!

'''Squidward:''' Fun? How could playing with one of those oversized hair dryers possibly be fun?

'''Patrick:''' Like this. (sucks the window up, leaving Squidward’s nose protuding through the wall. Squidward pulls his nose out of the wall)

'''Squidward''': Chafed. (opens his front door) Alright, that’s... (Patrick sucks up the door)

'''SpongeBob:''' Let’s do your house, Patrick.

'''Patrick:''' Yeah! (both walk to Patrick’s rock, and they see Squidward digging a hole up to the surface, seeing as how he couldn’t exit his house any other way. He jumps out of it, fuming)

'''SpongeBob:''' Squidward, you’re steaming! You’re like a steamed vegetable, only smarter.

'''Squidward:''' Put my windows back!

'''SpongeBob:''' No problem, Squidward. We’re on your side. (he and Patrick set their blowers to "Blow" and aim at Squidward’s house) Any second now... (all the items fly out of the hoses at once and blow Squidward’s house to pieces. Debris falls everywhere)

'''Squidward:''' SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I am going to move so far away, that I will be able to brag about it. I would... (he is hit on the head with a rock) I would rather tear out my brain stem, carry it into the middle of the nearest four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, then go on living where I do now. (Squidward’s television falls to the ground and turns on. On the television is a squid, who looks like Squidward, but with a hair piece. He is in a suit and stands in front of a rainbow)

'''Squid on TV:''' Hi there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it. Would you rather tear out your brain stem, walk out into the middle of the nearest three-way?

'''Squidward:''' Four-way.

'''Squid on TV:''' Four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, then continue living where you do now? Then move to... (screen switches to static, as Patrick has changed the channel with a remote)

'''Patrick:''' I hate this channel.

'''Squidward:''' No, no! (grabs the remote and changes it back)

'''Squid on TV:''' ...Tentacle Acres. Where happiness is just a suction cup away. (puts his tentacles together and pops them. The pop echoes. Bubble-wipe to a large complex, fenced off. There is a golden door, and above it is the sign "Tentacle Acres." Squidward walks to the door, with his clarinet and a few other things. He talks into the intercom on the door)

'''Squidward:''' Hello?

'''Guard:''' (over intercom speaker) ''Yes, can I help you?''

'''Squidward:''' I’m here about the happiness. I’ll be moving in now.

'''Guard:''' ''Are you alone?''

'''Squidward:''' No. I mean, yes, there’s nobody with me, yes. Peace and quiet.

'''Guard:''' ''Are you now or have you ever been a sponge?''

'''Squidward:''' No.

'''Guard:''' ''What about a...''

'''Squidward:''' (cuts him off) No, no starfish. Just a regular, normal, peace-loving... (the door begins to rumble and the gates
open, revealing an entire town of houses just like Squidward’s. The sky is pinkish-orange and there’s a rainbow. Squidward is overjoyed and walks in. Notices squids laying in lawn chairs, one of them tanning. Looks at something offscreen. Cut to two squid kids, a boy and a girl, at an ice cream truck driven by another squid. The truck is pink with "MARZIPAN" and what appears to be vanilla ice cream on it. "CAUTION," in red, is placed near the bottom. The sound of children laughing is heard as the boy raises one of his pods, giving what appears to be a thumbs-up, and both kids walk closer) Heaven at last. (runs into a squid in a purple shirt)

'''Purple-Shirt Squid:''' I've seen more alert people in a retirement home!

'''Squidward:''' Oh, which way to the Living Without A Brain seminar? Don’t be late.

'''Purple-Shirt Squid:''' I've heard better comebacks from a turkey sandwich! (walks off) Get a life! (Squidward squints angrily at him, then becomes happy)

'''Squidward:''' This place is even better than I expected! (cut to Squidward walking down the road, reading off the house numbers) 302, 303 and 304. Beautiful! (walks in to house 304) And not a pineapple in sight. (shuts the door. Bubble-wipe to later that night, where Squidward is in a cap, nightshirt, and slipper, going to bed. His clarinet, as always, is next to him) Good night, Clarry. Tomorrow, we begin life anew. (the phone rings, startling Squidward. Answers it) 304 New Life street, Squidward speaking. (hears SpongeBob on the other end speaking gibberish) There is no way I am moving back there, SpongeBob! I am finally among my own kind. (hears more garbling) Now goodbye! (hangs up. At SpongeBob’s place, he and Patrick are crushed and exchange gibberish. Croos-fade to [[Bikini Atoll]] at dawn. Cut to Tentacle Acres. Walks out of his house and breathes in the fresh air) Ahh. I think I’ll take my bike today. (walks off, takes his bike and rides down the street) I’m my own man. (runs into the purple-shirt squid from the other day, who is riding in a line of bike riders) Now these neighbors know how to live. (bubble-wipe to later. Parks his bike in front of a grocery store called [[Full of Health]] and walks in. Cut to inside, where Squidward is walking down an aisle) Intensive. Hmm... I bet they won’t have... (gasps and grabs a can) Wow, they have it! (cut to a close-up of the can, labeled "Best Thing Since Sliced") [[Canned Bread|Canned bread]]! This town is great! (walks out of the store with a bag) I would really be impressed if it had... (slaps his forehead when he sees the building across the street) ..an [[Interpretive Dance Academy|interpretive dance academy]]! (runs in, now with headband and leotard, and begins dancing happily with the others, while the other squids aren’t as joyful) Yeah, it’s even better in a group! (bubble-wipe to later. Squidward is walking down the street) This town is perfect! (sees a gazebo with three squids playing clarinet) A clarinet trio?! (runs up next to them and begins playing his clarinet. Camera pans up to the sky. Cross-fade to the next day; camera pans back down as a rooster crows. Squidward walks out again and breathes the fresh air) Ahh, another great day. (rides his bike down the street and runs into the same bike line) Oh, look! Everybody’s on their bike today. (walks his bike to Full of Health again and picks up another can of Canned Bread. Cut to him dancing at the academy) It just gets better and better. (cut to him with the trio) All together. (they all play. Cut to the next day. Walks out of his house, rides his bike, picks up another can, dances, plays. Cut to the same routine: Squidward rides his bike, picks up another can, dances, and plays. This repeats numerous times, but Squidward gets increasingly less happy with this with each passing scene. Eventually, he’s really depressed, now playing with the trio) I sort of don’t feel like playing my clarinet today. (walks off. Bubble-wipe to the next day. Sits on a bench in the park, all glum) Yep, this is great. They might as well rename this town Squidward’s Paradise. Or perhaps Too Much Paradise. (hears a reef blower. Picks his head up expectedly) SpongeBob? (sees a squid blowing the leaves with it. The squid then leaves, leaving a sign next to the blower reading "Back whenever." Squidward is tempted, but dismisses it. The temptation proves to be too much, and he goes over and touches it, setting it off for a second. Giggles. Whistles nonchalantly, and knocks off the sign) Oops. (picks up the nozzle and switches it to "Suck." His nose gets sucked up. Switches it back to "Blow," freeing himself. His lengthened nose floats over it. Chuckles. A female squid walking by clears her throat. Quickly goes to the lawn) Leaves. Just getting the leaves. (she walks off. Takes the blower back to the bench and blows the nozzle on his face, distorting it upward. Blows on his eyelids, distorting them upward. Chuckles. Puts the nozzle under his shirt and blows that up too. Laughs. Points the nozzle to the left and is blown to the other side of the bench. Laughs again. Points the nozzle to the right and is blown off the bench. Laughs all the same. Two squids, a male and female, playing croquet nearby start getting annoyed)

'''Squidette:''' Could you pipe down over there, Iron Lung? (the two start laughing, their foreheads fluctuating up and down as
they do. Squidward sucks up the croquet balls and the man’s stick which he was leaning on. He falls to the ground. Squidward begins to laugh)

'''Squidward:''' Looks like when it comes to having fun, you don’t have a leg to stand on. (continues laughing. The woman
helps the man up)

'''Squidette:''' Hey, that’s not funny!

'''Man #1''': Yeah! (another man walks by, clarinet in hand)

'''Man #2:''' What’s going on over here? (the croquet woman points at Squidward)

'''Woman:''' It’s that guy. He’s playing with a reef-blower.

'''Man #2:''' Playing? With a reef-blower? That’s the most childish thing I've ever heard of.

'''Squidward:''' But it’s fun. (the man laughs)

'''Man #2:''' How could you possibly have fun with one of those over-sized hair dryers?

'''Squidward:''' Like this! (sucks up the man’s clarinet, and it gets stuck in the nozzle, playing sour notes)

'''Man #2:''' (screams) Give it back! Please! (Squidward blows it back at him, lodging it in the middle of his face like a crease. Squidward laughs and runs off. He approaches a squid on a bike and sticks the nozzle to the back "wheel," causing the squid to stop)

'''Squidward:''' Tag! You’re it! (blows on it, inflating the squid’s head)

'''Squid on Bike:''' (as his head inflates) Wha-huh?! (Squidward laughs and runs off. Cut to a [[Le Café]] stand, where two male squids, one of them the purple-shirt squid from earlier, walk up to it)

'''Woman:''' What can I get you boys? (Squidward opens a door on the stand and sucks up the two guys' eyes and noses and blows them back out, but puts two noses on one guy and four eyes on the other guy. He runs off laughing)

'''Squid with Two Noses:''' What are you looking at?

'''Purple-Shirt Squid:''' Those. (SpongeBob and Patrick approach the complex)

'''SpongeBob:''' Here it is, Patrick. Now we've just got to convince Squidward to come back home. You got our apology cake?
(Patrick picks up a cake that reads "Sorry." He puts it back in his pants, revealing a giant cake-shaped bulge in them)
We’re ready!

'''Patrick:''' (sarcastically) Yay! (SpongeBob pushes the button on the intercom)

'''Guard:''' (over speaker) ''Hello, can I help you?''

'''Patrick:''' Can I get a large number one, extra size?

'''SpongeBob:''' But you just ate three orders of fried oyster skins. (Patrick opens his mouth, the fumes emerging from it. A
foghorn sounds)

'''Patrick:''' I love fried oyster skins. (cut to inside the control room, where the Guard sees SpongeBob and Patrick on one
of his monitors)

'''Guard:''' We’re sorry, but your kind isn’t allowed here. (a security guard walks up next to him) He’s not leaving, Orville.
(the fumes enter the room) You got your nightstick ready? (they both smell the fumes) Fried oyster skins?! (both collapse, the
Guard falling on a button opening the gate)

'''Patrick:''' I guess we've got to order inside. (within the complex, a group of squids are angrily chasing after a happy-go-lucky Squidward. He sucks the noses off of three houses whilst running by. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking by when they see Squidward run past them)

'''SpongeBob:''' Hey! That looked like Squidward! (the mob runs past them) That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form!
(Squidward has approached a dead end)

'''Policeman:''' Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles!

'''Squidward:''' Stand back! I've got gardening tools! (the policeman hands him an envelope)

'''Policeman:''' Here! Just read this! (Squidward looks at it)

'''Squidward:''' What is it?

'''Policeman:''' A well thought-out and organized list of complaints. (the mob shout out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick
walk by)

'''SpongeBob:''' (notices a male squid) Patrick, look! It’s Squidward! (runs up to the guy and hugs him, but he’s a different squid with eyebrows and mustache, and a shirt like Squidward’s) Squidward! We finally found you. (the squid pushes SpongeBob off him)<br>

'''Angry Squid:''' Get off me! I’m not Squidward!

'''Patrick:''' Are you Squidward now?

'''Squidward:''' Grievances? This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one
place! This city needs to be destroyed!... or at least painted a different color.

'''Policeman:''' F.Y.I., you don’t have to live here, you know! (Squidward, and the crowd, smile)

'''Squidward:''' Hey, you’re right! (the crowd members' smiles fade) And I’m leaving A.S.A.P. (SpongeBob and Patrick
are trying to find Squidward)

'''SpongeBob:''' (walks up to a random squid) Are you Squidward?

'''Squid:''' No. (SpongeBob walks up to the croquet woman)

'''SpongeBob:''' Are you Squidward?

'''Squidette:''' No. (Patrick talks to a fire hydrant)

'''Patrick:''' Are you Squidward? (gets no response) That’s okay, take your time. (SpongeBob walks up to him)

'''SpongeBob:''' Any one of these Squidwards can be the real Squidward, Patrick. (the town rumbles as Squidward rockets the reef
blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally)

'''Squidward:''' Freedom! Woo-hoo! (laughs maniacally and talks in gibberish. SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon)

'''SpongeBob:''' Well, we know one thing: It sure isn’t that guy.

'''Squidward:''' (as he flies away) Woo-hoo! Whee! (episode ends)

{{Timeline}}
{{Transcripts/Season 2}}
[[Category:Transcript]]
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 2]]

Episode Transcript: Rock-A-Bye Bivalve

2025-10-19T18:42:33Z

97.210.197.157:

{{Transcript|Rock-A-Bye Bivalve|Krab Borg|Wet Painters}}

==Characters==
*[[SpongeBob SquarePants|SpongeBob]]
*[[Patrick Star|Patrick]]
*[[Gary the Snail|Gary]]
*[[Junior]]
*[[Worm from Apple World]]

==Dialogue==
(episode begins at SpongeBob’s house. A newspaper is thrown onto the pathway)

'''SpongeBob:''' (runs outside to retrieve the newspaper) Gary, the paper’s here! (Gary comes out on a skateboard. Gives him the paper) You can have this, buddy, beause all I need is the "entertainment section." (hums while he stretches the rubber band around him) I am a happy sponge! (runs around, laughing, while Gary is reading the paper)

'''Gary:''' Meow. (SpongeBob runs into Patrick, who has a rubber band stretched around him)

'''Patrick:''' I see you got the paper. (rubber band snaps)

'''SpongeBob:''' Oh, hey, Patrick. (rubber band snaps. Patrick clears his throat) Well, I better get going.

'''Patrick:''' Yep, see you later. (both walk off, but then hear a clam noise. They both run back)

'''Both:''' What did you say?

'''Patrick:''' Well, I didn’t say anything.

'''SpongeBob:''' I didn’t say anything, either.

'''SpongeBob and Patrick:''' See you later, then. (both walk off again, and the clam noise is heard again. They both run back again)

'''SpongeBob:''' All right, quit messing with me. I know you said something.

'''Patrick:''' Ah, but it is you... (points) ...that is messing with me. (both look down to see the squeaking noise is coming from a shaking branch) That’s what's messing with us.

'''SpongeBob:''' It’s a baby scallop.

'''Patrick:''' I’ll take care of this. (lifts up his foot)

'''SpongeBob:''' No, Patrick. It’s totally helpless. (takes the baby scallop in his hands) It looks like he can’t even fly yet.

'''Patrick:''' Well, what’s the matter? Is it stupid?

'''SpongeBob:''' No, Patrick, he’s just a baby. He’s all alone with no one to take care of him.

'''Patrick:''' Well, we can’t just leave him out here.

'''SpongeBob:''' You’re right. Come on, let’s take him into the pineapple. (both walk to SpongeBob’s house. Bubble-wipe to inside. They run in and set Junior on the ground) Hmmm, let’s see, we need a box for him to sleep in. (removes his pants and sets it in front of Junior) There you go, it’s the best seat in the house. (cut to Gary, who does a rimshot)

'''Patrick:''' Let me see. (sticks his whole head inside SpongeBob’s pants) Hey, he’s kinda cute. Uh-oh! (takes his head out. It is now eaten on the side) I think somebody’s hungry!

'''SpongeBob:''' (takes out Junior and speaks like a baby to it) Is it true? Are you hungry?

'''Junior:''' (chirping happily) Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!

'''SpongeBob:''' I've got just the thing. (puts Junior on a barrel and takes out a Krabby Patty) How would you like a Krabby Patty? (Junior squawks in surprise)

'''Patrick:''' SpongeBob SquarePants, are you crazy?! That’s not the right food for a little fellow like him.

'''SpongeBob:''' Of course not. I don’t know what I was thinking. What he needs is a tiny Krabby Patty.

'''Junior:''' (sniffs the patty) Blech!

'''SpongeBob:''' Huh? No one’s ever turned down one of these before. (gobbles it and gulps it down)

'''Patrick:''' (holds up a donut) Let’s try a doughnut. (Junior hisses)

'''SpongeBob:''' French fries?

'''Junior:''' (shaking his head) Uh-uh.

'''Patrick:''' (eating half of the donut from earlier) A donut? (Junior sticks out his tongue)

'''SpongeBob:''' (holds up an apple) All we have left is this apple. (a worm pokes its head out of the apple)

'''Worm:''' Hello, sea creatures! I bring you greetings from [[Apple World]]. (Junior jumps in the air, chirping with excitement)

'''SpongeBob:''' Of course. Scallops love worms. (picks up the worm)

'''Worm:''' Huh? Wait! We will bury you! (SpongeBob drops it in Junior’s mouth)

'''SpongeBob:''' Well, you should be good for the rest of the... (Junior starts crying)

'''Patrick:''' What now?

'''SpongeBob:''' I don’t know! Aww, don’t cry!

'''Patrick:''' Do something, SpongeBob!

'''SpongeBob:''' Uhh...uhh...uhh... Blah-blah-blah, look at the funny face! Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, look at the funny face! (camera zooms out to reveal that SpongeBob has a puppet that looks like him on his hand) Look at the funny face.

'''Patrick:''' Wait! I think I might know the problem. (picks up Junior and looks at him) Yep, that’s it alright. (turns around) Hold on just one second. There he is, good as new. (Junior has a diaper on)

'''SpongeBob:''' How did you know?

'''Patrick:''' How do you think? (drops his pants showing that he is wearing a diaper) And I've been doing it all by myself for almost a year.

'''SpongeBob:''' Wow, I’m sure glad you’re here.

'''Patrick:''' I know. Good thing there’s two of us.

'''SpongeBob:''' You know Patrick, since this scallop doesn’t have parents, we should raise it ourselves.

'''Patrick:''' Yeah! At least until it’s old enough to be on its own! Oh, I wanna be the mom!

'''SpongeBob:''' I don’t think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.

'''Patrick:''' You’re right. If I was a mom... (camera zooms out to show he has hair on his stomach) ...this would be kind of shocking. Just call me "Daddy"! (bubble-wipe to SpongeBob, in a red, polka-dotted dress, and Patrick, wearing a bow tie, leaving the pineapple with Junior in a stroller. They walk by a couple, who stop and think how they could make a baby scallop between SpongeBob and Patrick. Cut to them running with Junior, then sliding down a slide with him, and playing in a birdbath. Cut to them getting ice cream. The Ice Cream Man scoops up an ice cream cone for the parents, then scoops up ice cream, with worms in it, for Junior. Cut to them riding a bicycle, but then SpongeBob and Patrick chase after it, with Junior on the seat. Bubble-wipe to nighttime at SpongeBob’s house) It sure is cute when it’s asleep.

'''SpongeBob:''' (from house) Yeah. (he and Patrick watch Junior in hid bed sleeping) Shh! (both tiptoe out of the room)

'''Patrick:''' Hey, SpongeBob.

'''SpongeBob:''' Yes, Patrick?

'''Patrick:''' I never thought being a parent could be this much fun.

'''SpongeBob:''' Me neither. (Patrick is sleeping on the bottom mattress and SpongeBob is sleeping on the top)

'''Patrick:''' Well, good night, SpongeBob.

'''SpongeBob:''' Good night, Patrick. (his mattress slams shut on top of Patrick. Bubble-wipe to outside the house the following morning) Patrick, breakfast is ready! (he is cooking something over at the grill as Patrick walks in, noticing the bunch of food that is on the table, which resembles a round dining table and has a shell chair. It consists of a bowl of cereal resembling Cheerios, a plate with bacon, eggs and some rice-like food, a container with what appears to be sausage, blueberry muffins in a basket, five pancakes stacked together with butter on top, a mug reading "DAD'S MUG" filled with coffee, a cup of what appears to be orange juice, a big pitcher filled with more of the juice, a plate with toast, salt and pepper shakers, and a box of [[Kelp-O]], though with a different box design than the one we’re familiar with. The table also has a coffee cup, what appears to be a cookie jar, a folded napkin, silverware, a random empty plate and a flower in a vase)

'''Patrick:''' All right! All this parenting stuff makes me hungry. (lifts the table up as everything, even the non-food items, slides down into his mouth. Belches, then pats Junior) Hey Junior, how are you doing today? (smells an odor from Junior) SpongeBob?

'''SpongeBob:''' Yes, Patrick?

'''Patrick:''' Kid’s got a stinky.

'''SpongeBob:''' (doing many chores, specifically ironing a white shirt, cleaning a window, patting a dusty cloth, flipping what appears to be a pancake and vacuuming with his foot, at the same time) Could you take care of him? My hands are kind of full. (Patrick guzzles down the coffee as Junior begins to cry)

'''Patrick:''' Ahh. Wish I could, but I gotta get going.

'''SpongeBob:''' Going? Where are you going?

'''Patrick:''' (puts on a suit and takes his briefcase) Going to work. I’m the dad, remember?

'''SpongeBob:''' You mean I have to do all this baby stuff myself?

'''Patrick:''' I’ll give you a break tonight when I get home. Don’t you two stop being adorable. (chuckles as he closes the door)

'''SpongeBob:''' Okay. (chuckles weakly. Cut to [[Bikini Atoll]] at daytime. Day cross-fades to night, with a full moon. At Bikini Bottom, the sun is setting. Patrick walks in and takes his jacket and hat off)

'''Patrick:''' Phew! What a day.

'''SpongeBob:''' (he’s still doing the chores from earlier, and now is also holding a crying Junior in a cloth) Oh great, you’re home. Now you can help me with the baby.

'''Patrick:''' Aw, gee, SpongeBob, I’d love to, but I’m totally beat from work.

'''SpongeBob:''' Huh? (Patrick goes to the living room an turns on the TV. Then, he sits down and watches television. Comedic jazz music plays, as well as a wooden thud)

'''Patrick:''' (laughs) That guy got hit in the head with a coconut!

'''SpongeBob:''' (walks in, still doing some of the same chores; he’s also cleaning and wiping the walls and using a duster) Patrick, what about my break?

'''Patrick:''' Oh yeah, your break. Uhhh, tomorrow, I promise.

'''SpongeBob:''' Uh, okay, tomorrow. (time card appears)

'''French Narrator:''' ''Tomorrow...'' (cut to Patrick walking in at night and taking his stuff off)

'''Patrick:''' Phew, another tough day. (walks by SpongeBob, who is still doing the same chores from yesterday)

'''SpongeBob:''' Oh, Patrick, I’m so glad you’re home after working all day. I can’t wait for my break.

'''Patrick:''' Work was a killer. I need my chair. (sits down and watches TV again)

'''SpongeBob:''' (walks in still doing chores) Patrick, I really need my...

'''Patrick:''' Tomorrow for sure. (another time card appears)

'''French Narrator:''' ''Tomorrow for sure...'' (cut to SpongeBob doing the same chores as Patrick walks by)

'''SpongeBob:''' (weakly) Patrick?

'''Patrick:''' I’ll get to it eventually... (yet another time card appears)

'''French Narrator:''' ''Eventually...'' (cut to SpongeBob still doing the chores, but even more tired)

'''SpongeBob:''' Uhhh?

'''Patrick:''' Uhhh. (yet ''another'' time card appears)

'''French Narrator:''' ''Uhhh...'' (cut to Patrick watching TV as SpongeBob furiously walks in and turns on the lights)

'''SpongeBob:''' Patrick Star, we need to talk.

'''Patrick:''' Uh, just one more minute, I gotta...

'''SpongeBob:''' Don’t "one more minute" me, Mr. Man! (angrily turns off the TV)

'''Patrick:''' Hey, I’m missing the coconut.

'''SpongeBob:''' You haven’t been helping at all with Junior! We made a commitment and you’re not doing your share! You never do anything.

'''Patrick:''' I changed his diaper.

'''SpongeBob:''' Yeah, once.

'''Patrick:''' He’s only this big. How many diapers could he possibly use?

'''SpongeBob:''' (angrily opens up a garbage can full of diapers) Hmmm?

'''Patrick:''' Oh, that’s not so much.

'''SpongeBob:''' (angrily points his finger over to the corner of the room, where there are two bags and a trash can full of diapers) Hmmm?

'''Patrick:''' So?

'''SpongeBob:''' (angrily opens up the refrigerator, full of diapers) Hmmm? (angrily pulls the cover off the coach, revealing it to be diapers) Hmmm? (angrily tears the wallpaper off the wall, revealing a bunch of diapers behind it) Hmmm?! (angrily points his finger outside to a garbage truck loading a bunch of diapers into the dumpster. Patrick is shocked at the sight of it)

'''Patrick:''' I had no idea! What kind of a father am I?! Oh. I’ll make it up to you, buddy. I promise. (bubble-wipe to the next day)

'''SpongeBob:''' So, what’s the plan for the day?

'''Patrick:''' No more fooling around. From now on, I’m Superdad! I’ll work straight through lunch so I can get home on time. So make sure you save a big old stinky diaper for me to change. And you can take the night off, pal.

'''SpongeBob:''' (gives Patrick his briefcase) Great, so I’ll see you at 6:00.

'''Patrick:''' 6:00.

'''SpongeBob:''' (waving) 6:00.

'''Patrick:''' 6:00.

'''SpongeBob:''' 6:00.

'''Patrick:''' 6:00.

'''SpongeBob:''' 6:00.

'''Patrick:''' 6:00. (time card appears)

'''French Narrator:''' ''12.00 Midnight...'' (Patrick walks in with a lamp on his head, giggling. He turns on the light)

'''Patrick:''' Oh boy, that was some party! (SpongeBob is standing there, tapping his foot) Oh, hey, SpongeBob. Hey, Junior. What? What?

'''SpongeBob:''' Oh, nothing.

'''Patrick:''' Oh, what a relief. (takes the lamp off his head and puts it on an angry SpongeBob) For a second, I thought you were mad at me.

'''SpongeBob:''' (takes the lamp off his head) Do you remember what you said to me this morning?

'''Patrick:''' Something about root beer, right?

'''SpongeBob:''' (sighs) No.

'''Patrick:''' Oh wait, wait. Let me guess. (pause) I give up.

'''SpongeBob:''' Does... (furiously imitates Patrick) "you can take the night off, pal" ring a bell?!

'''Patrick:''' (raspberry) I don’t need this! (walks off)

'''SpongeBob:''' '''What?!''' Where do you think you’re going?!

'''Patrick:''' (opens his rock) I’m going back to work. (gets in and closes his rock)

'''SpongeBob:''' (angrily) '''''WORK?!''''' (rips off his mother-like clothing and angrily opens Patrick’s rock. Patrick is sitting on an armchair made of sand, watching TV. The same comedic jazz music from before plays)

'''Patrick:''' (laughing) He got hit in the head with two coconuts!

'''SpongeBob:''' (angrily) So, ''this'' is work?

'''Patrick:''' You know, it’s not as easy as it looks. Sometimes I got to move the antenna, sometimes I lose the remote, and sometimes my butt itches real bad!

'''SpongeBob:''' Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your ''briefcase''. (angrily opens up the briefcase, which contains ice cream, including a sundae, a spoon and 12 variously-flavored donuts. The ice cream and spoon are held by straps. Cut to the briefcase’s contents. Cut back to SpongeBob and Patrick. Dumps the briefcase’s contents on Patrick)

'''Patrick:''' (he is now covered in ice cream and has some donuts on him) Oh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime? (SpongeBob, who is now extremely furious, angrily balls his fist. Soon, he loses his temper and becomes enraged)

'''SpongeBob:''' (furiously, with an Asian face) '''''OVERTIME?!''''' (both start arguing and fighting furiously. Junior is heard chirping)

'''Patrick:''' There’s that stupid noise again!

'''SpongeBob:''' Oh, that’s not a stupid noise, that’s just Junior about to jump out of that two story window.

'''Patrick:''' Oh. (after seeing Junior at the window, both their eyes get huge)

'''Both:''' JUNIOR! (Junior jumps from the window. SpongeBob and Patrick try to save him, but they miss)

'''SpongeBob:''' Did you catch him?

'''Patrick:''' No.

'''Both:''' We’re bad parents! (they break down sobbing. Junior is chirping and flying above them)

'''SpongeBob:''' Junior? Hey, he’s flying.

'''Patrick:''' I guess he’s all grown up. (Junior kisses SpongeBob, then flies off) Hey, what about Daddy? (Junior drops a coconut on Patrick’s head, then kisses him) That’s my boy.

'''SpongeBob:''' Goodbye.

'''Patrick:''' Goodbye, Junior.

'''SpongeBob:''' Well Patrick, he doesn’t need us anymore.

'''Patrick:''' This is the hardest part of every parent’s life, I assume.

'''SpongeBob:''' Despite all we've been through, it was worth it.

'''Patrick:''' Yeah. Let’s have another. (moves his arms. SpongeBob looks surprised; episode ends)

{{Transcripts/Season 3}}
[[Category:Transcript]]
[[Category:Episode Transcripts/Season 3]]